[Westheim]

Raccoons (85-64) vs. Bayhawks (76-73) – September 18-20, 2034

Final regular season home series of ’34 – that is the carefully crafted reckless optimism that will leave me destitute and legally insane by Sunday. San Francisco already had no actual hope left, not even by a long shot, and would take their fourth-best offense and sixth-best pitching into an early October vacation. They had whooped the Raccoons five games out of six so far.

Projected matchups:
Raffaello Sabre (10-8, 3.72 ERA) vs. Ben Lipsky (12-9, 3.89 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (11-8, 3.92 ERA) vs. Josh Long (11-16, 3.32 ERA)
Darren Brown (2-1, 2.61 ERA) vs. Jesus Rodarte (7-8, 4.85 ERA)

Rodarte was the sole southpaw coming up here. The Bayhawks had suffered quite a few injuries lately, including outfielders Danny Serrano and Ryan Cassell. In any case, 2033 CL ROTY Doug Levis had missed all but two handfuls of games this year with a shattered elbow.

Game 1
SFB: 2B J. Cruz – 3B D. Myers – RF Suhay – 1B Uliasz – LF Hawthorne – C Allomes – SS A. Castillo – CF Pridgeon – P Lipsky
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF M. Fernandez – C Wall – 2B Sibley – P Sabre

There were 52 homers in the 3-4 spots in the Bayhawks’ lineup, so I feared the worst even with Ben Suhay batting his usual .199 at this point. Suhay did Sabre no harm in the opening half-inning, but Berto doubled, Zeltser singled, and Hugo Salgado dropped a 6-4-3 double play bomb that at least got Ramos home from third base… 1-0 in the bottom 1st, could be worse. The 6-7-8 batters all hit doubles in the bottom 2nd to extend the lead to 3-0, and that was where the scoring just stopped. Both teams would get the odd base runner, but neither team reached third base after the second inning all the way through the seventh inning stretch; in fact Sabre never allowed a runner to reach third base as long as he was in the game, which unfortunately was only seven innings, for which he needed 109 pitches thanks to his general inability to get a quick third strike in an 0-2 count. He only allowed four runners and whiffed five in those perfectly fine seven innings, but it was only SEVEN, and now we had to go back and bother a pen with about 128 losses to their name – just since the All Star Game…

Bottom 7th, however, Adrian Reichardt returned from the DL as pinch-hitter for Sabre. He reached on Dave Myers’ error, was forced out by Berto, but Ramos stole his 48th base and then scored on Zelts’ bloop single to make it 4-0. Nick Bates and Steve Younts were unscored upon for their respective teams in the eighth, after which the Raccoons for the umpteenth time tried to get a pulse with Victor Anaya, and very much didn’t. Myers grounded out, but he walked Suhay and Justin Uliasz for a quick yank. Ed Blair then solicited a ground ball double play from George Hawthorne to end the game. 4-0 Raccoons! Zeltser 2-4, RBI; Sibley 2-4, 2B, RBI; Sabre 7.0 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 5 K, W (11-8);

The Titans and Thunder had an early slugfest (sounds familiar) but Boston held off a late rally to win 9-7, so we remained four games behind.

Tom Hawkins came off the DL for the Tuesday game.

Game 2
SFB: 2B J. Cruz – 3B D. Myers – RF Suhay – 1B Uliasz – LF Hawthorne – C Allomes – SS Elder – CF Pridgeon – P J. Long
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Reichardt – 2B Stalker – 1B Zitzner – C Thompson – P del Rio

