[Westheim]

Raccoons (0-0) vs. Titans (0-0) – April 4-6, 2033

Another season is here, and somehow the Titans are, too. Last year, the Coons won the first two games of the season from the Titans, but by the end of the year the teams were still separated by a good 40 games, just in the other direction. The Raccoons had won the season series from Boston only one in the last 11 years, and ’32 was no exception, with the Titans taking 11 of the 18 contests.

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (0-0) vs. Adam Potter (0-0)
Ignacio del Rio (0-0) vs. Mario Gonzalez (0-0)
Raffaello Sabre (0-0) vs. Dustin Wingo (0-0)

We will get a right-hander on Opening Day, but then two southpaws right after that.

Game 1
BOS: CF M. Avila – SS Spataro – LF W. Vega – 1B Uliasz – C Lessman – 3B E. Gonzalez – RF M. Walker – 2B R. West – P Potter
POR: SS Ramos – CF Reichardt – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – C Garcia – RF Jennings – 3B Perkins – 2B Stalker – P Chavez

It took only two innings for Opening Day man Bernie Chavez to get taken apart by the Titans. Edgar Gonzalez homered to right, he walked the next two batters in Mark Walker and Rhett West, Potter bunted them over, and Moises Avila cashed them with a 2-out, 2-run double. In another sign that yearlong desolation wasn’t far from us, nobody got a hit the first time through for the Critters. Jimmy Wallace drew a 2-out walk in the first, Alberto Ramos drew a 2-out walk in the third. Berto stole second, but was stranded anyway when detitanized Adrian Reichardt grounded out to West. Through five, the Coons still had no base hits, and while Bernie Chavez held the Titans to the three knockers he had given up in the second, he also walked five while striking out seven, exploding his pitch count before long. His free passes to Justin Uliasz and David Lessman in the sixth put him near 100 pitches. He got Gonzalez on a liner to Staker (or rather Stalker got Gonzalez on that liner…), then was replaced with two outs. David Fernandez faced the lefty Walker and rung him up, keeping it 3-0 through the middle of the sixth. Noel Ferrero hit for Fernandez to begin the bottom 6th, but hit a comebacker, and two soft flies by Ramos and Reichardt had Potter on no-hit pace through six.

Then it got REALLY ugly. I mean, getting no-hit on Opening Day in your own sparsely attended park is one thing, but in the top of the seventh the Coons’ pen collectively crapped out. Nick Bates walked Moises Avila and Keith Spataro after getting two outs, then was yanked for John Hennessy, our lone 2032 All Star, who walked all three batters he faced before getting the old hook. Victor Anaya nailed Gonzalez to force in another run before Walker grounded out by accident. Three runs on no hits, or in other words, three runs and no hits more than the Coons had in the game as a whole. The no-hitter went away when Travis Zitzner hit a 1-out triple in the bottom 7th, but then was stranded on a Garcia K and Jennings lifting out softly to Willie Vega. Great – now we couldn’t even be special by getting NOPE’d on Opening Day! All that was left for the Critters now was a bewilderingly pathetic loss, and probably one of many this year… The Titans tacked on a run in the ninth on Garavito, who was betrayed by Tom Hawkins’ stupid error at second base after allowing a single to Lessman… and then allowed a couple more. Berto Ramos opened the bottom 9th with a double to left, but injured himself on the slide into second base, which was the point where I broke out the hard liquor. Wallace plated the pinch-running Justin Marsingill with a sac fly, but … ugh. UGH! … 7-1 Titans.

Alright. Buried deep in the debris of this colossal stinker of an opener, we sure can find some positives.

(takes another big gulp from the Capt’n Coma bottle)

Nope, got nothin’. Dr. Chung reports that Ramos has a strained rib cage muscle and will be day-to-day for the rest of the week. He can play, Dr. Chung declares, and should stop the whining before he will be forced to remove a rib manually. Berto, you better comply, I hear he does not think much of anesthetics. It’s the Pyongyang School of Medicine after all.

