[Westheim]

Raccoons (14-18) vs. Buffaloes (11-21) – May 12-14, 2054

The Raccoons began a 13-game homestand on Tuesday, hosting the Buffos in the first meeting between those teams since 2049, when the Coons had lost two of three. Our last series win against Topeka came in 2044. They were struggling, though, sitting ninth in runs scored and bottoms in runs allowed in the FL, giving up just over 5.1 runs per game. Their rotation was especially rancid, but it’s not like I didn’t know a thing or two about that. They ranked fourth in homers in the FL, but that was about as far as goodness reached for them.

Projected matchups:
He Shui (2-3, 3.79 ERA) vs. Chris Ferguson (1-5, 10.38 ERA)
Arthur Pickett (3-0, 3.49 ERA) vs. Troy Ratliff (0-3, 6.32 ERA)
Kyle Brobeck (2-0, 3.86 ERA) vs. Kennedy Adkins (4-3, 1.89 ERA)

Kennedy Adkins was the sole southpaw to expect here, as well as the sole bright spot on this team right now.

Game 1
TOP: 1B G. Cabrera – SS Haney – LF E. Moreno – RF Culp – C McLaren – 3B de los Santos – CF Gough – 2B Roseto – P C. Ferguson
POR: 3B Venegas – SS Lavorano – C Gowin – CF Puckeridge – LF Crum – RF Cox – 2B Waters – 1B Ramsay – P Shui

Of course the Buffos would score first when Shui walked Nate Culp to begin the second and gave up a triple to Alex de los Santos to fall 1-0 behind. John Gough popped out and Nick Roseto struck out to keep the runner on third base, at least. While Shui held the Buffos to that one run on two hits through five innings, it also took the Coons that long to make up the measly run against a guy that came in with a double-digit ERA. Waters drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 5th after the team had scattered four singles perfectly uselessly through four. Shui’s bunt was bad and got Waters forced out at second base, but a wild pitch put Shui in scoring position anyway, from where Venegas scored him with a single near the leftfield line. Venegas stole second, but was stranded when Lonzo popped out. Gowin walked and Crum singled in the bottom 6th, but were stranded, and Ramsay then reached base on a Roseto error to begin the bottom 7th. Shui bunted badly AGAIN, and again Venegas singled, but this time Shui only went first-to-second. The Coons wanted that run, badly, so Mikio Suzuki was sent to pinch-run from here. It was a pointless move; Lonzo whiffed, and Gowin grounded out to de los Santos to end the inning. With Shui gone, the Coons were in their pen, and Antonio Alfaro walked Dave Lee and gave up a single to Gil Cabrera in the eighth before Mark Haney, the former Crusaders, clanked a ball off the fence in right for a 2-out, 2-run double. Two singles and two wild pitches by Alfaro plated another run in the ninth, but it wasn’t like that made the Coons’ mighty ninth-inning rally, which didn’t take place, fall short. 4-1 Buffaloes. Venegas 3-4, RBI; Gowin 2-3, BB; Crum 2-4, 2B; Shui 7.0 IP, 2 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 5 K;

A roster move was made after this game. Dave Blackshire (.209, 0 HR, 3 RBI) was sent to St. Pete. Matt Waters was in a black hole slump, and the Raccoons wanted somebody to competently make a few starts at second base. We were currently training Matt Knight to play there in AAA, but didn’t want him to do that under live fire yet. Thus, the call went to (sigh) Joe “Naughty” Boese, who hit all of .200 with two homers for the Raccoons last year, but hit .269/.372/.358 with one homer in AAA right now.

Also, He Shui got two hours of ******* bunting practice before the game on Wednesday because if you bungle two in a row, you’re in the doghouse.

