Portland Raccoons (ABL)

[Westheim]

The gruesome weekend in New York had been the opening act of a 20-game streak without an off day. Maybe the Raccoons can do a bit better than .000 in that three-week span.

Raccoons (54-81) vs. Loggers (77-59) – September 4-7, 2000

Playing the Loggers probably wouldn’t make it better. We had little to no hope to brave their offensive onslaught, and we’d play four.

Projected matchups:
Scott Wade (5-12, 4.76 ERA) vs. Roberto Herrera (15-9, 4.39 ERA)
Paco Martinez (1-2, 4.37 ERA) vs. Ignacio Ramirez (0-1, 8.10 ERA)
Randy Farley (12-9, 3.57 ERA) vs. Martin Garcia (19-8, 2.33 ERA)
Ralph Ford (6-14, 4.94 ERA) vs. Vicente Perez (8-3, 3.90 ERA)

Yeah, that is going to go so well, and congrats Mr. Garcia on winning 20 again.

Game 1
MIL: SS B. Hernandez – CF Fletcher – RF C. Ramirez – LF Hiwalani – 3B R. Morales – C L. Ramirez – 1B Dean – 2B Baker – P Herrera
POR: SS Guerin – 2B Ingall – 1B Martin – RF Brady – 3B Crowe – LF Parker – C Mata – CF Kent – P Wade

The Loggers got Wade for a pair on a 2-run double by Morales in the first inning. Interestingly, Herrera had an even worse start to the contest, allowing three runs in the bottom 1st. And then – silence. The Coons didn’t do anything, and Wade always had somebody on base, but the Loggers didn’t get them around. Wade was not removed until the seventh, score still 3-2, when he walked both the pitcher Herrera and Bartolo Hernandez with two down. Fletcher was surrendered by Reyes to keep Wade’s 3-2 lead alive. But once again, it wasn’t meant to be. Juan Diaz faced Cristo Ramirez to get the eighth underway, Ramirez went deep, gone was the lead, and gone was Diaz, too. Not that it got better afterwards. Blanco and Miller were guilty of losing the game in the ninth. The Raccoons had the tying runs in scoring position in the bottom 9th, no outs, and Parker grounded out, Mata struck out, and Caddock struck out even harder. 5-3 Loggers. Martin 2-4, 2B; Brady, 3-4;

I can hardly facepalm intensely enough to describe my feelings. We might have to radically eradicate the contents of this roster over the winter. Maybe, if you trade often enough, you might luck your way into a decent player or two.

Meanwhile Luke Newton took three days to be diagnosed with a finger blister (were they looking at his toes all the time?) and is out for three weeks. We will not miss him that badly and it cuts down on the amount of AB’s he can ruin for the rest of his Raccoons career, which will most likely be the rest of his major league career. Unfortunately it also meant that we had to call up the undesirable Cal Lyon. There is really no other option. In time for September, our whole organization has been befallen by injuries. We have 16 players in total on the various DL’s at this point, the most recent additions being AA Rich Mason, A Steve Searcy, and some pitcher I can’t remember the name right now and it’s the A level anyway.

And every day it became more impossible to produce a winning lineup.

Game 2
MIL: RF C. Ramirez – SS B. Hernandez – 3B R. Morales – LF Hiwalani – C L. Ramirez – CF Fletcher – 2B Sullivan – 1B Baker – P I. Ramirez
POR: SS Guerin – 1B Martin – CF Parker – RF Brady – 3B Ingall – 2B Michel – LF Richardson – C Mata – P P. Martinez

The Raccoons had another contest in which they excellently showcased their core strengths, those being most prominently: a) walk enough opposing batters to get the cleanup man a chance to look good, and b) leave two men on every other inning at least yourself. Eventually, the unimposing Ignacio Ramirez’ lack of stuff came into play though, and the Loggers weren’t hitting Paco Martinez a lot unless they were named Hiwalani, who batted in two runs in the first four innings – all they got. They trailed 2-1 into the bottom 6th, when Parker singled to get things going. Brady walked on four balls, and then Ingall tied the game with a double. Two men in scoring position, no outs in a tied game, this would be where 23 other teams in the league would thrive. Not so the Uttercoons. Michel grounded out to third, keeping the runners pinned. Richardson was walked onto the empty base, before Ramirez struck out Mata. Martinez was now hit for, because desperation and so on. Daniel Sharp accepted three balls before popping out to center. In turn, Nordahl walked just enough runners to give up the drop-behind run away again on the first shy single that plinked in anywhere. Bottom 9th. Down 3-2, Mata made an out. Sullivan’s error put Cal Lyon on base, and Guerin singled. Winning runs on with one out, Martin flew out, bringing up Parker, who hit a shot to deep left. That was not very high, and not very deep but it could meet the warning track and – oops, no, Fletcher. 3-2 Loggers. Guerin 2-5; Ingall 3-4, 2B, RBI;

Matt Brown went 4-5 with 5 RBI as the Indians out-smothered the Crusaders, 11-8 – 13 runs were scored in the third inning alone – and dump the horrible Raccoons into last place – presumably forever.

Game 3
MIL: SS B. Hernandez – CF Fletcher – RF C. Ramirez – LF Hiwalani – 3B R. Morales – C L. Ramirez – 1B Dean – 2B Baker – P Perez
POR: SS Guerin – 1B Martin – CF Parker – RF Brady – 3B Ingall – 2B Michel – LF Richardson – C Jackson – P Farley

For some strange reason, the Loggers did not send Martin Garcia to annihilate Randy’s ambitions. The Raccoons scored three runs early in the game, partly on defensive deficiencies by the Loggers’ infield, but also left two men on in both of the first two innings. That came back quicker than they thought, as Farley sucked and was stomped in a 4-run fourth and the Loggers took a 5-3 lead. Farley continued because the bullpen was more or less depleted, but the score wasn’t quite hopeless enough to have Fairchild give up four more runs. He was finally lifted after allowing two singles in the sixth, and Blanco failed to remove the left-hander Bill Dean, and another run scored. Now it was hopeless enough. The Raccoons failed to log a hit entirely past the fourth inning. 8-4 Loggers.

Game 4
MIL: RF C. Ramirez – SS B. Hernandez – 3B R. Morales – LF Hiwalani – C L. Ramirez – CF Fletcher – 2B Sullivan – 1B Costello – P Woodard
POR: SS Guerin – 1B Martin – CF Parker – RF Brady – 3B Ingall – 2B Michel – LF Richardson – C Mata – P Ford

Ralph Ford continued his bid to be demoted to AAA before the end of the year. The Loggers didn’t even have to try very hard. Being mildly patient and accepting a few walks, they easily scored four runs in the first two innings. Ford was charged for six runs eventually, while not going past the fifth inning. The Raccoons left on two in the third, two in the fourth, two in the fifth … in a completely discouraging display of incessant inability to perform the most basic tasks on a functional level, the Raccoons didn’t take place at all in the game. The Loggers cruised to an easy and never threatened 4-game sweep. 6-1 Loggers. Sharp (PH) 1-1, 2B; Schaefer 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 1 K; Miller 2.0 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K;

And who was the guy with the list of reasons why I shouldn’t just wait for them to lose another game, get to the locker room, then lock it and set the clubhouse on fire?

I just … I just can’t…

Our breathing space above the all-time .500 mark has been swiftly halved in this nightmare series, down to four games. The only – THE ONLY – reason for me being sure we will not drop to zero in the following Canadiens series is the fact that we will only play three games.

Raccoons (54-85) vs. Canadiens (67-72) – September 8-10, 2000

Mired in misery, the Raccoons faced a semi-decent Canadiens team that had already claimed the season series (10-5) and were looking forward to keeping the Raccoons winless in September.

Projected matchups:
Miguel Lopez (6-14, 5.47 ERA) vs. Joe Hollow (16-12, 3.74 ERA)
Scott Wade (5-12, 4.68 ERA) vs. Jose Dominguez (14-8, 3.70 ERA)
Paco Martinez (1-2, 4.17 ERA) vs. Daniel Dickerson (7-10, 4.65 ERA)

Game 1
VAN: 3B Shaw – LF Ledesma – RF Velasquez – SS B. Butler – CF P. Taylor – C Rosa – 2B A. Simon – 1B Morgan – P Hollow
POR: SS Guerin – 1B Martin – 2B Ingall – RF Brady – CF Parker – 3B Crowe – C Mata – LF Richardson – P Lopez

The weather was soggy on this Friday in Portland with a near-constant drizzle all evening. Both teams played along well. Bob Butler got the Canadiens into the lead in the third inning, but while Lopez was not impressive, they failed to kill him early on – a welcome change from weeks past. The Raccoons in turn failed completely for four innings, until the Canadiens jump-started them. One out in the bottom 5th, Richardson singled to left. He went for second on the first pitch to Lopez and no throw was ever made by 22-year old Freddy Rosa in his major league debut. With Richardson safe, Lopez singled to left, plating the runner to tie the score at one. Guerin walked, and then Hollow made a throwing error on a sorry grounder by Albert Martin, loading the bags with one out. Ingall came up to not single, but strike out, and Brady, who already had two whiffs on the day, flailed for the hattrick in the fifth inning. After this wonderful botch job, Lopez managed the sixth, but in the seventh had Ledesma single and then hit Velasquez (his second hit batter on the day). That got him removed with more right-handed bats coming. Manuel Martinez came in, threw two pitches to Bob Butler, which resulted in a hard single up the middle. Ledesma turned third and went for home, but was nailed by Parker after slipping around the corner. The umpires had seen enough for the moment and sent everybody to the dugouts in this ugly 1-1 game, two out in the top 7th, with two in scoring position. Over an hour later, play resumed, with lefty Matt MacKey hitting for Phil Taylor, facing Blanco, and hit a single up the middle to break the tie. Two pitchers and three runs later, the inning graciously ended, yet the Raccoons were smothered further in the following two frames as their September futility continued unabated. 7-2 Canadiens. Parker 2-4;

Since it deserves to be mentioned from time to time: no Raccoons starter has managed to complete seven innings in any game since fricking August 18, when Scotty went eight in a 2-1 loss to the Indians. That’s THREE FULL WEEKS.

Game 2
VAN: SS A. Simon – 3B Sutton – RF Velasquez – 1B I. Gutierrez – 2B B. Butler – CF Ledesma – LF MacKey – C Clemente – P Dominguez
POR: SS Guerin – 1B Martin – LF Parker – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – 2B Ingall – C Mata – CF Lyon – P Wade

Wade tried to end the streak of shortlivedness that had befallen our rotation for the better part of a month, but struck out Arthur Simon to start the contest, ringing all bells, blaring the alarm and someone even hit the giant gong in the restrooms. Indeed, Tony Velasquez homered the same inning, and it was 1-0 Smelly Elks yet again. Concie shocked the Elks with a home run of his own in the first inning, but Wade was taken deep by Ledesma in the second. The Coons equalized on a Mata sac fly in the bottom 2nd, 2-2. That was roughly were it began to escalate. Dominguez singled off Wade to get the third underway, and the next three Elks all reached base as they scored three runs in the inning. Wade was done after four innings, allowing six runs, all earned, and the Canadiens had their way with the Raccoons again. Never mind Albert Martin’s tenth home run of the season in the bottom 3rd. They were trailing, and they were trailing hard. Schaefer came in to replace Wade in the fifth inning, faced two batters, and both Gutierrez and Butler homered. The Canadiens continued their relentless assault on defenseless animals, reaching double digits by the sixth after having scored in every inning along the way. Daniel Miller handed them their first zero of the day in the seventh, and even struck out the side in the eighth. The Canadiens’ staff crumbled, too, but it didn’t look like they were in trouble until the bottom 8th. Raining again, and Ingall led off with a walk off Pedro Alvarado. Mata then doubled, and with the score at 10-6, suddenly the tying run was in the on-deck circle with Miller holding a bat just because. Cal Lyon had homered earlier, but now struck out, and Jackson hit for Miller, hitting an RBI single. Guerin singled, 10-8, before Martin flew out. Parker squeezed a single past Butler. Jackson was waved around and Velasquez’ throw was cut off by Alvarado to get Guerin at third, which didn’t work out, either. 10-9 game, runners on the corners, two out, Brady up, Enrico Gonzalez pitching. And Brady grounded out. Manuel Martinez and Orlando Blanco were collectively skinned for three runs in the ninth inning, and it was over. 13-9 Canadiens. Guerin 2-4, BB, HR, 2 RBI; Parker 2-5, 2 RBI; Mata 2-4, 2B, RBI; Lyon 2-4, HR, 2 RBI; Richardson (PH) 1-1; Jackson (PH) 1-1, RBI; Miller 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 4 K;

In case anyone is still counting or wondering or whatever, that’s nine consecutive losses, and 20 consecutive games on Raccoons starter has gone seven innings.

Also, if anyone minds, I have to go now. After this most recent mayhem, which lasted almost four hours, I have to hurry to get to the drug store. I’m perilously low at home on Jack Daniels and barbiturates.

Two or three weeks ago I would have considered it impossible for the Raccoons to wind up with 100 losses or with the worst record in the league. They are not far removed from either now. Their current leeway on the Knights was four games, and they had just dropped behind the Miners for second-worst in the ABL.

Neil Reece headed to St. Pete on Sunday morning for a rehab assignment. The Alley Cats led their division by three games with just over a week to play.

Game 3
VAN: 3B Shaw – C Clemente – RF Velasquez – SS B. Butler – CF P. Taylor – LF A. Simon – 2B Morgan – 1B D. Davis – P Dickerson
POR: SS Guerin – 1B Martin – LF Parker – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – C Jackson – 2B Caddock – CF Lyon – P P. Martinez

Paco sat down the first seven batters before walking Jacob Morgan. Of course that walk exploded in his face instantly when Shaw and Clemente came up with 2-out RBI doubles for a 2-0 lead in favor of the disgusting team. There was really nothing going on through six. With the Raccoons not showing any spark at the plate, could Martinez at least go seven and break that curse upon the rotation? Yes, he could, although it was mainly down to a base-running mistake by Morgan, who tagged from first on Doug Davis’ fly out to Parker and was thrown out by Parker, who didn’t quite have a laser arm. In fact, Martinez pitched his second career complete game and went the distance on three runs total. Those three runs were three too much. Dickerson, Raymond Léger, and Enrico Gonzalez shut out the Raccoons on six hits. 3-0 Canadiens. Guerin 2-3, BB; Ingall (PH) 1-1; P. Martinez 9.0 IP, 8 H, 3 R, 3 ER, 1 BB, 6 K, L (1-3);

Raccoons (54-88) vs. Crusaders (67-75) – September 11-14, 2000

This 0-10 month had started in New York, and now the Crusaders were even invading our own ballpark. Never mind their third-worst batting average or their apocalyptic bullpen with a 5.13 ERA. They will find a way to master the Uttercoons. Their Avery Johnson had just been named CL Player of the Week (while NOT playing the Coons) with a .500 clip, 2 HR, and 9 RBI. C’mon Ave! Make it two weeks in a row! This team’s hides are awaiting you for skinning!

Projected matchups:
Randy Farley (12-10, 3.76 ERA) vs. Anibal Sandoval (16-12, 3.76 ERA)
Ralph Ford (6-15, 5.12 ERA) vs. Ramiro Gonzalez (14-10, 3.62 ERA)
Miguel Lopez (6-15, 5.35 ERA) vs. Cipriano Miranda (12-10, 4.14 ERA)
Scott Wade (5-13, 4.88 ERA) vs. Greg Connor (3-2, 4.35 ERA)

Game 1
NYC: 3B Rigg – 2B Brantley – LF A. Johnson – 1B M. Berry – CF D. Woods – RF Latham – C Olson – SS Rice – P Sandoval
POR: SS Guerin – 1B Martin – CF Parker – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – 2B Ingall – C Mata – LF Richardson – P Farley

The Crusaders were pressuring Farley pretty badly early on, but failed to score in the first three innings, including leaving the bags full when Farley struck out Latham to escape the third. The Raccoons utilized Guerin’s legs in the bottom 3rd, as he stole his 22nd base of the year and then scored on a Martin single for a 1-0 lead. Even uglier for the Crusaders, Anibal Sandoval left with an injury after tossing 242 innings on the season. The middle innings were marked by a home run by Martin and another run scoring after Parker initially reached on an uncaught third strike. Our own catcher would cock up things sooner rather than later as well, though: after Farley was removed without surrendering a run, but with Johnson singling in the seventh and him already beyond 110 pitches, Diaz and Mata made him surrender a run with a double to Dan Woods and a passed ball. Albert Martin took care of a more comfortable score in the bottom 7th, going deep again and charging Pancho Gutierrez with two runs, and the bullpen held up well enough in the end to break the gruesome 10-game spill the Raccoons had been on. 5-1 Furballs. Martin 3-4, 2 HR, 4 RBI; Parker 2-4, 3B; Ingall 2-4, RBI; Farley 6.1 IP, 7 H, 1 R, 0 ER, 2 BB, 3 K, W (13-10);

This ties Randy’s career high for wins (1999), but he has a few more starts remaining. How many largely depends on how the Alley Cats will do in the playoffs. Despite a 7-4 loss to the Drummondville Beetles (VAN), their magic number was two at this point with four to play.

Game 2
NYC: SS Rigg – LF J. Cruz – C Manuel – RF A. Johnson – 3B Rush – 1B T. Mullins – 2B M. Givens – CF V. Gonzalez – P R. Gonzalez
POR: SS Guerin – 1B Martin – 2B Ingall – LF Parker – 3B Crowe – C Mata – LF Richardson – CF Kent – P Ford

Two pitchers traded goose eggs in the second game of the series. In what was for the most part a defensive showcase, neither team was even close to scoring through seven innings. There were two spots in Ford’s game through seven that made me think he was going to lose it any time, once with an untimely 2-out walk to Johnson, and once when he hit fearsome .182 batter Vincente Gonzalez, but he got his act back together both times. After walking Andres Manuel in the eighth with one out however, he allowed a single to Johnson, the only left-hander the Crusaders permitted to face him. That got him out. As Manuel Reyes came into the game, the Crusaders began to use their bench, sending lefty Mark Berry for Rush, but Reyes struck out both him and Theodore Mullins. No score through nine, the game went on. In the tenth, Blanco put Manuel on base. With two out, Miller appeared to face Fred Adams in the #5 hole, and his first pitch was taken to center for an RBI single. The Raccoons had amassed three hits in regulation, but Ingall led off with a single off closer Dane Sanders, who had already tossed in the ninth and was in line for the win. Parker bunted Ingall to second. Michel was by now batting fifth and grounded to Adams, just before the hero, now the villain for the Crusaders, as his throw to first pulled Mullins off the bag and the Coons had runners on the corners with one out. Julio Mata singled to right to tie the score, before Sharp struck out. Two down, there was still a weapon on the bench in Clyde Brady on his off day. He hit for Jason Kent. And he struck out. Miller wound up with the loss in the 11th, giving up two walks and two hits. 2-1 Crusaders. Ford 7.1 IP, 5 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 4 K;

Their incessant sucking makes me more and more eager to just randomly trade faces this winter.

At least this was a better start from Ralph Ford. Let’s see whether he can double up on that on Sunday.

Game 3
NYC: SS Rigg – 2B Brantley – C Manuel – 3B Rush – LF J. Cruz – RF D. Woods – 1B M. Givens – CF Latham – P Miranda
POR: SS Guerin – CF Parker – 1B Martin – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – 2B Michel – LF Richardson – C Jackson – P Lopez

A Brady single, a Sharp walk, and Miranda throwing wildly past second on Michel’s grounder were the recipe for three on, no out for the Coons in the bottom 2nd of a scoreless game. Walks drawn by Jackson and Lopez and singles by Guerin and Parker took care of a 4-0 score. Would that be enough for Lopez? Well, none of the first eight Crusaders reached base, implying that Miranda did when he came up, and he hit a hard single. However, the Crusaders didn’t score until the fifth on a solo home run by Malcolm Givens, and Lopez was not particularly rattled at any point in the game. The Coons had the bags full with one out three times in the game. Once in an extension of the bottom 2nd, when Martin and Brady failed. Once in the sixth, where they didn’t score either, and then in the seventh. Up 5-1, Lopez was due to bat and was not hit for, instead slapping a 2-run double off Pancho Gutierrez, and Parker would plate another run as the Coons had their second 4-run frame on the day. Lopez completed the eighth, in which a Michel error cost an unearned run, and tried his luck in the ninth, but couldn’t quite get through. 8-2 Raccoons. Parker 3-5, 2 RBI; Brady 2-4, BB; Sharp 3-4, BB; Michel 2-4, BB, RBI; Lopez 8.1 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 3 K, W (7-15) and 1-3, BB, 2B, 3 RBI;

Funny thing is, the Critters had 13 hits in the game, and Lopez had the only one that was not a single.

