[Westheim]

Raccoons (2-4) @ Bayhawks (3-3) – April 10-12, 2034

Not only the Raccoons had not hit for any lick worth cleaning up afterwards in the opening week; the Bayhawks had scored two runs fewer even, but had won a game more, despite giving up as many runs. Last year we won six games from them after making off winners only once in 2032 when facing San Francisco.

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (0-1, 7.20 ERA) vs. Ben Lipsky (1-0, 3.38 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (1-0, 2.57 ERA) vs. Josh Walsh (0-1, 7.71 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (0-0, 2.70 ERA) vs. Steve Younts (0-1, 6.23 ERA)

Only right-handed starters to be found in this series!

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – RF Jennings – C Scheffer – P Chavez
SFB: CF Cassell – 3B D. Myers – RF Suhay – 1B Levis – 2B J. Cruz – LF Hawthorne – C M. Thompson – SS A. Castillo – P Lipsky

The Raccoons actually didn’t start the game asleep; Zeltser reached base, Zitzner hit a blast, and it was 2-0 before the opposing team could have a poke. When they had a poke, they got Ryan Cassell on base with a leadoff walk in the first, and Mike Thompson in the third with a single. Both were double-played into oblivion by the following batters, Dave Myers and Alex Castillo, respectively. The first Bayhawk to reach and not disappear into thin air after doing so was Ben Suhay, walking with two outs in the fourth. He was stranded when Bernie whiffed Doug Levis, his fourth K in the game. Jose Cruz hit a leadoff single past Zeltser in the fifth, but was doubled off by George Hawthorne’s grounder to short. All was well – for once, the other manager had to bite into his desk.

At least through five that was; the Raccoons stopped hitting altogether once they had the lead, and managed only four hits through six innings. The bottom 6th saw John Dupuis hit for Lipsky and singled up the middle with one out. Cassell singled, and Myers walked. Suddenly the bags were full when San Francisco hadn’t previously made it to second base. Suhay was up, who was also good for a strikeout, but poked and popped out at 1-1. That was the second out; the third would be Cruz though. In between Doug Levis floated a ball to shallow left, Jimmy Wallace got nowhere close, and two runs scored to tie the game. Portland would have the first two batters on in the top 7th thanks to a throwing error by Mike Thompson, who fired away a Tim Stalker grounder for a 2-base error, which led to an intentional free pass to Billy Jennings, pulling up hitless Philip Scheffer. Portland called a bunt, planning to hit for Chavez after that. This worked – Scheffer got the runners over, and Adrian Reichardt singled to center to plate the pair, 4-2, before Ramos and Zeltser grounded out to end the top 7th. Ed Blair took over pitching duties, but came apart instantly, surrendering hits to Hawthorne, Castillo, and Justin Uliasz. That scored a run, got the tying run to second, and the go-ahead run to first. A move to David Fernandez brought no relief. Myers grounded out, but then Myers hit a 2-out, 0-2 single to left to flip the score, and Fernandez filled the bags with walks to Suhay and Levis. Anaya replaced him and got Cruz to pop out foul, but the damage was done. That was the only out Anaya logged, because his spot came up in the Baybirds’ own meltdown in the top 8th. Wallace walked, Stalker tripled him home to tie the game with two outs, and then Jay Schimek walked the bags full. Hawkins batted for Anaya, but grounded out to short, stranding three AGAIN. Bottom 8th, enter John Hennessy, and the rabid ****show continued. He walked Hawthorne to begin the inning, Thompson reached on a Zeltser throwing error, and then Castillo hit a homer to left. That one sealed the deal for good. 8-5 Bayhawks. Jennings 1-2, 2 BB; Reichardt (PH) 1-1, 2 RBI;

Good lord.

Also, Berto had another 0-for-5 with 2 K and is now batting under .200 again. Well, last time he did that he won the batting title, so all is well. Never mind we’re in last place.

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – 2B Stalker – RF Jennings – CF Reichardt – C E. Thompson – P Sabre
SFB: CF Cassell – 3B D. Myers – RF Suhay – 1B Levis – 2B J. Cruz – LF Hawthorne – C Umanzor – SS A. Castillo – P Walsh