Game 2
BOS: CF M. Avila – SS Spataro – LF W. Vega – 1B Uliasz – C Lessman – 3B E. Gonzalez – RF M. Walker – 2B R. West – P M. Gonzalez
POR: RF Ferrero – CF Reichardt – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – C Garcia – 3B Perkins – SS Stalker – 2B Marsingill – P del Rio

DCC (Designated Clubhouse Cancer) Ignacio del Rio was determined to leave a mark this season, and started by leaving a mark in Moises Avila’s upper arm, nailing him with a 2-2 pitch to begin the game. Avila was then caught stealing by Fernando Garcia, which was surely ONE way to get outs. Del Rio went on to walk Spataro, Uliasz singled, Lessman walked, and with the bags full, Edgar Gonzalez grounded out to Stalker at short, with the iffy Berto not in the lineup, especially against a left-hander, and we expected the same for the third game. Yet, before we could go *there*, we had to complete this one. Reichardt got his 1,799th career hit – and the first not for Boston – with a first-inning single, Zitzner singled, too – a Coon with multiple hits on the season, and we are only in game TWO! – but Garcia grounded out to keep the Critters off the board.

After 30 pitches in the first, del Rio needed only a bit more than that for the next three while the game remained scoreless. Then he nailed Avila again in the fifth inning. On the 2-2 to Spataro, Avila went again – and Garcia killed him AGAIN! Spataro would work the walk, but be stranded on Vega’s grounder to Perkins. Mark Walker would be caught stealing in the sixth… but only after he singled home David Lessman, who himself had hit a double to right, breaking the scoreless tie. The Coons had three hits through five innings, a marked improvement from Monday, but could not get remotely into a position to threaten Mario Gonzalez. Del Rio lasted seven innings on 108 pitches, but nevertheless left the game on the hook. They didn’t get on base at all through the middle innings and into the eighth, in which first Garcia threw out another hopeful base stealer (Vega), and then Gonzalez leaked his first walk to Marsingill to lead off the bottom 8th. To considerable cheers, Alberto Ramos appeared as pinch-hitter for Ed Blair, who made his Coons debut in scoreless fashion, then flew out to Vega. Ferrero and Reichardt fared little better, and Marsingill was stranded. Hennessy held the Titans away in the ninth, actually retiring somebody in the process to get rid of the infinite ERA for ’33, and then it would be Jermaine Campbell against the “meat” of the Coons’ so-far-3-hit order. Wallace hit a ball well, but into Avila’s glove. Zitzner whiffed. Jennings was sent for Garcia, and grounded out to short. 1-0 Titans. Zitzner 2-4; del Rio 7.0 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 3 BB, 4 K, L (0-1);

(looks like it has rained for 78 consecutive days)

Game 3
BOS: CF M. Avila – SS Spataro – LF W. Vega – 1B Uliasz – C Lessman – RF M. Walker – 3B T. Johnson – 2B R. West – P Wingo
POR: RF Ferrero – CF Reichardt – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – C Garcia – 3B Perkins – 2B Stalker – SS Hawkins – P Sabre

The Critters had the leadoff man on a couple of times in the early going. Noel Ferrero landed his first base knock as a Furball with a single in the bottom 1st, but was doubled up by Reichardt. Zitzner and Garcia drew leadoff walks in the second, but Perkins hit into a double play and Stalker flew out to center, and nobody scored as per usual. Meanwhile Sabre coolly and calmly retired the first 11 Titans he faced before walking Vega in the fourth. Vega stole second, but was left on when Uliasz flew out to center. Not a lot of hitting going on here! Well, Mark Walker hit a single in the fifth, but that was also it again for the offense.

To say that offense was at a premium for either team was maybe an understatement. Spataro’s soft 2-out single between Perkins and Hawkins was only the third base hit of the game in total, and it came in the top of the sixth. Vega grounded out to the mound to end that inning. Reichardt hit a 2-out single in our half of the sixth, but Wallace fell asleep in a hit-and-run and Reichardt was thrown out at second base to end the frame. Wallace led off the following inning with a leadoff single, and the Coons immediately sprung a pinch-runner from the dugout, Pinkerton. Zitzner grounded out, Garcia was walked intentionally, and Perkins and Stalker… both grounded out. Scoreless through seven, Sabre pissed the game away in the eighth. Edgar Gonzalez hit a leadoff single from the #7 spot, and he took Rhett West’s comebacker to second base, but not in time. Two on, no outs, Sabre was sent packing for Anaya once the right-handed pinch-hitter Roberto Avila was announced. He WALKED him, loading the bases, causing me the greatest pains, especially in my throat, from all the screaming, and in my forehead, from banging it against the wall so hard and so often that Maud looked in on me with great concern a couple of times. Then Moises Avila popped out in foul ground, Spataro popped out to Pinkerton in the very shallow outfield regions, and suddenly we had a chance. With Vega up, Garavito replaced Anaya, gave up an RBI single to the leftfielder, and a 2-run single to Uliasz, and with that I slumped face down into a pillow on the brown couch, or maybe it was Slappy’s crotch, I can’t remember, but it was soft and comforting and I didn’t have to see this on-field embarrassment anymore. 3-0 Titans. Ferrero 2-4, 2B; Sabre 7.0 IP, 3 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 BB, 5 K, L (0-1);

(calmly reads from the stats on the display competently held by Cristiano Carmona) That would be Perkins 0-for-10. Stalker 0-for-8. Garcia 0-for-9. Ferrero 1-for-9. Wallace 1-for-9. In short, we have TWO hitters with clips better than .200; that would be Ferrero (2-for-9) and Zitzner (3-for-11).