Game 2
TOP: 1B G. Cabrera – SS Haney – LF E. Moreno – RF Culp – C McLaren – 3B de los Santos – CF McIntyre – 2B Roseto – P Ratliff
POR: 3B Venegas – SS Lavorano – C Gowin – RF Puckeridge – LF Crum – 1B Ramsay – 2B Waters – CF Suzuki – P Pickett

The Buffos’ 2-3-4-5 batters hit four straight singles for a first-inning run off Pickett, but Venegas picked a de los Santos liner, and Will McIntyre grounded out to Lonzo to keep the damage to a minimum. Better than Troy Ratliff’s start – he faced one batter, then left with an injury. He was replaced with left-hander Mike LeMasters, who hit an infield single – not bad for a 37-year-old pitcher… – in the second inning. Haney hit another single, which made six off Pickett so far, but they were left on base.

Waters tied the game with a solo jack in the bottom 3rd, sniffing danger with a second baseman promoted behind his back, but Pickett responded just continued to get done over harder in the fourth. Roseto singled, was bunted over, and scored on a Cabrera double. Cabrera then took off to steal third base, Gowin’s throw skipped past Venegas, and Cabrera scored, 3-1. Eddie Moreno hit a 2-out double in the inning, which marked ten hits for the Buffos in 3.2 innings, and 11 hits total in the game. Nate Culp grounded out to end the top 4th, and Pickett returned for the fifth, but only gave up three more singles to load the bases, at which point I was so enraged I called down to the dugout mid-inning so they’d take ******* Benny Rothman off my ******* hill…

It got so much better after that. Hyun-soo Bak entered, threw one pitch that Nick Roseto walloped over the fence for a grand slam, and it was a 7-1 game with that. 7-2 after a Waters sac fly in the bottom 5th, after Crum and Ramsay had reached the corners with leadoff hits. Crummy, all of them. Jason Terrell got the ball for the sixth, issued a walk, a double, and drilled Roseto out of the game with a fastball, which somehow amounted to only one more run surrendered. Lefty Marcos Rivera in turn nailed Chris Gowin in the bottom 6th, though the Coons were too polite to score. Everybody get in line and get some! Moreno homered off Terrell in the seventh, and the Coons were down 9-2 when they loaded the bases with nobody out against Rivera and ex-Coon Josh Rella in the bottom 8th. The 1-2-3 batters all reached, and Pucks’ groundout and Crum’s single each plated a run, but Ramsay then rambled into a double play.

Terrell was still tossing in the ninth, giving up a leadoff single to Cabrera – the 20th Buffos hit in the game – then fired away a Haney grounder. Eddie Moreno hit into a double play to Lonzo, and Culp struck out as Terrell completed four innings in garbage relief. 9-4 Buffaloes. Crum 2-4, 2B, RBI; Ramsay 2-4; Waters 2-3, HR, 2 RBI;

As if I wasn’t depressed enough, the entire pitching staff after this game marched from the clubhouse to my office, and wouldn’t be stopped by Maud, demanding access to all areas of the ballpark, as well as respect.

We can talk about granting of access, but respect is earned, you mugs!

Game 3
TOP: 1B G. Cabrera – SS Haney – LF E. Moreno – RF Culp – C McLaren – 3B de los Santos – CF Gough – 2B M. Coto – P Adkins
POR: 3B Venegas – SS Lavorano – C Gowin – LF Puckeridge – 1B Crum – RF Cox – 2B Boese – CF Tenazes – P Brobeck

Six straight Buffos reached base after Gil Cabrera struck out to begin Thursday’s game, with a Haney double and Moreno homer making it 2-0 rather fast, but Brobeck walked two and gave up two more hits for another run and having the bags full before being yelled at by the pitching coach, while I was calmly petting Honeypaws with one paw and sniffing on a bottle of varnish I had in the other, wondering whether that could end all my pains. Brobeck after getting **** on struck out Mario Coto and the pitcher Adkins to at least end the damn inning.