Suhay struck … his own team in the naughty spot. In a third inning that was the perfect meltdown in progress for the Raccoons, with Kenny Elder reaching via single and stealing second unmolested, Jose Cruz being hit, and Dave Myers drawing a 2-out walk in a full count, and the bases being loaded, Suhay flailed wildly often enough that del Rio managed to strike him out and leave three on. Instead, the Critters scratched out the game’s first run in the bottom 3rd; Zitzner and Thompson singled, were bunted into scoring position, and Berto’s RBI groundout was all we could get, Zeltser flying out to center. The sole run didn’t hold up; Pridgeon was batting under .200 but kept getting on base in the series, hitting a 1-out single off del Rio, getting bunted over, and Jose Cruz’ grounder eluded Ramos and Stalker for an RBI single up the middle. But the bottom of the inning saw Zitzner and Thompson begin another frame by getting on base, and del Rio bunted them over successfully again. Berto got the run home again, this time singling through Uliasz, Thompson was plated with a Zeltser single to left, Berto boogied to second base, and then came home on Salgado’s single between Suhay and Pridgeon. That 3-spot gave del Rio a lead as big and he kept it maintained through seven, which he also closed out on just over 100 pitches. Also, his spot was up to begin the bottom 7th against lefty Eric Fox. Tom Hawkins batted for del Rio and right away doubled down the line, and an intentional walk to Berto and a Zeltser single filled the bases with nobody out. Salgado fanned and Wallace hit into a double play, nobody scored, and I was filled with a grim sense of foreboding. We went with Wise in the eighth, which somehow resulted in the 1-2-3 batters going down 1-2-3, and after a Tim Stalker double – his 30th of the season – went nowhere in the bottom 8th, Ed Blair was out there again. Uliasz ground out to Stalker (at short after some defensive reshuffling), Hawthorne fanned, and Dylan Allomes was also down 1-2 when Blair blasted him with a high fastball that he flailed at in vain. 4-1 Critters! Ramos 1-2, 2 BB, 2 RBI; Wallace 2-4; Zitzner 3-3, BB; Thompson 1-2, BB; Hawkins (PH) 1-2, 2B; del Rio 7.0 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 5 K, W (12-8);

Even better: Boston lost in 14 against the Thunder. The game went to extras at 3-3 and both teams added another three runs in the 10th. The Thunder, who didn’t an extra-base hit in five hours of baseball, fumbled together enough base runners and good luck to get somebody across in the 14th, and this time the Titans didn’t come back, dropping a 7-6 decision and getting their edge reduced to three games.

And three is where we need them if we want to sweep our way into a tie on the weekend.

(laughs nervously)

Game 3
SFB: SS A. Castillo – 2B Elder – RF Suhay – 1B Uliasz – LF Hawthorne – C Umanzor – 3B I. Russell – CF Pridgeon – P Rodarte
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Hawkins – RF Salgado – LF M. Fernandez – C Wall – CF Reichardt – 1B Zitzner – 2B Vickers – P Brown

Brown struck out four and walked one (Pridgeon…) the first time through in a start that miraculously didn’t turn into an instant disaster. In the fourth, he walked Kenny Elder leading off and surrendered the run (and thus a scoreless tie) with a 2-out double by George Hawthorne, the Baybirds’ first hit on the day, and which, y’know, FINE. Even that Hall of Famer Brown, that… what’s his name? Even that guy occasionally surrendered a base hit as early as the fourth inning! The next inning, Isaiah Russell hit a leadoff single, but was doubled up by Pridgeon, and the Bayhawks remained off the board there. What was much more concerning was the Raccoons’ inability to hit Rodarte in a conclusive manner. Zitzner drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 5th, adding absolutely no speed to the bases, and although Berto singled with two outs, nobody scored thanks to Hawkins grounding out.