Nobody found home plate for a long time on Tuesday, which was not a surprise as far as the Coons were concerned, but Sabre held the Bayhawks to one hit and a as many walks through four innings. Granted, Ben Suhay twice flew out to Jennings at the fence with a guy on base, but that didn’t give them any emotional support runs either. It did become a 1-0 game in the fifth on the strength of an Eduardo Umanzor homer to left. Now, I accepted 2-6 fate at that point, but the Critters actually tumbled their way into a 2-out rally for a tying run in the top of the sixth inning. Zeltser, Wallace, and Zitzner reached in order, with the latter singling home the first. Stalker then hit a gapper, but it was spectacularly caught by George Hawthorne, robbing the Critters of extra bases and run(s). Sabre would end up throwing 115 pitches, but that only got him through 6 1/3 innings. Somehow he only allowed six runners and struck out four, but he still threw a million balls in but little time… The Coons offense didn’t even get that far. Even though Jennings and Reichardt reached base against Jimmy Lohrey in the top of the ninth, with nobody out, Thompson, Manny Fernandez, and Ramos made three piss poor outs to strand them in scoring position, which was still nothing compared to the appalling display in the bottom of the ninth inning. Garavito was on, allowed a leadoff single to Jose Cruz, and then threw two wild pitches that the alleged defensive shortstop behind the goddamn dish couldn’t contain, one to Hawthorne, and one to Umanzor, who ultimately ended the game with a sac fly to center. 2-1 Bayhawks. Wallace 2-4; Zitzner 2-4, RBI; Reichardt 2-4; Anaya 1.2 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

The good thing is that the team plays so bad that I am reasonably confident that this is all a really terrible dream. I must have hit my head really, really bad and suffered severe trauma.

I will make up any moment.

Any moment.

Maybe now?

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF M. Fernandez – RF Salgado – C E. Thompson – 2B Marsingill – P del Rio
SFB: CF Cassell – 3B D. Myers – RF Suhay – 1B Levis – 2B J. Cruz – LF Hawthorne – C Umanzor – SS A. Castillo – P Younts

Two walks, two singles, two runs – the Raccoons were ON FIRE in the first inning. Ramos and Zeltser reached via balls, and Wallace and Fernandez hit balls for RBI singles. Before long, however, Umanzor struck again and plated a run with a groundout in the bottom 2nd. Cruz and Hawthorne had reached earlier on a base hit and a walk. The Critters would walk Alex Castillo with intent and two outs to get Younts up, and he almost hit an RBI single to right, which would have tied the game. Hugo Salgado made the running catch. No, no, the comeback would be more spectacular than that – after Dave Myers hit a 1-out single to center in the bottom 3rd, del Rio, the ****ing asshole, walked four of the next five batters, all in full counts, to push the tying and go-ahead runs across for San Francisco, WHILE exploding his ****ing pitch count, too.

At least some of the Critters were still stirring from time to time. Ramos was unretired through four, drawing a 2-out walk and stealing second base before Zeltser hit a ball over the fence outright, giving Portland a 4-3 lead. However, del Rio had retired his last batter when Alex Castillo had popped out to end the bottom of the third. Younts hit a leadoff single in the bottom 4th, and Cassell crashed a huge-ass homer, 5-4 San Fran. When del Rio issued his sixth walk to Myers, he was yanked. I enquired a Bayhawks attendee whether he could give me a block of soap. While he looked confused, I assured him I needed only the soap. I had a sock myself.

And because everything in the whole world was **** and broken, Antonio Prieto-sponsored long relief didn’t come to be either, with rain chasing him after six outs and 25 pitches. It rained it’s ****ing ass off for over an hour to a point where we’d have preferred for the game to be called early, but it wasn’t. And while the miserable Critters even tied the game in the seventh on a Salgado sac fly that got Jimmy Wallace across, the bullpen, that had already been horrendously abused for several days in a row, completely collapsed under its own weight in the eighth inning. Hennessy was back in, and was exactly the same sort of ****show as on Monday. Leadoff walk to Castillo, an infield single by the ****head Dupuis, who was 3-for-3 in the series, and then a roaring homer to left by Ryan Cassell. It was even the same result – although that didn’t become final until after Lohrey allowed a Fernandez single, and Salgado walk, and struck out Thompson as the tying run to end the ninth inning… 8-5 Bayhawks. Ramos 2-3, 2 BB; Wallace 2-5, RBI; M. Fernandez 3-5, 2B, RBI; Prieto 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 2 K; D. Fernandez 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 2 K;

Raccoons (2-7) @ Indians (4-4) – April 13-16, 2034

The Indians had trouble scoring three runs per game and were the worst bunch overall in terms of offense. They had allowed the sixth-fewest runs, but that still gave them a rather concerning -14 run differential at the current point in time. But I guess that’s what we were coming in for. Last year’s season series had ended 10-8 in their favor.