(hollers at the mascot balancing a baseball on his nose in the corner) Chad, stop it!! – No! Wait! Come back! – Can you hold a bat? – (Chad makes an “alright, let’s get on it” fist bump)

Raccoons (0-3) vs. Condors (2-2) – April 8-10, 2033

There was nothing good to report about the Raccoons. The Condors had scored 20 runs in their split with the Baybirds, but had also given up 21, so maybe we could find an opening for our first marker on the board since Jimmy Wallace’s sac fly on Monday… The Condors are probably not in the mood for games; we memorably won the season series from them last year, 6-3, which was really against all odds.

Projected matchups:
Rico Gutierrez (0-0) vs. Steve Gowan (0-0)
Andy Palomares (0-0) vs. Jeff Little (0-0, 9.00 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (0-1, 4.76 ERA) vs. Josh Irwin (0-1, 3.86 ERA)

With Gowan and Little we will face four left-handers in our first five games.

Game 1
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – SS C. Miller – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – 1B McGrath – C J. Wood – LF Sung – 2B Hansen – P Gowan
POR: RF Ferrero – CF Reichardt – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – 3B Perkins – SS Stalker – C Thompson – 2B Marsingill – P Gutierrez

The Condors scored three before Rico Gutierrez logged an out. Sending me to dissolving a few anti-diarrhea and wonder hair-growth pills in my booze was the nice sequence of walk, stolen base, RBI single, single, wild pitch, 2-run single, before Kevin McGrath hit into a double play to erase the insufferable Shane Sanks, too. John Hansen clanked a homer off the left foul pole in the second to run the tally to 4-0, but then the Coons loaded the bases in the bottom of the inning. Tim Stalker shook off the season-long oh-fer with a single to left, Thompson got nailed, and Marsingill dropped a soft one to Yeong-ha Sung’s feet. That brought up … Rico Gutierrez with one out. A terrible pitcher that was also a terrible hitter. And the Raccoons didn’t make a move right here, because it was Opening Week and not exactly Game 7 of the World Series… Everybody moved up a base on Gutierrez’ groundout, which gave him an RBI and allowed him to tie for the team lead in ribbies… (looks like he’s definitely ready to cry if Ferrero doesn’t plate two instantly here) …and then Ferrero grounded out to the skunk weasel at third base. Lo and behold, Portland got a second run in the bottom 3rd, Perkins doubling home Zitzner in a 2-out rally, at least until Stalker fanned on three pitches. It was 4-2 after three.

The tying runs were on with nobody down in the fourth after Gowan walked the 7-8 hitters on base. Gutierrez bunted terribly, getting Thompson forced out and keeping the tying run – now himself – at first base. Ferrero reached on Gowan’s clumsy error on what would have been at least one out on a pathetic grounder, loading the sacks for Reichardt, who owned a couple o’ hundred RBI against the Raccoons and should now please start to make it up to us. He got to 3-1 against the wavering Gowan, then poked the ball to left, but JUST past the lunging Sanks for an RBI single, inching the Critters closer, 4-3. Wallace laid off ball four in the dirt to push in the tying run and to become the first Critter with multiple RBI on the season. And then the remainder of the stupid first base platoon from last year zitzed a grounder into a 6-4-3 inning-ender…

But they took the lead the next inning. Gowan disintegrated for straight singles to by the 5-6-7 hitters to begin the bottom 5th, with Elliott Thompson singling home Perkins to take the lead. Marsingill beat Chris Murphy for an RBI double in center, and with Gowan gone, the Critters got one more run on a Ferrero groundout to establish a 7-4 edge. Gutierrez was still in the game, but the pe was stirring as the sixth began, ready to enter at the slightest provocation, and he was on 89 pitches anyway. Singles by Kevin McGrath and Sung brought on Ed Blair, who got a fly to deep right from Hansen that Ferrero thankfully caught. A lefty pinch-hitter in Bobby Fernandez in the #9 hole brought in Garavito after only one batter. Fernandez struck out in a full count, stranding the runners. Garavito was good for another inning, and Anaya handled the eighth, which also saw Jennings double in Ferrero’s spot before scoring on a Reichardt single. David Fernandez got the ninth, but put Hansen and Murphy on base; the Critters could not wait for good times to occur naturally, they had to go to Chris Wise. Their closer had pitched a garbage inning in the Titans series, but now got the final out from Chris Miller in groundout fashion for his first save of the year. 8-4 Furballs. Jennings (PH) 1-1, 2B; Reichardt 3-5, 2 RBI; Perkins 2-4, 2B, RBI; Stalker 2-4; Thompson 1-2, BB, RBI; Marsingill 2-3, BB, 2B, RBI;

