[Westheim]

Raccoons (49-63) vs. Loggers (69-44) – August 11-13, 2031

The Loggers were chasing The Dream, while the Raccoons were very much chasing their own bedtime, over 20 games out with 50 to play. But fascinatingly, the Loggers still lacked even a shred of offense. They were not even scoring four runs per game, third-worst in the CL, and only survived on remarkable pitching, including the second-best rotation by ERA (although they would place Francisco Colmenarez (11-7, 3.47 ERA) on the DL for the balance of the season with a broken elbow as the week began). Their run differential however was only +22, smaller than the amount of games they were over .500 … Nevertheless, they were 9-3 against the Raccoons this season, who had to win out now if they wanted to keep their decades-long string of beating up on the Loggers each and every year at least alive on a tie.

Projected matchups:
Rico Gutierrez (7-9, 5.48 ERA) vs. Morgan Shepherd (6-6, 2.30 ERA)
Jason Gurney (7-6, 3.36 ERA) vs. Joe West (10-7, 3.61 ERA)
Mark Roberts (5-5, 4.23 ERA) vs. Josh Long (6-0, 1.59 ERA)

Oh yeah, and it would have to start with Rico Gutierrez, so those were our chances. We would face three right-handed pitchers including the 23-year-old former #4 pick Josh Long, a third-year player that had gone 1-9 with a 4.31 ERA last year, but that season had ended with shoulder inflammation in July. He seemed all good now!

Game 1
MIL: 3B Lockert – C J. Young – SS W. Morris – 1B M. Monroe – LF Cambra – RF J. Stephenson – 2B Holder – CF Creech – P Shepherd
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – RF Hereford – 1B Howden – 3B Nunley – C Ross – CF Magallanes – P Gutierrez

Rico struck out the first *two* Loggers in the game, but by the second inning was already in trouble. Miles Monroe singled to left, Firmino Cambra got nailed, and they were on the corners with one out. Kaleb Holder popped out to Stalker, though, and Gutierrez struck out Gabe Creech … though not until AFTER he threw an 0-2 pitch over Toby Ross’ head to bring in Monroe with the first run of the game… The Coons took a long time to wake up, but then saw Hereford and Howden tie the game with back-to-back gappers for doubles in the bottom of the fourth. Remarkably, Gutierrez kept holding together, more or less, allowing only three hits through five innings. The Coons would place Ross and Ramos on the corners in the bottom 5th, giving them a raging five hits, but Tim Stalker flew out to Cambra in left and the game remained tied. Rico struck out Matt Lockert to begin the sixth, which put him at FIVE strikeouts in the game, which was a new season-high (…!). Jim Young walked, but Wayne Morris hit into a double play to get Rico through six. That was it, however. The seventh inning saw Cambra single with one out, Josh Stephenson doubled over Magallanes’ head, narrowly, and Cambra had to hold at third base. D.J. Mendez pinch-hit for Holder, which was a weird lefty-for-lefty move, but we left Rico in there at this point. The count ran full, the bases did too with a walk, and the Coons went to Ricky Ohl, who gave up a sac fly to Gabe Creech before he rung up PH Danny Valenzuela, but the Loggers now had a 2-1 lead. …after which it was time for Dave Martinez’ second major-league relief appearance. And we all still remember how the first one went in the 16th inning in Dallas a few years ago… and this one was only marginally better. He walked Young, but got two outs before all the family pictures fell off the wall at once. Miles Monroe hit an RBI double over Magallanes, Cambra hit an RBI single past Howden, the dumb pig, Josh Stephenson raked an RBI triple, and at this point I had the urgent desire to put a groundskeeper’s rake to Martinez’ face. The Coons went to Mauricio Garavito, who still couldn’t end the inning against Jason Parten, although it was not exactly his fault that Magallanes had Parten’s fly to center clonk off his wrist for a run-scoring error. Creech grounded out, ending a 4-run inning from hell. It was also the final nail in the coffin of the Coons’ Loggers-bopping streak. 6-1 Loggers. Ramos 2-4; Howden 2-4, 2B, RBI;

Another casualty besides any shred of dignity for Martinez and our 17-year string of dominance over the Loggers in the eighth inning was Matt Nunley, who hurt himself on a defensive play and had to be replaced by Hereford from rightfield, where Wilson Rodriguez would take over. Nunley had to be carried off on a stretcher, curled into a fetus position and lying on his right side, which was the only position that would not cause him excruciating pain, but only if he moaned constantly.