Projected matchups:
Pat Okrasinski (0-1, 7.94 ERA) vs. Victor Govea (0-0, 0.00 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (0-1, 3.97 ERA) vs. Andy Bressner (2-0, 1.17 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (0-1, 4.91 ERA) vs. Jose Lerma (1-1, 7.30 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (1-0, 2.02 ERA) vs. Sal Bedoya (1-0, 1.13 ERA)

Lerma would be the only southpaw on offer this week… although Govea’s start was up in the air until almost game time. He had left his first outing of the year in the first inning and had since been out with back spasms. He was still listed as day-to-day on Thursday morning… and didn’t start. Bressner was tasked with going on short rest, but we could expect Govea at some point during the weekend.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF M. Fernandez – RF Jennings – 3B Hawkins – C Scheffer – P Okrasinski
IND: LF Acor – 2B Schneller – CF Baron – RF Plunkett – 1B Barber – 3B Hansen – C Kuhlmann – SS DiGiacomo – P Bressner

The Portland Weaknuts had only two base hits through five innings, one of which was a Stalker single that led to him getting a chance – and executing it well – to be caught stealing. The other however was a Zitzner double leading off the second. He advanced on a grounder and scored … on a wild pitch. That was the only run in the game through five, with Okrasinski allowing four base hits, a walk, but no runs thanks to two double plays turned behind him. John Baron hit a 1-out single in the bottom 6th, and somehow the lead survived a scorched line driven right into Ramos’ mitten, socked by Mike Plunkett, as well as a deep fly to left hit by Matt Barber. Wallace played his weekly “I will catch this ball” card and did so. The Coons didn’t reach base again until Zitzner legged out an infield single with two outs in the seventh. Fernandez singled up the middle, and Jennings got a ball over Barber and past Mike Plunkett for an RBI double… but Fernandez was also sent around third base and thrown out at home after Plunkett had gotten a favorable bounce off the wall in right and had unleashed a hell of a throw. Okrasinski still held up with a 2-0 lead and batted with Hawkins and Scheffer reaching the corners with leadoff singles. He grounded out, with Hawkins remaining pinned at third base, but Scheffer moved up at least. Berto walked onto the open base, presenting Stalker with three on and one out. He hit a sac fly on the first pitch, but Wallace grounded out and more runners were senselessly stranded. But Okrasinski held up through eight, which was all he would be asked to do, while Bressner was even sent into the ninth (not that he had thrown more than 90 pitches through eight…). He did not retire anybody, however. Zitzner singled, Fernandez doubled, and Jennings was walked intentionally, giving Portland three on, no outs, and Tim Thweatt to try to sweep the sludge. Zeltser hit for Hawkins and popped out. Scheffer ran a full count before poking… and dropped a ball in front of John Baron for a 2-run single, extending the lead to five. Reichardt and Ramos both made the last two outs. Chris Wise, unemployed for all of a 5-game losing streak, put the game away without being the daily implosion. 5-0 Coons. Zitzner 3-4, 2B; M. Fernandez 2-4, 2B; Scheffer 2-4, 2 RBI; Okrasinski 8.0 IP, 5 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 3 K, W (1-1);

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – RF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – CF Reichardt – C Thompson – P Rendon
IND: LF Acor – 2B Schneller – CF Baron – C J. Herrera – RF Plunkett – 1B Barber – 3B Hansen – SS DiGiacomo – P Govea

The game began with a Berto double into the leftfield corner and progressed through a Zeltser groundout and pop outs by Wallace and Zitzner that left him stranded at third base. In the bottom end of the first, Rendon retired the first two before allowing a single to Baron and clipping Herrera and Plunkett on consecutive pitches. Barber struck out trying to hit a slam, which was so comforting… Indy still took the lead in the second thanks to a John Hansen leadoff walk and 2-out singles by Dustin Acor and Dan Schneller…

Berto was the only Critters position player to reach base until the fifth inning. Now this sounded worse than it was because both him and Rendon had two base hits by then, including back-to-back doubles to tie the game in the third. Rendon singled, Ramos walked, and Zeltser also walked to fill the bases with two down in the top 5th then, but Jimmy Wallace fell to 0-2 against Govea… before slushing a 2-run single over the head of Joe DiGiacomo. Zitzner popped to first base, Barber dropped the ball, and the bases refilled on the stupid error, allowing Manny Fernandez to hit another sharp 2-run single. Stalker also singled, but Reichardt grounded out to DiGiacomo to end the inning whilst stranding a full set, but at least we had scored a 4-spot and were now up by as many with Rendon LOOKING reasonably good…! Of course, Rendon’s very next pitch was belched over the fence by Acor, so it was 5-2 right away. Rendon rebounded and retired eight of the next nine, and the one he missed – walking PH Dan Brown – was doubled up by Acor to end the bottom 7th. Schneller hit a leadoff single in the eighth, but also got doubled up, and that put Rendon through eight on exactly 100 pitches. Jennings hit for him in the ninth to no great effect, although Ramos and Zeltser reached with two outs against Lance Legleiter, but the former Coon kept the distance at three runs when Wallace flew out to right. Chris Wise allowed two singles to Plunkett and Hansen before getting a double play to end the game from DiGiacomo. 5-2 Coons. Ramos 3-4, BB, 2 2B, RBI; Rendon 8.0 IP, 5 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 1 BB, 6 K, W (1-1) and 2-3;