Game 4
NYC: SS Rigg – 2B Brantley – LF A. Johnson – 1B M. Berry – CF D. Woods – C Manuel – 3B Rice – RF Latham – P Connor
POR: CF Parker – 2B Ingall – 1B Martin – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – LF Richardson – C Mata – SS Caddock – P Wade

Connor had a most horrible game for the Crusaders. After walking the bags full in the first, Richardson hit him for a 2-out, 2-run double. He walked in a run in the second, and the Coons were up 4-1 by the third. The Crusaders were however nibbling on Wade. While he wound out of tight spots in the fourth and fifth, a defensive misjudgment by Parker, who tried to get Johnson going first-to-third on a single by Berry, led to an additional run, as Berry moved up to second base in the sixth and the Coons couldn’t turn a double play on the following grounder. Wade’s lead was down to 4-2, while on the other side of the box score, Daniel Richardson followed up his first inning double with three more of the same kind by the seventh, tying the CL record for doubles in a game with four, and all while leading off an inning. This time the Coons opened the score however, as Caddock drove home Richardson, they loaded the bags against Pancho Gutierrez, and then Ingall singled home a pair. With Gutierrez worn out, Mike Nelson came in to face Martin, but the shelling continued. The inning was still going on when Richardson came back to bat. Could he do it again? No, Latham made the play this time. The score was sufficiently inflated for the Crusaders to lose the air from their tires, and Wade managed to go the distance. 9-2 Critters. Martin 2-5, RBI; Richardson 4-5, 4 2B, 2 RBI; Mata 2-4; Caddock 2-5, 2 RBI; Wade 9.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 1 BB, 2 K, W (6-13) and 1-4;

This pulled us even with the Crusaders for this year, but we haven’t won the season series since 1996, and we are currently worst against them (and the Titans) in our division all time with a .493 record.

The Alley Cats locked up their division this Thursday as well.

Raccoons (57-89) @ Bayhawks (92-54) – September 15-17, 2000

Three games behind the Thunder in the South, the Bayhawks couldn’t afford to mess with the Coons. They needed successes. Their third-best offense and second-best pitching were certainly arguments against the Raccoons. Unfortunately for them, they were missing two key pieces from their rotation now in Jorge Chapa and Ricardo Sanchez, and it showed in the box scored. Also, Bob Hall had gone down to a knee injury the week before. Their AAA affiliate in Baton Rouge had been the last team clinging on to our Alley Cats in their common AAA division.

Projected matchups:
Paco Martinez (1-3, 3.96 ERA) vs. Dani Alvarado (2-3, 7.34 ERA)
Randy Farley (13-10, 3.64 ERA) vs. Tony Hamlyn (17-7, 2.74 ERA)
Ralph Ford (6-15, 4.89 ERA) vs. Jose Diaz (0-0, 6.35 ERA)

Game 1
POR: SS Guerin – CF Parker – 1B Martin – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – LF Richardson – 2B Ingall – C Mata – P P. Martinez
SFB: 3B Burnham – CF Walls – 1B D. Carroll – RF Black – LF Cavazos – 2B H. Ramirez – C G. Ortíz – SS T. Smith – P Alvarado

Martinez was mauled in record time, not retiring any of the first five batters, and conceding three runs in the first inning. The Bayhawks were done with him in less than three innings and the Raccoons trailed 5-2. While Kelly Fairchild offered no tangible relief to the Raccoons’ efforts, Dani Alvarado sizzled and struck out eleven surprised bystanding Raccoons, and to put a little crown on everything, Dan Nordahl somehow managed to be strafed for three more runs in the bottom 8th. 9-4 Bayhawks. Guerin 2-4, 2B;

With the Alley Cats in the playoffs, there was however no reason to keep Neil Reece around down there, so he was recalled to join the team at the Bay. In turn, we sent back the hapless Cal Lyon.

Game 2
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – CF Reece – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – 2B Ingall – RF Richardson – C Mata – P Farley
SFB: C G. Ortíz – 2B H. Ramirez – RF W. Jackson – 1B D. Carroll – CF Marquez – 3B T. Smith – LF Murphy – SS Navarro – P Hamlyn

Tony Hamlyn entered with 222 K on the season, and wasted no time adding to them. In the first two innings, he whiffed four and put nobody on base, and thus the third inning came kind of like a shock to the home team’s fans. Richardson got on. Farley eventually bunted him over. Two out, Guerin singled, and then Parker doubled past Will Jackson to score both runners. Reece singled, and Martin singled home Parker before Sharp grounded out, 3-0. But hold back your celebrations for a moment. In the bottom 3rd, Hamlyn and Ortíz reached on consecutive infield singles, and Ramirez impaled Farley for a 2-run double. Ron Murphy tied the score with a massive homer in the fourth, and the Raccoons were probably not going to get another chance. While Hamlyn struck out nine in five innings, Farley lobbed balls like a pre-schooler, managing one lone K. Richardson made it ten for Tony, leading off the seventh, before Ismael Navarro lost a Mata grounder to put the catcher on first base, but Hamlyn would turn away Guerin for #11 before things could get out of hand. The Bayhawks trying to generate offense was the only thing that kept Hamlyn from striking out a dozen or more, but they couldn’t hand him a W in the bottom 7th, when they hit for him. Johnny Smith then walked Reece and Martin in the top 8th, no outs. Sharp hit a bloop that dinked into shallow right regardless, loading the bags, and still no outs in the tied game. They scored the outrageous sum of one run. Needing outs somewhere, we turned to Blanco and Miller, who couldn’t navigate the eighth, and couldn’t have done so even with the help of a knife, a lighthouse, and instructions written in Braille. The Bayhawks re-tied the score, now at four, anyway. Guerin led off the ninth with a single, was thrown out stealing, and when the Bayhawks sent unmountable closer Ryosei Kato, the Raccoons could not possibly score for a few innings. Top 13th, Jose Matos made a most monumental error when he walked Antonio Donis with two out, pushing Mata to second base. Guerin – FINALLY – came through with a double to left. Parker struck out before we could do some actual damage, but Donis struck out the side in the bottom of the inning. 5-4 Raccoons. Guerin 3-7, 2B, RBI; Reece 2-4, 2 BB; Martin 2-5, BB, RBI; Richardson 2-6, RBI; Schaefer 3.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 4 K; Donis 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 3 K, W (3-3) and 0-0, BB;

We moved back into a tie for fifth place with the equally moribund Indians with this late success. The Bayhawks dropped four off the pace.

On the bad side, Manuel Martinez pitched to one batter in this game before clutching his arm and crying out in pain. He is out with a torn triceps.

Game 3
POR: SS Guerin – 1B Martin – CF Reece – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – LF Richardson – 2B Michel – C Jackson – P Ford
SFB: C G. Ortíz – CF Walls – 1B D. Carroll – RF Black – LF Cavazos – 2B H. Ramirez – 3B J. Gomez – SS Navarro – P J. Diaz

Ford’s good impression from Tuesday did not carry over, and – oh bloody hell – didn’t it carry over. While the Coons scored first, one run in the first before leaving three men on, the Bayhawks readily accepted balls from a completely unspooled Ford, who needed 76 pitches through three innings, getting the game tied 1-1 in the process just by being awful, and the Bayhawks would soon take a 2-1 lead due to Ford’s second wild pitch on the day. Ford didn’t see the conclusion of the sixth inning – as was good custom with him – while the Raccoons were unable to not strike out in this series. Diaz was at eight K’s after six innings, and reached double digits in the seventh. Martin was on third base for the Raccoons with one down in the eighth and neither Brady nor Sharp managed to hit the ball further than 20 feet off the plate. The Coons continued to trail 2-1 after eight, which by logical extension meant that Ryosei Kato was to appear, and thus, by default, ballgame. 2-1 Bayhawks. Martin 2-3, BB;

Final futility tally for the Raccoons’ offense: 31 innings, 23 hits, 13 walks, 37 strikeouts at the Bay.

In other news

September 10 – TOP INF Lance Hitchcock (.323, 3 HR, 36 RBI) is grievously injured in an ugly on-base collision with Cincy’s Benvenuto LaRocca when he slides head first into LaRocca’s firmly planted and pointy knee. Hitchcock, who lost his helmet on a tumbling first step from first base, is struck unconscious and hurriedly brought to a hospital. He has been diagnosed with a very severe concussion and so far a final verdict on an eventual return to baseball is still out for the 30-year old.
September 13 – An entry into the history books is made as NAS C Felix Hernandez (.267, 8 HR, 52 RBI) hits for the CYCLE in a 6-5 loss of the Blue Sox to the Miners. His ninth inning homer off Paco Barrera not only seals the cycle, but also ties the contest and sends the game to extra innings, where the Miners get away with it in the tenth. The 24-year old Hernandez, signed in 1993 out of the Dominican Republic, is the 29th player to hit for a cycle, and it is the 30th such achievement in total. It is also the third time a Blue Sock has hit for the cycle (Ryan Childress, 1977; Gabriel Cruz, 1989), and all three of them achieved the feat against the Miners! There have now been three cycles this year (LVA Wes McCormick, DAL Gustavo Infante), and only Infante’s team did not lose respective game.
September 13 – LVA 1B/3B Javier Vargas (.325, 11 HR, 66 RBI) might miss two weeks with a strained rib cage muscle.
September 14 – The Bayhawks might just have lost INF Bob Hall for the rest of the campaign with a torn meniscus. Hall is batting .293 with 14 HR and 76 RBI.
September 16 – LVA INF Oliver Torres (.314, 0 HR, 17 RBI), just drafted this year and being sent straight into the Bigs with no at-bats in the minors, is out for the season with a sprained ankle.
September 16 – PIT SP Roy Floyd (12-14, 3.90 ERA) 3-hits the Scorpions in an 8-0 whitewash.
September 17 – LAP CL Bill Corkum (4-4, 2.90 ERA, 38 SV) is out with a torn ulnar collateral ligament. A positive estimate on his return date is nine months from now.
September 17 – The Scorpions are dealt a blow with the loss of SP Joe Mann (15-8, 3.09 ERA) who is out with a strained hamstring.
September 17 – Oklahoma will miss one start from SP Vaughn Higgins (14-9, 3.07 ERA) who has strained his shoulder.

Complaints and stuff

This first Monday it was 11 years since Michael Root, career home run leader, slammed three dingers in the Knights’ 8-5 win over the Falcons. His 338 home runs are approached by Raúl Vázquez, who entered the first week with 333 and hit home runs off TOP Sancho Rivera and PIT Jerry Lane to reach 335, then fell silent for a few days before adding homers off a pair of Gold Sox in Carl Bean (on Saturday) and Andres Gamez (on Sunday), bringing his total to 337. With Michael Root on the Capitals’ roster, but not having hit a home run all season, his days at the top could be over very, very soon.

Also, Anibal Rodriguez passed Mark Dawson for fourth place.

Further odd notes: in the Federal League, three Capitals are leading the batting title race, with Vonne Calzado ahead of Victorino Sanchez and Jesus Rivera.

[Westheim]

The Raccoons have to out-crawl a 4-9 pace the rest of the pay to avoid a 100 losses season, which would only be the second in their franchise history. They play against three winning teams down the stretch (9 of 13 games), and their combined record against these teams this season is 20-30, which if matched would just BARELY mean they’d come out at 63-99. Of course we would not mind doing better than that, right? Right.

Our AAA Alley Cats opened the first round of the championships on Sunday with a 7-4 win over the Albion Vanquishers (Rebels affiliate).

Raccoons (58-91) @ Condors (88-61) – September 18-20, 2000

This was the tail end of the 20 straight games we had to play since September 1. At 4-13 in the stretch, we can say it hasn’t gone very good for us. The Condors were repulsed by both the Thunder and the Bayhawks down the stretch and have lost seven of eight against those teams in September to drop out of the CL South race.

Projected matchups:
Miguel Lopez (7-15, 5.11 ERA) vs. Sylvester Clark (13-7, 3.19 ERA)
Scott Wade (6-13, 4.74 ERA) vs. Kelvin Yates (2-1, 4.17 ERA)
Paco Martinez (1-4, 4.44 ERA) vs. Jose Maldonado (14-10, 3.43 ERA)

Game 1
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – CF Reece – 1B Martin – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – 2B Ingall – C Mata – P Lopez
TIJ: 3B A. De Jesus – SS J. Barrón – RF Wales – 1B O’Morrissey – CF Gorden – 2B A. Gomez – LF Aguilar – C Washington – P Clark

The Condors paid dearly for Alfredo De Jesus’ 18th error on the season, when he bobbled Daniel Sharp’s grounder in the second inning. That prolonged play for long enough for the Coons to score a pair of runs in the inning. Overall however, the Raccoons continued their recent trend of flailing embarrassingly against whatever the opposing hurler was giving them. Sylvester Clark had 7 K racked up through four innings. Lopez held the Condors down over four – while doing so much less spectacularly – but when he started the fifth inning with eight straight balls, we knew that this ship was going down. Sure enough, De Jesus and Barrón eventually hit a pair of 2-out RBI singles to knot the score. Lopez plunked O’Morrissey leading off the bottom 6th and got himself purged from the contest. Dan Nordahl came in, pitched in his usual pushover fashion, and only a launching grab by Clyde Brady on Rusty Washington’s high line drive kept Lopez from going onto the hook. The game remained tied at two into the top 8th. Samy Michel walked in place of Juan Diaz with John Hatt now pitching for Tijuana. Hatt threw a wild pitch to move Michel to second, and then Juan Barrón colossally threw away Guerin’s grounder to plate Michel and give the Coons the lead back. Hatt issued two more walks before the Condors mercy-killed him, but the Raccoons scored two runs on a Brady sac fly and a Sharp double before fizzling out. The Coons got another unearned run donated courtesy of Gonzalo Aguilar in the ninth, when Donis came into the bottom 9th. Up 6-2, Bruce Boyle hit an infield single, before Donis threw away De Jesus’ grounder. Two on, no outs, Barrón flew out to Reece, before Wales hit into a fielder’s choice. O’Morrissey fouled out to end the game. 6-2 Raccoons. Parker 3-5, RBI;

We had ZERO earned runs in this game. Which is fine. You know. Sometimes you can accept a win that is charitably donated to you in this fashion. It doesn’t make you feel any better, but the opponents are feeling all the worse, so you are not even the sportsy winner, you are also the MORAL winner, and how AWESOME is that!?

Yes, I am making **** up just to get over these fails and get to October without shooting myself.

Game 2
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – 1B Martin – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – C Mata – 2B Ingall – CF Kent – P Wade
TIJ: RF Sanders – SS J. Barrón – LF Wales – 1B O’Morrissey – 2B B. Boyle – CF A. Lopez – 3B Gorden – C Washington – P Ralph

The Condors switched around their pitchers and instead sent Arnold Ralph (3-1, 3.06 ERA) into this contest. While Wade was constantly in trouble in this game, and the Raccoons couldn’t get a hit with a runner in scoring position, not even if someone left a little single to them in his will, the Critters still somehow were up 2-1 after five innings. The Condors were regularly stalled at third base through some defensive miracle, the Coons had gotten runs on productive outs (better than nothing), and the only run against Wade was unearned after a Sharp error. Bottom 6th, everything went to hell. The first three Condors all reached base on singles, including two soft pops falling into shallow center. Ralph tied the game with a sac fly before Sanders hit into a double play, but the lead was gone, and the team sucked badly enough that we would have to wait for another three errors to produce anything. The useless Andrew Schaefer didn’t toss anything but balls in the seventh and the Condors took the lead, 3-2. That’s when Jason Kent, another member of the useless party, led off the top 8th with a triple off Ralph. Neil Reece, who got another day of rest after just returning from rehab, hit for Blanco and hit a deep fly that was nevertheless caught by Wales. However, Kent scored, tying the game again. With two out, Parker tripled (giving the Coons three triples in the game with Guerin hitting one earlier), but Martin flew out gingerly. In looking for somebody to lose this game in the most efficient way, we found Kelly Fairchild uselessly picking his nose in the bullpen. He sure as hell gave up another run in the bottom 8th, and the Raccoons failed to materialize on the bases in the ninth at all. 4-3 Condors. Guerin 2-4, 3B;

… and then there was the game where they hit three triples, and still lost, because they had only five hits in total.

The Alley Cats had lost game 2 in Albion on Monday, 7-4, and would play two home games in the best-of-five series starting Wednesday.

Game 3
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – C Jackson – 2B Caddock – 3B Crowe – P P. Martinez
TIJ: 3B A. De Jesus – SS J. Barrón – RF Wales – 1B O’Morrissey – 2B B. Boyle – CF Gorden – LF Bayle – C Washington – P J. Maldonado

The Condors casually rolled over Martinez, who for a split second this week had been in consideration for a spot in the rotation next year. Like I said, it was a split second, and the eight hits, three walks, and four runs he defenselessly surrendered over four innings in this game will take proper care that such a scenario will never happen. The Raccoons were physically present, but didn’t actually do anything worth noting in the game, safe for a Guerin bloop single scoring their only run in the eighth inning. 5-1 Condors. Guerin 2-4, RBI; Jackson 2-4;

The Alley Cats split their two home games, losing the first one 7-4 on Wednesday (the third 7-4 score in the series), then took game 4, 6-3. That sets up an all-or-nothing game 5 in Albion on Saturday.

Raccoons (59-93) @ Titans (85-68) – September 22-24, 2000

The Titans had almost 100 more runs scored than the Coons, ranking them fourth with 700 points, and the Coons last with 604. And we already had 15 chances to see their pitching from close up and didn’t necessarily need another three to acknowledge their superiority.

Projected matchups:
Randy Farley (13-10, 3.66 ERA) vs. Jesus Bautista (16-14, 3.45 ERA)
Ralph Ford (6-16, 4.85 ERA) vs. Jason O’Halloran (17-7, 2.97 ERA)
Miguel Lopez (7-15, 5.06 ERA) vs. Sergio Gonzalez (13-13, 3.22 ERA)

Game 1
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – CF Reece – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – 2B Ingall – 1B Michel – C Mata – P Farley
BOS: SS D. Silva – 2B Brewer – 1B Austin – RF G. Munoz – LF Thomas – CF Garrison – C L. Lopez – 3B Williamson – P Bautista

Line drives galore, the Raccoons whacked Bautista for three runs in the first inning (and had their fourth in Sharp cut down at home plate when they got too cocky). The Titans took some fire early, lost Gonzalo Munoz on a head-long play to rob Ingall of a single, and Ron Williamson plated a run with a throwing error in the fourth to make it 4-0. Bautista was finally knocked out by Sharp in the fifth with a 2-run double, and with a 6-0 lead it was all Randy’s responsibility to set a new career-high in wins for himself. Although the Titans didn’t score on Farley, they readily took balls as he was not very sharp in this start. He allowed no runs through seven, but when Daniel Silva, that little pest, drew a 9-pitch walk to lead off the bottom 8th, it put Farley on 111 on the day and made sending him for nine a gamble he could only pay dearly for. Blanco came in, was ineffective, yielded to Miller, and somehow the Raccoons got out of the inning when Josh Thomas grounded to Ingall for a double play. The Titans would still break up the shutout on Juan Diaz in the ninth inning. 8-1 Raccoons. Parker 2-5, 2B, 2 RBI; Reece 3-5, 2B, RBI; Sharp 2-5, 2 2B, 3 RBI; Michel 2-3, BB, 2B; Farley 7.0 IP, 4 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 5 K, W (14-10);

Neil Reece retired David Brewer in the sixth inning in more-or-less breakneck fashion. One out, nobody on, Reece galloped after a high fly to deep, straight center, caught it at full speed on the warning track and then had no time to slow down before meeting the wall. Thankfully, the Titans had padded the outfield walls all around a few years ago, and once Reece was ejected again by the padding, he looked a little woozy, but was able to shake it off. No fourth DL tour this season for a broken face – yet.

Luke Newton came off the DL for the Saturday game. Not that anybody wants to see him in uniform anyway.

Game 2
POR: SS Guerin – 3B Sharp – CF Reece – RF Brady – 2B Ingall – LF Parker – 1B Michel – C Mata – P Ford
BOS: SS D. Silva – CF Garrison – RF Greenman – 1B G. Douglas – 3B Walker – LF Elizondo – 2B D. Mendez – C F. Diéguez – P O’Halloran

The Coons failed to generate a base runner until Guerin hit a leadoff single in the fourth but was starved on first base. O’Halloran and Ford both looked zeroed in on the opposing batsmen, with Ford only getting in danger whenever Ingall made an error, and that happened twice in the first five innings, both times putting two men on, but the Titans never scored, and the game was scoreless through five. The Raccoons were sat down straight for three innings after that, while Ford did not quite match that pace, but still tossed shutout ball through eight. O’Halloran did not return for the ninth, with the Titans instead sending their new (after the Bill Corkum trade) bullpen flagship, Ramiro Román, who got Guerin to foul out, gave Sharp his third K on the day, and got Reece to – oh, that one is high, higher – OUTTA HERE!!! Up 1-0, Ford returned for the ninth, but only got Elizondo before David Mendez hit a single. We scrambled, sent Reyes to pitch to Diéguez, but the Titans brought a left-hander in Mark Austin, who struck out, but Josh Thomas doubled to right then. That put the winning runs (for the Titans at least) in scoring position with two down and Daniel Silva batting. Donis replaced Reyes. There was really little use in walking Silva. They still had David Brewer and Luis Lopez on the bench to hit for Rudy Garrison. Donis had to get Silva, gave up a 1-0 fly to left center, and Parker made the play. 1-0 Coons! Reece 1-4, HR, RBI; Ford 8.1 IP, 4 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 6 K, W (7-16);

NEIL! REECE! THAT’S what we were missing all year long! Let’s not mention the three hits total we had in this game.

Also, the Alley Cats slugged through the Vanquishers and vanquished them, 9-6, to advance to the AAA championship for the second consecutive year. They will face the Cincy-aligned Glendale Sports. The 7-game series starts Monday, so we will not bring up any more prospects. I want the kids to win a title.