Bottom 2nd, Cox walked and Tenazes and Brobeck hit 2-out singles to load the bases for Portland, but Venegas’ liner to center was snatched on the run by John Gough to end the inning. Culp hit a leadoff double and was brought around to score in the third, but the Coons got Lonzo on with a single and then a 2-run homer to left from Chris Gowin, who was still hugging the .400 mark. Pucks singled afterwards, but that run never moved off first base, twice removed on fielders’ choices and eventually stranded when Naughty Joe whiffed. Adkins singled off Brobeck to begin the fourth inning, and the bags filled quickly with a walk to Cabrera and a Haney single. Eddie Moreno’s RBI single to center ended Brobeck’s day, nine outs into the game, and down 5-2 with three on. Hitchcock replaced him and got out of the ******* inning with only one more run across, which was a bold application of “only”.

The tying run somehow went back to the plate even when Alfaro allowed another run in sixth; before that, in the fourth, Adkins had plated a run with a wild pitch, and it was 7-3 in the bottom 6th with Waters, Venegas, and Ramsay on base and one out. Waters and Ramsay (Lonzo had been removed in a double switch) walked, and Venegas had a 1-out single. Adkins lost Gowin to a run-scoring walk in a full count, and was lifted for righty Roberto Ramirez at that point. Pucks hit a sac fly, 7-5, Crum’s single reloaded the bases, but Cox grounded out to Jon Elkins at short to end the inning and leave another three runners on base.

The game had more highlights to offer, depending on your point of view. The Coons put in Eloy Sencion for the seventh, despite few left-handed bats in that lineup, but we had burned all our right-handers by now. Sencion gave up four hits and two runs on his first five batters faced, then came up against Eddie Moreno, who was A) lead-footed, and B) a triple shy of the cycle. The baseball gods worked their magic, Moreno hit a wallbanger off the fence in left, Pucks almost reached it, then bounced off the wall and fell down, and the ball kicked away into the leftfield corner. Two runs scored, and Moreno chugged all the way to third base, huffing and puffing, by the time Pucks recollected himself to collect the ball and throw it back in. Eddie Moreno had a cycle, and the Buffos had an 11-5 lead. Lillis replaced Sencion, gave up an RBI double to Culp and a 2-run homer to Matt McLaren, 14-5. Lillis struck out the next two and got through the eighth, before the Raccoons got to employ their closer down by nine runs in the ninth inning. No accidents happened to him; he was then hit for with Philipps and Crum’s deserted spot (so many double switches…) to begin the bottom 9th, and Philipps singled to begin a fantastic rally, which next saw, uh, Matt Cox pop out, and Naughty Joe hit into a double play… 14-5 Buffaloes. Venegas 2-5; Gowin 2-3, 2 BB, HR, 3 RBI; Crum 1-2, BB; Philipps (PH) 1-1; Tenazes 2-4;

The good news: after getting shellacked for 20 hits on Wednesday, the Coons gave up only 19 hits on Thursday!

Progress!

Raccoons (14-21) vs. Canadiens (20-12) – May 15-17, 2054

Oh ****, the Elks. There was no real way to pipe up any hope for wins or decency. The team was in freefall, and the Elks were… not. Stinkville led the season series, 2-1, and would be 5-1 on Sunday night. They ranked second in runs scored, sixth in runs allowed, and were without Felix Marquez, but there was enough suck in the Raccoons to guarantee an 0-6 week.

Projected matchups:
Seisaku Taki (2-4, 6.05 ERA) vs. Jesse Bulas (4-1, 3.66 ERA)
Jason Wheatley (0-7, 5.93 ERA) vs. Andy Overy (4-0, 3.68 ERA)
He Shui (2-3, 3.38 ERA) vs. Anton Jesus (2-1, 2.89 ERA)

Right, left, right. L, L, L.

The Coons needed arms, bitterly, and came in with a roster move, demoting Antonio Alfaro (5.29 ERA) to AAA to get a fresh arm on. Nothing to write home about, just Ryan Harmer. If things went pear-shaped, he’d be abused for multiple innings and then discarded just the same to get up the next guy in line, perhaps something as exciting as … Raul Medrano?