Gimme hope, Alberto, gimme… hope, Alberto…

Game 3
POR: SS Zeltser – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF Reichardt – RF Salgado – 3B Hawkins – C Scheffer – P Chavez
IND: LF Acor – 2B Schneller – CF Baron – RF Plunkett – 1B Barber – 3B Hansen – C Kuhlmann – SS DiGiacomo – P Lerma

Portland made it 1-0 in the first when Zitz chased home Zelts with a double, but Acor homered on a 1-2 pitch to begin Chavez’ undoubtedly again grim day. In fact he lasted two outs before leaving with a ****ing blister on his finger, which prompted me banging on Dr. Chung’s visiting physician’s quarters demanding amputation of the offending appendage. It wasn’t like he’d pitch well WITH it, either! Dr. Chung was open to the idea and suggested to consult literature, although I had the sneaking suspicion that he only said so to pacify me.

By the time I got back to watching the game it was in the top of the fifth with Victor Anaya having given his utmost to grab a loss, whiffing himself with two on in the top 2nd, but allowing a crucial 2-out single to Lerma in the bottom 2nd, the middle knock in a 2-out string of single, single, 2-run double with which Dustin Acor continued to grind holes into the Raccoons’ very fabric and by extension my tortured soul. Acor hit a single off Garavito to begin the bottom 5th and scored on not one, but TWO throwing errors, one by the hurler and another one by Jimmy Wallace, who only didn’t commit MORE throwing errors because he didn’t ****ing get to many balls to begin with…

Things looked dire until they didn’t – by the seventh it was a new ballgame. Jose Lerma blew a 4-1 lead by allowing a single to Salgado, who stole second, an RBI single to Scheffer, and a Manny Fernandez homer out of the #9 hole where he had been inserted in a double switch. That got the teams even at four… at least until Dan Schneller hit a 2-out, 2-strike homer off Prieto in the youngster’s second inning of work. Both teams stranded a pair in the eighth inning, while neither deserved to get on two runners in the first place; DiGiacomo allowed Justin Marsingill on with an error, and Morgan Kuhlmann reached on an uncaught third strike. Seriously – catcher defense! Where was it!? Top 9th, Scheffer also made the first out against Thweatt before Fernandez and Zeltser ripped back-to-back doubles … which tied the game at five. Things continued like glue… Stalker walked in a full count, Wallace popped out, and Zitzner also walked in a full count. Three on, two outs for PH Elliott Thompson, hitting for Hennessy – Ramos had already been burned much earlier and Jennings was the only other option left on the bench. Neither of them was hitting well. Neither of them HAD to hit well because the unravelling Thweatt plated the go-ahead run, carried by Zelts, with a wild pitch. After that, Thompson was walked, and Lance Legleiter came on to face Salgado. Well, don’t mind if we do! Jennings grabbed the stick, ran another full count, and drew the bases-loaded walk, pushing home Stalker. Hawkins dropped an RBI single before Scheffer popped out to end the inning. The 3-run lead would go to Ed Blair, since Wise had been out two days in row and was not in any sort of rhythm so far. Pat Green grounded out to Hawkins, Acor popped out to Stalker, Schneller singled to left, but Baron flew out to Fernandez in center, giving the Critters three in a row. 8-5 Raccoons! Zeltser 2-5, 2 2B, RBI; Zitzner 2-4, BB, 2B, RBI; Jennings (PH) 0-0, BB, RBI; Hawkins 2-5, RBI; Scheffer 2-5, 2B, RBI; M. Fernandez 2-2, HR, 2B, 2 RBI;

John Hennessy got the win, his third decision of the week and the first one that was worth earning.

We also clambered out of last place, now ahead of the pair of 4-7 teams from Indy and New York.