Game 3
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – CF Reece – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – 2B Ingall – 1B Martin – C Jackson – P Lopez
BOS: SS D. Silva – CF Garrison – RF Greenman – 1B G. Douglas – 3B Walker – 2B J. Zamora – LF Elizondo – C Williamson – P S. Gonzalez

Reece made it 1-0 for back-to-back games when he hit a sac fly scoring Parker, who had tripled, in the first inning. Lopez held up at first, and then sparked another offensive challenge in the third inning, hitting the first of three straight 1-out singles to load the bases for Reece. Neil ticketed one up the middle that eluded the infielders, Lopez scored, and was almost pushed home by Guerin dashing ‘round third behind him, 3-0. Brady walked, Sharp whiffed, and that brought up Ingall, who hit a 1-0 pitch to deep left center. Garrison first broke in, and after three steps noticed his capital mistake, pedaled back, but it was way too late: Ingall’s liner spotted the edge of the warning track, bounced off the wall and away from Garrison, and the bases got emptied on a 3-run triple! Gonzalez went for dinner at that point, and Mario Cruz stalled Ingall on third in a 6-0 game. It didn’t stay a 6-0 game for long, though, as the Titans began to push Lopez into a corner. Greenman plated a run in the bottom 3rd, and Lopez just barely got out of a tight spot in the fourth. The sixth saw the Raccoons rejuvenate the offense. With Parker on and two out, Reece hit a high deep one – gone with the wind! Lopez continued to hold up, but like Ford the day before got terminally stuck in the ninth inning and issued a pair of 1-out walks to Elizondo and Williamson. Nordahl struck out Fernando Diéguez, but Blanco then allowed Silva to plate a run, before the lights went out. 8-2 Raccoons. Guerin 2-5; Parker 4-5, 3B; Reece 2-4, HR, 5 RBI; Jackson 2-5; Lopez 8.1 IP, 8 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 3 BB, 3 K, W (8-15) and 1-4;

This sweep pretty much nails the division in favor of the Loggers. Odd thing is, just before the All Star break, we swept the Loggers in Milwaukee, which then cost them a comfy spot at the top of the division. Unfortunately for the Titans, the Loggers had ample time to get back into the race.

In other news

September 21 – For Dallas’ infielder Salvador Mendez (.317, 1 HR, 47 RBI) the season ends early with a quad strain.
September 22 – It took the Blue Sox almost six hours, but they clinched the FL East with a 11-5, 16-inning win over the Rebels on Friday. They qualify for their eighth playoff appearance, last getting there in 1998. The Blue Sox of course had a sparkling 80s dynasty when they won the East six out of seven years from 1983 to 1989, and won the championship twice. With the Raccoons and Condors eliminated, the Blue Sox set a new record for playoff appearances, leaving the other two teams in the dust with their seven October trips.
September 22 – In the same game, history is made, as Raúl Vázquez smashes a pair of home runs to first tie, then pass Michel Root for the career home run mark. Dennis Fried gives up the 338th shot to tie Root, while Jorge Escobar gets pierced for the new record mark and #339. Both home runs tie the game. These are HR #20 and #21 for the 34-year old Vázquez in 2000, and with the exception of the 1990 season, in which he only appeared in 25 games after suffering a badly busted ankle on April 21, has hit 17 or more dingers every year since 1987.
September 22 – DEN 3B/SS Zak Davidson (.331, 0 HR, 48 RBI) has a 20-game hitting streak going after he hits a single in the Gold Sox’ 7-1 win over the Wolves. Davidson already had a 22-game streak in 1999.
September 23 – Davidson’s streak is already ended after going 0-4 in the next game in Salem. The Gold Sox win 2-0.

Complaints and stuff

Daniel Richardson told me that he did not want to remain in Portland any longer. I told him that I don’t want him to remain in Portland any longer, either. We agreed to hate each other.

Our top 5 salaries on the current roster (this removes Cesar Gonzalez who would rank second on the list) this year:
Neil Reece - $1.1M
Jose Rivera - $750k
Miguel Lopez - $600k
Daniel Richardson - $600k
Marvin Ingall - $500k

Did we get a bang for our buck, huh!?

If you add about half of Gonzalez’ salary, you get $4M of our more or less $10M salaries going into those six. Half of the money has sat on the DL, and the other half was largely ineffective. Even Ingall has a terrible year. The few players with good years (Farley, Brady, Parker, maybe Martin after all) all played for minimum contracts of $120k.

[Westheim]

Raccoons (62-93) vs. Indians (62-93) – September 25-28, 2000

Both teams found themselves in the bottom of the division because they couldn’t score runs and couldn’t keep runs from getting scored. Sounds a bit like the irresistible force meeting the immovable object, and that over four games. The Coons had a leg up in the season series, 8-6.

Projected matchups:
Scott Wade (6-14, 4.64 ERA) vs. Manuel Alba (8-13, 4.01 ERA)
Paco Martinez (1-5, 4.68 ERA) vs. Ray Conner (1-3, 4.81 ERA)
Randy Farley (14-10, 3.53 ERA) vs. Chang-se Park (17-12, 2.79 ERA)
Ralph Ford (7-16, 4.62 ERA) vs. Steve Holcomb (7-15, 3.93 ERA)

Game 1
IND: SS Montray – 1B Cicalina – C Paraz – LF D. Lopez – 3B M. Brown – 2B J. Garcia – RF Fisher – CF Lugo – P Alba
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – 2B Ingall – C Mata – P Wade

Scotty was rolled over in the first inning, when the Indians scored three runs against mediocre pitches and indifferent defense, including an infield hit and a bloop that Sharp should have had in all honesty. Sharp hit a 2-out RBI single with the bags full in the bottom of the inning before Ingall struck out. Ingall’s sac fly would tie the score at three in the bottom 3rd then. Wade struggled however, and the tie only held up in the fourth because Reece threw out Sam Fisher at home plate. In the fifth, Mata failed to dig out a Jesus Garcia grounder that became a 2-out RBI infield single. Wade was limited to six innings of 4-run ball on nine hits. The Raccoons failed all across the board. They twice had two men on with less than two outs, and never could buy a hit. In the ninth, Miller loaded the bases. Donis came in to face Matt Brown, but Quintela hit for him and hurled another bloop between Parker, Sharp, and Guerin. 6-3 Indians. Parker 2-5; Sharp 2-4, RBI; Ingall 2-3, RBI; Mata 2-4;

The Alley Cats lost the championship opener, 1-0, with Marcos Bruno taking the loss in relief.

Game 2
IND: CF Maguey – LF Quintela – C Cicalina – 1B D. Lopez – 3B Whaley – RF Lugo – 2B Lepe – SS Gallegos – P Conner
POR: SS Guerin – 3B Sharp – CF Reece – 1B Martin – 2B Ingall – RF Parker – C Jackson – LF Richardson – P P. Martinez

In both of the first two innings, the Raccoons left pairs of runners on without scoring, before Ingall plated the first run of the game with a 2-out double in the bottom 3rd, and Ingall drove in another 2-out run in the bottom 5th. Martinez allowed only one hit over five innings, but the Indians began to figure him out. Matt Brown, in after Reynaldo Gallegos left early with an injury, hit an RBI double in the sixth. Freddy Jackson in turn tripled to start the bottom 6th, and was not scored because the useless Richardson struck out, and then came Martinez, and these were the Uttercoons after all. In the bottom 7th, Conner dished out leadoff walks to Sharp and Reece, but Martin hit into a double play. Ingall couldn’t come through a third time. The Raccoons put two more runners on in the bottom 8th, couldn’t score them, and Martinez had to hand his 2-1 lead to Donis, who didn’t give up anything hard. 2-1 Raccoons. Ingall 2-4, 2B, 2 RBI; Jackson 2-4, 3B, 2B; P. Martinez 8.0 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 4 K, W (2-5);

The Alley Cats fell behind two to nothing in the AAA title series, losing 5-4 to Glendale. They will play three at home from Thursday to Saturday – if things get that far…

In the general big picture, all three divisions that were still open in the majors could potentially be decided on Wednesday. The Warriors had a M# of 2, the Loggers and Thunder of 1.

Game 3
IND: SS Montray – 1B Cicalina – C Paraz – LF D. Lopez – 3B M. Brown – 2B J. Garcia – RF Alston – CF Fisher – P Park
POR: LF Parker – 2B Ingall – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – C Mata – SS Caddock – P Farley

Possibly Farley’s last chance at 15 wins this year, but the Indians pummeled him, starting in the third. Phil Montray got it going with a solo home run, but the Indians didn’t let up and scored three in the frame. Farley didn’t get out of the fifth then. Down 3-1, he loaded the bags with one out, and things went to **** in a hurry. Jesus Garcia grounded up the middle, but Ingall got it, threw to first – or in the general direction. The throw was in the seats. Ron Alston doubled in two, the Indians led by six, and this one looked like it had just gone down the drain. The Coons mustered something in the bottom 5th, but only scored one and left two on once more. That run was taken back from Kelly Fairchild right in the next inning, and a grand slam to Urbano Cicalina in the seventh. That was pretty much it for this thrashing, as the Indians had only ten hits, but nevertheless managed to plate a dozen runs of a horrendous Raccoons outfit. 12-3 Indians. Ingall 3-5, 2B, 2 RBI; Nordahl 1.1 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 2 K;

They also passed us for 11th place in runs scored. Yaay. Last week and it is still getting more and more horrible.

Game 4
IND: 2B Matthews – LF Quintela – C Cicalina – 1B D. Lopez – 3B Whaley – CF Maguey – RF J. Lee – SS Gallegos – P Holcomb
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 2B Ingall – 3B Sharp – C Mata – P Ford

Ralph reached 100 walks on the season with a free pass to Tomas Maguey in the second inning, which was already his third freebie given out on the night. Nobody had a hit through three innings, and Holcomb even faced the minimum. In the top 4th, Ford was then skinned, with the Indians taking the lead on a 2-run double by Maguey and plating three in total. The Indians rocked over Ford, who was knocked out by a 2-run home run by Adrian Matthews in the sixth, putting the score at 6-0. Then the Raccoons actually got back into a game from which they had been completely locked out so far. First it was Holcomb losing his marbles in the sixth, issuing a few walks and the woeful Coons plated two, and they got another pair on bases-loaded 2-out walks given out by Momsilo Plavsic to Martin and Ingall in the eighth. Once somebody poked, however, in this case an 0-3, 3 K Sharp, the inning ended on a fly to Maguey. Plavsic, while inept, still finished the game. 6-4 Indians. Schaefer 2.1 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 4 K;

Three hits in this one, and Hel-Lo, last place finish. Yeah, we are not actually mathematically nailed to last, but COME ON! You’ve been watching this human mess flub all over the field all summer just like me!

Coming home was no help to the Alley Cats, who were pummeled, 7-1, in game 3 of the AAA championships. They are now a loss away from … well. Losing.

Raccoons (63-96) vs. Loggers (91-68) – September 29-October 1, 2000

The Loggers came in three ahead of the Titans, so they had to win only one game in the series to clinch the playoffs. We arranged for some congratulatory flowers to be ended over before the series opener. Let’s get this pain over with.

Projected matchups:
Miguel Lopez (8-15, 4.91 ERA) vs. Martin Garcia (22-9, 2.36 ERA)
Scott Wade (6-14, 4.68 ERA) vs. Roberto Herrera (18-11, 4.64 ERA)
Paco Martinez (2-5, 4.25 ERA) vs. Vicente Perez (9-5, 4.25 ERA)

And oh hell yes, this is Martin Garcia going in the opener, and by the way, unless we blow him for like 15 runs (unlikely), he will win another pitching triple crown unless he didn’t win and OCT Aaron Anderson could somehow win TWO, and he was up by seven over SFB Tony Hamlyn in strikeouts, but Hamlyn had a blister and would probably not start again this year.

Furthermore, the Loggers also announced before the opener that they had extended Jorge Cruz for four years at a $3.4M price point.

Game 1
MIL: RF C. Ramirez – SS B. Hernandez – LF Hiwalani – 3B J. Cruz – CF Fletcher – C L. Ramirez – 2B Sullivan – 1B A. Baker – P M. Garcia
POR: SS Guerin – 3B Sharp – CF Reece – 1B Martin – 2B Ingall – RF Brady – LF Parker – C Mata – P Lopez

I lay awake all night having a picture – more like a film – in my head of Bakile Hiwalani, whom I despised with passion, hitting a game winning grand slam off Daniel Miller, whom I still liked a ton, in the ninth inning to clinch the division. It didn’t quite come to that. The Raccoons were defeated long before the ninth.

The Coons excelled in little, but left runners on third base with deadly precision, like in the fourth, when Martin arrived there with no outs. Garcia struck out Brady and Parker, and Mata was not hard to remove anyway. That was in the bottom 4th, and miraculously, the contest was still scoreless then, but the Loggers wound up Lopez in the fifth with a pair of 2-out base hits by Ramirez and Hernandez that gave them a 2-0 edge. Lopez became stuck for good in the seventh. Manuel Reyes came in, but brought no relief, instead he brought a souvenir for Jorge Cruz that became worth three runs once it passed Neil Reece and the centerfield wall. Bartolo Hernandez also got to hit a homer, while Garcia pitched eight shutout innings and whiffed seven. Even with an error and a wild pitch, the Raccoons were unable to score in the bottom 9th, either. 6-0 Loggers. Sharp 2-4, 2B; Martin 2-4; Ingall 2-4;

The Indians won, so that is that. Last place is ours!

For the Loggers, this will be their second playoff appearance only after 1994, and they have no World Series participations in franchise history. They are the second-to-last team to get to the playoffs at least twice, leaving only the Aces with one playoff appearance (1996).

Finally, the Alley Cats avoided elimination for the moment, claiming a 10-7 win over the Sports to get back to a three-one deficit in the AAA title series.

Game 2
MIL: SS B. Hernandez – 2B R. Morales – RF C. Ramirez – LF Hiwalani – 3B J. Cruz – CF Fletcher – C L. Ramirez – 1B Dean – P R. Herrera
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – CF Reece – 1B Martin – 2B Ingall – RF Brady – 3B Crowe – C Jackson – P Wade

Was this the final start as a Raccoon for Scott Wade? His contract was up and had yet to be renewed. Again, the game remained scoreless for some time, although it wasn’t all Wade’s merit. In the top 4th, the Loggers ran themselves out of a chance when Morales and Ramirez went for a double steal after Hiwalani had already popped out. Jackson nailed Morales, and Cruz flew out to deep center to end the inning. Ingall hit his fifth home run on the year to bring the Coons into a 1-0 lead, but that didn’t hold, as Bill Dean tied the score with a solo jack of his own in the next inning. Bottom 5th, runners in scoring position with one out, Parker fouled out. Reece came up, having walked twice on the day. Herrera again fell to three balls, before Reece put it in play and found a spot for it to drop safely for a go-ahead RBI single. Martin grounded out, and Wade came apart in the sixth, as the Loggers hit him five times, and scored four runs. The Inepticoons brought up the tying run twice in this 5-2 game, failing to plate anybody in either sixth or the seventh. Jerry Fletcher then did something to Dan Nordahl that I refuse to describe, but that didn’t leave it a 5-2 game anymore in the top 8th. The Raccoons got a pair of RBI doubles from Crowe and Jackson in the bottom of the inning, had the tying run up again – and failed. The Loggers didn’t fail to counter immediately in the ninth off Blanco, and anyway: the Raccoons were not going to turn this one around, either. 7-4 Loggers. Reece 1-2, 3 BB, RBI; Sharp (PH) 1-1; Brady 3-4, BB, 2B; Crowe 2-4, 2B, RBI; Jackson 2-4, 2B, RBI;

The Alley Cats won 6-3 on Saturday, sending the series back to Glendale for the final two games, which they will have to win just as well…

Good news is, I have to relax my sphincter just once more, let it happen, and then it will be over, and I can retreat to the woods to regroup what little mental sanity there is left.

I got warmed up for the finale, fittingly in a way, with Magnum’s “You’ll Never Sleep”.

Game 3
MIL: RF C. Ramirez – SS B. Hernandez – LF Hiwalani – 3B J. Cruz – 2B R. Morales – CF Fletcher – C L. Ramirez – 1B Costello – P V. Perez
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – CF Reece – RF Brady – 2B Ingall – 1B Michel – C Jackson – 3B Caddock – P P. Martinez

First play of the game, Brady comically not only misfielded, but MISFIELDED a Ramirez fly for a capital error. Hiwalani doubled Ramirez home, 1-0 Loggers. Reece tied the score with a sac fly. The next inning, Martinez bunted into a double play, and Brady hit into a double play to kill the Coons off in the third. Martinez was still holding up quite well, but after Reece and Ingall both missed home runs by not all that much in the bottom 6th, Leon Ramirez didn’t miss his chance in the seventh and broke the tie with a leadoff jack. Samy Michel didn’t leave Martinez on the hook, though, and hit a game-tying shot in the bottom of the same inning. Leon Ramirez came through for the Loggers again, pushing over the worthless Manuel Reyes in the eighth with a 2-out, 2-run single. Reyes also failed to retire Costello, and then PEREZ singled home a run. The final act of the season before the curtain fell over the ballpark (and possibly all of Coon City) saw Robbie Wills defending the 5-2 lead against the Coons. Ingall struck out. Michel rolled out to third. And Martin flew out to (gritting his teeth) Hiwalani. 5-2 Loggers. Jackson 2-3; Kent (PH) 1-1; P. Martinez 7.0 IP, 4 H, 2 R, 1 ER, 3 BB, 6 K;

**** Reyes.

In other news

September 27 – The Thunder are the second team to clinch a playoff spot, beating the Falcons, 9-4 to dump the Bayhawks. It will be the Thunder’s sixth playoff appearance and the first since 1995. They previously won the championship in 1994.
September 28 – CHA MR Enrique Hernandez (1-4, 3.11 ERA, 1 SV) is out early with a sore shoulder.
September 29 – While the Warriors lose at home to the Wolves, 5-3, the Scorpions also come up short at home, losing 2-1 to the Pacifics. That decides who wins the West, as the Warriors win the division for the fifth time, and for the fourth time since 1994, including last year. They won the title in 1978.
September 30 – A knee sprain has SAC C Lance Branch (.272, 7 HR, 78 RBI) fly home a few days early.

Complaints and stuff

By completely fudging up the final week of the season, the Raccoons successfully dropped to not only the second-worst record in baseball, last in their division, but also to an all-time record of 1,944-1,945.

Well done, boys.

Well done.

(repeatedly stabs an apple with a fruit knife)

---

On a different note, the forum randomly refuses my uploads, and Photobucket does so as well. Took me half an hour to get the pics someplace. Anybody in need of a $2,000 laptop with a shotgun blast in the screen, slightly offset to the right? Because that's what's going to happen soon.

[Trebro]

I know you want to get rid of a lot of these bums, but please be careful, I am pretty sure at least one current member of the team is plotting your death:

[Westheim]

Originally Posted by Trebro

I know you want to get rid of a lot of these bums, but please be careful, I am pretty sure at least one current member of the team is plotting your death:

Neil? Is that you?

But, yeah. All season long they made more of that impression on me:

Youtube - Raccoon Eats Grapes At The Dinner Table

Shoving their little mouths full, and when it was time to clean up the table, they vanished......

[Westheim]

Originally Posted by Orcin

Personally, I think your talent is better than your recent record. I would continue to prune the roster of players with poor cost-benefit ratios and take your chances with the rest. You have an impressive amount of roster depth, which could become more valuable in-season when injuries hit other clubs.

We will eventually have to come back to talk about this post, I fear.

[Orcin]

Yep, I missed the entire target on this one.

[Westheim]

Notes:
• For the second time, three ABL teams finished the season with 100 wins or more. The only other time this happened was in 1988, when the Stars, Blue Sox, and Indians all won 100 or more. Also, for the first time a team with 100 wins or more misses the postseason.
• Previous teams to win 100 games or more (* indicates champions, # indicates missed postseason):
113-49 (1991 WAS*)
108-54 (1996 POR, 2000 SFW)
107-55 (1986 DAL)
106-56 (1979 CIN, 1990 WAS*, 2000 OCT)
105-57 (1988 DAL*)
104-58 (1988 NAS)
102-60 (1986 VAN, 1989 NAS, 2000 SFB#)
101-61 (1978 SFW*, 1982 CHA, 1985 DEN*, 1996 SAC)
100-62 (1978 NYC, 1985 VAN, 1988 IND, 1993 TIJ, 1993 WAS)
So far, 100-win teams have won the championship at a 25% clip. Given that no 100-win team has ever missed the playoffs before, winning 100 wins in the regular season means squid in October, apparently.


The 2000 playoffs feature three former world championship teams, including the twice successful Blue Sox, who could tie their division rivals, the Capitals for the most titles among all ABL franchises. They will have to beat the Warriors first, though.

The 98-64 Blue Sox played mostly OBP ball, hitting only 88 home runs and instead slowly squished their enemies by constriction. Their lineup is dense, although they also have sluggers available in veteran Preston O’Day (.316, 23 HR, 109 RBI), who is 36 and has never won a title, and Pedro Edralín (.299, 14 HR, 82 RBI) and Cesar Gonzalez (.237, 16 HR, 75 RBI), who was acquired from the Raccoons mid-season. They will miss one of the best two or three centerfielders in the game, John Hensley (.267, 15 HR, 88 RBI), who sprained his ankle and will not be able to play in October.

Their rotation is solid, but lacks a #1 shutdown guy. They might well be described as having four #2 pitchers. Their bullpen was sturdy, and was especially untouchable in September, with closer Jorge Escobar running a 0.59 ERA, Francisco Rodriguez an 0.53 ERA, and Steven Anderson a 0.55 ERA in the last few weeks. Of note is their ability to draw the most walks in the Federal League, but at the same time walking the least opposing batters.

Throughout the bank, the 101-61 Warriors posted the more impressive numbers in 2000, beating the Blue Sox at their own OBP game, ranking first in that category, and fielding the best pitching staff in the Federal League, ranking outside the top 3 only in strikeouts. The offense also helped mask some slight issues with their rotation, or rather made them look better than they really were. 19-6 Lucio Munoz, 16-11 Pat Cherry, 15-7 Johnny Collins, and 16-8 Blair Taylor all won 15 or more games, but only the first two posted ERA’s better than four.