Like the other Critter starters, Brown lasted seven on roughly 100 pitches, then was hit for in the bottom 7th. Tim Stalker grabbed a stick in his case and doubled to left-center with one out, moving Zitzner from first to third. Those two carried the tying and go-ahead runs. Berto and Hawkins both grounded to the left side; Russell intercepted Ramos’ grounder and kept the runners pinned, but couldn’t get to Hawkins, which escaped for a 2-out, 2-run single to flip the score. Salgado also singled, but Fernandez grounded out, and the pen had to work a 2-1 lead on this cold and windy Wednesday, and it didn’t work. Kenny Elder got a ball into the wind for a homer off David Fernandez, and then Suhay doubled against Prieto. Uliasz struck out, but Hawthorne pressed a 2-out RBI single through his former teammate Hawkins, and the Baybirds had the damn lead back, 3-2. Eduardo Umanzor walked before Russell flew out to center, stranding a pair. Rodarte got three groundouts to second base in the bottom 8th, Carlos Contreras retired three in a row in his season debut, and then Jimmy Lohrey and his 4.55 ERA were tasked with keeping the Critters from scoring in the bottom of the ninth. Bob Zeltser hit for Rich Vickers and grounded out to first base. Billy Jennings hit for Contreras and looped a single over Russell. And Berto hit a grounder at Castillo for a terminal double play. 3-2 Bayhawks. Salgado 2-4; Stalker (PH) 1-1, 2B; Jennings (PH) 1-1; Brown 7.0 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 3 BB, 6 K;

Berto!? Why!!??

How??

With Boston beating the Thunder, 9-8, on Mark Walker’s walkoff single in the bottom of the 10th, the difference going back to four games, our general lack of ability to beat said Titans, and the damn Elks looming as hardcore spoilers at the very end of the year even IF we managed to survive til the final weekend… then that was a pretty ****ty way to end the home season…

Raccoons (87-65) @ Titans (91-61) – September 22-24, 2034

We lined up our best pitchers following the off day, sending Bernie, Sabre, and del Rio on regular rest each into these three games. The Raccoons had to win all three of them to have a real chance at the postseason, and it wasn’t ****ing likely given that the Titans had already bagged the season series, 10-5, with the Raccoons not winning as much as two consecutive games from them, and losing all five series played this year. Offense had been the Titans’ soft spot this year, with them being merely average, and almost mortal. Their pitching was sterling though, with the rotation and pen both second by ERA, and with them having allowed the fewest runs, just under 3.6 runs per game, and just *3.1* against the miserable Critters…

Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (15-5, 2.63 ERA) vs. Rich Willett (16-11, 3.17 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (11-8, 3.58 ERA) vs. Robby Gonzalez (9-9, 3.40 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (12-8, 3.82 ERA) vs. Adam Potter (11-8, 3.75 ERA)

Those were all righties, but the Titans had also been off on Thursday and thus could easily bring lefty Tony Chavez (13-9, 2.60 ERA) into the series… and they probably should if things got unreasonably tight by Sunday…

(clicks fingers for the attention of a the guy drawing beer behind the bar counter) Something hard, that goes right to the brain, and fast please.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – CF M. Fernandez – 1B Zitzner – 2B Stalker – C Wall – P B. Chavez
BOS: 3B Gil – 1B J. Green – CF M. Avila – LF W. Vega – SS Spataro – 2B D’Angelo – RF Walberg – C R. Avila – P Willett

The Raccoons scratched out an unearned run in the first inning when Josh Green threw the ball away trying to turn two on Zeltser’s grounder, got nobody, and a Salgado grounder and Wallace sac fly brought Berto around. Green however made it up on a solo homer in the bottom 1st, then walked with one down in the bottom 3rd, scoring on a 2-out “double” by Willie Vega that Jimmy Wallace just blatantly ****ing didn’t get to in anything like due time. That gave Boston a 2-1 lead, and one win was all they realistically needed to have 99% odds of making October. And the offense was mostly just dead as far as the Critters were concerned; through five innings they managed three base hits and eight strikeouts against Willett… Chavez struck out four in five innings, hit two Titans in 2-strike counts, and needed 90 pitches to even make it that far.

A K to Salgado made it nine fanned Critters with two outs in the sixth. Wallace singled off Green’s glove on the right side, and Manny got hit with a 1-0 pitch, but it was clearly not revenge, even if only Bad Luck Travis came up. With two down, however, he couldn’t work his black devil magic and hit into a double play, so instead he hit a single past Keith Spataro and plated Wallace to tie the game. Stalker then grounded out to Brian D’Angelo.