A win…! A win…! Yaaay …!! (runs around the offices, screaming)

Game 2
TIJ: LF C. Murphy – SS C. Miller – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – 1B McGrath – C J. Wood – CF Sung – 2B Hughes – P Little
POR: SS Ramos – CF Reichardt – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – C Garcia – 3B Perkins – RF Ferrero – 2B Stalker – P Palomares

Three pitches by Palomares yielded two singles by the Chrises atop the Condors’ order, and Ojeda’s sac fly gave them their only first-inning run before the skunk weasel popped out and McGrath fanned. Portland flipped the score in the bottom 1st; Ramos drew a leadoff walk, but was forced out by Reichardt. After a K to Jimmy Wallace, both Zitzner and Garcia hit RBI doubles off the fence to put the Coons up 2-1 before Perkins grounded out to short. Before long, though, the Condors found extra-base heaven in leftfield. Little (!) and Miller hit extra-base hits around Wallace’s pointed hairy ears in the top 3rd, which tied the game, and Palomares gave them the lead back when he balked Miller across with two outs. And that was not the only leadoff double that Jeff Little hit in this game – he did it AGAIN in the fifth, then was scored by Willie Ojeda’s 2-out single, 4-2 Condors…!

The Condors kept riffing off extra-base hits; in the seventh a Chris Miller double knocked out Palomares after six and a third of nothing great at all, and while Bates rung up Ojeda, Sanks extended the lead to 5-2 with an RBI double past Wallace (where else?). The Raccoons had not done anything of value in the meantime, twice putting a pair on only to immediately hit into a double play, Ferrero and Perkins being the culprits. Preston Pinkerton ripped a pinch-hit double to knock out Little in the bottom 7th, but Ramos and Reichardt couldn’t get him across against Ethan Jordan. Bottom 8th, Jose Ornelas walked both Zitzner and Garcia… and then got a double play from Perkins to end the inning. Nope, this was not our game. 5-2 Condors. Zitzner 1-2, 2 BB, 2B; Garcia 3-3, BB, 2B, 2 RBI; Stalker 1-2, BB; Pinkerton (PH) 1-1, BB, 2B;

It will remain good tradition on this team that everybody gets at least one start during the first week of the season, if at all possible. The only position player that didn’t get the nod into the lineup so far was Preston Pinkerton, so we’d give Reichardt a day off on Sunday. Stalker and Zitzner would also not be in the lineup, leaving only Perkins and Wallace with six lineup assignments to begin the season.

Game 3
TIJ: LF C. Murphy – SS C. Miller – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – 1B McGrath – C J. Wood – CF Camps – 2B Hughes – P Irwin
POR: SS Ramos – RF Jennings – LF Wallace – 1B Ferrero – 3B Perkins – 2B Hawkins – C Thompson – CF Pinkerton – P Chavez

Pinkerton’s sac fly plated Hawkins from third base for the first run of the game, the first time all year (…) that the Coons had gone up 1-0 in a game! Hawkins and Thompson had parked on the corners with a pair of hits with one down; Chavez flew out easily to Ojeda to end the inning, but at that point at least had rung up four Condors already, including everybody in the top of the first. That didn’t keep the disgusting skunk weasel from homering the game tied in the fourth though…

Leadoff singles put Perkins and Hawkins on the corners with nobody out in the bottom 4th, but also brought up the weak bottom of the order… although, frankly, none in the top 5 was hitting better than .200 at this stage, either. It took two attempts at outfield flies to get Perkins home from third, so Pinkerton was now oh-fer-zip with 2 RBI in a 2-1 game, and Chavez again made the final out. On to the fifth, the singles continued to fall in. Jennings and Wallace went to the corners with a pair of them, and with one down Noel Ferrero hit a sac fly to center. Whatever works, boys! A crucial spot in the 3-1 game arrived in the sixth inning. Miller had singled with one out, but had been forced out on an Ojeda grounder (in a 3-0 count). Chavez nailed Sanks with two outs (better than a bomb, I say!) then carved up McGrath with breaking pitches to get to 1-2 before blowing him away up high. THAT’S WHERE I LIKE IT!!