So here we are in the trainer’s room, with Maud spoon-feeding Nunley a delicious vanilla pudding (he can’t move his paws), and me daring to ask the Druid whether this was old age. Nunley hissed between spoons of pudding, but the Druid nodded.

He would be day-to-day for a week, but hardly usable to be honest. Once more, the Raccoons got to enjoy a short bench!

Game 2
MIL: C J. Young – 2B Sessoms – 1B M. Monroe – LF Cambra – RF J. Stephenson – 3B Parten – SS Holder – CF Creech – P J. West
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – RF Rodriguez – 1B Howden – C Ross – CF Allan – P Gurney

Through three Jason Gurney only allowed an infield single to Holder and bunted into a double play that ended up costing at least one run in the bottom of the third inning, erasing Ryan Allan’s leadoff single. Ramos then dropped a single in front of Cambra, and with two outs scored on Tim Stalker’s corner-seeking missile. Jamieson grounded out to leave Stalker at second, but we were up 1-0 and Gurney looked sharp! At least until he didn’t in the sixth, which in perfect pear-shaped fashion Joe West opened with a single up the middle, and with two outs Gurney walked both Monroe and Cambra. Josh Stephenson grounded out to Hereford, which was a calm way to say that Hereford raced in and fired a bare-handed pick on the run to a point where Howden could stretch for it while keeping the edge of one claw on the bag long enough before eating some dirt. The out counted, and the Coons remained up 2-0, courtesy of a fifth-inning Ramos Special for his 45th base, plated with a Jamieson single. Gurney had only one strikeout at this point, and wouldn’t add one in the seventh, either. Instead he walked Creech with two outs in a full count, then got some help from Wilson Rodriguez, who hustled to the line to snare a Joe West fly to end the inning. Gurney was hit for to begin the bottom of the inning then, albeit to no great effect as Magallanes flew out to right. Ramos walked, though, and scored on a Stalker double, which gave the Critters a 3-0 lead with all runs scored by Berto. And that was all there was to the game. Boles and Wise retired the Loggers in order in the final two innings, completing a rather “ordinary” (or flatout dull) game in a crisp two hours and a quarter. 3-0 Critters. Ramos 2-3, BB; Stalker 2-4, 2 2B, 2 RBI; Hereford 2-4; Gurney 7.0 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 1 K, W (8-6);

Yay, Berto!

Euphoria got a damper soon enough when Nick Valdes dropped in for a surprise visit on the way back from fishing sharks with dynamite in Hawaii just before the Coons could get outta town. Maud detailed him to Nunley-feeding duties in the hopes that it would keep him busy, but Valdes rather ordered Nunley’s litter moved to my office, so he could feed him there while creeping me out with endless talk about his mother never fed him as a kid; they had personnel for that. Mostly heavily armed guards.

Game 3
MIL: 3B Lockert – 2B Sessoms – SS W. Morris – 1B M. Monroe – LF Cambra – RF J. Stephenson – C Canody – CF Creech – P Long
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – RF Rodriguez – 1B Howden – CF Catella – C Leal – P Roberts

Pitchers strung up zeroes for the first four innings, with neither team getting into a *great* scoring opportunity until Mark Roberts allowed Stephenson on base on a leadoff infield single in the fifth, being too slow off the mound to chase down a dying roller that was far away from any other Critter. Taylor Canody hit into a force play, but moved to second on Creech’s grounder. Oh well, the pitcher was up, so that - … was going to be the first run of the game, Canody scoring on Josh Long’s soft single near the leftfield line, but far away from Jamieson, who we shall not forget was the same old age as Roberts – 36. After that, the game and Roberts went to hell really quick in the sixth. Aaron Sessoms drew a leadoff walk, was driven in by Monroe, Cambra walked, and Stephenson singled to load the bases with one out. Canody popped out to Jamieson in shallow left, at which point Ohl came on to replace Roberts after 5.2 innings and 105 messy pitches. He got the strikeout, and the Coons now had a chance to rally from two runs down, which was the same total as they had landed base hits in the first five innings. Both teams kept poking away, and neither scored into the ninth inning. The Loggers were out-hitting the Critters, 13-5, when we brought up the middle of the order against Alfredo Casique in the ninth. Jamieson grounded out. Hereford popped out. Rodriguez struck out. 2-0 Loggers. Leal 1-2, BB;

Raccoons (50-65) @ Warriors (65-47) – August 15-17, 2031

The Warriors were also in second place in their division, but trailed the Pacifics by a whopping 11 games at this point, which was probably too much to ever make up, but why not try it and sweep those measly Coons? The Warriors were third in runs scored and second in runs allowed in the Federal League, which was certainly not a bad combo to have. It was just not enough to beat the Pacifics. The last Coons series win had come in ****ing 2020.