Chavez hit a single in the top 7th, which led nowhere, then was yanked in the bottom 7th; Mark Walker opened with a pinch-hit double from Clay Walberg’s spot, but Roberto Avila fanned. Left-handed Jim Young hit for Willett, prompting a move to the pen and Mauricio Garavito, who right away allowed a sharp single to centerfield. It was too sharp though, at least to send Walker from second base. The Titans sent him, Fernandez fired to home plate, and Kurt Wall slapped him OUT!! Rhett West then pinch-hit for Antonio Gil, Portland went to Nick Bates, and Bates allowed an RBI double in the depths of left-center. Wallace was nowhere to be seen, and had probably gone for an ice cream. Three Titans reliever pooled together a scoreless eighth, but Bates walked Moises Avila leading off in the bottom 8th. Pat Sanford hit a 2-out single off David Fernandez, and PH Luis Leija struck out to strand Titans on the corners against Chris Wise, but here was Jermaine Campbell with NINETY strikeouts in 71 innings this season, and we had the soft part of the lineup coming up in the ninth inning, starting with the #8 hole, and PH Billy Jennings. He fanned. Reichardt grounded out. Berto grounded out to Spata- no! ERROR! He threw it away!! Coons get an extra life! Berto to second base and Bob Zeltser is coming to the plate! On the first pitch, he calmly grounded out to second base. 3-2 Titans. Zitzner 3-4, RBI;

Smashing. Smiting. Smothering.

All gone.

It’s all gone.

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – CF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – 2B Stalker – 1B Zitzner – RF Jennings – C Wall – P Sabre
BOS: 3B Gil – 2B R. West – CF M. Avila – LF W. Vega – SS Spataro – RF M. Walker – 1B J. Green – C Sanford – P Potter

A walk to Gil, a balk, a groundout, and Vega’s sac fly gave the Titans a 1-0 lead right in the opening inning. Only Pat Sanford would land a base hit the first time through (and be doubled up on a bad bunt), but the Coons literally did nothing, and the Titans just had to wait for the next stupid move by Sabre, which turned out to be hitting Moises Avila at the start of the bottom 4th. Avila swiped his 27th base, then waited until Mark Walker unloaded his 14th homer, a 450-footer to right that was just demoralizing to see as it went on to invade restricted airspace over Logan International. The entire ballpark went into a bonkers frenzy in a 3-0 game. Ya, ya, I get it, your stupid ****ing team is winning again. Shut the **** up. – No, not you! (waves for the attendant to come back and puts his four empty whisky glasses on the tray) I’ll take another two of those. And with that I mean two times four.

Willie Vega’s leadoff jack axed Sabre in a 4-0 game in the bottom 6th. The Coons had four hits, never got two in the same inning, and hadn’t touched as much as third base. Zitzner hit a 1-out single in the seventh. Berto dropped a 1-out double in the eighth. Neither reached third base. Potter just kept clicking them away and entered the ninth still up 4-0 and on 94 pitches. He ran a full count against Jimmy Wallace, who ended up rolling over to Rhett West. Sibley hit for Stalker and singled to center. Zitzner dropped a ****ty roller near the third base line, but reached base when Pat Sanford flubbed the ball twice. Only that error got Potter out of the game, and Jermaine Campbell reappeared to grimly reap for fluffy Furballs. But first he walked Jennings in a full count. The tying run was now at the plate with one down. Reichardt batted for Kurt Wall and struck out. Hawkins batted for Hennessy… and struck out. 4-0 Titans. M. Fernandez 2-4; Sibley (PH) 1-1;

I am very proud of myself. I didn’t rebel. I didn’t throw any of my 16 glasses at the mascot. I didn’t urinate into a plant in the corner of the bar. I just … (holds onto the counter while shaking) … I’m just a lillll… I’m just … I think I’m gonna lay down here… a- … and… (holds on the counter with a shaking arm) … hummmm … humm- …