One interesting quirk about their lineup is that one of their best power hitters, Luis Arroyo (.274, 15 HR, 75 RBI), is out with a torn labrum, and now the top 2 home run hitters on the club are their two catchers: David Vinson (.226, 15 HR, 65 RBI) and Ruben Melendez (.283, 12 HR, 46 RBI), with Vinson getting the nod in most games, strangely. Infielders Jaime Mateo and Ramón Garza both got on base at roughly a .400 clip, but nobody came close to Hjalmar Flygt. The veteran will turn 38 during the FLCS, and has put down a .354/.455/.457 slash line with 4 HR and 61 RBI this year, posting the top OBP mark for the seventh time in his career, and the fourth year in a row. The back end of their bullpen is almost as impressive as the Blue Sox’ with William Henderson saving 40 games during the season.

All in all, the Warriors have an edge in most categories, but it is not a big edge, and this series could easily go either way.

In the Continental League, the 94-68 Loggers won a weakish Northern Division with repeat triple crown winner Martin Garcia (23-9, 2.28 ERA) rowing the boat out there. While they have an impressive bullpen, which ranked first in the CL, the rest of their rotation besides Garcia is actually porous, with none of the guys besting even a 4.50 ERA!

They survived merely on offense, but were quite impressive in that regard, with Leon Ramirez, Bartolo Hernandez, Cristo Ramirez, Jerry Fletcher, and Bakile Hiwalani (who hit 23 HR and drove in 137 runs) all batting over .300 during the year. They ranked first or second in most categories offensively, and not worse than sixth in any. However, they are a much, much better team against left-handed pitching, with the preferred lineup holding only one left-handed bat (Cristo Ramirez). While they have no significant injuries besides SP Davis Sims, who missed most of the season, they were basically a one-trick pony.

The 108-54 Thunder, with home field advantage throughout the playoffs, sport two right-handers in Aaron Anderson (22-9, 2.80 ERA) and Vaughn Higgins (15-9, 3.16 ERA), who might be tough nuts to crack for the Loggers offense, while they might have trouble with keeping southpaws Lou Corbett (17-8, 3.69 ERA) and Fabien Armand (14-11, 4.31 ERA) in the game. Their bullpen lacked reliable options besides Javier Navarro (0.79 WHIP) and closer Jimmy Morey (6-2, 1.73 ERA, 43 SV). Overall however, this combo still produced the lowest team ERA in the Continental League.

The offensive department of the Thunder was built all around slugging, with six guys hitting 15 home runs or more, and Sonny Reece and Takahashi Higashi leading the team with 21 each. Reece also drove in 117, and comes in with his share of playoff fame already under his belt, as he drilled the Thunder to the world championship with not one, but TWO game 7 walkoff home runs in 1994. They ranked first in most batting categories except runs scored (2nd), walks (3rd), and extra-base hits (4th), but they really can’t steal bases, mustering only 43 bags all season long. Despite that, they can build a well balanced lineup, platoon against either variation of pitcher, and are generally assumed to finish the Loggers in six games or less (probably less).

2000 CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES

Blue Sox @ Warriors … 3-1 … (Blue Sox lead 1-0) … NAS SP Dennis Fried 8.0 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 4 BB, 2 K, W;
Loggers @ Thunder … 3-2 … (Loggers lead 1-0) … MIL SP Martin Garcia 8.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 2 K, W; Leon Ramirez’ 3-run homer makes the difference, despite the Thunder outhitting the Loggers 8-3

Blue Sox @ Warriors … 4-7 … (series tied 1-1) … SFW Javier Encarnación 2-3, BB, HR, 3 RBI;
Loggers @ Thunder … 4-5 … (series tied 1-1) … OCT Aaron Anderson has a 3-0 lead go away with three unearned runs, but the Thunder strike back

Warriors @ Blue Sox … 5-0 … (Warriors lead 2-1) … SFW Johnny Collins 9.0 IP, 6 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 1 K, W;
Thunder @ Loggers … 9-7 … (Thunder lead 2-1) … OCT Bob Grant 3-5, HR, 2B, 3 RBI;

Warriors @ Blue Sox … 0-7 … (series tied 2-2) … NAS SP Dennis Fried 9.0 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 4 K, W;
Thunder @ Loggers … 2-3 (10) … (series tied 2-2) … OCT Lou Corbett 8.0 IP, 4 H, 2 R, 1 ER, 4 BB, 8 K; OCT Yohan Bonneau 2-4, HR, 2B, 2 RBI; Loggers walk off on a Rodrigo Morales single off Jimmy Morey

Warriors @ Blue Sox … 4-5 … (Blue Sox lead 3-2) … William Henderson takes the walkoff loss when Leborio Catalo singles home Jose Ramirez
Thunder @ Loggers … 5-3 … (Thunder lead 3-2)

Blue Sox @ Warriors … 1-5 … (series tied 3-3) … SFW Pat Cherry 8.0 IP, 2 H, 1 R, 0 ER, 1 BB, 7 K, W; SFW David Vinson 2-4, HR, 2B, 2 RBI;
Loggers @ Thunder … 3-2 … (series tied 3-3) … MIL Vicente Perez 8.0 IP, 3 H, 2 R, 0 ER, 1 BB, 2 K, W;

Uh my god, this was tense. Who’s gonna make it? The Blue Sox? The Loggers? The Thunder? The Warriors? Just who!?

Blue Sox @ Warriors … 1-2 (12) … (Warriors win 4-3) … NAS Francisco Rodriguez walks Ramón Garza with the bases loaded to exit his team from the playoffs
Loggers @ Thunder … 1-5 … (Thunder win 4-3) … OCT Vaughn Higgins 9.0 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 4 K, W; OCT Yohan Bonneau 2-4, HR, 2B, 3 RBI;

(exhales)

That was certainly closer in a lot of aspects than anybody would have dared to dream. The Thunder struggled to score on the Loggers, and in the CLCS there was very little scoring going either. If you noticed, most winning pitchers didn’t even allow an earned run.

But, this is the top stage after all! Can’t have no losers here!

Neither team suffered any injuries in their championship series, but also neither team did get any hitting done. The team to wake up their bats first, might well win! The Thunder might still have a tiny edge, but it’s really nothing to bet your house on.

2000 WORLD SERIES

Warriors @ Thunder … 1-5 … (Thunder lead 1-0) … OCT Lou Corbett 9.0 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 3 BB, 5 K, W;

Warriors @ Thunder … 2-5 … (Thunder lead 2-0) … OCT Fabien Armand 8.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 3 BB, 3 K, W;

Thunder @ Warriors … 2-4 … (Thunder lead 2-1) … SFW Roberto Vargas 3-4, 2 RBI; SFW Ramón Garza 2-2, BB, 2 2B, RBI; Vargas hits the game-winner in the bottom 8th in which Aaron Anderson blows up along with his 2-1 lead

Thunder @ Warriors … 11-3 … (Thunder led 3-1) … SFW Dafe Heffer 4-4, 2B; OCT Rob Guidry 2-4, HR, 2B, 4 RBI;

Thunder @ Warriors … 5-2 … (Thunder win 4-1) … OCT Lou Corbett 8.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 1 BB, 6 K, W; OCT Joey Humphrey 2-3, 2 BB, 2 RBI; SFW Dave Heffer 2-4, 3B, RBI;

In the end, it went a little quicker than anyone had thought, but it was Oklahoma to regain their swing first, while the Warriors slumped out to score just 12 runs in five games.

2000 WORLD CHAMPIONS
OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER
2nd title

[Westheim]

Now, before we get back to more serious business (and it will be very serious, I can tell you), here some lighter news, honoring baseball’s finest, and we have a paw in it.

The ABL Hall of Fame grew by two members to nine inhabitants total with the 2000 elections. The following players were selected:

DAL/RIC OF/1B Gabriel “Blockhead” Cruz (.294/.326/.506, 318 HR, 1,348 RBI, 89 SB)
Drafted seventh overall by the Dallas Stars in the 1980 amateur draft, this Mexican kid didn’t waste much time in the minors, making his debut in early 1981. He was with the Stars for eight years, hitting the majority of his 318 career home runs, 206 to be exact, for the Texans. After one year in Nashville, he moved on to the Rebels, for whom he played until 1995. He was a 6-time All Star, won the FL Gold Glove in leftfield twice (1982-83), and also won a pair of championships with the Stars, in 1983 and 1988. Cruz currently ranks 3rd in home runs, and 4th in RBI all time.

POR CL Grant “Demon” West (43-34, 2.12 ERA, 522 SV, 673 K)
The fourth overall pick in the 1979 draft was able to live a little boy’s dream. Born in Portland in 1957, West was drafted by his hometown team and spent his entire professional career with the organization, all the way through retirement after the 1995 season. West made his debut in 1980, and became the team’s closer the next season. The Portland dream team of the Raccoons and West, who didn’t lose a single one of his first 190 career games, eventually produced a pair of championships in 1992 and 1993. He was a 4-time All Star (all consecutively from 1983 to 1986), and once was the Pitcher of the Month, an extremely rare accomplishment for relief pitchers. The “Demon’s” 522 saves rank him third all time, with no challenger incoming for at least two to three years.

Let’s all cherish this moment of another great Raccoon going to the Hall of Fame – news won’t get better from here on out.

[Westheim]

One great hanging it up: Michael Root, who was overtaken for the career lead in home runs by Raúl Vázquez in September, retired at age 39. He could barely play the last few years, but will be remembered of his 8-year peak from 1984 to 1991, when he OPS’ed .921 or more (up to 1.081) for eight straight years. His 41 dingers in 1989 were the single season record mark – until Vázquez hit 42 in 1992. He’s the only superstar to call it a day this October.

---

The Coons had a $16,255,000 budget in 2000, spending all but $219,093 of that (and I counted all those dollars precisely!). This was the third-smallest budget in the league, and we had the tiniest payroll.

Let’s just say, it won’t get any better. Carlosito really doesn’t want to spend money for the annoying people in Portland that send him paper all the time. Balance sheets, income statements, horrendous taxes, and then they don’t even win games.

So, Carlosito is cutting down on the expenses he’s going to incur. The Raccoons will not get a bigger budget in 2001. They won’t even be able to spend as much. Instead they were culled to $15,750,000. How I am supposed to field a team with that change money is completely beyond me. The average budget in the league is $19.6M, the median is $19.3M.

The gains I assumed I would be able to make with the departure of manager Chad Klein and his admittedly gracious allowance completely vanish (and after promotion of hitting coach Lance Cox to manager, I still need to find a hitting coach, who will want to make some money, too…), and about $200k more. Wow.

…

Head -> Desk

…

Yeah, no. I have no clue how to do this. I was hoping to get somewhere to $17.5M or so, because, you know, WINNING COSTS MONEY, but no. No. Much the opposite.

I am actually deeply despaired at the moment.

This means a few things. Scott Wade did not retire. That means that I need him to sign a new contract ASAP, because he’s the cheapest end-of-rotation pitcher a last-place team can possibly get anywhere. I may sound negative on him, but don’t get me wrong: Wade was a thorough finesse pitcher in his day. But his day was last week, we’ve advanced a millennium, and he’s largely done. To get the bad news over quickly, Wade wanted a 3-year deal, and that was not something I was keen on. However, Wade was INSISTENT. So was I. We did not agree and he will test free agency.

Now, there is one more thing, and it has to do with SP Jose Rivera (1-4, 5.77 ERA). He was the CL ERA champion at 25, tore up his elbow at 26, and pitched like crap at 27. He was removed from the 40-man roster last season, but he still cashed in on $750k he was awarded in salary arbitration for the 2000 season. Vince says he’s a mess and advises to drop him, and that is exactly what we are going to do. That frees up $750k, which we will bitterly need, since these are the remaining arbitration- and free agency-eligible players (with the usual oodles, 2000 salary, arbitration estimate, and service time):

Salary arbitration:
SP Randy Farley (14-11, 3.59 ERA) - $120k - $600k – 3.000
MR Manuel Reyes (4-3, 3.09 ERA, 6 SV) - $120k - $240k – 3.073
CL Antonio Donis (3-3, 4.25 ERA, 28 SV) - $240k - $277k – 4.167
3B Mike Crowe (.214/.347/.291, 2 HR, 11 RBI) - $120k - $189k – 3.052
INF Steve Caddock (.187/.247/.306, 4 HR, 15 RBI) - $120k - $189k – 3.046
SS Conceicao Guerin (.271/.319/.365, 2 HR, 54 RBI, 23 SB) - $475k - $605k – 4.034
OF Luke Newton (.175/.270/.261, 0 HR, 24 RBI, 3 SB) - $195k - $215k – 5.116
LF/RF Clyde Brady (.268/.367/.394, 15 HR, 75 RBI, 2 SB) - $120k - $370k – 3.032

Free agents:
SP Scott Wade (6-15, 4.78 ERA) - $300k
MR Elliott Meeks (5-2, 2.93 ERA, 1 SV) - $310k
C Freddy Jackson (.302/.331/.371, 0 HR, 11 RBI) - $120k
LF/RF Daniel Richardson (.233/.281/.353, 7 HR, 43 RBI, 7 SB) - $600k

Okayokayokay, don’t panic. We cut Rivera, Richardson, Meeks, and Jackson (who was a mid-season minor league contract addition and will ask for proper money this time), that frees up $1.78M. Add in Crowe, Caddock, and Newton … yeah well, the effect is not there, because they mostly made minimum money, and we will have to bring someone in on minimum money (which will be $126k this year) anyway. That doesn’t mean we won’t dump that dead meat.

Extending Farley, Reyes, Donis, Guerin, and Brady at their mere estimates, however, will already cost almost $1.02M. And estimates are a thing. While I found Guerin overpaid last year, I find his raise way too generous as well. Brady looks too cheap to me. True, his second half was nowhere near his strong first half, but he still had a good season – say, on a team that wouldn’t live in the bin, he’d bat sixth and be dangerous down there. 15 homers are something.

Also, Vince now rates Brady about as good as Neil Reece, and keep in mind that Brady is ten years younger and at 24 can still trend upwards.

So we will probably need to spend about $1.3M on those five, leaving at best $500k from the guys we cut. That about covers our budget cuts.

And where are the improvements supposed to come from?

Great. So, if this were an airplane, the ****ing pilot just had a fatal heart attack, nobody can fly the ****ing airplane, and if you could be bothered to look straight ahead where we’re going now, then, yes, that’s ****ing Mount Hood.

[Trebro]

I'm curious, is your owner pocketing a profit?

Seems like the only hope is to get lightning in a draft bottle and pray the funds are increased to keep them. That's...sub-optimal.

[Westheim]

Last year, Carlosito made just under $1M in profit from this endeavour. Says the balance sheet, which I never understood.

Revenue and Expenses compared against each other shows an average of $4.8M of profit in the four years since Big Carlos passed away and left us alone in the dark with his misbehaving, unintelligent, arrogant, drug dealing brat of a son, who's not good for anything but catching a tan lying at some obnoxiously large swimming pool somewhere in godforsaken inner Mexico.

What is that? Mexico's calling? The heli's here? I have to come down there? Well, why would that be?

[Westheim]

Did I mention that the Alley Cats rallied from facing elimination in the AAA championships back to force a game seven, which they lost, 7-6?

Now I have.

---

I talked to a few players after the season was over to get this and that done. I tried to lock up Clyde Brady, but he wasn’t really in the mood for a 5-year contract. Concie Guerin was willing to talk, but somehow lived in a world where he deserved to make a million per season.

Nothing worked out. Absolutely nothing.

I soon went for the mountains, to spend a few quiet weeks at the Three Sisters. I didn’t take anything. No computer, no cell phone, not even a signal pistol to be rescued in case a bear was sitting atop the hut. To be precise, I was actually eager to attract a mad grizzly bear, but unfortunately I failed in my strolls through the woods to find any, despite all my best attempts at not showering nor washing and giving all I had to smell like a lady bear.

Fails. The history of my life.

Actually, once I was disturbed on my flank of my mountain. It was Slappy, the janitor. The Bayhawks had made a trade offer, sending outfielder Ramiro Cavazos for Manuel Reyes. Slappy was sent because nobody else dared to ignite my wrath upon being molested in my neck of the woods, and Slappy didn’t mind once told I’d have booze. (I didn’t; I only need it to go to sleep from April to September; strange huh?) I threw that trade out of the window unless the Bayhawks would be content with Andrew Schaefer instead. When Slappy didn’t return I was sure they wouldn’t and went back to watch the birdlife of the Cascades.

---

2000 ABL Awards:
Batting title: WAS RF/LF Vonne Calzado (.369, 10 HR, 109 RBI) and MIL RF/LF Cristo Ramirez (.334, 4 HR, 87 RBI)
Rookie of the Year: TOP 1B Ramón Echevarría (.272, 21 HR, 101 RBI) and IND C Jose Paraz (.256, 13 HR, 55 RBI)
Hitter of the Year: WAS CF/LF Victorino Sanchez (.362, 17 HR, 100 RBI) and OCT 3B/2B Sonny Reece (.333, 21 HR, 117 RBI)
Pitcher of the Year: SAC SP Whit Reeves (19-8, 2.58 ERA) and MIL SP Martin Garcia (23-9, 2.28 ERA; won second consecutive triple crown)
Gold Gloves (FL): SAC SP David Castillo, WAS C Jesus Rivera, LAP 1B Luis Soto, SFW 2B Dave Heffer, SAC 3B Felipe Rivera, SAC SS Jose Martinez, DEN LF Vincente Hernandez, NAS CF John Hensley, SAC RF Sam Green
Gold Gloves (CL): SFB SP Ricardo Sanchez, ATL C Johnny Johnson, LVA 1B Javier Vargas, POR 2B Marvin Ingall, OCT 3B Sonny Reece, BOS SS Daniel Silva, MIL LF Bakile Hiwalani, VAN CF Jorge Ledesma, OCT RF Artie Barnes

Marvin Ingall has won back-to-back Gloves now. Of our other three Glovers last year, Stephen Buell was traded and soon found himself in AAA, Neil Reece was hurt all year, and Concie Guerin made 13 errors rather than four this season.

---

I returned from my mountain shortly in late October, found out that the Thunder had won the World Series, acknowledged that Yohan Bonneau had hit four homers in the playoffs and hit for a 1.072 OPS, also saw that Sonny Reece was to be a free agent, then looked at our budget, cried again, dealt a scrub upstate, then resorted to dig further into other teams’ player material.

This quickly became frustrating. Bruce Boyle, David Castillo, Jose Lopez. Just a few players I checked out. When I checked my finances, I found out that I couldn’t afford them. To be precise: in case some madman would storm into my office and send me through the window with a blast from a sawed off shotgun, the team would not be able to afford a wreath for the funeral of my sorry remains.

Besides, Castillo vetoed a trade anyway. I understood that. As a 31-year old starting pitcher I wouldn’t want to be enchained in Portland, either.

While our offense was terrifying (although full seasons from Reece, Sharp, and Martin could maybe help a bit), it was our starting pitching that needed a hug. The abhorrent performances from the rotation in 2000 in turn routinely broke an overworked bullpen, which sent the runs conceded out of control. Yet, starting pitching doesn’t come cheap, and to be honest, what do we have to get started, anyway? There’s no doubt as to Randy Farley’s abilities. Ralph Ford would have been sent down if there had been any replacements available. Miguel Lopez was crap. Scott Wade was not much better than crap, and will leave town. We dump Jose Rivera. Paco Martinez is not an option, either.

This is alarming. We can not even fill the rotation. How on earth is team supposed to get through next season? I started by warning Vince in advance that we’d cut a bit on his Caribbean trips in 2001, and I also suggested that he’d travel not by plane, but rather by donkey. He responded in Spanish, which I didn’t understand, but I sure understood his gestures.

To be honest, most of these drab, wet, dark autumn days were spent with the forehead firmly planted on top of the desk, and I was hurting. While I had spent the last few years grasping for straws that might bring an upswing, this year there was no hope, because, … well:

Our budget meant we couldn’t even afford straw.

---

As salary arbitration approached, we offered the following amounts: Farley $625k; Reyes $240k; Guerin $610k; Brady $400k; we also offered arbitration to Wade and Richardson, who were compensation eligible (Meeks and Jackson weren’t); Rivera, Caddock, Crowe, and Newton were all granted free agency as we were cleaning house.

All four arbitration cases were decided in our favor, which greatly reduced the risk of me dropping instantly with a heart attack. Also, in other news, while Daniel Richardson rejected arbitration, Scott Wade accepted, and ended up with less money than I had initially offered for a 1-year deal…

October 20 – Two days earlier he hoisted the World Series trophy – now OF Royce Green is a Thunder no more. The 31-year old with a .282 average, 184 HR and 689 RBI, is traded to the Gold Sox for 35-year old MR Luis Estrada (64-49, 3.03 ERA, 48 SV).
October 27 – The Raccoons trade 27-year old SP/MR Kelly Fairchild (9-12, 5.22 ERA, 1 SV) to the Wolves for 24-year old C Mark Thomas (.297, 0 HR, 3 RBI in 37 AB).
November 2 – The Portland Raccoons and CL Antonio Donis agree on a $290k contract for 2001, avoiding arbitration.
November 4 – The Canadiens acquire Dallas’ MR Anthony Duhamel (20-27, 3.77 ERA, 13 SV), parting with two low-level minor leaguers.
November 11 – The Warriors acquire current ROTY 1B Ramón Echevarría (.271, 21 HR, 107 RBI) from the Buffaloes and send over 29-year old 3B Gabriel Rodriguez (.284, 3 HR, 38 RBI in 232 AB) and a non-prospect.
November 13 – Portland’s SP/MR Scott Wade receives a 1-yr, $315k contract in salary arbitration.
November 17 – The Crusaders and Raccoons agree to a deal that sends 30-yr old SP Cipriano Miranda (50-72, 4.40 ERA) to Portland in exchange for AAA MR Mike Collins and prospect CL Bob Evans.
November 17 – The Condors acquire 25-yr old LF Jack Bishop (.248, 2 HR, 60 RBI) from the Pacifics for 27-yr old 3B Eric Wallace (.293, 2 HR, 21 RBI) and prospect CL Mickey McGrath.