Projected matchups:
Ed Hague (7-8, 3.98 ERA) vs. Todd Wood (13-6, 3.19 ERA)
Tom Shumway (1-4, 3.72 ERA) vs. Jimmy Souders (5-10, 4.32 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (7-10, 5.34 ERA) vs. John Rucker (11-7, 3.30 ERA)

Rucker would be the week’s only southpaw.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – RF Rodriguez – 1B Howden – CF Magallanes – C Ross – P Hague
SFW: CF P. Cisneros – RF C. Mendez – 1B K. Henderson – C M. Thompson – SS M. Colon – 3B E. Gonzalez – LF Parks – 2B Herman – P T. Wood

Ed Hague came, saw, and gave up homers to Pedro Cisneros and Kumanosuke Henderson right in the first inning. Make no mistake – what looked like Mark Roberts out there wasn’t actually the old man. Still an old man, though. Seriously, why is everybody around here 36 years old?? But the Warriors got only one more hit off Hague in the next three innings, which didn’t mean they didn’t send outfielders on the run, while the Coons’ offense was largely limited to Alberto Ramos for the early innings, including a 2-out triple in the third inning that came with nobody on base and was swiftly followed by Tim Stalker flailing in a full count. Top 5th, a walk and a bloop put Howden and Ross on the corners with one out. Hague struck out, but Ramos lined a ball to right and past Nick Herman for an RBI single. Tim Stalker met a ball for a change and drove it down the rightfield line, extra bases for sure. Ross and Ramos both scored, with Ross being pushed from behind on the final 30 feet so he wouldn’t hold up traffic quite so badly. Stalker’s double flipped the score, 3-2, before Jamieson sent him home with a clean single to left-center, 4-2. Hereford struck out.

Ramos failed in the sixth inning, though, in which the Coons loaded the bases with another walk and two incredibly soft singles, including a 2-out single by Hague that dropped in front of Cesar Mendez, who had a murder arm and kept Howden from going home from second base, or even thinking about it in earnest. Ramos ran a 3-1 count, then flew to center, and into the glove of Cisneros, stranding all the runners. The dilemma of still leading was solved by Hague in the bottom of the same inning, which he opened with a walk to Cisneros, who was forced out narrowly by Mendez, but there was Kumanosuke Henderson with a rather rough moonshot to left, his 17th homer of the season, to knot both teams at four. Mike Thompson’s throwing error allowed Tim Stalker to not only steal second but reach third base with nobody down in the top 7th. Jamieson flew out to shallow right, which posed the Mendez problem again, and Hereford was walked intentionally, but Rodriguez grounded slowly to second base to take off a double play and get the go-ahead run home, 5-4, which also knocked out Wood. Hague also logged only one more out before Boles completed the bottom 7th. Ohl came on for the eighth, got pinch-hitter Ethan McCullar and Cisneros, then had Mendez escape to first base on a soft single. That brought up Kumanosuke Henderson again and for crying out loud – another fly to deep right! This one, however, wouldn’t quite make it, and Wilson Rodriguez made the catch on the warning track. The lead arrived with Chris Wise in the bottom 9th, but was critically endangered within just nine pitches, which was enough for the Warriors’ Mike Thompson to make an out, and then for them to load the bags on a 4-pitch walk to Mario Colon and singles by Edgar Gonzalez and Kevin Parks. Grizzled veteran Jon Correa batted with three on and one out, fell to 1-2, poked the ball into play to Ramos, to Stalker, to Howden – ballgame! 5-4 Coons. Ramos 2-5, 3B, RBI; Stalker 3-5, 2B, 2 RBI; Jamieson 2-5, RBI; Allan (PH) 1-1;

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – RF Rodriguez – 1B Howden – CF Magallanes – C Ross – P Shumway
SFW: P. Cisneros – 2B Herman – 1B K. Henderson – C M. Thompson – SS M. Colon – 3B A. Walker – RF Jon Correa – LF Parks – P Souders

The Coons led two pitches into the game thanks to Alberto Ramos rocking a blast to right, and would add a second run against a shaken run on Jamieson and Hereford hits coupled with a run-scoring grounder hit by Rodriguez. The 2-0 lead was not made to last, especially with Tom Scumbag sucking the heck out of his assignment and needing 75 pitches through three innings, the second and third of which both yielded an incredibly slow-paced, boa constrictor sort of run for the Warriors, who kept putting their bravest on base but couldn’t get that one final knockout blow and stranded six between the first three innings. Parks and Colon had RBI knocks for them in the early innings. Five innings took Shumway 104 pitches, most of them ineffective, and he retired in a tie.

