[Westheim]

Raccoons (19-30) vs. Falcons (19-31) – May 31-June 2, 2032

The attraction of two genuinely terrible teams. Maud, you think we have to open more than two gates tonight? We could save some quid on the cashiers and the people that check the bags for contraband food. – No? – Fine.

Anyway, the Falcons were third from the bottom in runs scored, fifth from the bottom in runs allowed, and had a -36 run differential, which was boilerplate bad at the end of May, and yet not even half the Coons’ margin under .500; they had a 2-1 edge in the season series.

Projected matchups:
Ignacio del Rio (3-3, 3.66 ERA) vs. Mark Matthews (0-2, 6.23 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (3-5, 5.50 ERA) vs. Chris Miller (1-0, 4.18 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (2-3, 7.31 ERA) vs. John Jackson (0-1, 4.50 ERA)

Now, these were three right-handers, but the Falcons had been ravaged by injury and had no fewer than three of their starting pitchers on the DL, including Brian Bowsman, Aaron Lewis (both probably out for the year), and Jim Tierney (maybe September?). Outfielder Barend Kok was also stashed away on the DL. Miller had pitched in relief on Friday, but had only offered 23 pitches, so should be able to go on three days’ rest by Tuesday.

Game 1
CHA: 2B D. Ruiz – SS Coughenour – LF Salto – C Huichapa – RF Trahan – 3B G. Ortiz – CF N. Nelson – 1B Mack – P Matthews
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Perkins – LF Wallace – RF Rodriguez – 1B Howden – 2B Stalker – CF Braun – C James – P del Rio

The pretense that somehow del Rio was the staff ace all of a sudden got dispelled by the Falcons in the first inning; or rather by himself. He walked Danny Ruiz, Ernesto Huichapa, and Dave Trahan, then allowed a bases-clearing double to Greg Ortiz, the one that got away, and for good measure a bomb to Nate Nelson to put the Coons in their usual place, down 5-0. The first inning ordeal took 44 pitches and over 20 minutes, and some select troublemakers in the cheap seats were booing already. Ruiz walked, Dave Coughenour singled, Ruiz got actually caught stealing, which was also something we weren’t seeing a lot of ‘round here, but Graciano Salto tripled and Huichapa singled to add two more in the second inning, after which del Rio was excused from further efforts. Not that culling the starter made anything better – Jonathan Fleischer got raided for three in the third, and the Falcons (a bottom three offense, remember?) were into double digits just like that. In between, Jarod Howden had hit a solo home run in the bottom 2nd, which then made it a 7-1 game, and which the excessively thin crowd took for what it was – worthless.

Preston Pinkerton hit a triple in the #9 hole in the bottom 3rd, came home on Ramos’ sac fly, 10-2, and then got to pitch in the fourth inning for a change. He also got to pitch the fifth and sixth, conceding a run only when the stupid defense behind him couldn’t turn a double play with runners on the corners and one down on Ortiz. In between, Pinkerton also drew a bases-loaded walk from Matthews while batting, automatically making him Raccoon of the Week, and it was only ****ing Monday. And while our offense was also laden with problems and a multitude of players not hitting a damn lick at this point, the Raccoons kept scratching out the odd run here and there. Stalker and Braun produced a run on back-to-back doubles off Matthews in the sixth. Braun was on again in the ninth against lefty Danny Burgess, who hung one to Giovanni James that was hit into the stands in rightfield, 30 feet away from a boy with a glove, and he had all the time in the world to walk over and pick it up… Nate Hall added a pinch-hit double and scored on two outs, but that still kept the team a slam short after the early rampage. 11-7 Falcons. Howden 2-4, HR, 2B, RBI; Braun 3-4, 2B, RBI; James 1-2, 2 BB, HR, 2 RBI; Hall (PH) 1-1, 2B; Pinkerton 3.0 IP, 1 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 2 K and 1-2, BB, 3B, RBI; Hennessy 2.0 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

Speaking of offensive woes, the Raccoons plated seven runs in this game while their top four in the lineup went 0-for-17 with one walk (Wallace) and two sac flies (Ramos, Perkins). Berto is 2-for-28. Rodriguez is 2-for-24. Nate Hall is also dead in the Willamette, 4-for-32.