Game 1
VAN: CF D. Moreno – SS Mullen – 2B Aparicio – C Waker – LF K. Hawkins – 1B Wheeler – RF Magnussen – 3B Ri. Jimenez – P Bulas
POR: 3B Venegas – SS Lavorano – CF Puckeridge – LF Crum – 1B Ramsay – RF Cox – 2B Waters – C Philipps – P Taki

Taki pushed his ERA under six in the first inning… for one batter. Dan Mullen and Tristan Waker both had hits off him, Mullen scored on the latter’s 2-out single, and Taki was above six again, which remained true with an Adam Magnussen single and Ricky Jimenez’ double to left, then a groundout by Bulas that allowed Magnussen to score from third base in the second inning. Holding out without any more hiccups from there through four innings got him under six again, and then the Raccoons actually tied the game on their first base hit of the game. Bulas had retired 11 in a row to begin the contest, but gave up a homer to Ken Crum after Damian Moreno dropped Pucks’ fly to center for an error. Don’t you worry for the Elks, though. Bulas (…) and Moreno went to the corners with leadoff singles in the fifth, and they scored the former with Dan Mullen’s groundout, 3-2. Oh well, let Taki’s ERA yo-yo around six, fine. Matt Cox tied the game again with another homer off Bulas in the bottom 5th.

Taki lasted to the stretch, still holding that 3-3 tie. A lead in any game had so far proven elusive for the Raccoons this week, but when Cox drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 7th, there was at least the go-ahead run on base. Waters popped out, and Philipps flailed on a hit-and-run, but Waker bobbled the ball briefly, then threw wildly to second base, and Cox reached third on the error, the Elks’ third of the game. Tyler Philipps singled two pitches later, through the left side, and the Raccoons were ahead in a ******* ballgame, 4-3!

It didn’t last. Lillis got Waker and Kyle Hawkins out in the eighth, but Bak then walked Jeff Wheeler and gave up a game-tying double to Magnussen in right-center. Dan Riley flew out to Pucks, but the score was even at four. Ken Crum to the rescue – he would mash another homer off Bulas in the bottom 8th, putting the Raccoons in front for the SECOND time all week. What a rush of emotion. (drinks quicker) Bulas then took objection with the way Crum high-fived the third base coach, then took it out on Ramsay, whom he nailed in the shoulder. Ramsay wasn’t happy with that and went out there to take Bulas’ head off. He landed one good punch before third baseman Jorge Uranga pulled him off his pitcher, and a general fracas ensued, at the end of which both Ramsay and Bulas were ejected. Suzuki pinch-ran and would take centerfield, with Pucks to left and Crum to first base, but before that the Coons still had to make an out against lefty Bernardino Risso, who gave up a single to Cox, and then walked four straight Critters in a row, including Gowin and Venegas with the bases loaded, before he got yanked. Jared Bramel got Lonzo to ground out, and Ryan Harmer got three outs in the ninth without giving me reason to call for Maud to bring me the blunderbuss. 8-4 Raccoons. Crum 2-4, 2 HR, 3 RBI; Cox 2-3, BB, HR, RBI; Gowin (PH) 0-0, BB, RBI;

Tying for the team lead in wins with three apiece: Arthur Pickett and… Hyun-soo Bak.

Harry Ramsay and Jesse Bulas, the ******** **********, were both suspended for five games, so in addition to all the other problems, the Raccoons now also had a short bench again.

