[Westheim]

Raccoons (7-6) vs. Indians (8-4) – April 17-19, 2001

Like the Raccoons, the Indians were still pretending to be an above-.500 team. Which was kinda cute. Or were they one indeed? Well, they weren’t scoring runs at all, even compared to the Raccoons, crossing home plate only 39 times in 12 games. Yet, their pitching aced all of the Continental League so far, with only *30* runs allowed. It was like an Indians team from 15 years back. You scored two on their starter? Consider yourself lucky!

Projected matchups:
Cipriano Miranda (0-2, 8.68 ERA) vs. Ben Carlson (0-1, 7.11 ERA)
Randy Farley (0-1, 7.02 ERA) vs. Chang-se Park (3-0, 0.00 ERA)
Carl Bean (1-1, 4.50 ERA) vs. Manuel Alba (1-2, 3.12 ERA)

We skipped Miguel Lopez for a) his 11+ ERA and general inability, and b) the Indians being predominantly hitting right-handed after the departure of Matt Brown. The remaining half of their fear-inducing power hitters, David Lopez, was however already on six home runs, e.g. he had hit more dingers than the entire Raccoons roster COMBINED. More than half of his 11 hits had left the yard, and he had driven in 15.

Game 1
IND: 2B Montray – SS M. Jones – C Paraz – 3B D. Lopez – LF Alston – 1B J. Garcia – RF Lugo – CF J. Valdez – P Carlson
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – C Mata – 2B Palacios – P Miranda

Neither team scored through three innings, with the Raccoons leaving two on after consecutive pop outs by Cavazos and Reece in the third. Miranda had not allowed a hit through three, then gave a 1-out double to Jose Paraz. Lopez grounded to Guerin, Guerin threw it away, and the Indians were in business, reeling off three more hits plus a walk to plate five runs, all unearned, two of those runs driven in by Ben Carlson with two outs. Miranda didn’t make it past the fifth inning, while the very forgettable Ben Carlson pitched seven innings, striking out seven, and giving up nothing but a very forgettable home run to Albert Martin. Three more home runs would be hit: Valdez off Wade (solo), Brian Abrams off Blanco (solo), and in between Ours Neil off reliever Alonso Alonso – yes, really – for two runs. 7-3 Indians. Brady 2-3, 2B;

Your team plays like ****? Play the Raccoons! And your players will instantly feel better. We will (try to) play you for just $99.95!

By my estimate that’s 2,794 home runs conceded by relievers before we can afford another player, but no pains, no gains.

Game 2
IND: 2B Montray – RF Lugo – C Paraz – 3B D. Lopez – LF Alston – 1B J. Garcia – SS Matthews – CF J. Valdez – P Park
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – C Thomas – 3B Sharp – 2B Heart – P Farley

Chang-se Park had started the year with a 25-inning scoreless streak, allowing 14 hits, three walks, and fanning 16. The Furballs were no immediate threat to him not being scored on, not even getting to second base. The game was scoreless through three, but Jose Paraz rung Farley hard with a leadoff homer in the fourth inning. Randy was not getting people out, continuing a developing pattern. The Indians got another run in the inning, while Park ran his streak to 29 innings before Albert Martin put an end to his shenanigans and hit a no-outs jack in the bottom 5th to cut our gap back to 2-1. Farley soldiered on, but Juan Valdez, who had also taken deep Scott Wade the day before, hit a 2-run home run in the seventh that tilted the scales in favor of the Indians for good. Chang-se Park was not going to surrender another three runs to get them back tied. He went eight, fanned eight, and continued his winning ways, while the Raccoons were limited to four measly hits. 4-1 Indians.

Why, hel-looo, sub-.500! I missed you already! I gotta tell you the truth. I didn’t feel too well on the other side of nothing, the air was so thin and the pressure to perform – we’re much better down here, in the swampy, moist depths of the division, where nobody gives a rat’s arse about what you do and whether you hit or not. It’s sub-.500 all the way for the Coons, baby!

Game 3
IND: 2B Montray – SS M. Jones – C Paraz – 3B D. Lopez – LF Alston – 1B J. Garcia – RF Lugo – CF J. Valdez – P Alba
POR: SS Guerin – 2B Palacios – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 3B Gabriel – C Mata – LF Flores – P Bean

Carl Bean hit Montray, walked Jones, and was singled upon by Paraz. Bases loaded, no outs, throw in the towel. Lopez walked to force home a run, but the Indians scored only one more on a sac fly by Ron Alston. However, weren’t two runs enough already? Technically, with the Raccoons hopping around home plate in a confused manner, yes, but actually, no, since Reece drove home Guerin in the first, and a sac fly tied it in the second. Then again, Carl Bean encountered destruction yet again by the fourth inning. With a man on, the Indians in succession had Montray hit an infield single, Jones hit a bloop to no man’s land in shallow center, Paraz get hit, and Lopez open up the score with a double. That got Bean expulsed from the game, with Blanco offering little relief, and the final tally reading 3.1 innings and seven runs for our rotation’s assumed savior, who turned out to be an impostor, and a donkey tender by trade. Well, at least he fit in. Our highlight for the day was Marcos Bruno striking out four consecutive batters, with the Raccoons then already being well out of slam range. 12-4 Indians. Guerin 2-5, 2B, 2 RBI; Flores 2-4; Bruno 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 4 K;

The Indians have a weak offense, they said. The Indians don’t score runs, they said. Well, they scored runs. 23 runs in three games, including SEVEN ****ING HOME RUNS.