Thank goodness we don’t have any other problems.

Jonathan Fleischer (5.02 ERA) was demoted to AAA and Nick Bates was recalled.

Game 2
CHA: 2B D. Ruiz – SS Coughenour – 3B G. Ortiz – LF Salto – CF N. Nelson – C Cooper – RF Trahan – 1B Mack – P C. Miller
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – 3B Perkins – 1B Howden – CF Braun – LF Hall – C Wool – P Gutierrez

Normally the best thing you could say about Rico Gutierrez was that not as soon as he finished his warm-up tosses a pair of horsemen each broke through either bullpen gate and galloped in to knot ropes around each of his appendages to swiftly quarter him right over the pitching mound. Gutierrez kept stuff on the ground, which was sort of his best bet at this point, and Tim Stalker made some good plays early on, too, but the Falcons amounted to zero in the time in which they had run out del Rio and Fleischer for ten the night before. Gutierrez, less appealingly, also landed the Critters’ first base hit, a single to right, after Chris Miller had retired eight straight to begin his day. Ramos and Stalker chipped in two more 2-out singles to bring Gutierrez around to score for the first run of the game. Jimmy Wallace hit a comebacker to end the inning.

Then the Falcons woke up. Nate Nelson homered to tie the game in the fourth, and immediately Matt Cooper (walk) and Crai Mack (single) also reached base. Gutierrez threw a wild pitch, but stranded them in scoring position with a K to Miller. The pitcher would be at the plate again with two outs in the sixth and Matt Cooper and Mack in scoring position with two base hits, but Miller popped out to keep the score knotted. The Critters didn’t score in the bottom 6th, leaving Gutierrez with a no-decision as we weren’t going to send him out for the fourth trip through a mostly right-handed lineup. Instead Anaya had to battle through a few left-handed pinch-hitters in the top 7th before the bottom of the inning brought a 2-out double to right by Zitzner from the #9 hole (after being double-switched in with Anaya), and Miller walked Berto, then threw a wild pitch. Stalker ran a 3-1 count, then grounded to Quinn Jewell at short. Jewell threw the ball past new first baseman Johnny Oltman, and both runners were awarded home plate to give Portland a 3-1 lead. Wallace left Stalker on with a fly to center, turning it over to the eighth, where before long the Falcons had two out and two in scoring position, Nelson and Cooper. Nick Bates had put them on, and his departure made them Fernandez’ problem. With two down, Fernandez got a grounder from Huichapa to Stalker, Stalker ****ED it, and the error scored Nelson, 3-2. Fernandez walked Oltman to fill the bags, was yanked for Wise, who arrived in a double switch with Wilson Rodriguez (out went Wallace), and Wise rung up the .321 hitter Jewell to strand a full set. Come the ninth, Wise walked leadoff man Ortiz, allowed a 2-out single to Cooper, and somehow survived two line drives, the last of which Ramos caught off Dave Trahan’s bat to end the game. 3-2 Coons. Ramos 2-3, BB; Zitzner 1-1, 2B; Gutierrez 6.0 IP, 7 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 2 K and 1-1, BB; Wise 1.1 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 2 K, SV (11);

Game 3
CHA: 2B D. Ruiz – SS Coughenour – LF Salto – C Huichapa – 3B G. Ortiz – CF N. Nelson – RF M. Mendoza – 1B Mack – P J. Jackson
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – 3B Perkins – 1B Zitzner – CF Braun – LF Hall – C James – P Sabre

Misery took hold fast after Ruiz’ initial groundout. Coughenour and Salto landed hits, Huichapa walked, and with the bags full Sabre nailed Ortiz to get a run across right away in the first. Nate Nelson hit an RBI single past Ramos before Mario Mendoza popped out and Zitzner made a *marvelous* play on Mack’s grounder to end the inning with only two runs’ worth of damage. Add two to that in the second, which Jackson led off with a single – FOR ****’S SAKE!! – and Ruiz rammed a triple off the fence before being brought in with a groundout, 4-0. Every. Single. ****ing. Game. (slams desk with clenched fist before yelling at Honeypaws) There will have to be sweeping changes in this **** hole!!

