[Westheim]

Raccoons (20-12) vs. Rebels (22-10) – May 9-11, 2017

Here came the best team in the league by record, although they were not that great offensively, plating only the fifth-most runs in the Federal League (but if the Coons were even fifth in runs scored, they’d probably be about 29-3 now…). Thy were pitching beasts though, holding the damage to LESS than three runs per game, 94 counters in 32 games! That mark quite obviously led the ABL. The Raccoons led the CL with 106 runs allowed, but were 10th in offense in the slower-paced league.

The Rebels were still the team the Coons had the all-time worst record against with a .412 winning percentage (and not a whole lot at all in World Series games…). Dropping two of three to them last season had ended a string of five straight series wins for Portland, though, so better don’t ask how they fared against Richmond in the 80s…

Projected matchups:
Nick Brown (2-1, 5.12 ERA) vs. Dave Butler (4-0, 2.25 ERA)
Tadaso Abe (3-2, 3.69 ERA) vs. Josh Knupp (4-1, 1.60 ERA)
Bruce Morrison (2-2, 3.35 ERA) vs. Randy Jenkins (4-1, 2.80 ERA)

That’s some ERA’s! Butler was a southpaw at the start of the series, which opened on Tuesday after an off day on Monday. The other two were right-handers. It’s not like we were getting the hard part of the rotation. They were that good, as simply as that. F.e., we’d miss 4-1, 2.11 ERA pitcher Ian “Dr. Evil” Van Meter…

Game 1
RIC: CF D. Flores – 1B A. Rodriguez – RF Kimura – C J. White – SS Avila – 3B Cramer – LF Reya – 2B Otis – P D. Butler
POR: CF Duarte – 1B Petracek – SS McKnight – 3B Nunley – RF Waggoner – C Margolis – LF DeWeese – 2B Bergquist – P Brown

As expected, Brownie had nothing against the Rebels, who did him in early with a pair of doubles by ex-Critter Luis Reya. The first one was to lead off the third inning after some earlier double play action had removed enough Rebels runners to have Brown face the minimum through two innings. Reya advanced on a wild pitch (not Brown’s last one in the game) and scored on Butler’s sac fly. In the fifth, Reya’s double plated Justin Cramer from first base, and he advanced again on a wild pitch before Butler singled him in with a hard knock to centerfield, then giving the Rebels a 3-0 lead. They kept hitting, though, and Alberto Rodriguez and Tamio Kimura both came up with run-scoring hits to shove Brown into a quite definitive 5-0 hole. Laden with five runs, Brown didn’t last through six innings, while the Raccoons had the ever-present no-hit threat dispelled early by a second-inning single by Danny Margolis, but overall just didn’t matter offensively until into the late innings. It would be Margolis again to finally put something on the board, hitting a looper to left that Reya tried to make a sliding grab on, but he grossly missed the ball, which bounced in front of, then over him and hobbled all the way into the corner. The lead-footed Margolis was dashing all along and took advantage of Danny Flores not instantly making a run to back up Reya, and circled the bases with an inside-the-park home run, which failed to provoke great excitement from the crowd. It was the only blip on Dave Butler’s ledger; despite a 20-minute rain delay in the ninth inning, Butler pulled through and finished what he started, spilling only four hits to the institutionally harmless Raccoons. 5-1 Rebels. Margolis 2-3, HR, RBI;

John Korb pitched 2.1 scoreless innings despite allowing five runners, which would be the second-best effort on the team for this miserable game.

