Two weeks on the road – two weeks of mail to go through. Well, some could be discarded right away. Maud had taken all the Portland Agitator newspapers during our road trip and had trimmed them down to the sports pages and the front page whenever the Raccoons appeared on that. There were seven bits; one for every loss on the road trip – the Agitator normally wasn’t covering the Raccoons if they couldn’t throw dirt on them – and one from April 19, for the 4-3 win in Boston on the 18th. Y’know, the one where Nick Brown struck out eight to pass Kisho Saito for the franchise strikeout lead.
The front page headline? “An Icon Destroyed” – with a picture of Kuni Sato’s feeble cut that was #2,323. Brown wasn’t even in the picture, but a smaller picture of the ONE time somebody caught Kisho Saito smiling was inserted into the top right corner.
You know what? To hell with the Agitator! (dumps all the newspaper bits)
There was also the usual mixed junk in the mail. There was an inquiry into becoming an associate sponsor by Frank’s Furs – with two locations in Portland and none anywhere else – which was exactly as bad as it sounded. What were people even thinking?
Then there was a letter from Milton, six years old, from Oregon City. “Deer Mr Wetfield” it started. What a start! Wow! “My name is Milton and I am sixx years old. I love racoons and I want to hav a raccon miself. Can you pleas tell my mom that she mus by me a racon? Thenks, Milton.” Um. “Oh, my bother Tylre, whoo is 15 helpd me with the latter.”
I don’t know whether I should be concerned about the literacy- and spelling skills of first- or tenth-graders or the poor hapless animals that occasionally wander into their yard, but I’m sure every raccoon worth his whiskers would take Tyler’s and Milton's noses straight off.
Uh, swiftly ahead! There was a letter from the president of the Make A Demand Organization in the mail. I think everybody’s familiar with Make A Demand (or MAD for short), right? They’re a for-profit organization seeking to arrange for stupid spoiled rich kids, who are otherwise totally fine except for their annoying raging sense of entitlement, to meet their idols; athletes, musicians, actors – you pick your favorite.
Their president, the entirely likeable (…) Mr Bimbo Millions, was demanding (sic!) for the teenage girls of a rather well-known Oregon lawyer, who by the ring of his name had already sued the Raccoons for supposed damages repeatedly in years past for dubious cases where someone at the park sustained serious mental trauma by the level of play on the field, to meet Craig Bowen. Why Craig Bowen? Mr Millions explained that Ebony, 16, and Malady, 14, were admiring Bowen for raking in tons of money without doing any actual work himself.
(tears letter in lots of tiny bits and pieces)
There was one last small letter in the mail that could actually be entirely overseen if you weren’t careful. It was stamped in Japan and was completely in Japanese. I called for Joe, Shunyo Yano’s interpreter, to translate it for me.
Dear Westfield-sama
I could not help but notice the great achievement by Nick Brown-shi in Boston last week.
Please forward my heart-felt congratulations to shi. Shi’s achievements make all of us greater.
With all respects
Saito Kisho
(tears are flowing freely)
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Today the Raccoons turn four years old! Let's sink our paws into the cake right now!