While Miranda might not make this team a winner (oh and not by a long shot!), it is a move to shore up the rotation. We have so many young relief pitchers pushing up, we can easily part with one (Evans), and Collins did nothing but anger me in parts of two seasons in Portland. I feel like we lost nothing, but gained a pitcher. He projects to be our #3 man behind Randy & Ralph. It’s been 23 years since a Miranda wound up for the Coons, I think I’m over it. (gloomy look) This Miranda makes $490k in his final year of arbitration eligibility, so we are facing to lose him in one year’s time. Plus I will fail to type Cirp- … Cimp- … Cipa- … his name for the next year.

In all honesty, the Buffaloes GM should be shot. How the Warriors got that trade done is completely beyond me. That Rodriguez guy involved is a former Raccoon, by the way. He was part of the 1997 explosion, and didn’t resurface in the majors until last year.

Also, I noticed only now that OF Jeffery Brown has retired. He had a career .323/.393/.460 slash with 274 HR, 1,545 RBI, and most important 3,582 career hits. He is the career record holder in hits, runs (1,700), games (2,928), RBIs, and total bases (5,104). His closest challenger in the hits department may actually be Milwaukee’s Cristo Ramirez, who has 2,448 knocks at age 31 and ranks 13th overall. While there are certainly a few other players closer in the hits table, they are all nearing the end of the rainbow.

In a blatantly obvious salary dump attempt, the Knights have offered us Vern Kinnear for two scrubs, including George Morris. You know, we HAVE an opening in leftfield that is exactly Vern-sized. His first year in Atlanta was stellar, his second year was average, and last year they used him as backup. However, we are going to choke on the $1.06M he is due each of the next two years. Oh dear baseball gods, as much as I want to make that trade, we just can’t …!! (breaks into tears)

[Westheim]

No, we can not trade for Vern Kinnear. I would love to have him, I would, but – no. I mean, he’s not going to set the world on fire judging by his last two seasons, and probably wouldn’t best Chris Parker by much. There is one point I thought about this morning. When you play badly, at least play badly with players you like. Makes you commit less (usually bad) snap reactions. But Kinnear is due $2.12M over two more years, and that’s just not going to happen. Cranbourne’s Finest can’t return home.

In the second decade of November (is that even a thing in the US? Three decades to a month?), I was looking around to shop spare parts (do we actually have spare parts?). I was astonished how virtually everybody around the majors seemed to be earning a million bucks now. Of course, the Raccoons weren’t, except for Neil Reece. It was absolutely impossible to get any deals done.

It wasn’t hard identifying needs. The Raccoons needed lots of everything. I even had two or three or four players in mind to trade (and you might be stunned by some of them), but we just couldn’t muster the cash to pay for any significant improvements.

That’s it. The Raccoons are assured their second 100-losses season and it is only November.

Looking for an improvement for leftfield that was not batting left-handed, I eventually came back to Ramiro Cavazos, whom the Bayhawks had offered earlier. The Bayhawks were looking for relief pitching to shore up a sometimes dismal bullpen. They were keen on Reyes and Donis, but I eventually got them to settle for less, although it cost one of Vince Guerra’s international discoveries.

And that wasn't all.

November 21 – The Scorpions grab themselves two of the best free agents on the market, giving a 3-yr, $5.76M contract to 33-yr old RF/LF Vonne Calzado (.338, 101 HR, 910 RBI), who has 2,192 career hits and spent the last five years with the Capitals, AND going further out splurging, adding ex-OCT 3B/2B Sonny Reece (.314, 84 HR, 608 RBI). Reece’s contract sets a new record for total contract value in the ABL, as Reece signs on for six years and $12.48M. The two trades add a combined 13.5 WAR for the Scorpions.
November 21 – The Crusaders re-sign their old closer Dane Sanders (33-32, 2.51 ERA, 122 SV) for 2-yr, $2.56M, while they also add to their bullpen with the addition of ex-CIN Leonardo Sosa (28-20, 2.84 ERA, 55 SV) for 3-yr, $2.46M.
November 21 – The Canadiens and Condors spin the trade wheel, with 25-yr old RF Matt MacKey (.228, 11 HR, 32 RBI) heading south 28-yr old 3B Alfredo De Jesus (.287, 2 HR, 92 RBI) going north, together with a prospect.
November 22 – The Falcons have added 1B Luis Soto (.279, 21 HR, 162 RBI), who is 25, and in return send 26-yr old SP Wyatt Coleman to the Pacifics. Coleman is 11-10 with a 4.40 ERA for his career.
November 24 – The Condors sign 27-yr old ex-IND C/1B Urbano Cicalina (.291, 43 HR, 261 RBI) for 6-yr, $10.2M.
November 25 – The Raccoons acquire 26-yr old OF Ramiro Cavazos (.264, 15 HR, 118 RBI) from the Bayhawks, and send over 32-yr old MR Andrew Schaefer (21-15, 4.06 ERA, 8 SV), who started his career with the Hawks in 1991, and 18-yr old prospect CL Salvadaro Soure.
November 26 – Former Indian 1B/3B Matt Brown (.286, 145 HR, 594 RBI) joins the Buffaloes for 5-yr, $10.6M.
November 26 – Ex-DAL SP Lewis Donaldson (63-76, 4.48 ERA) hooks up with the Cyclones for 4-yr, $6.72M.
November 27 – The Titans acquire former Bayhawk 1B/2B Hector Ramirez (.293, 22 HR, 404 RBI) for $11.4M over six years.
November 28 – Former Condor SP Sylvester Clark (51-50, 4.70 ERA) joins the Rebels team on a 5-yr, $5.2M deal.
December 1 – Rule 5 draft: 15 players are taken, including former star pitcher Manuel Movonda first overall by the Knights. The Raccoons draft 28-yr old INF Max Heart from the Aces, as well as 27-yr old LF/RF Gilberto Flores from the Indians.
December 3 – The Condors add genuine slugger OF Jeff MacGruder (.265, 114 HR, 438 RBI), who is 28, for six years and $11.28M. MacGruder was with the Wolves.
December 3 – The Condors also deal with the Capitals, sending over C Rusty Washington (.278, 12 HR, 103 RBI) and a minor leaguer, getting in return SP Manuel Pineda (8-7, 4.72 ERA) and a pitching prospect. In addition to that, they trade LF/RF Michael Sanders (.315, 26 HR, 259 RBI), who has turned 31, to the Crusaders, in turn acquiring reliever Mark Martin (1-0, 0.79 ERA in 9 G) and potentially hot catching prospect Richie Armstrong.
December 3 – 38-yr old SP Carlos Guillén (178-194, 3.54 ERA) will make $850k for one year in the Loggers’ rotation after going 10-18 for the Aces last season.
December 4 – The Miners deal OF Fernando Vasquez (.261, 10 HR, 146 RBI) to the Pacifics, adding MR Stéphane Bastide (6-7, 4.68 ERA, 3 SV) instead. The Miners are also busy with the Canadiens, parting with C Jose Esquivel (.280, 19 HR, 204 RBI), and getting SP Jose Marquez (46-67, 4.14 ERA) and a minor leaguer.
December 5 – 32-yr old veteran Rory Gorden (.253, 111 HR, 763 RBI) is traded from the Condors to the Rebels, along with a prospect received from the Miners earlier, for 30-yr old MR Jorge Reyes (17-15, 4.29 ERA).
December 5 – At 35, C David Vinson (.239, 123 HR, 608 RBI) is traded back to the Continental League, going from the Warriors to the Thunder in exchange for SP Lou Corbett (99-77, 4.17 ERA).
December 5 – Former Gold Sox closer Javier Rivera (26-26, 2.45 ERA, 162 SV) will get paid by the Buffaloes from now, due $3.66M over the next three years.
December 6 – The Raccoons strike a big deal with the Gold Sox, trading CL Antonio Donis (23-28, 3.95 ERA, 29 SV), 1B/2B Samy Michel (.228, 7 HR, 40 RBI), and SP Paco Martinez (10-8, 3.25 ERA) for one of the finest young starting pitchers in the game, SP Carl Bean (45-45, 3.93 ERA).
December 7 – The Gold Sox acquire 30-yr old 1B Glenn Douglas (.279, 73 HR, 451 RBI) from the Titans for 29-yr old SP Millard Wilson (31-55, 4.41 ERA).

---

The Cavazos trade achieved several things. First, it gives us a potentially lethal bat (although you have to subtract 150 points of OPS of any batter heading to Portland), also a switch-hitting bat, which we didn’t have any meaningful of once we traded Cesar Gonzalez last summer, and also opens a spot in the bullpen to potentially open the 2001 season with prospect Marcos Bruno added from AAA. Bruno’s stuff is elite, and his fastball might reach 99 mph, but also has a sink to it that induces lots of groundballs. He’s 18 months removed from being a first round pick. I should mention however, that he was the main factor in the AAA team losing the championship, taking four losses in 11 appearances in the playoffs…

That’s your Raccoons! Every Critter has its flaw! Erase that. I meant “flaws” of course.

---

I’m revved up over the Bean trade! At first glance, it looks like I went nuts for good, but I really didn’t. No, trust me on this one, really. Bean, who’s 26, had a horrible rookie year in 1998, which completely soils his numbers. He won 37 games the last two seasons combined, struck out 386, and his ERA+ was 127. Vince rates him 14/13/13 which is as balanced as starting pitchers come, and he induces groundballs. Also, the run environment in the Federal League is inflated in relation to the Continental League, with a 4.30 ERA about average for the last five years. In the CL, we’re just below four for an average. Bean will make $850k (chokes), but will be arbitration eligible twice more, buying this shoddy outfit here some time to round up funds.

What did we give up for Carl Bean? Paco Martinez might be a back-end starter, but we have some of those already. Michel has no upside compared to Albert Martin and is expendable. The third part and perhaps the most significant part in the trade, Antonio Donis, has been (along with Michel and others) on my trade piece list from the beginning. It was either him or Reyes as a closer for next year with Nordahl not getting things done at all, and Vince recommends keying on Reyes. Donis posted ERA’s over four in three of the last four seasons, and while that includes an 0-9 campaign in ’97, where he started the season in the rotation, he’s not been getting it done as a closer, either. Reyes started abysmally after coming over last summer, but was a little less crap in the final two months of the season. That’s Vince arguing, not me. I hate that sucker. But I gotta play the cards I’ve been dealt…

After all, starting pitching is what killed this team for more than 50% last year. It killed the bullpen as well (I elaborated a bit on how Daniel Miller was overcooked at one point in August, but it was more or less true for everybody except Donis, who was never used as the closer…), and led to 826 runs allowed, second-worst in the CL. The addition of Bean and Miranda, and purging Rivera, as well as now moving Wade to the bullpen once more, should help the pitching staff a great deal overall.

---

I saw Movonda in the rule 5 draft, and he had a 5-ish ERA for Salem last season before being designated for assignment. I thought about it, but then I saw that he still is owed $1.2M for 2001. It gets repetitive, doesn’t it?

It’s the first time in AGES that the Raccoons have picked anybody in the rule 5 draft, too. I don’t even know when it could have been. I DO remember Steven Berry being a rule 5 draft, and that might have been …… 1988? Nothing after that.

Max Heart and Gilberto Flores are nothing special and are penciled in as backups. But if your previous backup was looking to be Jason Kent, then Flores is a BIG improvement, and you can’t do much worse than Steve Caddock as your backup infielder. Heart is not as adept at fielding, but I believe that he has a real shot at hitting .215 ...

---

At the completion of the Winter Meetings, the Raccoons have shed 15 players (not counting half a dozen minor league scrubs electing free agency), have added just six, but gained 12 WAR.

However, I will now quell any euphoria with the following annotation: the Raccoons ranked third in both of the last two winter periods, adding 3.7 and 6.4 WAR, respectively, and then went on to donk their records by eight games twice in succession. Now that we are up by 12 WAR, I guess our 2001 season will come around to something like 42-120?

---

Hold on for one more second. At the very end of the winter meetings, the Bayhawks came back to me with another proposal. They offer INF Bob Hall (.279/.349/.408, 51 HR, 361 RBI) and a scrub for Randy Farley.

That’s obviously not a good deal. Also, Hall makes almost a million bucks next year and will then be a free agent. But Hall would slot in nicely at second base. And who else is left on my trade chips list?

Marvin Ingall.

[Westheim]

With our recent dealings, we were already precariously close to hitting the ceiling of our budget. As of December 7, the last day of the winter meetings, there was less than $100k of budget space available, but that was before we could twiddle with the scouting and development budgets, which would have to take a cut. We could probably scratch out another $500k this way (with Vince not being amused in the least…)

That’s where the Bayhawks offer of Bob Hall comes in again. Hall is 27, plays well defensively, but he also batted for a .844 OPS with 14 homers last season (which is just one off our team lead last year…). While his average has remained remarkably consistent since he’s become a full time player, batting between .281 and .293 every year, his OBP has also gone up. He is due $960k this season, and will be a free agent after the end of game 162.

Now, some math. Even if he manage to scratch $500k off scouting and development, that doesn’t stink up to $960k. Also, we will never trade Randy Farley away. But if we could find the right combo of Marvin Ingall and a right-handed reliever or a prospect, we might turn this ship around. Ingall is due $500k in the last year of the 4-yr, $2M deal he signed after the 1997 season. That means we could spend as much as $1.1M. And it is impossible to keep Ingall as a backup, since a team with that puny a budget can ill afford to spend 3% of that on a backup infielder. But we can sort out our backup situation (besides rule 5 pick Max Heart) later – first we got to trick the Bayhawks into trading Hall for Ingall plus change.

While the Bayhawks were not all that against Ingall, I quickly found out that the only player other than Farley that would really swing their mood to an affirmative “mmkay”, was Manuel Reyes.

Which was problematic just as well, because if we trade Reyes, our closing candidates suddenly become Daniel Miller and Dan Nordahl, there’s NO money left to acquire a free agent, and we have to ask ourselves whether we will have gained anything after all?

And no, neither Miller nor Dahl (see what I did there) had any value in their eyes (oh bugger). Miguel Lopez didn’t make it click either. Next up in their hot list were Clyde Brady and Ralph Ford. But Ingall + either of them + Giuseppe Loffredo (the A level pitcher they initially wanted to be packaged up with Farley) didn’t cut it either. Neither did only Reyes and Loffredo.

Uuuaaah. The pains!

I checked around second basemen for a good while, trying to find something that would best Marvin Ingall, while not making seven figures. It was hard. If you wanted a significant improvement, you had to grab for the top talent available, like Boston’s Mark Austin. And the Titans GM gave me a real bewildered look when I offered Ingall and Reyes, and then asked “There are four more to a sixpack, you know?”.

A prime trade candidate for a team that still had some breathing bodies left were the Condors and middle infielder Juan Barrón. He was 28, had 1,500 and some hits already under his belt, and was an elite and consistent OBP guy who could steal 20 bags or more. Lining him up with Guerin on top of the order, followed by Reece, Martin, Brady, and Sharp … he was also a switch hitter, but the Condors weren’t all that dumb and with Ingall and Reyes in the deal weren’t even close to agreeing.

Back to Bobby and the Bayhawks. Or maybe something else? Jesus Palacios of the Knights was a potential improvement over Ingall. They were even willing to talk and had needs at every position, including grounds crew. However, they were also cash-strapped and that was a very limiting factor in the discussions.

Career numbers
RHB Bob Hall: .279/.349/.408, 51 HR, 361 RBI, 7 SB in 2,919 AB
SHB Juan Barrón: .318/.356/.408, 16 HR, 524 RBI, 130 SB in 4,927 AB
LHB Jesus Palacios: .286/.332/.391, 32 HR, 207 RBI, 62 SB in 1,753 AB
RHB Marvin Ingall: .281/.344/.377, 38 HR, 304 RBI, 2 SB in 2,847 AB

Palacios has a weak arm, limiting him to the right side of the diamond. Hall has no speed. They are all between 25 (Palacios) and 28 (Barrón), and with their age slides their salary. Mind that Ingall is 32, but the cheapest of all of them.

And no, trading Randy was NOT an option. The rotation containing him, Bean, Miranda, Lopez, and Ford was the bare minimum which I considered sustainable in an attempt to reach an even record.

Sometimes I would really love to have one of those Winston Thompson moments again. Grab a player from the discard pile, a player nobody wants, and he magically transforms into a maybe not great, but good player and a keystone to your medium-future success. Winston Thompson had all of 27 AB in the Bigs when we added him before the 1983 season for almost no money. For the next six years, he got on base at a .367 clip and defended everything we entrusted him with. He was also a victim of 1988, and never played for another big league team after being granted free agency at 34.

I think, the last Winston Thompson moment, the last discard pile moment was when we claimed Bobby Quinn off waivers from the Capitals. That was 12 years ago.

I haven’t had such a moment since.

December 15 – Star 1B/2B David Brewer (.331, 76 HR, 798 RBI) settles on the Stars’ 2-yr, $3.28M offer.
December 21 – Ex-VAN CL Enrico Gonzalez (38-27, 2.74 ERA, 195 SV) signs a 3-yr, $4.22M deal with the Condors.
December 25 – 37-year old LF Dale Wales gets the green light for his quest onto 3,000 career hits, as the Wolves add him for 2-yr, $3.66M. Wales is a career .316 batter with 140 HR and 1,269 RBI. Having amassed 2,922 career hits one has to ask themselves where he would be without chronic injuries plaguing him.
December 26 – Another 37-year old falls softly, as SP Vernon Robertson (191-149, 3.70 ERA) joins the Loggers on a 2-yr, $2.72M deal.
December 28 – The Loggers continue to switch out their rotation, adding ex-CIN Marc Padgett (116-102, 4.32 ERA) for 2-yr, $1.6M.
December 29 – The Thunder agree to terms with 31-yr old ex-SAL 2B/SS Kuang Liu (.262, 67 HR, 460 RBI), who signs a 2-yr, $3.56M deal.
December 31 – And the Thunder strike again, adding ex-TOP CL Sancho Rivera (18-20, 2.96 ERA, 111 SV) at a 3-yr, $4.56M point.

[Westheim]

January.

The Knights were happy to make that Palacios/Ingall/Reyes trade, but I wasn’t and they couldn’t. Trading them just Ingall and Reyes didn’t work, because they were overbudget and could not take on any salaries, and Ingall’s and Reyes’ deals combined exceeded Palacios’. So I needed a second player from them, and had my eye on something, but then they wouldn’t want to do the trade, and so on.

There are happier ways to spend one’s time, and this one started in early December… We got it done, though, eventually, but it did cost Ingall AND Reyes.

That left us two arms short in the bullpen, or one arm short if you counted on Marcos Bruno. Vince did, but shook his head when I asked him whether he would help with our vacancy at closer. We moved ahead quickly and added Marcos Bruno to the 25-man roster in late January, with funds chronically insufficient as things were. Bruno, 24, was one of our two first round picks in the 1999 draft, the other (and higher pick) being Darwin Tyler, an outfielder about to bust in A ball.

The Thunder made an offer to swap catchers, Jason Briggs for Julio Mata, but Briggs wouldn’t give us that much more either way, and I still hang on to hope that Mata has a better season than last year (we kinda have to). The only thing to be gained from Briggs coming on in a trade would be $63,000 more of salary to pay for.

I made a move on a potential closer in Nobuyoshi Matsui, but he was insisting on a deal upwards of $800k (yes, that’s for one year), and that was impossible for us. With the most excruciating pain, I could have made something happen for $600k, but that was just impossible for us (and he ended up with the Cyclones before the month was over, signing for $740k). There was one more option left at AAA in a healthy-again Manuel Martinez, but he pitched to a nifty 9.24 ERA last season. He has 27 walks and 16 K’s in the Bigs in 28.1 innings over parts of two seasons. And a torn triceps in between.

January 3 – The Buffaloes ink ex-ATL CL Roberto Delgado (46-40, 3.35 ERA, 132 SV) for a cost of 2-yr, $2.56M.
January 7 – The Raccoons and Knights agree on a 6-player deal, with the Raccoons sending 32-yr old INF Marvin Ingall (.281, 38 HR, 304 RBI) and 25-yr old MR Manuel Reyes (13-16, 4.33 ERA, 9 SV) to the Knights for an array consisting of 25-yr old 2B Jesus Palacios (.286, 32 HR, 207 RBI), 25-yr old INF/LF/RF Manny Gabriel (.500 in 2 AB), 18-yr old A level P Cesar Lopez, and 27-yr old AAA 2B Butch Kaustrop.
January 7 – The Titans and SP/MR Steven Snyder (54-49, 3.79 ERA) agree to terms on a 2-year deal. The 33-year old ex-Canadien will make $1.57M.
January 9 – Former Rebels fireman Lawson Steward (66-67, 2.20 ERA, 592 SV), who ranks second all-time in saves, moves over in the FL East, signing a 2-yr, $3.1M contract with the Buffaloes.
January 11 – Ex-TOP MR Nick Lee (32-20, 2.72 ERA, 79 SV) signs a 1-yr, $720k contract with the Crusaders.
January 12 – New record contract: 7-yr, $13.3M is the final prize the Gold Sox have to pay for ex-ATL C Johnny Johnson (.296, 30 HR, 305 RBI). The 26-year old’s market value thus beats out Sonny Reece’s $12.48M deal.
January 12 – The Warriors are not idle either in the busy FL West and add former Bayhawks CL Ryosei Kato (25-30, 3.02 ERA, 108 SV) for 3-yr, $4.32M.
January 13 – The Indians trade SP Steve Holcomb (24-55, 4.39 ERA) to the Thunder for INF/LF/CF Mike Jones (.291, 11 HR, 121 RBI) and pitching prospect Carroll Patterson.
January 25 – The Raccoons flip AAA 2B Butch Kaustrop to the Thunder for 20-yr old AAA MR Lawrence Rockburn.
January 25 – The Loggers add a reliever in former Condor Juan Gomez (42-52, 2.79 ERA, 120 SV). The 35-yr old will net $1.4M over two years.
January 29 – Veteran SP Jon Robinson (155-137, 3.81 ERA) signs with the Condors after two years with Sacramento, and will make $2.91M over three years.

