You know what I just realized? You can actually open up the page in an external browser and just copy and paste the data into Google Sheets, and it just works.
That's actually exactly what I wanted. It just didn't even come to mind to try it. I might need to do some conditionals to get it to look nice like my existing sheet, but I think it just might work.
Edit: Just realized that it still spits out numbers like $3.8m and $538k and such. Anyone know of a way to transform those into integers within Google Sheets? Again, this is really something the game should do for you.