At some point the Coons’ staff then fell stupid and decided a 2-2 tie on the road would be a good spot for Dave Martinez to hone his long-man skills, if he had any. After a quick sixth inning that should partially be credited on tough defense, Martinez walked the #8 and #9 batters, Parks and Gonzalez, then was lucky that Howden made a cat-like play on Cisneros’ bouncer. The go-ahead runs were in scoring position with one out, and the Critters grumpily went to an actual pitcher, Anaya. The rookie struck out Nick Herman, then was not the first Critter to allow a deep drive to right to Henderson – but Rodriguez caught up with another one on the warning track, and the game remained tied, but then fell to Thompson singling and stealing second (!) in the eighth inning – while the Coons had both Stalker and Ramos thrown out at different spots in the game – before PH Ethan McCullar hit a 390-footer to left that broke the tie and probably also Anayas spirits. The Coons’ answer in the ninth was a 2-out Hereford single that led nowhere. Gilberto Castillo got Rodriguez to fly out to Cisneros to end the game. 4-2 Warriors. Stalker 2-4; Hereford 2-4, 2B;

The offense has really gone absent here. It’s bad enough that I want to give Daniel Hall a call and see whether he can get a set of spikes on those light-gray pensioner’s slippers with custom-made insoles.

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – RF Rodriguez – 1B Howden – CF Magallanes – C Leal – P Gutierrez
SFW: CF P. Cisneros – RF C. Mendez – 1B K. Henderson – C M. Thompson – SS M. Colon – 3B A. Walker – 2B Herman – LF Jon Correa – P J. Rucker

Ramos opened another game with an extra-base hit, this time a double to right. In fact, the first four Coons all hit line drive base hits, alternating doubles and singles for a 2-0 lead before the 5-6-7 batters collectively farted and left runners on the corners on a pop, a fly too shallow, and a fly to center that was caught anyway. Oh, if that wasn’t coming back to bite us …! It took only til the second inning for the Warriors to shake a run out of Rodriguez on 2-out hits by Andy Walker and Nick Herman, but he held on to the lead at least. Adding a run or two would certainly help his cause, though, but the Coons suffered through bad, bad offense in the following innings, and Gutierrez was no small part of it, failing to put down a bunt with a guy on first not once but TWICE, in the second and fourth innings. Come the fifth, Jamieson and Rodriguez were on with base hits, but Jarod Howden spanked into a double play, the dumb pig.

Top 6th, both teams somehow got worse. Magallanes led off with a bloop single, and the Coons called a hit-and-run that never worked. Leal struck out, but Magallanes somehow stole second anyway. Rico Gutierrez then promptly struck out, too. Ramos grounded to the mound, Rucker fudged the ball, and the error put them on the corners. And then Tim Stalker ****tily flew out to Cesar Mendez in shallow right… Gutierrez somehow came around a Mendez single with one out in the bottom 6th, striking out Henderson in the process! Top 7th, Jamieson singled off Rucker, was doubled up by Hereford, and then Rodriguez reached base with a single, stole second with Howden violently ripping his way to 0-2. He kept ripping after that and actually met the 0-2 pitch, blasting a homer over the rightfield fence, 4-1! That lead even stood up despite Rico going into the bottom 7th and putting Colon and Correa on the corners. Fleischer replaced him with two outs and got McCullar to ground out from the #9 spot. Boles did the eighth in acceptable fashion, and while the Critters shelled out 13 hits, they could not get more than four runs in regulation, which began to rear its ugly head in the bottom of the ninth, which began with a Thompson triple off Chris Wise, and soon spiraled out of control. Colon and PH Jeff Wadley singled, which already put the tying run on base with nobody out. Ex-Coon Matt Hamilton struck out, and Correa – also an ex-Coon – popped out behind home plate. Edgar Gonzalez, however, singled to center, plating Colon and allowing Wadley to third on Magallanes’ throw home, with Gonzalez in turn going to second dbase as the winning run. With Cisneros next, the Coons pulled the plug on Wise and went to their remaining left-hander, Mauricio Garavito, who got Cisneros to 1-2 before he had the ball put in play. Bouncer past the pitcher, picking up speed as it hit the back of the mound, and raced past Stalker into centerfield. Wadley in to tie, Gonzalez in to win. 5-4 Warriors. Ramos 2-3, 2 BB, 2B; Jamieson 3-5, 2B, RBI; Hereford 2-5, RBI; Rodriguez 2-5; Gutierrez 6.2 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 2 K;