Palacios is our new 2B starter, and I intend to keep Gabriel on the 25-man roster as second backup. He also bats left-handed (like Palacios) and will basically take over from Steve Caddock, and hopefully hit 100 points more than him. Also, our other backup infielder, Max Heart, bats right-handed.

Kaustrop is a filler in the deal (and was flipped to the Thunder after we refused their catcher swap that would also have swapped AA CL Sergio Vega for Rockburn, and they didn’t accept Gary Fifield for just Rockburn), but Cesar Lopez is an interesting beast. This 18-year old Puerto Rican has mostly pitched in relief in A ball for the Knights, but Vince thinks it would be worth the hassle to convert him to a starter. He’s not like Wade (he has three pitches), nor like Donis (he has stamina). It should be an interesting experiment, and we will start him in A ball again in 2001, this time as a fixture in the rotation.

In the end, the deal was almost salary neutral. Marvin Ingall was pissed to be traded to a different last place team, though.

[Westheim]

I tried to find a strongman for the back end of our bullpen. John Hatt, last with the Condors, but eight years with the Crusaders, was still available, but said he had a $910k offer from the Loggers that I plain failed to match. Hatt only had 81 saves, but that was only 15 off the grand total of everybody currently on our roster…

February 2 – Another huge contract is signed, as the Loggers take on 26-yr old INF Mark “Hellraiser” Hall (.283, 67 HR, 413 RBI) for 7-yr, $11.82M. Hall comes over form the Falcons.
February 2 – 32-yr old ex-SAC INF Jose Martinez (.257, 24 HR, 339 RBI) signs with the Crusaders, getting $4.63M over the course of the next four years.
February 4 – Washington signs former Buffalo SP Dave Bond (56-70, 4.71 ERA) for 2-yr, $1.56M.
February 5 – The Raccoons claim right-handed MR Bill Lewis off waivers from the Knights.
February 9 – The Condors keep adding, their newest addition being ex-TOP C Carlos Ramos (.297, 68 HR, 387 RBI), who goes to Mexico for 4-yr, $5.28M.
February 11 – The Canadiens sign former Condor, 28-yr old LF/RF Arturo Lopez (.258, 51 HR, 279 RBI) for 2-yr, $1.5M.
February 13 – The Loggers formally announce that they have signed ex-TIJ MR John Hatt (32-26, 3.41 ERA, 81 SV) for $830k for one year.
February 18 – 36-yr old C Andres Manuel (.268, 67 HR, 626 RBI) moves from New York to Boston for the next year, getting paid $680k.
February 28 – The Raccoons and MR Elliott Meeks, 30, agree on a 1-yr, $350k deal.

In the end, Meeks was the best option we could pay for. That still makes Miller the assumed closer, unless Nordahl at age 21 shows he has it. And I doubt that. With that $350k deal we were virtually out of options. We could not take on any more salary. That’s what a bottom level budget gives you. We would love to, but we can’t … do any better than this.

It’s March 31. We have two minor league contracts offered to a tenth catcher and to INF Eisuke Sato, who left us in the fall through minor league free agency. That’s it.

[Westheim]

2001 PORTLAND RACCOONS – Opening Day Roster (first set shows 2000 numbers, second set overall; players with an * are off season acquisitions):

SP Randy Farley, 27, B:R, T:R (14-11, 3.59 ERA | 39-30, 3.16 ERA) – sometimes struggled in his third season in the Bigs, but he has nevertheless been very consistent and managed to raise his strikeouts slightly compared to earlier. Mixes pitches well and also keeps the ball on the ground.
SP Carl Bean *, 27, B:R, T:R (20-12, 3.21 ERA | 45-45, 3.93 ERA) – acquired from the Gold Sox for Antonio Donis, Samy Michel, and Paco Martinez, Bean has very good stuff and whiffed 386 batters over the last two seasons, and a high-K hurler is something that the Raccoons haven’t had in a very long time.
SP Ralph Ford, 23, B:L, T:L (7-17, 4.77 ERA | 9-19, 4.65 ERA) – his first full season in the majors was more than just rough, with 102 walks the most glaring issue in the 183 innings he delivered. If he cuts down on those, his stuff would certainly be sufficient to become a frontline starter.
SP Cipriano Miranda *, 30, B:R, T:R (13-13, 4.29 ERA | 50-72, 4.40 ERA) – traded for the with the Crusaders (for Mike Collins and a prospect), Miranda won’t get the park onto its feet in excitement, but should to a sufficiently good job in the middle of the rotation for a team that tries to get out of last place.
SP Miguel Lopez, 32, B:S, T:L (8-16, 4.89 ERA | 77-65, 3.60 ERA) – ravaged by injuries, Lopez was ineffective for the most part of the 2000 season, managing only 169 innings in 31 starts. Several serious injuries have very much ruined a very promising career.

SS/MU Scott Wade, 38, B:R, T:R (6-15, 4.78 ERA | 166-137, 3.58 ERA, 52 SV) – in a season where the entire pitching staff was in trouble, good old Scott was no exception. As he enters his 17th major league season, all with the Coons, Wade will be used in a swingman role, which might be the best role for an aged finesse pitcher: throw him at holes and make him stick.
MR Elliott Meeks, 30, B:L, T:R (5-2, 2.93 ERA, 1 SV | 24-16, 3.51 ERA, 16 SV) – resigned after becoming a free agent, which in turn he became after missing the last one and a half months of his first season in Portland due to injury. He was mostly reliable when he pitched, although he also blew up a few times, like everybody on the staff.
MR Marcos Bruno, 25, B:R, T:R (rookie) – first round pick in 1999, he started out at AA and climbed a level per year to make his debut on the Opening Day roster. Stuff is elite, but will he make efficient enough use of the zone and not just try to outblast batters? He throws in the high 90s routinely.
MR Juan Diaz, 26, B:L, T:L (1-0, 3.26 ERA | 1-0, 3.26 ERA) – was called up mid-season and never went away despite never being very good, and despite walking more (29) than he struck out (21) in 47 innings of work.
SU Orlando Blanco, 34, B:R, T:L (4-2, 4.15 ERA, 1 SV | 32-63, 4.78 ERA, 3 SV) – came apart late in the season, doubling his ERA in the last six weeks of the campaign, Blanco nevertheless was mostly a reliable part of the bullpen in 2000, and one of the few pieces we’d dare to say that about.
SU Dan Nordahl, 22, B:R, T:R (2-5, 5.08 ERA, 1 SV | 4-6, 4.88 ERA, 1 SV) – top draft pick from 1997, and for years ranking second to only Jesus Christ in the “He is our Messiah” charts in Portland, this is the first time Nordahl starts the season on the big league team. His acquired pedigree does not warrant a setup role, but just look at the staff. He has the meanest stuff, with a filthy slider – he just can’t make it hit the zone, and the same is true for the 100mph fastball he harasses hitters with.
CL Daniel Miller, 32, B:S, T:R (1-5, 4.26 ERA, 1 SV | 35-30, 3.25 ERA, 40 SV) – here we are again with our faithful Daniel Miller in the closer role. It has never worked out before, and we don’t expect it to work this time, either, but the options are limited, and why the heck do you think Nordahl is a setup man in the first place? Miller's cutter/slider combo is not made for the ninth inning, and he always more pitched to poor contact (Wade-esque, if you want).

C/1B Julio Mata, 25, B:R, T:R (.237, 7 HR, 66 RBI | .260, 11 HR, 103 RBI) – the strong rookie impression of this first-rounder from ’97 evaporated in a puff of smoke last season. The first half was still quite good, but after the All Star Break he tailed off frighteningly. His biggest achievement was a refreshing 39% CS rate.
C Mark Thomas *, 24, B:R, T:R (.261, 0 HR, 2 RBI | .297, 0 HR, 3 RBI) – acquired from the Wolves for Kelly Fairchild, Thomas has only 37 AB to his credit and will be a backup to Julio Mata. His good defensive abilities might even make him a late inning sub for Mata on a frequent basis.

1B Albert Martin, 24, B:L, T:L (.268, 12 HR, 41 RBI | .274, 17 HR, 53 RBI) – still projects to be an elite first baseman, although his first attempt on going a full season was quickly ended last year when he batted .125 in April. He returned all the stronger and we really think he can top 20 to 25 dingers in a full season.
2B Jesus Palacios *, 26, B:L, T:R (.288, 12 HR, 61 RBI | .286, 32 HR, 207 RBI) – came over from the Knights in the Marvin Ingall trade, along with Gabriel. He is a very good OBP guy, and will steal bases frequently if left unchecked. His weak arm limits him to the right side of the infield, but as such he doesn’t get into Concie’s way at least.
SS Conceicao Guerin, 27, B:R, T:R (.271, 2 HR, 54 RBI | .282, 8 HR, 199 RBI) – regressed from his best season in 1999, when he hit .304 and made only four errors, but is still one of the best allrounder shortstops in the game, combining both a good OBP bat with excellent defense, which has been merited with the Gold Glove in 1999.
1B/3B Daniel Sharp, 23, B:R, T:R (.243, 4 HR, 23 RBI | .243, 4 HR, 23 RBI) – signed fourth overall in the 2000 amateur draft, Sharp made the majors within a month of signing, and while he debuted in a splash, he slumped badly during the tail end of the season and got to share time with Mike Crowe at times. This year, he is penciled in at third base firmly and better won’t dare to struggle.
1B/SS/3B Max Heart *, 28, B:R, T:R (did not play | .275, 3 HR, 23 RBI) – rule 5 pick, appeared for the Aces from 1997 to 1999, amassing 178 AB in total. More of the pinch-hitting sort, not even a valuable defensive replacement, except for Martin.
1B/RF/2B/3B/SS/LF Manny Gabriel *, 25, B:L, T:R (.500, 0 HR, 0 RBI | .500, 0 HR, 0 RBI) – also added from the Knights, Gabriel has only 2 AB to his credit. Versatile defender that should be able to hit .250 with the stick.

LF/CF/RF Ramiro Cavazos *, 26, B:S, T:R (.288, 12 HR, 75 RBI | .264, 15 HR, 118 RBI) – acquired from the Bayhawks for Andrew Schaefer and a prospect, Cavazos played only one full season with the top flight Bayhawks, but then batted for a .825 OPS last year. We are not 100% sure what we get, but it can it really get any worse than the last two years?
CF/LF Neil Reece, 34, B:R, T:R (.307, 4 HR, 19 RBI | .308, 142 HR, 695 RBI) – one of the best two centerfielders in the game, Neil had the year from hell in 2000, going down to injury three times and appearing in only 32 games total. When he is healthy, he gives you a constant threat in the #3 hole, and with our (assumedly) much improved lineup, he can always hurt the opposition, be it with a homer or a double, or even a bases-loaded walk.
LF/RF Clyde Brady, 24, B:L, T:L (.268, 15 HR, 75 RBI | .260, 33 HR, 155 RBI) – appeared to brake out in his third full season in the Bigs, before a huge slump caught up with him in September and socked him all the way down to .268; he is a very good allrounder, batting for average, power, and he can even draw a walk, and perhaps steal a few bases, and his defense does not need to be questioned. Rightfield was one of the few areas we didn’t try to mess with this winter, and that says something.
LF/RF/CF Chris Parker, 25, B:L, T:R (.273, 4 HR, 56 RBI | .254, 8 HR, 117 RBI) – another year, another rival plugged in front of Parker’s nose in leftfield. He had a .703 OPS in 455 AB last season, mostly filling gaps and also playing a lot of centerfield in Neil Reece’s numerous lengthy absences. We will not bench him for as long as the last two years this time, maybe he can break out for good.
LF/RF/CF Gilberto Flores *, 28, B:R, T:R (did not play | .255, 25 HR, 163 RBI) – rule 5 pick, good versatility, and also usable as pinch-runner to swipe a bag when needed. He might not make the lineup too often, though.

On disabled list: Two minor leaguers, including AAA SP Nick Brown.

Otherwise unavailable: Nobody.

Other roster movement: None.

Opening day lineups:
Vs. RHP: 2B Palacios – SS Guerin – CF Reece – 1B Martin – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – LF Cavazos – C Mata – P Farley
Vs. LHP: SS Guerin – 2B Palacios – CF Reece – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – RF Brady – LF Cavazos – C Mata – P Farley

OFF SEASON CHANGES:

Two years in a row the Raccoons were third in offseason WAR gains and then dropped eight games during the regular season. Having arrived at 63-99 and taking a $500k budget cut didn’t help in the least little way. We did the maximum improvement possible, keying on the rotation, which was being wrecked endlessly in 2000, and that in turn wrecked the bullpen. We keep pretending that the offense was so dismal because of frequent injuries and slumps that will never return, while we top the offseason WAR gains chart this season:

Top 5: Raccoons (+12.2), Miners (+8.0), Loggers (+7.4), Crusaders (+6.9), Scorpions (+6.9)
Bottom 5: Bayhawks (-8.0), Blue Sox (-9.4), Condors (-9.6), Thunder (-10.6), Knights (-11.3)

PREDICTION TIME:

With this miniscule budget, it will be impossible to keep up with the division, no matter how hard we try. The best we can achieve is perhaps a respectable even record. We couldn’t even afford a second-rate closer in John Hatt at the end, and have to go with Daniel Miller.

I have no illusions this time. The rotation will be much better, but the bullpen will still walk people left and right. And center. The offense will pick up if Neil Reece stays healthy this time, especially with Luke Newton around no longer, and if Martin, Sharp, and Brady don’t all slump at the same time, we should do better than last in runs scored in the CL.

However, the funds to build a winner were just not there. If everybody stays healthy, the pitching holds up, and nobody goes into a 100 AB funk batting .120 anymore, this team could achieve an even record of 81-81.

But, this is the Raccoons. Players on that team have gotten hurt fixing themselves a sandwich. Thus, not everybody will stay healthy, the pitching staff has gaping holes, and there WILL be slumps. And as thus, the Raccoons can not expect to outpace a 72-90 record.

PLAYER DEVELOPMENT:

Last year we had the #8 farm system with 8 players in the top 100, and 12 in the top 200. Of these, Ralph Ford and Albert Martin have lost eligibility due to major league exposure, and Eisuke Sato due to age. Bob Evans was traded away, as was #3 prospect Salvadaro Soure.

Accordingly, we plunged, badly. We now have the 17th best (read: eighth-worst) system in the ABL. Prospects have become scarce.

24th (new) – A CL Matt Cash, 18 – 2000 second round pick by the Raccoons
41st (-14) – ML MR Marcos Bruno, 25 – 1999 first round pick by the Raccoons
84th (-17) – AAA OF Chris Roberson, 24 – 1998 first round pick by the Raccoons
91st (+43) – AA CL Sergio Vega, 20 – 1998 supplemental round pick by the Raccoons
100th (-32) – AAA OF/1B Edgardo Torrez, 24 – international discovery by Vicente Guerra
116th (-43) – AAA INF/RF Miguel Ramirez, 22 – international discovery by the Crusaders, signed as minor league free agent
117th (new) – A SP Cesar Lopez, 18 – international discovery by the Knights, included in the Marvin Ingall / Jesus Palacios deal

22-year old AAA CL Harry Wentz in the Pacifics System is the #1 prospect in the league. He was the sixth overall pick in the 2000 draft.

Next: first pitch!

[Westheim]

Raccoons (0-0) vs. Crusaders (0-0) – April 2-4, 2001

The time has come. Time to throw all our new **** against the wall and see if it sticks. Vince thinks the Crusaders’ strength will be with pitching, and doesn’t think too highly of their offense.

Projected matchups:
Randy Farley (0-0) vs. Anibal Sandoval (0-0)
Carl Bean (0-0) vs. Ramiro Gonzalez (0-0)
Ralph Ford (0-0) vs. Francisco Garza (0-0)

Game 1
NYC: RF Gonzales – 2B Brantley – LF A. Johnson – 1B M. Berry – CF Latham – C Olson – 3B Rigg – SS J. Martinez – P Sandoval
POR: 2B Palacios – SS Guerin – CF Reece – 1B Martin – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – LF Cavazos – C Mata – P Farley

Farley was struggling in this season opener. The Crusaders left runners on second and third in both of the first two innings, missing a chance to hurt him early, but still scored a run in the third inning then on a Latham single. Farley’s control was not there at all and he pitched in high counts repeatedly. The Raccoons masterfully managed to leave five men on without scoring in the first three innings. In the top 4th, Rigg led off with a single, but Guerin turned a double play on Jose Martinez’ grounder. Sandoval hit a single in a 1-2 count, and then scored on Gonzales’ double to right. 2-0 Crusaders, and three double plays in five innings couldn’t save Farley due to the nine hits and four walks he gave away – and still the Crusaders scored only twice. However, by the sixth Elliott Meeks was in the game, walked Sandoval, but wasn’t scored on either. His spot came up in the bottom 6th, still down 2-0, with the bases loaded and one out. Parker hit for him, popped out softly to left, and Palacios flew out to center, no scoring. Bottom 7th, two in scoring position with one out for Brady, and finally somebody came through: Clyde just barely missed a 3-run homer, but by the time Brian Latham had collected the ball in the outfield, Brady was sliding into third base with a game-tying 2-run triple. Sharp struck out, but Cavazos hit an infield single that gave the Coons the lead. Nordahl in the eighth repeated Meeks’ folly by walking Sandoval, but on run scored this time either. Miller came out in the ninth, struggled, put two on with one out, Palacios and Guerin failed to turn the fourth double play on the day, putting the tying run at third base in Ron Brantley, but Mike Olson then grounded out to Palacios to end the contest. 3-2 Raccoons. Reece 3-5, 2 2B; Martin 2-5, 2B; Sharp 2-4, 2B; Cavazos 2-4, RBI; Mata 2-2, 2 BB;

Juan Diaz got the win in a season opener, where both teams combined for 24 hits, and only five runs. That one was constantly about to get away, but in a pleasant surprise, the Raccoons start the season by topping the CL North on April 2!

Manny Gabriel made his Raccoons debut besides Palacios and Cavazos in this game, making an out as a pinch-hitter. Bean will start game 2, and we might get to see the other new Critters in Bruno, Flores, Heart, and Thomas in that game as well. Barring a 28-inning marathon, new pitcher Cipriano Miranda won’t wind up until the weekend.

Game 2
NYC: RF Gonzales – 2B Brantley – LF A. Johnson – 1B M. Berry – CF Latham – C Olson – 3B Rigg – SS J. Martinez – P R. Gonzalez
POR: SS Guerin – 2B Palacios – CF Reece – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – RF Brady – LF Cavazos – C Mata – P Bean

While game one of the season had been about hitting and hitting and hitting, but never scoring, game two became a display for fine pitching. While the Raccoons led off with two singles in the bottom 1st and Reece scored Guerin on a sac fly, that was mostly it for offense for a long time at the park. The Raccoons would scratch out three singles in the bottom 5th, but didn’t score when Brady flew out to deep center. In the top 6th, Gonzalez led off by reaching second base when Palacios threw away the pitcher’s grounder. Jorge Gonzales walked, putting Carl Bean into a load of trouble. Brantley moved over the runners, before Bean struck out Johnson. Could he get Berry, too? Nope, but Brady could, with an awesome catch in the gap in right center. The Crusaders were still held to one hit by Bean, and were handed three K’s in the seventh. Bean had nine whiffs in his account then, but couldn’t get a tenth. In the bottom 7th, the Coons added a much-needed run and got Gonzalez out of the game, but Bean also conceded a run in the top 8th and was removed with two out and Brantley on first base, with the left-handers coming up. When Orlando Blanco relieved Bean, the Crusaders hit for Avery Johnson with Bob Rush, who singled, then sent Theodore Mullins. Nordahl faced him, and got a grounder to Sharp for the third out. The score remained 2-1 thorugh eight, and that brought out Miller again, who allowed a leadoff double to Brian Latham, who represented the tying run again. And again that run was on third base with two down, this time with Jose Martinez batting. Miller struck him out. 2-1 Coons! Sharp 2-4; Brady 3-4, RBI; Bean 7.2 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 9 K, W (1-0) and 1-3;

We had ten hits, all singles, which always makes it hard to score anything. Nevertheless, Carl Bean had a wonderful debut in this game. With more offense, he might have been left in for a complete game. Other debutees were Mark Thomas, who replaced Mata behind the dish when he was hit for late, but didn’t get an AB, and Flores, who whiffed as a pinch-hitter. Still waiting on Bruno and Heart, and of course Miranda, who’ll pitch on Friday.