One sweeping change was spotted in the bottom 4th when heretofore well-hidden Coons put two on base with a pair of 1-out walks to Perkins and Zitzner before Braun looped a ball over Coughenour for a bases-filling single. That also fired Adam Braun all the way to a .201 batting average. Whoah, slow it down, Ad – I’m getting dizzy up here! Nate Hall hit a sac fly to center, which was not exactly keeping the momentum, but Giovanni James singled to Nelson’s feet after that. Actually, Nelson misplayed it; instead of playing it safe, he came in aggro and then pulled up too late, the ball hit his glove on the first bounce, and got behind him for an extra base and a run on a clumsy fielding error. Sabre had the tying runs in scoring position with two outs – yeah, well… - and chucked a ball up the middle for an RBI single, cutting it to 4-3. Ramos flew out to left… No, the Coons couldn’t get over the hump. Sabre hung in for six innings before being hit for with James on first base and two outs but Howden struck out feebly in his spot. Then came Jared Stone in the seventh and served up a 2-run homer to Huichapa that gave the Falcons a new 3-run lead, 6-3.

But there was another fat chance for the Coons to come back. The bottom 8th saw Chris D’Angelo, a right-hander with an ERA over six (beleaguered pitching staffs everywhere…) for Charlotte. Perkins hit a leadoff double, and D’Angelo lost both Zitzner and Braun to walks. Three on, no outs – what a terrible spot to be in! Danny Burgess, a lefty, replaced D’Angelo and rung up Hall. Rodriguez was sent to bat for James to get a hold on the southpaw, but the Falcons instead went to a right-hander, Mike Tandy and his 5.29 ERA. Rodriguez grounded to third, only play was at first, and a run scored, but we had been hoping for more here. Wool ended up batting for Bates and grounded out to Ruiz, leaving the tying runs in scoring position. Both closers got involved in the ninth. Wise had a scoreless inning before Tony Rivas, a righty with a 3.04 ERA came on. Ramos singled. Stalker singled. The winning run was at the plate with nobody out. Wallace grounded into a fielder’s choice on the first pitch he saw. Perkins also hit the first pitch, flying out to center. Ramos scored, but that didn’t ****ing help any. Zitzner – ALSO hit the first pitch, and ALSO flew out to center. 6-5 Falcons. James 2-2, BB, RBI;

Well, at least they ****ing got to beat traffic after three pitches and three outs!! (has foam on the edge of his mouth)

Raccoons (20-32) vs. Titans (34-20) – June 4-6, 2032

Hope was misplaced here. After winning the first two games of the season from Boston, the Coons had lost four straight against the blue terrors, and many, many more games against everybody else. They were second in the league in runs scored and runs allowed, had the best rotation, the second-best pen, a strong defense, hit for power, stole bases, and were probably also glad to have gotten rid of Adam Braun just in time… They had won five in a row, including a raucous sweep of the Condors in the middle of the week.

Projected matchups:
Jason Gurney (2-4, 5.55 ERA) vs. Mario Gonzalez (4-4, 2.73 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (3-4, 4.81 ERA) vs. Dustin Wingo (5-3, 4.31 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (3-5, 5.09 ERA) vs. Alex Contreras (4-2, 4.01 ERA)

Left, left, right for the weekend. There were also some injuries for the Titans, who were without catcher David Lessman foremost, and also a few other players including SP Josh Walsh and an unwell Moises Avila, who could however return any day.