Since that miraculous 1-0 win in San Francisco on April 10, the Raccoons have played eight games, lost six, scored 34 runs, and allowed 73. SEVENTY-THREE. This includes three blowouts of a dozen runs or more, and less than six runs only once.

Here it comes. The almighty headache.

You know, we could really go to a 4-man rotation. They never throw more than 60 balls anyway in any given game.

Raccoons (7-9) vs. Thunder (8-8) – April 20-22, 2001

I took my umbrella to the park, because it was going to rain more runs. The Thunder had romped to plate 91 runs so far this year, they certainly weren’t going to stop now. Meanwhile, their pitching was average, but average was still well sufficient to stomp the Coons.

Projected matchups:
Ralph Ford (2-1, 2.37 ERA) vs. Pancho Trevino (2-0, 1.25 ERA)
Cipriano Miranda (0-3, 5.93 ERA) vs. Luis Martinez (0-0)
Miguel Lopez (0-1, 11.88 ERA) vs. Fabien Armand (2-1, 4.19 ERA)

Game 1
OCT: RF Barnes – CF Humphrey – 2B Grant – 3B Higashi – LF Bonneau – SS Liu – C Briggs – 1B D. Henry – P Trevino
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – C Mata – 2B Palacios – P Ford

Trevino was a 21-year old right-handed fireballer who had whiffed 21 in 21.2 innings this season. With the Inepticoons approaching him, his K/9 soon rocketed over nine, but Ralph Ford held the fort and managed to almost match Trevino’s pace. Through the top 5th, both had whiffed seven in shutout fashion. Trevino got two more in the bottom 5th, but was pitching with a man on after his own throwing error on Cavazos’ grounder, on which Higashi would have had a much better play. That put him against Brady with two out, and Brady made him pay with a huge 2-run homer to left. Ford instantly gave up a run in the top 6th, 2-1, and the Raccoons loaded the bags in the bottom 6th with two out for Reece, but Neil was just not matching up well against Trevino’s magma bolts and fell to 0-3 with 3 K. In the seventh, with one man on, Butch Kaustrop (does that ring a bell?) hit for Trevino and singled, putting Ford into a terrible hole, but the Thunder couldn’t quite sink him when Joey Humphrey struck out. Bottom 7th, bases loaded, no outs against Carlos Gonzales, Mata struck out, predictably. As did a so far 3-3 Palacios. Gilberto Flores grounded out. In the top 8th, Nordahl got through with the help of a double play, and in the bottom 8th, Guerin was on, was thrown out stealing, and THEN Cavazos singled and Reece doubled. Two in scoring position, no outs. CAN WE … PLEASE …!!!??? No. We can not. Between poor outs by Brady and Sharp, Martin walked, and we thus left the bases loaded THREE CONSECUTIVE INNINGS. As such, everybody knew that Daniel Miller would be blown up in the ninth, why even pretend it was tense? Kuang Liu grounded out to Guerin. David Vinson grounded out to Miller. Then Dan Henry drew a walk. Burton Scott pinch-hit for a bloop into shallow right that Brady missed and Reece couldn’t keep to a single. The go-ahead runs were in scoring position for the Thunder, Artie Barnes at the plate, no doubt how this is going to end, even though the pitching coach and Mata were still talking to Miller. The count went to 1-2, Barnes hit that fourth pitch, a ticket to shallow left, two runs scored, and all the **** was breaking out in tears from me. 3-2 Thunder. Cavazos 2-4, BB; Brady 2-4, BB, HR, 2 RBI; Palacios 3-5; Ford 7.0 IP, 6 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 8 K;

The police report says that the agonizing screams from inside the ballpark continued until 2:30 am that night, and that the complaining neighbors likened them to the death cries of a bobcat entangled in a bear trap, but I honestly can’t remember anything besides cutting myself excessively in the bathroom and finally passing out.

But hey, we didn’t allow four runs (or much much more) for the first time in nine games, so, yay, success!

Success in Portland is spelled with a K by the way. Suckcess.