Also, Daniel Miller leads the ABL in saves with two. :-P

Game 3
NYC: C Olson – 2B Brantley – RF Gonzales – 3B Rush – CF Latham – LF J. Cruz – 1B T. Mullins – SS J. Martinez – P F. Garza
POR: 2B Palacios – SS Guerin – CF Reece – 1B Martin – RF Brady – LF Parker – 3B Sharp – C Thomas – P Ford

Ford’s debut was the most anticipated for all the starters, because with the other four you pretty much knew what you could get, but Ford had struggled badly last year and had to tone down the walks. He fell to only two 3-ball counts early in this game, and neither of those batters reached base. Neither did he allow a run through four innings. In the bottom 4th, in a twist, the first Coons home run of the season was hit by backup catcher Mark Thomas, and it counted for two runs, the first in the game. Ford then proceeded with the top 5th in HBP fashion, giving Martinez a welt. Garza then bunted into a double play and Ralph struck out Mike Olson to end the inning. Bottom 6th, the Coons had two on with no outs, when Ford bunted into a double play, third-and-first. In a bitter turn of events, Palacios would then reach on a Garza error and Guerin would single home Thomas to make it 3-0 after all. Ford didn’t walk anybody until with two down in the seventh, and then walked two in succession. Meeks relieved him and struck out Olson to preserve the shutout, but then issued a 2-out walk to Bob Rush in the eighth. Diaz failed to get Latham out, and Scott Wade appeared with runners on the corners to face Juan Cruz, walked him on eight pitches, but then PH Avery Johnson grounded out to Guerin to leave the bags full. When the Raccoons didn’t score in the bottom 8th, the score remained 3-0, another save situation, but unless I wanted to use Daniel Miller for three straight days at the start of the year, I had to pick between Blanco and Bruno against right-handers due. Say hello to Marcos. He struck out the first two Crusaders, getting the park chanting frantically. While the Crusaders eventually materialized on the bases, the game ended with a soft pop to Reece off the bat of Jorge Gonzales. 3-0 Raccoons!! Guerin 3-4, RBI; Thomas 3-3, BB, HR, 2 RBI; Ford 6.2 IP, 5 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 5 K, W (1-0);

Kudos to the pitching staff for converting eight runs into three wins! I have a hunch though that over the course of the next six months we will need a quantum of hitting more than that to survive.

Not that topping the CL North at 3-0, ahead of the 2-0 Loggers, wasn’t fantastic…

Raccoons (3-0) vs. Condors (3-1) – April 6-8, 2001

The Condors had loaded up on players during the offseason and had some dangerous new toys, including Jeff MacGruder (whom I could have had two years ago), and Carlos Ramos. While the Raccoons had scored 8 runs in their first three games, the Condors in their first four contests had plated … 38. That’s not a typo.

Projected starters:
Cipriano Miranda (0-0) vs. Simon Walton (0-0)
Miguel Lopez (0-0) vs. Jose Maldonado (1-0, 4.50 ERA)
Randy Farley (0-0, 3.60 ERA) vs. Bastyao Caixinha (1-0, 3.38 ERA)

Game 1
TIJ: 2B B. Boyle – SS J. Barrón – 3B O’Morrissey – RF MacGruder – CF MacKey – C C. Ramos – 1B Batlle – LF Williamson – P Walton
POR: SS Guerin – 2B Palacios – CF Reece – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – RF Brady – LF Cavazos – C Mata – P Miranda

Simon Walton struggled, and the Coons plated two runs before leaving the bases loaded in the bottom of the first inning, then didn’t cash in on scoring chances the next two frames. Miranda went through the Condors lineup once without issues, but the second time took a few blows to the nose. One of those was a game-tying 2-run homer by Matt MacKey in the fourth. After Guerin was thrown out by Williamson, a catcher playing leftfield, at home plate to end the bottom 4th, the Coons had their first two men on in the fifth, before Walton struck out in succession Brady, Cavazos, and Mata. In turn, Jeff MacGruder bombed Miranda out of the game with his own 2-shot in the top 6th. Down 4-2, the Raccoons drew three walks from Jorge Reyes to load the bags with no outs in the bottom 7th. Mark Thomas hit for the catcher in the #7 hole, struck out, and Mata hit into a double play. The Raccoons continued to put runners on in the last two innings, but they plain failed to score. 4-2 Condors. Heart (PH) 1-1; Reece 3-5, 2B; Martin 2-4, BB, RBI; Sharp 2-3, 2 BB; Cavazos 2-3, 3B, RBI; Wade 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 2 K;

We see a pattern developing. The Condors had six hits in this game, the Raccoons had a dozen. Yet, they left SEVENTEEN men on base. That was already the case in two of the games against the Crusaders, not that stark, but it was there. We have to watch Palacios, who’s batting .118/.211/.176 out of the gate, but apart from that and an 0-7 Chris Parker, there aren’t any glaring fails on the roster, offensively. However, they are spreading the joy as broadly as possible.

It takes 13 artists, to play 33 innings, have 47 hits and 15 walks, and only score 10 runs.

All new Coons have debuted by now.

Game 2
TIJ: LF Bayle – 2B J. Barrón – C Cicalina – CF MacGruder – 3B O’Morrissey – 1B B. Boyle – SS Williamson – RF B. Wilson – P J. Maldonado
POR: 2B Palacios – SS Guerin – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – LF Cavazos – C Mata – P M. Lopez

The bus hit Miguel Lopez pretty much square in the middle game. The left-hander was stomped for five runs in less than five innings, and never, ever appeared to be in control of what was going on. Included in the barrage was a 2-out, 2-run single by O’Morrissey in the first inning, and a massive 2-run home run by Urbano Cicalina in the fifth. The Raccoons continued their ways of the first four games of the season, getting on base occasionally, but usually not leaving them until after the third out was made. When Lopez was gone, they trailed 5-0, as Maldonado was keeping them shut out. This didn’t change by much once Maldonado was removed. When Cavazos hit a leadoff double off Ray Cobb in the bottom 9th, this put the Raccoons up on the Condors in hits, 10-9. Yet, by the time Game Over flashed on the scoreboard, they still hadn’t scored a single run. 6-0 Condors. Brady 3-4, 2B; Cavazos 2-4, 2B; Mata 2-4; Heart (PH) 1-1; Wade 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

One run was charged against Elliott Meeks, the first run on the bullpen this season. Not that it makes our 2.0 R/G any better.

Game 3
TIJ: LF Bayle – SS J. Barrón – 3B O’Morrissey – RF MacGruder – CF MacKey – 1B Cicalina – 2B B. Boyle – C C. Ramos – P J. Robinson
POR: SS Guerin – 1B Sharp – CF Reece – RF Brady – LF Cavazos – 3B Heart – C Mata – 2B Gabriel – P Farley

Neither team reached base in the first, but that quickly changed in the top 2nd. MacGruder tripled to present himself at third with no outs. After Matt MacKey walked, Farley managed to whiff both Cicalina and Boyle. Ramos was put on intentionally to get to Jon Robinson, who took the start from Bastyao Caixinha. And Robinson was walked by Farley. And so was Jimmy Bayle. Dazed, I watched Guerin triple home Farley for a 2-out RBI in the bottom 3rd, before Sharp struck out, and the Coons left the bags loaded in the fourth. Randy, mad at himself, ramped up the pace and had struck out eight Condors by the fifth inning. In the bottom 5th, he led off with a double and was moved to third on a Guerin single. Those were the go-ahead runs on base, and this time, Daniel Sharp came through for an RBI single. Robinson balked before striking out Reece. Brady hit one deep to center, but MacKey made the catch, holding him to a go-ahead sac fly. Max Heart would single home another run before the inning ended with Farley holding a 4-2 lead.

He held that lead for about three minutes, before the Condors had the bags full with no outs in the top 6th after a pair of walks sandwiching a MacGruder infield single. Cicalina popped out before we sent for Orlando Blanco to face Boyle and Ramos. Blanco entered his third game, had yet to surrender a batter, and with his first pitch nailed Bruce Boyle. The second pitch was taken into center by Ramos, tying the score, and the Raccoons were not getting out of this one. Meeks allowed an RBI single to Williamson, then walked in TWO more runs, and it wasn’t until Nordahl was thrown into the fracas that the inning ended with a K to MacGruder, with five runs across. Down 7-4, Nordahl was even sent to bat in the bottom 6th to exploit him for another inning (or two?), and he casually hit a home run off Jose Ochoa. Once that was taken care of, he indeed pitched two more innings, mowing down Condors in quick succession. The score was back to 7-6 after Max Heart had plated a run in the bottom 7th. Ray Cobb, in the bottom 8th, readily put the tying run on base with a 4-pitch walk to Manny Gabriel. Albert Martin grabbed a bat to hit for Nordahl. The Condors countered with left-hander Domingo Moreno, but Martin still doubled, putting the go-ahead runs in scoring position. Jorge Reyes appeared and walked Concie, then yielded for a right-hander in Tom Watkins to face Sharp. The count ran full, and after seven pitches Daniel Sharp drew a bases-loaded walk to tie the score, still three men on, still no outs, and the fans were giving them Condors hell, as Neil Reece was stepping at the plate, 0-4 on the day. This next battle lasted seven pitches just as well. When the seventh pitch, and the second in a full count, tailed away to the outside, Reece froze mid-swing, then casually lobbed the bat away and walked leisurely to first – WE HAVE THE LEAD!!! The fans were chanting frantically. Brady hit a sac fly, before Cavazos drew another walk. That brought up Heart, who hit a ball to shallow right center, where MacGruder got to hit and they nailed Sharp at home.

Daniel Miller came out with a 9-7 lead in the loudest place in America, easily beating any coal mine or airport. When Barrón took his first pitch into shallow left on a high blooper, it didn’t silence the attendance. O’Morrissey grounded out, but the tough part came just now with left-handers MacGruder and MacKey. The former walked, but the latter made an out to Guerin. Cicalina was next, and hit another horrible bloop nobody could get to, scoring Barrón. The fans was were chanting on Miller and booing Boyle at the same time, until everything fell silent when Miller’s 0-2 pitch hit the padding on Boyle’s elbow. Bases loaded, .524 lefty Ramos up, and this was all Miller, and Ramos put the 1-0 in play, a grounder, slow, up to third. Heart in, only play goes to first – AND HE GOT HIM!!! 9-8 Raccoons!!!! Guerin 3-4, BB, 3B, RBI; Cavazos 2-4, 3B; Martin (PH) 1-1, 2B; Nordahl 2.2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 6 K, W (1-0) and 1-1, HR, RBI;

NORDAHL!!! COONS!!! WIN!!!!

Oh my … - (exhales slowly) … that was … THAT … WAS … wow. I have no words. Just one.

NORDAHL!!!

Raccoons (4-2) @ Bayhawks (4-2) – April 9-11, 2001

The Bayhawks through one week had been more or less consistently above average, not quite how the Raccoons got to 4-2, with a slew of 1- and 2-run wins and tons of luck on either side of the scales.

Projected matchups:
Carl Bean (1-0, 1.17 ERA) vs. Ricardo Sanchez (1-0, 3.38 ERA)
Ralph Ford (1-0, 0.00 ERA) vs. Miguel Diaz (0-1, 3.00 ERA)
Cipriano Miranda (0-1, 6.00 ERA) vs. Henry Selph (1-0, 5.14 ERA)

Game 1
POR: SS Guerin – 2B Palacios – CF Reece – 1B Martin – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – LF Cavazos – C Thomas – P Bean
SFB: RF Javier – 3B Foster – 1B D. Carroll – LF W. Jackson – SS B. Hall – C I. Morales – CF Walls – 2B V. Martinez – P R. Sanchez

No score through three, the Raccoons got an unearned run in the fourth driven in by Thomas after Bob Hall had made an error. Bean had only allowed a walk through three innings, but somehow in the fourth came apart quite badly. He walked Jesse Foster, and then immediately was taken deep by Dave Carroll. 2-1 Bayhawks, Bean loaded the bags again with another walk and two singles, before he nipped Jackson at home on Walls’ grounder. He then struck out Martinez and Sanchez to escape the inning trailing “only” 2-1. Carroll hurt Bean again with a solo homer in the bottom 5th, but Clyde Brady pulled the Raccoons even eventually with a 2-run shot in the sixth that got us back to 3-3. Bean continued into the seventh. There, with two down, Martinez at third, Jesse Foster was up. Bean assued the pitching coach he still had something, but then gave up an RBI double, and left with Carroll approaching to the sound of drums. Bruno served up a high fly to the first baseman, but Reece made a catch on that. Bruno returned for the eighth, gave up another run, and that combined with the fact that the Raccoons hadn’t scored on Andrew Schaefer with two on and one out in the top 8th doomed Carl Bean for good. Bob Robinson pitched in the ninth, and Chris Parker reached on an error. Robinson wild pitched him to second base, from where he scored on Guerin’s 1-out double, cutting the gap to 5-4. Palacios grounded out, moving Guerin to third, and so it was on Neil Reece with two out to get it done. Reece was in an 0-7 string, and couldn’t solve Robinson. He popped out to short. 5-4 Bayhawks. Palacios 2-5; Brady 2-3, BB, HR, 2 RBI; Thomas 2-4, 3B, RBI;

Meh. Somehow, Bean didn’t quite match up well with Carroll (a right-handed batter), and then we lost it because we couldn’t get runners home – again! That’s our third loss of the season, and we have yet to incur a loss while landing less base hits than the opposition (both teams had eight in this one).

Game 2
POR: SS Guerin – 2B Palacios – CF Reece – 1B Martin – RF Brady – LF Cavazos – 3B Gabriel – C Mata – P Ford
SFB: RF Javier – LF Walls – 1B D. Carroll – CF Black – SS B. Hall – C G. Ortíz – 3B Foster – 2B Navarro – P M. Diaz

If you came for scoring, you came to the wrong park. The contest was scoreless through five innings. While Diaz dealt high heat and whiffed the Raccoons in scores (8 K in 5 IP), Ford relied more on defense and his own good luck. And then it were still the Raccoons to score first, when Reece came home on a Cavazos double in the sixth. With the bags full and one out, Mata hit into a double play, and in the seventh it was Reece to hit into the wheels of the defense for another inning-ending two-for-one. Ford also survived the seventh only on a double play but was more or less done for the day on 105 pitches. The Raccoons failed to score while Nordahl pitched a scoreless eighth for Ford. Miller came out for his fourth save attempt in the ninth and again began to get victimized by uncatchable bloops. Will Jackson led off the inning with a single to left that fell between Gabriel and Cavazos. However, Jesse Foster than hit one right to Palacios, who started to turn two, and that made PH Alfredo Marquez potentially the last man up for Miller, yet he singled, and Vicente Martinez had the honors, flying out to Brady. 1-0 Furballs! Cavazos 2-4, 2B, RBI; Ford 7.0 IP, 5 H, 0 R, 4 BB, 4 K, W (2-0) and 2-3;

Yay, pitching!!

Game 3
POR: SS Guerin – 2B Palacios – RF Brady – 1B Martin – CF Cavazos – 3B Sharp – LF Parker – C Mata – P Miranda
SFB: RF Javier – 3B Foster – 1B D. Carroll – LF W. Jackson – SS Bob Hall – C G. Ortíz – CF Marquez – 2B Navarro – P Selph

Rain was approaching the Bay as this game got underway, and it became clear very quickly that Cipriano Miranda wouldn’t live to see the rainbow. The Bayhawks stuffed him with four hits for four runs, crowned by an Ortíz homer, in the first inning. He was gone soon, but stayed long enough to absorb six runs in total, as the Bayhawks hit him at will, while the Coons didn’t even get the bats up. Wade also got abused in ultimately aborted long relief, and the Raccoons were abhorrent and only managed a run on a sac fly by Max Heart in the eighth. The Critters were forcefully shown the door, but not before the Bayhawks mauled every last man of the bullpen in a calamitous bottom of the eighth, with Diaz, Nordahl, and Blanco all torn to pieces with home runs by Carroll (3 runs off Nordahl) and Ortíz (2 off Blanco) for six more runs that hadn’t exactly been necessary. 14-1 Bayhawks. Guerin 2-4, 2B; Reece (PH) 1-1;

Ah, there’s the team that everybody had waited for, to finally show its ugly disfigured face.

So now, nine games in, the team is 5-4, having scored 25 runs and having been bombed for 40. Talk about efficiency.

Raccoons (5-4) @ Canadiens (2-6) – April 12-15, 2001

And with everybody in emotional tethers now, the team travelled to Canada for four over the weekend, while I had to watch from the distance as they took on the Canadiens, who had stumbled out of the gate. They had allowed the second-most runs (51) so far, with their rotation blown up at a 6.24 ERA. There was one specific, very interesting case among their starters,

Projected matchups:
Miguel Lopez (0-1, 9.00 ERA) vs. Daniel Dickerson (0-1, 189.00 ERA)
Randy Farley (0-0, 6.10 ERA) vs. Juan Bello (0-0, 3.75 ERA)
Carl Bean (1-1, 3.14 ERA) vs. Joe Hollow (0-2, 3.71 ERA)
Ralph Ford (2-0, 0.00 ERA) vs. Paul Kirkland (0-0, 7.50 ERA)

Dickerson’s only start had him going one third of an inning, with six hits, two walks, and seven runs against him. So, if he pitched a shutout now, he’d come out at just over seven, right? That’s probably going to happen then…

Game 1
POR: 3B Sharp – 2B Palacios – CF Reece – 1B Martin – RF Parker – C Mata – SS Gabriel – LF Flores – P M. Lopez
VAN: 3B De Jesus – 2B H. Henry – RF Velasquez – SS B. Butler – 1B Valenzuela – CF P. Taylor – LF Hudson – C Clemente – P Dickerson

There was one pitcher that was battered with wooden sticks quite soon in this game, but it wasn’t Dickerson. Miguel Lopez got under the wheels yet again, allowing four runs in the second inning through his general inability to make a decent pitch. That doesn’t mean that Dickerson was good. He began to shake badly by the fourth. Neil Reece brought home a run with a 2-out single, and in the next inning, an 0-10 Manny Gabriel produced something for the first time as a Brownshirt: an impressive 3-run home run to rightfield, knotting the score at four. Yet when Gilberto Flores was on third base in the same inning, both Sharp and Palacios struck out to leave him there. The Canadiens would get Clemente to third with one out in the bottom of the frame, and of course THEY scored him with an Alfredo De Jesus double. That was it for Lopez, who was charged with six runs once Bruno allowed De Jesus to score, and Bob Butler’ 2-run homer right after that made it 8-4 Canadiens. In Portland, I was crawled up on the floor of my office, all in tears, and Dickerson struck out eight Raccoons before being removed after five. And yet, the Raccoons weren’t out of it. They came back to three runs back in the seventh, when Scott Wade hit a 2-out RBI single. Neil Reece went deep for the first time this year in the eighth, and they had two more on when Brady and Gabriel made poor outs, keeping the team two behind. Top 9th, Raymond Léger pitching, Flores walked and Thomas singled with no outs to put the tying runs on base. Sharp hit one into center, bases loaded, and Palacios hit one into almost the same spot, plating Flores, 9-8. Reece was up! Neil! I kneed, begging, on the floor in the office in front of the TV. Neil! Lift us, Neil! Eight pitches later, Reece had worked a game-tying walk, still all bases occupied, and still no outs for Albert Martin, who fouled out on the first pitch. Léger was STILL in the game, now facing Parker. And, oh no, he’s popping it up, too! I shrieked, but the pop went to shallow center, and Palacios, on second base, had the best read, and SAW that Arturo Lopez had played way deep and was NOT going to get this one! Sharp scored, Palacios scored, HERE COME THE COONS!!! They didn’t come any further in this inning, though, settling for an 11-9 lead to hand to Daniel Miller. Miller started off by walking Velasquez, and would not get ahead of any batter in this inning. Butler sent a 2-0 pitch to Reece, Valenzuela a 1-0 pitch to Flores, and Raymond Sutton ran the count full before he lobbed out to center just as well. HUH, VICTORY!! 11-9 Raccoons!!! Sharp 2-6, 2B; Palacios 2-6, RBI; Reece 4-5, BB, HR, 3 RBI; Martin 2-5, BB, 2B; Parker 3-5, BB, 2B, 2 RBI; Gabriel 2-6, HR, 3 RBI; Thomas 1-1; Wade 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 2 K and 1-1, RBI;

Nothing sweeter than snapping victory from the jaws of defeat, except snapping victory from the jaws of defeat at the hands of the Smelly Elks!

The Raccoons had 19 hits, had more hits than the Canadiens (11) all game, and almost would have lost another one of those.