The Coons executed a straight skip of the horrendous Tom Shumway.

Game 1
BOS: CF Reichardt – LF W. Vega – 1B Uliasz – SS Spataro – 2B R. West – C R. Avila – 3B T. Johnson – RF Jamieson – P M. Gonzalez
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Perkins – 1B Zitzner – RF Rodriguez – CF Braun – LF Hall – C James – P Gurney

Adrian Reichardt, the persistent pest that just kept on pestering, legged out an infield single on the first pitch of the game, which was basically “ballgame”. Willie Vega doubled, Justin Uliasz scored Reichardt with a grounder, and then Keith Spataro’s comebacker and Rhett West’s comebacker curtailed a crooked number early on. In fact, Gurney buried his claws and teeth in the mound after this and held the Titans rather short in the next few innings, allowing only two more hits through five innings, and no additional runs, which already made him sort of a winner… well, except in that old box score. The Coons had Ramos and Stalker on with a pair of 2-out singles in the third, but Perkins stranded them, and then it was Ramos again with a 2-out single in the fifth to stir up trouble. He stole second, then came around when Stalker singled over the head of Uliasz, tying the game in the process. Stalker was left on again, so of course the Titans went straight to the corners in the top of the sixth with an Uliasz double and a Spataro single. West hit a comebacker that Gurney would have loved to turn into two, but they only got Spataro at second and the Titans remained on the corners for Roberto Avila, who was batting .207. The 1-1 pitch got away from Giovanni James, with the go-ahead run scoring on the passed ball. Gurney, visibly unsettled, went on to walk Avila, and with two outs allowed back-to-back RBI singles to Jamieson and … and the ****ing opposing pitcher. He was yanked in a 4-1 game, and Garavito got the third out from Reichardt.

Then it was Dinger Time. Zitzner and Braun hit solo shots in the bottom 6th. Willie Vega took Garavito deep to start the seventh, 5-3. The Coons’ pen was wonky, with Stone and Fernandez also both putting two on base, but somehow the Titans didn’t zoom away and it remained a 2-run game into the bottom of the ninth which James led off with a double over the head of Adrian Reichardt (!!) against Jermaine Campbell and his 1.85 ERA. Marsingill struck out. Ramos floated a soft single to bring the winning run to the plate. Tim Stalker also flew to center, but Reichardt got leather on that one, James holding at first base. It was down to Jimmy Wallace, also slumping, and pinch-hitting for the pitcher Fernandez in the #3 spot. He grounded out to West. 5-3 Titans. Ramos 4-5; Stalker 2-5, RBI; Marsingill (PH) 1-2;

This was Adam Braun’s first home run as a Raccoon. Only took him until June! Silly me was already worried…

Maud, how many games left in the season? – Nine? – Great! I don’t think I can stomach even one more ga- … - Oh, a HUNDRED and nine.

(rolls into a ball under the desk)

Game 2
BOS: CF M. Avila – LF W. Vega – 1B Uliasz – RF M. Walker – SS Spataro – 2B R. West – 3B T. Johnson – C Pizzo – P Contreras
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – 3B Perkins – 1B Howden – CF Braun – LF Hall – C James – P del Rio

Ramos reached on an Uliasz error in the first, but was caught stealing, but the Critters remained brash on the bases. Howden reached with a leadoff infield single in the second, Braun singled, Howden went really madly to third base and Mark Walker didn’t get a good throw off at all, opening a hole at second base as Spataro had to curtail the throw in no man’s land, and giving the Coons two in scoring position with nobody out. They got only one run on Hall’s grounder, with James popping out and del Rio rolling over to Todd Johnson. Perkins would scratch out another run, scoring Stalker with a 2-out single in the third. Meanwhile, del Rio had not allowed a hit yet, but nailed Vega in the fourth. Vega stole second, then came around on Mark Walker’s base hit through Perkins, but collided with Giovanni James and had to leave the game with an injury. Matt Jamieson replaced him while Ramos made a spectacular play on a sharp bouncer by Spataro to keep the 2-1 lead in one piece through the top 4th.