Game 2
OCT: RF Barnes – CF Humphrey – 3B Higashi – LF Bonneau – 2B Grant – 1B D. Henry – SS Liu – C Vinson – P L. Martinez
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – 1B Martin – C Thomas – 2B Heart – P Miranda

The 24-year old Martinez, the #50 prospect in the ABL, was an international signing from Puerto Rico, who had already pitched in a few games last year. He made his season debut. The Raccoons got three extra-base hits off him in the first inning, with a 2-out homer by Daniel Sharp dealing most of the 3-run pain. The pressure was on the Thunder, who got lots of hard contact off Miranda, but somehow Ramiro Cavazos sucked up about all of those balls before they dropped in somewhere. Well, it worked for four innings. Kuang Liu led off the fifth with a fly to deep right, which Reece nipped before it could make it onto the warning track. These balls were getting deeper and deeper, and then David Vinson hit one out to cut us back to 3-1. Miranda couldn’t cut it past that, either, and the next time Vinson came up, the bags were full, and there were two outs. I don’t know how he had done it, but Vinson actually had 17 RBI on the year and was OPS’ing .932. Miranda was not going to pitch to that monster, and we got Diaz, because while Vinson was a switch-hitter, he was better against right-handers. Vinson took Diaz’ first pitch to deep left, deeper, deeper, and ---- Cavazos robbed him on the warning track. We were holding on and holding on, until Blanco entered the game, faced three men in the top 8th, didn’t retire any of them, and the Thunder casually tied the score. VINSON drove in the winning run off Nordahl. For good measure, Yohan Bonneau socked a 2-piece off Meeks in the ninth, not that Jimmy Morey needed any more cushion against the Uttercoons. 6-3 Thunder. Cavazos 2-4, 2B, RBI; Sharp 2-4, HR, 2B, 2 RBI;

Complaints by neighbors that at least two dozen Mexican children were kept in the basement of the ballpark and kept the neighborhood awake with their heart-jerking weeping all night were found to be entirely unfounded once 60 police officers had turned the building inside out for seven hours that night. Nobody found the exhausted GM, who had passed out after another night in agony, in the women’s toilet.

We designated Orlando Blanco and his 15.88 ERA for assignment. Manuel Martinez joined the team.

Game 3
OCT: RF Barnes – CF Humphrey – 2B Grant – 3B Higashi – LF Bonneau – SS Liu – C Briggs – 1B D. Henry – P Armand
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – C Thomas – 1B Heart – 2B Gabriel – P M. Lopez

Joey Humphrey hit a deep one off Lopez in the first to get the Thunder ahead early, but their Canadian lefty couldn’t make it stick just yet, with Brady singling to tie the score in the bottom 1st, but Heart eventually struck out to leave the bases loaded. Bonneau made a huge catch with two on and two out in the bottom 2nd to rob Neil Reece of some intermittent success, and all of this didn’t make Portland’s very crap starting pitcher any better. Bob Grant’s roundtripper gave the Thunder a new lead in the third. Cavazos singled home Guerin in the fourth to tie the score again, but Lopez failed to retire any of the first four batters in the top 6th for the death knell to this game, the whole week, the season, and my ambitions as a whole, landing three more RBI singles to take a more-than-commanding 7-2 lead. The Thunder had their own bullpen hiccup then and endanger a surefire win in the bottom 8th, when they just failed to get any outs. The Raccoons singled and singled and singled, and with two outs, Flores singled in a pair, and Guerin then singled in Flores. When Cavazos also singled, the tying runs were on base, with Wade lodged into Reece’s slot after an earlier double switch. Parker came out against the right-hander Ismael Navarro, but the Thunder sent left-hander Carlos Gonzales instead, and Parker grounded out. 7-5 Thunder. Guerin 2-4, BB, 2B, RBI; Cavazos 3-5, RBI; Brady 2-5, RBI; Sharp 3-5; Flores 1-2, 2B, 2 RBI;

After this particular emotionally barren loss, I wailed and slammed my head against (and breaking most of) the wall tiles in the ladies bathroom again, while even a search with the helicopter and searchlights and 200 cops and FBI agents combing through every nook and cranny of the neighborhood couldn’t turn up the sadistic pervert whom residents claimed was declawing kittens with a rusty screwdriver in front of a megaphone.

Chris Parker is 0-11 as a pinch-hitter.

I am 270-0 against chocolate bars this season, and we are only three weeks in.

In other news

April 16 – Season over for VAN SP Juan Bello (1-0, 2.75 ERA). The 22-year old has torn a flexor tendon in his elbow.
April 16 – LVA 1B/3B Javier Vargas (.283, 1 HR, 3 RBI) has strained an oblique and will miss the rest of the month.
April 16 – WAS CL Jesus Longoria (1-1, 4.77 ERA, 1 SV) has suffered a tear in his triceps and is out for two months.
April 18 – The Capitals also lose SP Takeru Sato (0-1, 2.01 ERA) with shoulder tendinitis, but he should be back by mid-May.
April 19 – VAN INF Bob Butler (.295, 4 HR, 10 RBI) will miss at least four months and the majority of the season with a torn back muscle.

Complaints and stuff

I’ve found it! The fundamental issue lying at the base of all this team’s pitching and hitting issues. It’s actually very simple, and rooted in nature:

Procyon lotor lacks opposable thumbs, and that makes it very hard for him to grab bats and throw balls in the first place.

Duh, huh? And I thought we’d keep guessing all year long!