Game 2
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – C Thomas – 3B Sharp – 2B Gabriel – P Farley
VAN: SS B. Butler – C Clemente – 1B Valenzuela – RF Velasquez – LF Durán – CF A. Lopez – 3B Sutton – 2B H. Henry – P Bello

Randy’s woes continued as the Canadiens rocked over him with two in the first, and two more in the third, the latter on a Velasquez home run. For the Coons, Guerin had singled in the first, had been picked off first base, and Bello had faced the minimum through three innings. Guerin got on again and scored in the fourth inning, and while nothing went the right way for the Raccoons with Juan Bello on the mound, everything went the wrong way when Farley was pitching. The score spiraled out of control in the seventh, which the Canadiens led off with an infield single by Butler, and then got ANOTHER infield single by Valenzuela. Meeks walked the bases full, and Blanco issued two bases-loaded walks. Bello left the game in the eighth only because of discomfort, while nobody cared for my discomfort as I watched from beneath the desk, holding on firmly to a blanket. The Coons were down and out, 6-1, through eight. Paul Brown appeared in the ninth after pitching two innings the day before. He walked Reece, walked Brady, and Martin singled. Bags full, no outs, Raymond Léger (!) appeared, and walked Thomas, which technically brought the tying run to the plate, but Daniel Sharp’s miserable grounder was converted into a double play by Léger and the Coons were denied their improbable comeback today. 6-2 Canadiens. Guerin 3-4, 2B; Martin 2-3;

Game 3
POR: SS Guerin – 3B Sharp – CF Reece – RF Brady – LF Cavazos – 1B Martin – C Mata – 2B Heart – P Bean
VAN: SS B. Butler – C Clemente – 1B Valenzuela – RF Velasquez – LF Durán – CF A. Lopez – 3B Sutton – 2B H. Henry – P Hollow

… and for the fourth consecutive day the Raccoons got their starter gangbanged the first time through the order, as the Canadiens whacked three doubles off Carl Bean and used a Max Heart error to plate three runs (two earned) off Bean in the first frame. Joe Hollow was perfect until he hit Daniel Sharp with a pitch in the fourth. Cavazos landed a single in the fifth, and the Canadiens strangely teased the Raccoons here with Bob Butler committing an error to put Heart on base with two down, Hollow throwing a wild pitch and finally walking Bean, giving Guerin three men on. Under my desk I was begging for mercy, begging for a hit, and once Guerin walked, Sharp came up and singled up the middle. Lopez took long enough to allow Bean to score, and the game was tied! We got one more hit, a Reece single plating Guerin for the go-ahead run, 4-3, before Brady hacked himself out. Mata’s run-scoring, yet inning-ending double play in the sixth added a run, 5-3, and I was almost about to take a seat BEHIND the desk, when the bottom 6th rolled along. Lopez on first base, two out, the Canadiens sent Hollow to bat for himself – and he doubled. Hollow scored, but well, we’re still up 5-4. Bean was tasked with Butler – and oh well, ****, he homered. I would eventually be read the rest of the game from the box score by Slappy, the janitor, the next day, since I was reduced to suckling on my thumb in a state of mental disarray, but the Canadiens left Hollow in the game into the eighth, where that would eventually backfire when Martin plated Brady to tie the game. Brady would slap a 2-out single to right to plate Guerin in the ninth, putting Ray Hoskins on the hook, and a shaky bullpen ejected a wobbly Daniel Miller for the third straight day, and eventually it was Guerin who held on to the W with a nifty pick on Raymond Sutton’s sharp grounder with the winning runs for the Elks on base. 7-6 Raccoons, I’ve been told. Sharp 3-4, 2 RBI; Brady 2-5, RBI; Cavazos 2-5; Martin 2-4, RBI;

Slappy said that Marcos Bruno picked up his first big league win in relief here.

Game 4
POR: SS Guerin – LF Parker – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – 2B Palacios – C Mata – P Ford
VAN: 3B De Jesus – LF Durán – RF Velasquez – SS B. Butler – 1B Valenzuela – CF P. Taylor – 2B H. Henry – C J. Esquivel – P Kirkland

Reece plated Guerin for a 1-0 lead in this game, but once De Jesus hit a leadoff triple in the bottom 1st, I called Slappy in and we both sat down under the table, while I held on tightly to his strong, manly arm, and Slappy held on to a bottle of booze. Not that it helped Ralph Ford in the least degree. Durán brought home De Jesus, and the Canadiens had two on when Phil Taylor hit the second triple of the inning way past Neil Reece. Once through the rotation, everybody blown up in time, and I was reduced to slowly rocking back and forth and begging for everything to end. Down 3-1, Ford wombled and tumbled, and only a spectacular double play turned by Palacios and Guerin helped to dig him out of three on, one out in the bottom 3rd. The Raccoons scored one in the fourth, but left two on, and in the sixth Neil Reece was thrown out trying to go first-to-third on a Martin single. Ford put the first two men in the bottom of the inning on base, and here everything was going down. The manager got the ball from Ford, Meeks came in, and both runs scored. I was annoying enough that Slappy eventually left angrily in the seventh inning, in which the Canadiens scored nine runs primarily on Wade and Bruno, saying that even his two wives and six daughters at home didn’t do half as much crying, cussing, and cursing as I did. I remained dumped on the floor for the remainder of this particular blowout, in which the Raccoons, just for good laughs, scored three runs late. 15-5 Canadiens. Parker 2-4, BB, 2 RBI; Reece 2-5, RBI; Martin 2-4; Flores (PH) 1-1;

I pretended to be a piece of trash, but the cleaning ladies refused to pick me up late that night. Maybe I should have tried to stop lamenting my terrible fate for just one minute and they would have fallen for my very best imitation of a scrunched paper.

The agony.

In other news

April 2 – DEN OF Chih-tui Jin (.500, 0 HR, 0 RBI) goes down with a strained medial collateral ligament on Opening Day and won’t return until May.
April 6 – Two things happen in the Warriors’ 2-0 win over the Buffaloes. First, OF Paul Theobald (.316, 0 HR, 2 RBI) continues a hitting streak started in the 2000 season to 20 games with two hits, and also William Henderson (0-0, 0.00 ERA, 2 SV) closes the game, which marks the 400th career save for the 34-year old left-hander, taken by the Bayhawks in the 1988 draft supplemental round.
April 7 – 25-year old TIJ LF Jack Bishop (.300, 0 HR, 2 RBI) has been declared lost for the season with a complicated fracture in his elbow.
April 8 – Career home run leader RIC RF/LF Raúl Vázquez (.308, 0 HR, 1 RBI) heads to the DL with back tightness, but should be able to return after the minimum 15 days.
April 8 – Paul Theobald’s hitting streak ends at 21 games, as he goes 0-5 in his Warriors’ 4-3 win over the Buffaloes.
April 10 – Two leftovers of the winter find new homes. The Blue Sox re-sign 37-yr old LF/RF Preston O’Day (.287, 220 HR, 1,081 RBI) for 1-yr, $585k, while the Scorpions add ex-VAN OF Jorge Ledesma (.275, 63 HR, 337 RBI) for 1-yr, $655k.
April 13 – SFW OF Luis Arroyo was earlier this week announced to come back within “eight days” but this timetable has now been postponed again after Arroyo aggravated his bum shoulder with the torn labrum during a workout.

Complaints and stuff

You gotta admit, the team has some soul, but I still have the blues. The rotation, well, the whole pitching staff, is still in shambles, and I was really hoping that it wouldn’t be. The bullpen is as explosive as I expected it to be. Yet they are technically an above-.500 team, although it’s probably not true when your Pythagorean difference is +3 after two weeks…

Also, proven: six .300 hitters in your lineup doesn’t mean the team will score more than four runs per game. This one hasn’t. They scored 50 in 13 games, and they allowed 76 in an utterly despicable display of general ineptitude.

And yet, this will never change. This will never change unless Big Carlos’ son – or rather the repulsive afterbirth imposing to be human and having a heart – will either open his wallet or sell this team for another villa in Mexico.

The pitching is outright awful, tying for most runs conceded, with a 5.89 starters’ ERA, 5.53 bullpen ERA, and also tying for most home runs allowed. They aren’t far from the most walks.

In turn, the team has the highest batting average in the league and STILL CAN’T SCORE RUNS.

MADNESS. I CAN HEAR YOU. MADNESS!

[Westheim]

Raccoons (7-6) vs. Indians (8-4) – April 17-19, 2001

Like the Raccoons, the Indians were still pretending to be an above-.500 team. Which was kinda cute. Or were they one indeed? Well, they weren’t scoring runs at all, even compared to the Raccoons, crossing home plate only 39 times in 12 games. Yet, their pitching aced all of the Continental League so far, with only *30* runs allowed. It was like an Indians team from 15 years back. You scored two on their starter? Consider yourself lucky!

Projected matchups:
Cipriano Miranda (0-2, 8.68 ERA) vs. Ben Carlson (0-1, 7.11 ERA)
Randy Farley (0-1, 7.02 ERA) vs. Chang-se Park (3-0, 0.00 ERA)
Carl Bean (1-1, 4.50 ERA) vs. Manuel Alba (1-2, 3.12 ERA)

We skipped Miguel Lopez for a) his 11+ ERA and general inability, and b) the Indians being predominantly hitting right-handed after the departure of Matt Brown. The remaining half of their fear-inducing power hitters, David Lopez, was however already on six home runs, e.g. he had hit more dingers than the entire Raccoons roster COMBINED. More than half of his 11 hits had left the yard, and he had driven in 15.

Game 1
IND: 2B Montray – SS M. Jones – C Paraz – 3B D. Lopez – LF Alston – 1B J. Garcia – RF Lugo – CF J. Valdez – P Carlson
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – C Mata – 2B Palacios – P Miranda

Neither team scored through three innings, with the Raccoons leaving two on after consecutive pop outs by Cavazos and Reece in the third. Miranda had not allowed a hit through three, then gave a 1-out double to Jose Paraz. Lopez grounded to Guerin, Guerin threw it away, and the Indians were in business, reeling off three more hits plus a walk to plate five runs, all unearned, two of those runs driven in by Ben Carlson with two outs. Miranda didn’t make it past the fifth inning, while the very forgettable Ben Carlson pitched seven innings, striking out seven, and giving up nothing but a very forgettable home run to Albert Martin. Three more home runs would be hit: Valdez off Wade (solo), Brian Abrams off Blanco (solo), and in between Ours Neil off reliever Alonso Alonso – yes, really – for two runs. 7-3 Indians. Brady 2-3, 2B;

Your team plays like ****? Play the Raccoons! And your players will instantly feel better. We will (try to) play you for just $99.95!

By my estimate that’s 2,794 home runs conceded by relievers before we can afford another player, but no pains, no gains.

Game 2
IND: 2B Montray – RF Lugo – C Paraz – 3B D. Lopez – LF Alston – 1B J. Garcia – SS Matthews – CF J. Valdez – P Park
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – C Thomas – 3B Sharp – 2B Heart – P Farley

Chang-se Park had started the year with a 25-inning scoreless streak, allowing 14 hits, three walks, and fanning 16. The Furballs were no immediate threat to him not being scored on, not even getting to second base. The game was scoreless through three, but Jose Paraz rung Farley hard with a leadoff homer in the fourth inning. Randy was not getting people out, continuing a developing pattern. The Indians got another run in the inning, while Park ran his streak to 29 innings before Albert Martin put an end to his shenanigans and hit a no-outs jack in the bottom 5th to cut our gap back to 2-1. Farley soldiered on, but Juan Valdez, who had also taken deep Scott Wade the day before, hit a 2-run home run in the seventh that tilted the scales in favor of the Indians for good. Chang-se Park was not going to surrender another three runs to get them back tied. He went eight, fanned eight, and continued his winning ways, while the Raccoons were limited to four measly hits. 4-1 Indians.

Why, hel-looo, sub-.500! I missed you already! I gotta tell you the truth. I didn’t feel too well on the other side of nothing, the air was so thin and the pressure to perform – we’re much better down here, in the swampy, moist depths of the division, where nobody gives a rat’s arse about what you do and whether you hit or not. It’s sub-.500 all the way for the Coons, baby!

Game 3
IND: 2B Montray – SS M. Jones – C Paraz – 3B D. Lopez – LF Alston – 1B J. Garcia – RF Lugo – CF J. Valdez – P Alba
POR: SS Guerin – 2B Palacios – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 3B Gabriel – C Mata – LF Flores – P Bean

Carl Bean hit Montray, walked Jones, and was singled upon by Paraz. Bases loaded, no outs, throw in the towel. Lopez walked to force home a run, but the Indians scored only one more on a sac fly by Ron Alston. However, weren’t two runs enough already? Technically, with the Raccoons hopping around home plate in a confused manner, yes, but actually, no, since Reece drove home Guerin in the first, and a sac fly tied it in the second. Then again, Carl Bean encountered destruction yet again by the fourth inning. With a man on, the Indians in succession had Montray hit an infield single, Jones hit a bloop to no man’s land in shallow center, Paraz get hit, and Lopez open up the score with a double. That got Bean expulsed from the game, with Blanco offering little relief, and the final tally reading 3.1 innings and seven runs for our rotation’s assumed savior, who turned out to be an impostor, and a donkey tender by trade. Well, at least he fit in. Our highlight for the day was Marcos Bruno striking out four consecutive batters, with the Raccoons then already being well out of slam range. 12-4 Indians. Guerin 2-5, 2B, 2 RBI; Flores 2-4; Bruno 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 4 K;

The Indians have a weak offense, they said. The Indians don’t score runs, they said. Well, they scored runs. 23 runs in three games, including SEVEN ****ING HOME RUNS.

Since that miraculous 1-0 win in San Francisco on April 10, the Raccoons have played eight games, lost six, scored 34 runs, and allowed 73. SEVENTY-THREE. This includes three blowouts of a dozen runs or more, and less than six runs only once.

Here it comes. The almighty headache.

You know, we could really go to a 4-man rotation. They never throw more than 60 balls anyway in any given game.

Raccoons (7-9) vs. Thunder (8-8) – April 20-22, 2001

I took my umbrella to the park, because it was going to rain more runs. The Thunder had romped to plate 91 runs so far this year, they certainly weren’t going to stop now. Meanwhile, their pitching was average, but average was still well sufficient to stomp the Coons.

Projected matchups:
Ralph Ford (2-1, 2.37 ERA) vs. Pancho Trevino (2-0, 1.25 ERA)
Cipriano Miranda (0-3, 5.93 ERA) vs. Luis Martinez (0-0)
Miguel Lopez (0-1, 11.88 ERA) vs. Fabien Armand (2-1, 4.19 ERA)

Game 1
OCT: RF Barnes – CF Humphrey – 2B Grant – 3B Higashi – LF Bonneau – SS Liu – C Briggs – 1B D. Henry – P Trevino
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 1B Martin – 3B Sharp – C Mata – 2B Palacios – P Ford

Trevino was a 21-year old right-handed fireballer who had whiffed 21 in 21.2 innings this season. With the Inepticoons approaching him, his K/9 soon rocketed over nine, but Ralph Ford held the fort and managed to almost match Trevino’s pace. Through the top 5th, both had whiffed seven in shutout fashion. Trevino got two more in the bottom 5th, but was pitching with a man on after his own throwing error on Cavazos’ grounder, on which Higashi would have had a much better play. That put him against Brady with two out, and Brady made him pay with a huge 2-run homer to left. Ford instantly gave up a run in the top 6th, 2-1, and the Raccoons loaded the bags in the bottom 6th with two out for Reece, but Neil was just not matching up well against Trevino’s magma bolts and fell to 0-3 with 3 K. In the seventh, with one man on, Butch Kaustrop (does that ring a bell?) hit for Trevino and singled, putting Ford into a terrible hole, but the Thunder couldn’t quite sink him when Joey Humphrey struck out. Bottom 7th, bases loaded, no outs against Carlos Gonzales, Mata struck out, predictably. As did a so far 3-3 Palacios. Gilberto Flores grounded out. In the top 8th, Nordahl got through with the help of a double play, and in the bottom 8th, Guerin was on, was thrown out stealing, and THEN Cavazos singled and Reece doubled. Two in scoring position, no outs. CAN WE … PLEASE …!!!??? No. We can not. Between poor outs by Brady and Sharp, Martin walked, and we thus left the bases loaded THREE CONSECUTIVE INNINGS. As such, everybody knew that Daniel Miller would be blown up in the ninth, why even pretend it was tense? Kuang Liu grounded out to Guerin. David Vinson grounded out to Miller. Then Dan Henry drew a walk. Burton Scott pinch-hit for a bloop into shallow right that Brady missed and Reece couldn’t keep to a single. The go-ahead runs were in scoring position for the Thunder, Artie Barnes at the plate, no doubt how this is going to end, even though the pitching coach and Mata were still talking to Miller. The count went to 1-2, Barnes hit that fourth pitch, a ticket to shallow left, two runs scored, and all the **** was breaking out in tears from me. 3-2 Thunder. Cavazos 2-4, BB; Brady 2-4, BB, HR, 2 RBI; Palacios 3-5; Ford 7.0 IP, 6 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 8 K;

The police report says that the agonizing screams from inside the ballpark continued until 2:30 am that night, and that the complaining neighbors likened them to the death cries of a bobcat entangled in a bear trap, but I honestly can’t remember anything besides cutting myself excessively in the bathroom and finally passing out.

But hey, we didn’t allow four runs (or much much more) for the first time in nine games, so, yay, success!

Success in Portland is spelled with a K by the way. Suckcess.

Game 2
OCT: RF Barnes – CF Humphrey – 3B Higashi – LF Bonneau – 2B Grant – 1B D. Henry – SS Liu – C Vinson – P L. Martinez
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – 1B Martin – C Thomas – 2B Heart – P Miranda

The 24-year old Martinez, the #50 prospect in the ABL, was an international signing from Puerto Rico, who had already pitched in a few games last year. He made his season debut. The Raccoons got three extra-base hits off him in the first inning, with a 2-out homer by Daniel Sharp dealing most of the 3-run pain. The pressure was on the Thunder, who got lots of hard contact off Miranda, but somehow Ramiro Cavazos sucked up about all of those balls before they dropped in somewhere. Well, it worked for four innings. Kuang Liu led off the fifth with a fly to deep right, which Reece nipped before it could make it onto the warning track. These balls were getting deeper and deeper, and then David Vinson hit one out to cut us back to 3-1. Miranda couldn’t cut it past that, either, and the next time Vinson came up, the bags were full, and there were two outs. I don’t know how he had done it, but Vinson actually had 17 RBI on the year and was OPS’ing .932. Miranda was not going to pitch to that monster, and we got Diaz, because while Vinson was a switch-hitter, he was better against right-handers. Vinson took Diaz’ first pitch to deep left, deeper, deeper, and ---- Cavazos robbed him on the warning track. We were holding on and holding on, until Blanco entered the game, faced three men in the top 8th, didn’t retire any of them, and the Thunder casually tied the score. VINSON drove in the winning run off Nordahl. For good measure, Yohan Bonneau socked a 2-piece off Meeks in the ninth, not that Jimmy Morey needed any more cushion against the Uttercoons. 6-3 Thunder. Cavazos 2-4, 2B, RBI; Sharp 2-4, HR, 2B, 2 RBI;

Complaints by neighbors that at least two dozen Mexican children were kept in the basement of the ballpark and kept the neighborhood awake with their heart-jerking weeping all night were found to be entirely unfounded once 60 police officers had turned the building inside out for seven hours that night. Nobody found the exhausted GM, who had passed out after another night in agony, in the women’s toilet.

We designated Orlando Blanco and his 15.88 ERA for assignment. Manuel Martinez joined the team.

Game 3
OCT: RF Barnes – CF Humphrey – 2B Grant – 3B Higashi – LF Bonneau – SS Liu – C Briggs – 1B D. Henry – P Armand
POR: SS Guerin – LF Cavazos – CF Reece – RF Brady – 3B Sharp – C Thomas – 1B Heart – 2B Gabriel – P M. Lopez

Joey Humphrey hit a deep one off Lopez in the first to get the Thunder ahead early, but their Canadian lefty couldn’t make it stick just yet, with Brady singling to tie the score in the bottom 1st, but Heart eventually struck out to leave the bases loaded. Bonneau made a huge catch with two on and two out in the bottom 2nd to rob Neil Reece of some intermittent success, and all of this didn’t make Portland’s very crap starting pitcher any better. Bob Grant’s roundtripper gave the Thunder a new lead in the third. Cavazos singled home Guerin in the fourth to tie the score again, but Lopez failed to retire any of the first four batters in the top 6th for the death knell to this game, the whole week, the season, and my ambitions as a whole, landing three more RBI singles to take a more-than-commanding 7-2 lead. The Thunder had their own bullpen hiccup then and endanger a surefire win in the bottom 8th, when they just failed to get any outs. The Raccoons singled and singled and singled, and with two outs, Flores singled in a pair, and Guerin then singled in Flores. When Cavazos also singled, the tying runs were on base, with Wade lodged into Reece’s slot after an earlier double switch. Parker came out against the right-hander Ismael Navarro, but the Thunder sent left-hander Carlos Gonzales instead, and Parker grounded out. 7-5 Thunder. Guerin 2-4, BB, 2B, RBI; Cavazos 3-5, RBI; Brady 2-5, RBI; Sharp 3-5; Flores 1-2, 2B, 2 RBI;

After this particular emotionally barren loss, I wailed and slammed my head against (and breaking most of) the wall tiles in the ladies bathroom again, while even a search with the helicopter and searchlights and 200 cops and FBI agents combing through every nook and cranny of the neighborhood couldn’t turn up the sadistic pervert whom residents claimed was declawing kittens with a rusty screwdriver in front of a megaphone.

Chris Parker is 0-11 as a pinch-hitter.

I am 270-0 against chocolate bars this season, and we are only three weeks in.

In other news

April 16 – Season over for VAN SP Juan Bello (1-0, 2.75 ERA). The 22-year old has torn a flexor tendon in his elbow.
April 16 – LVA 1B/3B Javier Vargas (.283, 1 HR, 3 RBI) has strained an oblique and will miss the rest of the month.
April 16 – WAS CL Jesus Longoria (1-1, 4.77 ERA, 1 SV) has suffered a tear in his triceps and is out for two months.
April 18 – The Capitals also lose SP Takeru Sato (0-1, 2.01 ERA) with shoulder tendinitis, but he should be back by mid-May.
April 19 – VAN INF Bob Butler (.295, 4 HR, 10 RBI) will miss at least four months and the majority of the season with a torn back muscle.

Complaints and stuff

I’ve found it! The fundamental issue lying at the base of all this team’s pitching and hitting issues. It’s actually very simple, and rooted in nature:

Procyon lotor lacks opposable thumbs, and that makes it very hard for him to grab bats and throw balls in the first place.

Duh, huh? And I thought we’d keep guessing all year long!