Game 2
RIC: CF D. Flores – 1B A. Rodriguez – RF Kimura – C J. White – LF Bailey – 3B Cramer – SS Avila – 2B Otis – P D. Knupp
POR: 2B Walter – CF Duarte – 3B Nunley – RF Waggoner – C Denny – LF DeWeese – SS Petracek – 1B Young – P Abe

Strikeouts by Waggoner and Denny wasted Walter and Nunley in scoring position in the first inning, and they left runners on the corners in the bottom 2nd when Abe whiffed and Walter popped out. The top 3rd saw a 1-out single by Matt Otis before Abe ill-advisedly tried to get him out on Knupp’s bunt, but threw poorly and Otis was called safe. Danny Flores walked, Alberto Rodriguez struck out, and the count on Kimura ran full before Abe threw one in the dirt to walk him and force in the first run of the game. Jamal White grounded out to Nunley, but the Coons were now down 1-0 while out-hitting the Rebels 4-1 – just one of the manifold ways to bork games.

Another one would be stranding Duarte after his leadoff double in the third, which they did expertly, and which also gave them runners left on third base in all innings so far, but in the top 4th Ricky Avila hit a 2-out single, stole second base against a sleeping Mike Denny, and scored on Otis’ single, 2-0. The Coons’ streak of futility continued with Walter grounding out to Otis in the fourth, leaving Petracek and Young in scoring position after both had walked, and Nunley was left on third base in the fifth after a double when Waggoner grounded out and Denny fouled out.

After that I decided that there were better ways to spend my days and went for one of the liquor stashes around the place. When I came back out of the bowels of the park with my friends Jack and Johnny, the park was suddenly rocking as Abe was making his warmup throws for the seventh. The hapless Critters had scored three runs in the bottom 6th and I had missed this great occasion, an event of extreme rarity, comparable to the conjunction of six planets in the solar system. DeWeese had hit a leadoff single, the scoreboard hinted at, and not only had Petracek hit an RBI double, no – LO AND BEHOLD – Adam Young had hit a score-flipping homer! ADAM YOUNG!! That one turned out to be enough. Abe got through the seventh despite hitting Flores, Thrasher axed down the Rebels in the eighth, and in the ninth Ramirez got around a leadoff walk to Cramer thanks to two strong plays by Matt Nunley. 3-2 Coons. Nunley 2-3, BB, 2 2B; DeWeese 2-4; Petracek 2-2, BB, 2B, RBI; Abe 7.0 IP, 5 H, 2 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 6 K, W (4-2);

The Rebels made a change to their rotation, moving Van Meter into the Thursday game. Not that it matters much who pitches against these Deflaticoons.

Game 3
RIC: CF D. Flores – 1B A. Rodriguez – RF Kimura – C J. White – LF Bailey – 3B Cramer – SS Avila – 2B Otis – P I. Van Meter
POR: 2B Walter – CF Duarte – SS McKnight – 3B Nunley – C Denny – LF DeWeese – RF Ochoa – 1B Young – P Morrison

Kimura opened the scoring with a solo home run in the top 1st, his 11th shot of the year, which more or less totaled the home team’s output, although they tied the score right away with a 2-out single past Cramer by Denny in the bottom 1st. Walter scored after a leadoff double. This was not Morrison’s game however, as he got waffled pretty early. The cardinal sin to walk the opposing pitcher was committed by him at the start of the third inning, and Van Meter even stole second base. Rodriguez walked, and back-to-back 2-out doubles by Jamal White and veteran Will Bailey plated three runs total.