(barfs)

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – CF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – RF Houston – 2B Vickers – C Thompson – P del Rio
BOS: 3B Gil – 2B R. West – CF M. Avila – LF W. Vega – SS Spataro – RF M. Walker – 1B J. Green – C J. Young – P R. Gonzalez

Bobby Houston singled and scored in both the second and fourth innings on Sunday. Once Elliott Thompson plated him with a 1-out single, and once del Rio did the honors with a 2-out single. That was mostly all the Coons got from six hits in the first five innings, with del Rio holding the Titans to six hits and one run that came about in the bottom 4th when Moises Avila hit a leadoff triple past Wallace and scored on Vega’s grounder. The Coons were still up 2-1 in the sixth, but in that inning del Rio retired nobody. Moises Avila opened with an 0-2 single through the left side and then del Rio loaded them up with walks to Vega and Spataro. David Fernandez replaced him to see Mark Walker, who hit a single to center on a 2-2 pitch before Josh Green walked on four pitches, bringing, respectively, the tying and go-ahead runs across the plate. Fernandez fanned Young and Gonzalez, and Gil grounded out, but the damage was again ****ing done.

The game was then soon interrupted by a 35-minute rain delay because even the baseball gods couldn’t hold back the tears anymore, bent by laughter and busy patting each other’s backs. Gonzalez still logged three outs from three batters in the seventh. Wyatt Hamill retired the 2-3-4 batters in order in the eighth. With Campbell ostensibly tired from winning and winning and winning, J.D. Hamm was tasked with protection of a 3-2 lead in the ninth. Jennings hit for Zitzner and fanned. Houston grounded out out. Vickers hit a fly to deep left. The fans audibly gasped as Willie Vega raced back in terror, but I had seen enough **** in baseball to never get off my chair. I didn’t move as Vega laid out for a flying catch and slammed headlong onto the warning track before rolling up against the fence, without losing the ball OR breaking his neck. 3-2 Titans. Houston 2-4;

I didn’t move all the way until the Titans wanted to shut out the lights and rounded up a few Raccoons players to carry me to the bus.

In other news

September 19 – Vancouver’s Rookie of the Year candidate Dusty Mezzanotte (.258, 9 HR, 58 RBI) is out for the season and will spend the entire winter recuperating from a broken kneecap.
September 20 – A solo homer by LAP OF Justin Fowler (.286, 17 HR, 46 RBI) provides the only scoring in the Pacifics’ 1-0 win over the Capitals.
September 21 – NAS 2B/SS Billy Bouldin (.321, 2 HR, 76 RBI) drives in six runs from the leadoff spot in a 19-6 shellacking of the Stars. NAS OF Justin Simmons (.291, 6 HR, 72 RBI) joins him with five RBI.
September 21 – A groin strain ends the season of ATL RF/LF Roy Pincus (.281, 24 HR, 89 RBI).
September 22 – DAL INF Jon Ramos (.320, 3 HR, 84 RBI) ends up shelved with a hip flexor tendon injury and will miss the rest of the season.
September 23 – PIT 3B Omar Lastrade (.292, 17 HR, 65 RBI) will watch the rest of the season from the sidelines with a tear in his quad.
September 24 – SAC SP Andy Palomares’ (20-9, 3.53 ERA) season full of wonders ends with shoulder inflammation.
September 24 – WAS Johnny Nelson (11-13, 4.65 ERA) spins a 3-hit shutout against the Buffaloes in a 6-0 Caps win.

Complaints and stuff

My old gym teacher always related that one wisdom to me – “Toute vie doit se terminer, mais la gloire vit pour toujours” – whenever I was semi-conscious on the ground after being hit in the kisser during dodgeball.

Bless him, good old Mr. Poniatovski, who met his demise on a beautiful Sunday afternoon in May, mauled by a runaway beer wagon when its horses bolted.

Fun Fact: The Raccoons went 5-13 against the Titans this season, their worst mark since 2022.

2-16.