In other news

August 11 – The Indians send LF/RF Ivan Vega (.338, 4 HR, 25 RBI) to the Canadiens for right-hander MR Chris Vazquez (0-0, 0.00 ERA in 3 G) and a second-rate prospect.
August 11 – ATL 2B/3B John Johnson (.275, 5 HR, 41 RBI) goes back to the DL with a strained hamstring that will keep him out at least for the rest of this month.
August 13 – TIJ 3B Shane Sanks (.230, 16 HR, 61 RBI) will miss two weeks with an elbow contusion.
August 15 – Titans fans are devastated to learn that SP Adam Potter (15-5, 2.75 ERA) will miss the rest of the season to have bone chips removed from his elbow.
August 15 – With a single in the Knights’ 2-1 win over the Buffaloes, ATL RF/LF Roy Pincus (.338, 10 HR, 59 RBI) has chained up a 20-game hitting streak.
August 15 – SFB INF Jose Cruz (.309, 5 HR, 36 RBI) has four hits and as many RBI from the leadoff spot in a wild 11-7 win over the Cyclones.
August 17 – LVA 1B Jon Gonzalez (.302, 13 HR, 43 RBI) drives in five in the Aces’ 13-0 rout of the Rebels.
August 17 – ATL RF/LF Roy Pincus (.336, 10 HR, 60 RBI) has his hitting streak end at 21 games after going hitless in a 5-1 defeat the Knights suffer in Topeka.

Complaints and stuff

I know, I know, I promised Elias Tovias and Jimmy Wallace to return this week, and neither did. Nunley was also supposed to be only out for this week, but … (points to Nunley moaning in his litter) … Meanwhile, Tovias only started a rehab assignment on Thursday, which was already a day or two behind schedule, and Wallace also took a few days longer. But both should rejoin the team during the Miners series that starts Tuesday. Totally. Absolutely certainly. (whispers to the Druid) Mena, I don’t think that belongs in that socket. – No, that looks more like the one with the longer finger things. – Try it on the upper one. – No, that’s the eye. – GODDAMNIT!!

Wait, are we actually waiting on Elias Tovias to come back to give us a boost? Jesus Christ…! (lightning strikes outside) I mean, Praise be to Odilon, Praise be, Praise be! – Hah. Suddenly it’s sunny again outside…

Matt Nunley’s back isn’t getting better. The Druid still agrees with me that this is old age. He has applied crocodile tear oil on a daily basis on the sore spots and the alleged miracle has still refused to occur…

Did you know that Matt Nunley has three times as many plate appearances as Alberto Ramos, but 17 times as many double plays grounded into? – Okay. But did you know that Matt Nunley has a better career stealing percentage than Berto? I just don’t know whether 8-for-10 is something to write home about.

I talked with our head scout, Enrico or something, or maybe Mauro, or perhaps Jean-Luc, what the **** do I know… I talked with our head scout about Jason Gurney, who I said was doing quite nicely for himself. The scout frothed, remarking how he was actually surprised that Gurney still tried to make it in baseball. He clearly had nothing. He had a 3.16 ERA, I replied. The scout countered that Dave Martinez had had an even better ERA in ’29, and where was he now? And then bumbled something about “casualidad favorable” that I didn’t understand. Nooo. Gurney’s different, I’m sure. He’s a Nick Brown Memorial Pick for crying out loud! And he wasn’t even getting the .241 BABIP defense that Martinez got in ’29.

As we are on draft picks, Manny Fernandez is batting an uninspired .240 in Aumsville.

Fun Fact: From 2014 through 2030, the Raccoons’ total record against the Loggers was 191-116 (.622).

That impressive win total does not include the second tie-breaker game in 2020 (fakes to-)NickLester!!(-sneeze).

Discounting interleague pairings, the new longest season series-winning streak (ties count, though they are impossible against CL South teams) the Coons have? That would be against the Aces, five years in a row, but we still have to take a game from them in our last series of the year to keep that alive.

It is also the only series longer than one season – the Aces and Loggers were the only teams we beat in both horrid 2029 and dismal 2030.