Rain ended Morrison’s suffering early, with a delay of over an hour knocking him out after four innings, still down 4-1. He had thrown 74 pitches, but Van Meter was only on 42 pitches when play resumed and remained in the game for a long time, even striking out the side from DeWeese through Young in the seventh inning. The Raccoons had crawled a run closer with William Waggoner’s pinch-hit homer in the bottom 5th, but were still not to be considered a threat since they didn’t bring up the tying run in a 2-run game until the bottom 8th when Shane Walter hit a 1-out double into the gap in right center. Duarte struck out, but McKnight hit a ball up the rightfield line and past Kimura for an RBI double, 4-3. Unfortunately, Nunley had been removed in the first of two double switches the Raccoons had conducted in the meantime in search of long relief, which they ultimately hadn’t gotten. While none of the Coons’ relievers had allowed a run so far, some had gotten pretty close, like Jayden Reed, who loaded the bases and threw over 30 pitches before somehow making it out of his own mess, and which precluded him from a second inning. Instead, Petracek was batting fourth now, and he even hit a single, but it was too hard into right for McKnight to score against Kimura, and Denny flew out to Flores in center, stranding the tying run at third base. Instead, the Rebels clobbered Seung-mo Chun for two runs in the top 9th, moving out to 6-3 lead. Ron Sakellaris faced the Coons in the bottom 9th and allowed a leadoff double to DeWeese before retiring Ochoa and Johnson, with DeWeese moving to third base. Bergquist was batting ninth and grounded to short, but Avila’s momentum carried him to the outfield and he couldn’t make a throw, allowing Bergquist to reach with an infield single, scoring DeWeese, and bringing up the tying run in Shane Walter, who hit a double to centerfield, putting the tying runs in scoring position, only for Duarte to fly out to Kimura. 6-4 Rebels. Walter 3-5, 3 2B; McKnight 2-4, 2B, RBI; Petracek 1-1; Denny 2-4, RBI; Waggoner (PH) 1-1, HR, RBI; Bergquist 1-2, RBI; Beaver 1.2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K;

You know, Johnny. You’re my bessstessst friennnd … innnn sssssworld. (thumps off the chair)

Raccoons (21-14) vs. Titans (8-25) – May 12-14, 2017

Boston was on fire, I heard, with the Titans playing some abysmal kind of baseball. While the Raccoons were suffering from horrendous offense and were still winging a .600 winning percentage and second place, the Titans were the outright worst team in the league. Despite outscoring the Critters and ranking seventh in total counters, their pitching was virtually non-existent and was conceding over 5.5 runs per game, by far the worst in the ABL. The rotation was already bad with a 4.74 ERA, but the pen was even worse. We had swept them in the first 3-game set of the season.

Projected matchups:
Jonathan Toner (3-2, 1.76 ERA) vs. Jose Fuentes (1-3, 5.64 ERA)
Hector Santos (4-2, 2.98 ERA) vs. Eric Rasmussen (0-1, 3.33 ERA)
Nick Brown (2-2, 5.76 ERA) vs. Zach Boyer (2-4, 2.61 ERA)

It should be mentioned that the Raccoons in their first set with the Titans (who would oppose us with three right-handers) performed at the league average, scoring 17 runs in three games of them, but it should also be mentioned that we didn’t see Zach Boyer and that the porous Nick Brown was not involved then.

Game 1
BOS: SS M. Rivera – 2B J. Gutierrez – 1B S. Butler – C T. Robinson – RF Branch – 3B T. Thomas – CF Blake – LF Mascorro – P J. Fuentes
POR: 2B Walter – CF Duarte – 3B Nunley – RF Waggoner – C Denny – LF DeWeese – SS McKnight – 1B Young – P Toner

The home crowd was unruly early on in this game. Toner struck out seven in the first three innings, allowing only a single to Tom Thomas, then was hit by Fuentes at the start of the bottom 3rd. The fans would not take that one lightly – the Titans better watch their necks. Walter singled, moving Toner to second base, but that was as far as the Coons would move, with Duarte, Nunley, and Waggoner making three measly outs at record pace. Jose Gutierrez then opened the fourth with a double and scored on Robinson’s single, with frustration setting in once more.

The bottom 6th saw the Coons still trail 1-0, with Toner on 11 K. Nunley opened with a single to center before Waggoner rolled a pitch slowly up the first base line. Fuentes and Butler got into each other’s personal space and no play was made, leaving the Raccoons with the bases loaded and no outs once Denny worked a walk. The fans were ALL on their feet, chanting, and DEMANDING runs. This was a Friday night crowd, and it didn’t accept to be angered after a long work week. DeWeese hit a fly to Robert Mascorro in left that was just barely deep enough for Nunley to tag and score – tied game. McKnight singled, reloading the bases for Young, which was never a reason for excitement. He struck out, as did Toner, batting for himself. – Hey, have you seen our bench?