Game 2
VAN: CF D. Moreno – SS Mullen – 2B Aparicio – C Waker – LF K. Hawkins – 1B Wheeler – RF Magnussen – 3B Ri. Jimenez – P Overy
POR: LF Venegas – SS Lavorano – C Gowin – 1B Crum – 2B Waters – 3B Brobeck – RF Cox – CF Tenazes – P Wheatley

The game was scoreless through three innings, with Winless Wheats whiffing four damn Elks against two singles and a walk, which looked treacherously decent. I grabbed Slappy’s arm for comfort before the fourth inning began, because I feared the fall to be that much more furious from here. But while he didn’t get another K until he arrived at Overy again to end the fifth inning, and Magnussen hit a deep fly out to begin that inning, the Elks only got another Hawkins single the second time through. Not that the Coons did any better – through five, both teams sent 18 men to the plate and had no runs off three easy hits each.

Just when I was about to unclench my furry bum cheeks, Wheats then walked Damian Moreno to begin the sixth. Mullen’s grounder advanced him, Tony Aparicio singled him across home plate, and there it was – 0-8 as good as achieved! Wheats got around a leadoff walk to Hawkins, whom he never retired, in the seventh, but the Coons had Gowin jam into a double play after Lonzo singled with one out in the bottom 6th, and didn’t reach base at all in the next inning. Wheats would get through the eighth inning as well, and the Coons got a leadoff walk squeezed out of Overy by Cox in the bottom 8th before Tenazes singled to center. Pucks pinch-hit and whiffed, and Venegas grounded into a double play, at which point Slappy’s shoulder got slightly wet.

No win for Winless Wheats, who was whiling woefully waywards whilst the top of the ninth inning got underway. Overy was still in there, facing Lonzo to lead off. Lonzo underlined his ambitions to be a power hitter now, socking a game-tying homer to left-center to take Wheats off the hook (for the first time all year…) and send Overy home decision-less as well. Righty Ruben Mendez took over, walked Gowin, and the Coons sent Ed Crispin to pinch-run carrying the W. I shrieked when Ken Crum poked at a 3-0 pitch, but he slashed it through the right side for a single, and Crispin took the W to third base with nobody out. He had to hold there when Waters grounded out, Crum advancing. The Elks then walked Brobeck with intent to fill the bases and get a double play in order with Cox at the dish. Mendez stared back and forth between Cox and Waker for almost a minute, then threw a 52-footer that bounced off a startled Waker’s forearm, hit the umpire’s mask, and merrily giggled its way to the backstop, with Crispin dashing down the line to dive home safely for a confused walkoff…! 2-1 Blighters. Lavorano 3-4, HR, 2B, RBI; Wheatley 8.0 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 3 BB, 6 K;

Not saying that was Peak Wheats, but it was sure a heck of a damn lot better as Gutters Wheats that we saw for most of the first seven starts he made this year.

Game 3
VAN: CF D. Moreno – SS Mullen – 2B Aparicio – C Waker – LF K. Hawkins – 1B Wheeler – RF Magnussen – 3B Ri. Jimenez – P A. Jesus
POR: LF Venegas – SS Lavorano – C Gowin – CF Puckeridge – 1B Crum – RF Cox – 2B Waters – 3B Crispin – P Shui

The offense was slow to get going on Sunday; between the bottom 3rd and top 4th, both teams had a runner thrown out at home plate to end an inning, that being Waters on a Venegas single, trying to get home from second base, for the Coons, and Ricky Jimenez being axed at the plate by Matt Cox on a Moreno single in the fourth. The only problem was that the Elks still scored three runs in that fourth inning, whacking Shui incessantly for six base hits until they ran themselves out of the inning… Gowin walked and Crum was nicked in the bottom 4th, but the Coons couldn’t push a run across. That took until the fifth inning, which Waters opened with a triple to left, then scored on a Crispin single. Shui bunted the runner to second accident-free – yay! – but Venegas popped out. Lonzo was up to the task, though, doubled to left, and shortened the gap to 3-2. Gowin grounded out. Shui reached the stretch, but still behind when Crum and Cox reached base in the bottom 6th, but Waters hit into a double play to kill the inning.