Bernie lasted seven innings on 100 pitches sharp, walking Andy Hughes with two outs in the last frame before getting a pop to himself from PH Ken Hess, maintaining a 3-1 lead throughout. His spot was also leading off in the bottom 7th, with Tim Stalker grabbing a stick on his behalf and drawing a leadoff walk against Josh Heckman. Ramos and Jennings made poor outs before Heckman left with an injury, and when the Condors replaced him with another lefty in Juan Garcia, the Critters sent Zitzner to bat for Wallace… but Stalker was picked off to end the inning. Stalker and Zitzner remained in the game (with Ferrero to left) to shore up the old D while Fernandez entered to face the top of the order. He faced three, walked them all, and I consigned myself to more drinking while Ed Blair jogged in from the pen. But Blair battled through; Ferrero made a catch in deep left on Sanks for a sac fly (but Wallace doesn’t get that one at all…), Blair rung up a lost-looking McGrath, and Pinkerton casually handled Jimmy Wood’s fly, keeping Portland 3-2 ahead. Back at the plate, Zitzner led off the bottom 8th with a jack to right, the Coons’ first homer of the season (moans), and at least Wise would see the bottom of the order in the ninth. Juan Camps grounded right into Wise’s pocket, and Hughes popped out to Jennings in shallow right. Sung pinch-hit in the #9 hole, grounded out to Stalker, and the Condors had dropped their fourth straight set to the Coons. 4-2 Furballs! Wallace 2-2, BB; Zitzner (PH) 1-1, HR, RBI; Hawkins 2-3, 2B; Pinkerton 0-1, 2 BB; Chavez 7.0 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 9 K, W (1-1);

In other news

April 4 – Warriors SP Pat Okrasinski (1-0, 0.00 ERA) enters the record books by no-hitting the Wolves on Opening Day, and with 12 strikeouts to boot. The only Wolves baserunner is OF/1B Rai Higashi (.000, 0 HR, 0 RBI), who is hit by an Okrasinski pitch. This is the 62nd no-hitter in ABL history and only the second for the Warriors after Juan Muniz no-hit the Blue Sox in ’29.
April 6 – IND SP David Saccoccio (0-1, 7.71 ERA) will miss a month with elbow soreness.
April 10 – Recurring elbow soreness will cost SFW CL Gilberto Castillo (0-0, 0.00 ERA, 1 SV) the first half of the 2033 season.

Complaints and stuff

Speaking of Opening Day no-hitters…

The Coons were the only team to go 0-3. The Titans, who held them to one hit in the opening series, then were also slaughtered to the tune of TWENTY-SEVEN by the Knights, so they were by no means impossible to score upon… On the other hand we keep owning the Condors, a 100-win team for several recent seasons, so that’s that.

Our offense has of course been nothing short of … there is probably no word Maud will let me say without making me wash my mouth with soap. This much – among qualifying batters (which is a wonky stat this early), Zitzner leads all Critters with a .278 mark, followed by Reichardt’s .227, and that’s that for non-Interstate batting averages. Nobody has even 3 RBI. On the other hand, each of our three young pitchers had a good outing already. Yes, they all three have a loss already, but it wasn’t all their own fault, either…

Oh and by the way, we’ll be in Atlanta to begin the next week, y’know, that team that scored TWENTY-SEVEN times as many runs against the Titans as we did…

Fun Fact: Pat Okrasinski’s no-hitter is the first to occur on Opening Day, but not the earliest in a calendar year that a pitcher has no-hit the opposition. Dan George no-hit the Crusaders on April 3, 1996.

George was a 23-year-old third-year player then. He had a very decent career, lasting 18 seasons for the Indians and Buffaloes, and piling up 218 wins against 186 losses and a 3.71 ERA, also 2,516 strikeouts. He was a 3-time All Star, but only twice led a triple crown category (leading the FL in wins in 2002 and 2004), and never won a bigger award. He got no Hall of Fame consideration in 2016, dropping off the first ballot.

…but if you add in that 1996 was a leap year, it was actually the same number of day in the year, just by another name…! We (points to the crew with Chad wearing the costume with a red-and-yellow “thinker cap” with a propeller, Cristiano typing eagerly on the laptop, Maud knitting a sweater with a big orange “?” on the front, and Slappy tending to a beer) will be puzzling about this one for a while.