While Toner worked like a madman and sat at 110 pitches and 15 strikeouts through eight innings – which was also the curtain call in a not too important game in May – the Raccoons batters remained a distinctly unlikeable bunch. The seventh inning saw a Duarte single and nothing else of value, and in the eighth DeWeese hit a 1-out single, then was forced by McKnight, all against the left-hander Bill Dean, which added that extra bit of impossibility to the gold level quest of scoring one ****ing run. With two outs and McKnight on first base, Margolis batted for Young for the sake of his right-handed bat. The Titans disregarded him, and it cost them as Margolis fired a liner into the gap in right center and plated McKnight for the go-ahead run with the double. Petracek flew out to center in Toner’s spot, and the ball wandered to Alex Ramirez for the ninth, and with one out he would throw eight straight balls to Tim Robinson and Ezra Branch. The fans – at the brink of a riot – were shouting all kinds of stuff that not even I would dare to mutter. Xavier Williams grounded to Petracek, who took the out at second base, keeping the go-ahead run away from scoring position, but the tying run was at third for Jonathan Blake, who had the Titans’ only other extra base hit in the game, a double. He grounded to the right side, convenient for Walter, who forewent McKnight’s assistance and handily beat Williams to second base to end the game. 2-1 Blighters. Nunley 2-4; McKnight 2-4; Margolis (PH) 1-1, 2B, RBI; Toner 8.0 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 0 BB, 15 K, W (4-2);

Game 2
BOS: SS M. Rivera – CF Blake – 1B S. Butler – C T. Robinson – RF Branch – 3B T. Thomas – 2B J. Stephenson – LF Mascorro – P Rasmussen
POR: SS Walter – CF Duarte – 3B Nunley – RF Waggoner – C Denny – LF DeWeese – 1B Ochoa – 2B Bergquist – P Santos

Offense! The Raccoons batted round the order in the first inning, although they started slow with Duarte reaching on an error and still on second base with two outs. He stole second base, then scored on Waggoner’s single. Denny singled, and reached second when Waggoner stole third base. DeWeese walked onto the open base in a full count before Ochoa and Bergquist both came up with singles, plating one and two runs, respectively. Santos then struck out, but held a 4-0 lead, which was a bit in danger against the bottom of the order in the third inning. Joe Stephenson was the Titans’s first runner after a 1-out single, and when Rasmussen bunted, Ochoa took too long to make a play, allowing him to reach on a single. After Mike Rivera popped out, Jonathan Blake was retired on a nifty grab by Walter, ending the inning. The bottom 3rd was Rasmussen’s last, although the Coons again got going on an error, this time Tom Thomas missing Denny’s poor roller. DeWeese singled, Ochoa doubled to plate them both, and Rasmussen was canned after Santos’ 2-out blooper that fell in for an RBI single and ran the score to 7-0, despite five runs being unearned.

But the Raccoons could never have an easy game, ever. Santos blew up in the fourth inning. The Titans had made hard contact before, but in the fourth they just slaughtered him. Ezra Branch hit a 2-run homer, but that wasn’t all. Santos walked two and allowed another hit to load the bases, then balked in the Titans’ third run before Rivera hit a soft line to center that not only fell in but also went through Duarte’s legs. Two runs scored, 7-5, runner on second with two outs. Blake hit another hard shot right at Walter, who was almost disemboweled, but made the play to end the inning from hell. In the bottom of the same inning, Brett Dill managed to put Coons in scoring position with no outs with a combo of walk, wild pitch, walk, passed ball, with Mike Denny not knowing whether to even look or not. He eventually did look and fouled out, followed by DeWeese grounding out to first and Ochoa flying out to left. Nobody scored. Fans were exasperated.