The Coons went in order in the seventh, while Eloy Sencion got more in the snout in the eighth. Wheeler worked a 10-pitch walk with one out, Magnussen singled much faster, and when Hitchcock came in, he gave up a 2-run double to Jose Uranga right away. The Coons kept frittering away runners; Gowin and Crum reached base in the bottom 8th, but Cox flew out to Hawkins to strand them. Ruben Mendez retired them in order in the ninth altogether. 5-2 Canadiens. Gowin 2-4; Waters 2-4, 3B;

In other news

May 11 – DEN SP Nick Robinson (1-3, 3.57 ERA) walks four in his first win of the season, but allows no base hits in a no-hit effort against the Indians. The Gold Sox win 6-0 in what is Robinson’s second no-hitter as well as the second Gold Sox no-hitter of the season.
May 13 – The Indians lose SP Tan Brink (2-5, 5.03 ERA) for the season; the 28-year-old has torn his rotator cuff.
May 14 – LVA RF/LF Ken Hummel (.250, 2 HR, 11 RBI) hits a walkoff single for the Aces to beat the Miners, 5-4 in 16 innings.
May 15 – It’s 300 career home runs for DEN 2B/3B Ivan Villa (.338, 7 HR, 37 RBI), who goes yard twice and drives home six runs in the Gold Sox’ 15-11 shootout win over the Pacifics. Villa, a 3-time Player of the Year, has reached the mark in his age 32 season, and his 12th year with the Gold Sox. The five-time-defending FL home run king for his career was batting .296/.322/.504 with 1,719 hits, 300 homers, and 1,076 RBI, plus 295 stolen bases.
May 16 – WAS OF Neville van de Wouw (.259, 3 HR, 12 RBI) would miss at least two weeks with an oblique strain.
May 17 – TIJ INF/LF/RF Luis Chapa (.232, 3 HR, 18 RBI) whacks a 13th-inning, come-from-behind, walkoff grand slam off Atlanta’s Bill Quinn (1-1, 6.30 ERA) to give the Condors a 6-3 win.
May 17 – The Bayhawks unload 39-yr old 3B/1B Ramon Sifuentes (.261, 6 HR, 25 RBI) and almost $1M in cash to the Capitals, who trade them outfielder Scott King (.242, 1 HR, 6 RBI).
May 17 – MIL LF/RF Perry Pigman (.153, 0 HR, 9 RBI) could be out for the season with a torn back muscle.

FL Player of the Week: DEN INF Brent Andrews (.500, 1 HR, 7 RBI), hitting .640 (16-25) with 1 HR, 7 RBI
CL Player of the Week: ATL C Pedro Almaguer (.363, 5 HR, 17 RBI), batting .455 (10-22) with 3 HR, 5 RBI

Complaints and stuff

I think I need new glasses. I swear I read these standings as having the Loggers in first place.

The Loggers…!

Over here, the scuffle continues. We’re even in terms of run differential now, the rotation is terrible, and the pen gets poked holes into it by having to deliver four, five innings all the time. They’re not fun to watch, in short.

The Coons lost one depth option on Wednesday, when Josh Mayo had surgery to remove bone chips in his elbow; he was out until September, if he’d come back at all this year.

Seven more home games against the Indians and Thunder, with Harry Ramsay to be suspended for the first three against Indy.

Fun Fact: No team ever managed to pitch three straight ABL no-hitters before, but the Thunder managed to be on the receiving end of three straight no-hitters.

The Raccoons were involved, with Jason Turner starting the string on August 27, 1989. The other two no-hitter against the Thunder came in 1990: Boston’s Luis de Jesus on July 24, and Atlanta’s Glenn Ryan on September 8.

To this day, no other team has managed to no-hit the Thunder, who were on the receiving end of three more since 1990: our own Jonny Toner in 2019 and two for Boston: briefly-a-Coon David Barel in 2045, and Kyle Turay in 2050.