On the plus side, del Rio would protect the 2-1 lead through seven innings, whiffing as many Titans before the pitch count forced him out following Mike Pizzo’s inning-ending double play in the top of the seventh. On the flip side, the Coons were not hitting anything, either, and their lead was extremely flimsy. Ramos reached base and stole second with two outs in the seventh, but was stranded by Stalker. Anaya came out for the eighth, Braun spoiled a Reichardt drive in deep center to begin the inning – how does that taste, Reichardt?? – and Anaya got two outs before Jamieson and Uliasz landed hits to get to the corners. Fernandez came out to face the left-hander Walker, who hit a deep drive to left… deep… deep… still deep… and Nate Hall was there. No insurance run came together for Portland, either, so it was Chris Wise in the ninth inning against the 5-6-7 bunch and with no cushion. He walked Spataro in a full count. Good start…! West moved the runner with a bunt, while Johnson flew out to Pinkerton in center. That brought up Pizzo, batting .068, but there was that well-known Curse of the Ex-Coons … but not this time. Pizzo grounded out to Howden on the first pitch, and the Coons snatched that one… 2-1 Blighters. Stalker 1-2, 2 BB; Perkins 2-4, RBI; Braun 2-3; del Rio 7.0 IP, 2 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 3 BB, 7 K, W (4-4);

Willie Vega was ruled out with a thumb contusion and would miss about a week. He was not DL’ed, so the Titans had a short bench for the rubber game.

Game 3
BOS: CF M. Avila – LF Reichardt – 1B Uliasz – SS Spataro – 2B R. West – C R. Avila – 3B T. Johnson – RF M. Walker – P Wingo
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Perkins – 1B Zitzner – RF Rodriguez – CF Braun – LF Hall – C Wool – P Gutierrez

The Titans took a 2-0 lead in the second. It was a stupid lead, because they were stupid runs. Rhett West was on second base with two outs and Gutierrez ran an 0-2 count against Todd Johnson, but because a moldy lemon had more stuff than Gutierrez (but didn’t make nearly as much dough), Johnson spanked an RBI single past Perkins. Gutierrez threw a wild pitch, then allowed another 2-strike, 2-out RBI single to Mark Walker before ringing up Wingo, barely, in a full count. Two walks and two hits somehow cost the Coons only one more run in the third inning before Johnson grounded out to Ramos to end that miserable inning. By the way, the home team managed only a Stalker walk and a Perkins double play the first time through, but I managed to get all the way to the Capt’n’s hat on this brand new bottle o’ stew here before Gutierrez trudged out for the fourth, and come the fifth the NWSN cameras caught the mascot animating an entire section that was empty, not a soul in it, well, except for Chad, who had glue-sniffed his brains out many years ago.

Wingo continued to face the minimum through five, and the Coons almost got Gutierrez through six, which was already at the success level of performance for him, but a 2-out walk to Walker (well, the name says it…) and a Wingo single (**** my life) knocked him out. Stone got Moises Avila to ground out to end the top 6th. That aside, the Coons were hitless through six and hadn’t been on base since that Stalker walk in the first. The 1-2-3 made swift outs against Wingo in the seventh, but Travis Zitzner took off the threat when he dropped a ****ty blooper into shallow center to begin the eighth inning, unreachable for anybody, but by no means impressive. Marsingill hit for Hennessy in the vacated Rodriguez spot, knocked into a double play, Braun doubled, and Hall struck out. All was well and in order in Portland… well, except that we lost. Jermaine Campbell spelled WIngo in the ninth when the titans couldn't get out of save range, but a soft Ramos single was all their was to their rally that never arrived. 3-0 Titans. Stone 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 2 K;