Santos found himself binned after a 1-out single in the fifth by Robinson. Chris Mathis replaced him, walked Branch, but then got a sharp grounder to short from Tom Thomas that was turned for two by Walter. Craziness would subside a bit after that, with neither team amounting to much in the sixth and seventh. Robinson hit a leadoff single off Thrasher in the top 8th, but was forced on Branch’s grounder and Jayden Reed retired the right-handers after that. The bottom of the inning saw Dean pitching and conceding singles to Nunley and Denny. Margolis hit for Reed, with DeWeese having departed in a double switch earlier, and legged out a soft grounder for a bases-loading infield single, pulling up Ochoa, who already had three ribbies in the game, sent a drive to right, but had it caught by Branch, ending the inning. Alex Ramirez inherited the 7-5 score, and as usual had to put someone on base to feel the thrill. Mascorro’s leadoff single to center wasn’t fatal right away, and Ramirez got two outs before Blake hit a screamer up the rightfield line and into the corner for an RBI triple, putting the tying run 90 feet away with Steve Butler coming up. Butler was batting 96 points below his 2016 average, so he was probably due one, tattering a 3-1 fastball well outta right center to flip the score. Robinson made it a double-whammy with a rocket that left via centerfield. 9-7 Titans. Nunley 2-4, BB; Denny 2-5; Ochoa 2-5, 2B, 3 RBI; Mathis 1.2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 2 K;

This was Ramirez’ first blown save. It was also Butler’s third homer of the season. He’s batting .224 …

This ****ing team of assholes. They score seven runs, and they still find a ****ing way to lose. I hate them. I hate all of them.

Oh for furballs’ sake, Brownie’s next. Maud, I need tissues!!

Game 3
BOS: SS M. Rivera – 2B J. Gutierrez – 1B S. Butler – C T. Robinson – RF Branch – 3B T. Thomas – CF Blake – LF Mascorro – P Boyer
POR: 2B Walter – CF Duarte – 3B Nunley – RF Waggoner – LF DeWeese – C Margolis – SS McKnight – 1B Young – P Brown

Margolis found the bases loaded after two singles and a walk cobbled together by his team mates in the first inning, and hit a hard single to center to plate the first two runs of the game. Other than Rasmussen the day before, however, Boyer held up and got out of the inning by retiring McKnight. While Nick Brown continued to feast on the tears of his defense, he also hit a single and scored in the bottom 2nd, aided by a Walter double and Duarte’s groundout, running the score to 3-0, although the Titans lobbed some edges off that lead fairly quickly. Blake opened the third with a homer to left center, and Mascorro would then reach on Walter’s error. Boyer bunted, Rivera singled, Mascorro scored, Brown looked helpless, 3-2 in the middle of the third.

The bottom 3rd and 5th would see very similar proceedings. Margolis would open the offensive attempts with a single. The first time he scored on McKnight’s triple, but the second time remained on base himself. Both times the Titans ended up walking Young intentionally with two outs to get to Brown, who made hard contact twice, and twice was denied, grounding out Gutierrez and flying out to Blake, respectively. 4-2 through five, tension rose with Gutierrez’ leadoff single in the sixth, but Butler would hit into a double play, which was a very efficient way to collect outs if you couldn’t strike out anybody. A double play was only two outs, however, and the Titans quickly reflooded the bases. Robinson was hit, Branch doubled, and Thomas walked. There was a left-hander up in Blake, but by now this hardly counted. Brownie still faced him, allowed a rocket to the left side on the first pitch, and Nunley instinctively swiped at something that looked like a cruise missile and came up with the ball for the third out. Mascorro opened the seventh with a double to right, but the Titans would manage to give Nick Brown an enormous free pass. Armando Galan hit for Boyer, struck out (which was newsworthy in itself), Mascorro was caught stealing third on 1-1 against Rivera, with the pitch even a strike, and Rivera went down swinging on the next pitch, ending the seventh inning a really, really hard day at the office for everybody involved. The Coons managed to have two on with nobody out in the bottom 7th, but Young hit into a double play when he finally got the chance, and Ochoa grounded out. With Ramirez (especially) and Thrasher unavailable for the game, we had to find other ways for the late innings. Reed pitched the eighth on seven pitches, giving each outfielder a fly ball of not too much challenge, but the ninth would be on Kevin Beaver, with three left-handers in the first four batters, starting with Branch. After he K’ed and Thomas flew out to Petracek in center, Beaver was a strike away before Blake hit a double to left on 1-2. Right-hander Jasper Holt appeared to bat eighth, but was only hitting .148 this season. Beaver remained in the game and chopped him up. 4-2 Brownies…! Walter 2-5, 2B; Margolis 4-4, 2 RBI; McKnight 2-4, 3B, RBI; Brown 7.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 3 K, W (3-2) and 1-3;