Game 4
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – RF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – CF Reichardt – C Thompson – P Sabre
IND: LF Acor – 2B Schneller – CF Baron – C J. Herrera – RF Plunkett – 1B Barber – 3B Hansen – SS DiGiacomo – P Bedoya

To start this game, in their bid for a sweep, the Coons loaded the bases on three increasingly soft singles without making an out. They would get two runs; one on Zitzner’s run-scoring 6-4-3 double play (…!), and another one when Manny Fernandez singled to tie him for the team lead in RBI with a paltry, pasty six. Stalker grounded out, and while Sabre retired the first two batters in the bottom 1st he got then ****ed for six straight base runners with two outs and four runs before Bedoya grounded out to Zeltser to strand two. And I am not sure what was worse afterwards – that Sabre spun the next four innings almost flawlessly or that he fell into another ****ing 2-out trapdoor in the sixth where the Indians stripped him down for four straight 2-out runners, and mostly with the bottom of the order, too? OR… that the offense did NOTHING. Between Sabre’s first shellacking and his final dismissal, the rancid Raccoons amounted to ONE base hit. Accordingly, they were down 6-2 after six innings, which was a number of hits they’d never reach. They were retired in order after Sabre’s removal. 6-2 Indians.

In other news

April 10 – TIJ OF/1B Bobby Fernandez (.219, 1 HR, 10 RBI) socks it to the Indians, plating six runs on three hits while falling a double short of the cycle in the Condors’ 12-3 victory.
April 10 – Only two innings into his starting debut in the league, Oklahoma City sophomore Michael Donovan (0-0, 0.00 ERA) tears elbow ligaments and will miss a full year or longer.
April 12 – TIJ OF/1B Bobby Fernandez (.293, 1 HR, 16 RBI) keeps tearing down Indianapolis and lands four base hits, scores four runs, and drives in four runs in the Condors’ 13-4 romp of the Indians.
April 13 – Walkoff balk! RIC CL Jared Stone (0-1, 3.38 ERA, 1 SV) commits an illegal twitch with Capitals all over the bases, and when he’s called out for it Washington’s C Chris Came (.333, 0 HR, 0 RBI) is awarded home plate, giving the Capitals a 4-3 walkoff win.
April 13 – BOS SS Keith Spataro (.333, 1 HR, 2 RBI) would miss up to six weeks with shoulder tendinitis.
April 13 – The Gold Sox scratch out only one base hit, a single by 3B/2B Adam Corder (.107, 0 HR, 1 RBI) in their 3-1 loss to the Warriors.

Complaints and stuff

The optimist would say that, well, last year the team started 1-4 and played meaningful ball almost all the way to the end, so what if they start 2-7 now. I am not so inclined, but at least we saw incremental progress on the weekend, the odd stupid blister aside. (Bernie Chavez panically tries to hide his throwing paw)

That Indy series result is probably not going to be a fluke. They have hardly any lefty bats, and we have five right-handed starters and enough southpaw relief to counter any meaningful pinch-hitter in a crucial spot. They may not be outright terrible overall, but they are sure at a heavy disadvantage against us. Well, at least unless our starting pitcher of choice manages to not get both his tail and his nose wedged into the same ****ing clubhouse door, ain’t that right, Raffaello??

And don’t get me started on del Rio. Right now I am at odds with all of our starters!

Monday will be off, and we’ll have the Titans and Knights in after that. I also have a looming feeling of getting nagged next week. I should ask Maud whether our dear beloved owner will pop in and if necessary call in deadly sick on Tuesday morning…

Rico Gutierrez, who will turn 35 next month, is still unemployed. He should stay so, would save his winning record (115-106, 3.74 ERA).

Fun Fact: 37 years ago today, Lance Branch of the Pacifics hit for the cycle in a win over the Miners.

That was on April 16, 1997, and thus before the 5-time All Star spent a brief spring and early summer in Portland in ’99. In ’97 he hit .304 with 11 homers and 56 extra-base hits, good enough for an .843 OPS, and that was then a disappointment compared to his previous season: .338, 16 HR, 75 XBH!

Of course when he arrived in Portland he had just hit the big three-oh. We dealt Travis Dean, Day Grandridge, and Ivan Costa for him, and after he had batted .233 with 3 homers in 76 games, we dealt him to Sacramento in July for Mauro Granados and Gary Fifield. Those five are some pile of head scratchers for sure – Granados was a well-travelled first baseman that was then on his last leg and hit one home run for Portland, while Fifield’s main claim to fame is being part of the Year of Five Catchers. Grandridge never pitched in the majors after the trade, Dean never reached them, and Ivan Costa never posted a winning record as a starter.

The Scorpions got one more All Star season out of Branch in 2001, but it was too late for him in ’99 despite batting .337 with 9 homers and 22 doubles in the second half. It took him til age 35 to post another line as ****ty as his Portland output. He retired the year after that, a career .294/.392/.453 hitter with 118 HR and 736 RBI.