In other news

May 31 – The Titans tear down the Condors in a 20-6 blowout. BOS 1B Justin Uliasz (.290, 11 HR, 43 RBI) falls a triple shy of the cycle with five hits plating three runs. BOS OF Mark Walker (.286, 7 HR, 38 RBI) has three hits and drives in five runs. All position players in the Titans’ lineup have at least one hit and score at least one run.
May 31 – LAP 2B/3B Dave Menth (.312, 9 HR, 20 RBI) has four hits and five RBI in a 13-4 romp over the Miners.
June 1 – SFB 2B/SS Jose Cruz (.294, 2 HR, 40 RBI) will miss three weeks with a quad strain.
June 2 – Boston’s SP/MR Tony Chavez (5-0, 1.64 ERA, 1 SV) 3-hits the Condors in a 4-0 shutout.
June 6 – SAL SP Rin Nomura (5-2, 2.74 ERA) throws a 3-hit shutout against the Warriors, somehow surviving despite issuing *seven* walks. The Wolves win 6-0.
June 6 – New York’s 1B Jay Elder (.236, 1 HR, 23 RBI) is set to miss three weeks with a bruised wrist.

Complaints and stuff

Compared to the raging circus of the first two months, this week was almost dull in comparison. After the horror show on Monday we actually had five straight games with relatively normal baseball scores. Well, I’d like the team to score more than 3.33 runs per game, but maybe we can work on that next week…

We are now into a string of 20 consecutive games, so no more skipping Scumbags from here. Bernie Chavez is however likely to start a rehab assignment some time next week, so there could be a shakeup in the making by the second half of the month. Nobody else in AAA is doing particularly well, either, and certainly not Dave Martinez with an ERA over five.

But we should talk about a few hitting prospects, three in particular. The first one would be last year’s #5 pick, Manny Fernandez, now 22 and batting a lame .244 with four homers in single-A. He is drawing some walks and he will probably move up after the new draft ten days from now, but it’s sure not the pants-on-fire performance that f.e. once put a #8 pick Daniel Sharp on the major league roster only two months after being drafted.

We have also been watching Elliott Thompson ever since taking him in the sixth round (#155) of the 2028 draft; well, since about late ’29, early ’30. His first 12 months in professional baseball were gruesome. He hit .242 with four homers in AA last season and was moved up to St. Pete to begin this year. There, the 22-year-old has flourished. He is currently batting .353/.441/.431 in 43 games, and he throws out 42% of base stealers. There could be a surprise promotion in the very near future!

The last one is a guy that hasn’t often been talked about even recently, Ed Hooge (pronounced: hooch!), who seems to be no mooch, either. The #16 pick from 2030 made the promotion to St. Pete late last year after starting out the year in Aumsville, and batted .286 with four homers in 30 games. This year, in 48 games, he’s gone .328 with six homers and 24 extra-base hits. He is also 22, but maybe we should start looking for a desert in which to dispose of Nate Hall. Or, better, Braun.

Fun Fact: In addition to the way-worst team ERA the Coons also bring up the rear in BABIP and GO%.

These are connected, but our infield defense is not that bad. The team BABIP is .317, which is pretty horrendous and almost 20 points over the CL average. Also, we still have a Gold Glover a the keystone, and they are not obviously terrible with the glove. I mean, sometimes you can see it. Think Ricardo Martinez, who almost got clocked once or twice by Nick Brown ca. 2008 for being so outrageously **** at the hot corner.

Not getting anybody to strike out also hurts. Other teams just keep runners moving. Ignacio del Rio leads the team with 42 K. And remember that he was in AAA for the first few weeks…

In fact, del Rio leads the team in all triple crown categories now…….

I could watch some video from a Jonny Toner start from like 15 years ago now, but I think I would jump out the window and, given my luck, land on Chad’s well-cushioned head in some empty section below.