In other news

May 9 – The Scorpions announce that a rib cage injury will keep 2B/SS Ricky Luna (.264, 4 HR, 16 RBI) on the DL for the rest of the month.
May 10 – OCT SP Jorge Gine (4-2, 3.35 ERA) 3-hits the Blue Sox and claims victory in a 5-0 shutout.
May 10 – The Scorpions score four or more runs in three separate innings in a 16-1 whipping of the Falcons.
May 11 – Gine’s mark is topped by PIT SP Pedro Hernandez (4-3, 2.63 ERA), who spins a 2-hitter against the Aces, who suffer an 11-0 rout.
May 11 – Season over for DEN SP/MR Ernesto Lozano (1-1, 1.88 ERA), who has been diagnosed with a torn rotator cuff.
May 12 – Another shutout for the Thunder, as SP Brian Furst (3-3, 6.62 ERA) 2-hits the Bayhawks in a 5-0 win to liven up his stats.
May 12 – The Rebels completely maul the Blue Sox in a 15-0 firestorm, plating 12 runs in the sixth inning alone.
May 13 – An oblique strain puts star PIT SS Tom McWhorter (.255, 8 HR, 23 RBI) out for the next two weeks minimum.
May 13 – Knights and Condors slap away at another with the Knights eventually securing a 12-11 walkoff win, reasonably close for out-hitting the Condors 17-7. More than half (13 of 23) of the runs is scored in the seventh inning, a 7-spot for the Condors, and half a dozen for the Knights.
May 13 – The Loggers crunch the Crusaders with an 11-run seventh inning, winning 11-3 eventually.

Complaints and stuff

… and then there was the year when Danny Margolis (1.250 SLG this week) was our best batter, and then the franchise was relocated to Rexburg, Idaho, where the appalling team would offend less people. Sunday games especially were a breeze – everybody was at the temple, and the renamed Pilgrims could lose 2-1 in 11 innings in privacy.

For ****’s sake, Margolis had nine at-bats this week and was Player of the Week in the CL. He hit .889 with 1 HR and 4 RBI, which probably loses the league all credibility.

We didn’t see much of it, but the headlines should indicate that this was a week of routs. Not that the Raccoons noticed any of it. Every game they ever play seems to be 2-1 at every time. Next week we’ll start with four games against the Arrowheads, a series that will probably end up split while the Crusaders rumble past us.

This is as good a point as any to point out our fake record. We only have a +9 run differential, and we’re three games above our expected record, which would be the biggest deviation since 2009, and it’s only May.

Lozano, 24, was a minor league Raccoon for less than a year. Originally signed by the Falcons, he came over to us in the set of prospects that we got for John Alexander in July of 2013. The following year we divested ourselves of the contract of Joe Cowan and included him in the deal with the Gold Sox, receiving Rob Howell for his second tour of duty along with a longshot demi-prospect that has since been dumped, Reynaldo Irizarry.

Nick Brown wants a new contract for 2018. I need to break this to him as diplomatically as possible, which is why I hired a new assistant. (presents a green sock with two halves of a ping pong ball sewn on) Meet Mr. Smiley, the always-upbeat sock puppet! (adds a friendly smile and irises with a permanent marker) – Thanks, Mr. Smiley, I also feel like my face is less pale than yesterday. So, how are you? – Oh, that’s good to hear! – Yes, the weather is very nice, and I also think it will be even better in June!