[Westheim]

Originally Posted by Here we go Juneau

Westheim! I know you have gotten this before, but thanks so much for the awesome Raccoon epic you've been writing for a while now. I know you won't believe me, but over the last few months I've read/skimmed :P through this entire post, and I've definitely enjoyed your writing.

I'm a major fictional ootp guy myself, and in every league I always create a Portland Raccoons team in your honor. Keep it up!

P.S (my fictional version of Portland are also generally inepticoons, minus the time they knocked my Juneau Wolfpack out of the divisional round of the playoffs when we had been the best team in baseball that season. I still have terrible flashbacks)

You, sir, are showing some right determination! This effort necessitates reward. I therefore award you this precious medal made from shards of broken bones of Daniel Hall, Neil Reece, and Cookie Carmona, and salt of the many tears I shed...!

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Raccoons (51-36) vs. Canadiens (38-47) – July 7-9, 2017

This was the last series before the All Star break. The Coons were up against the Elks just in time to make me suffer through said break, which wasn’t the wildest of ideas given that they were quite miserable at 17 1/2 games out, with the second-worst offense in the league and barely adequate pitching, but so far had shown the Critters a long nose and had taken five of the nine games played so far this season.

Projected matchups:
Damani Knight (2-3, 4.54 ERA) vs. Steve Kreider (6-5, 4.50 ERA)
Bruce Morrison (7-6, 3.43 ERA) vs. Kevin Clayton (3-9, 5.70 ERA)
Jonathan Toner (10-4, 1.87 ERA) vs. Bill King (0-0, 4.35 ERA)

Jonny would start in the final regular season game before the All Star Game instead of participating in that, which had reasons rooted in realpolitik. Can’t let those Indians get even further away by starting the slacking Chris Munroe, who had the most awful turnaround from 2016…

The Elks would send three right-handed pitchers into the series, also partly due to their ace Sam McMullen (9-6, 2.14 ERA), there only remaining left-hander after Jose Flores’ early demise, laboring on back tightness and probably getting a bit more rest now.

Game 1
VAN: RF K. Evans – SS Lawrence – CF Rocha – 1B Quebell – C Little – 2B P. Green – LF Varone – 3B Grooms – P Kreider
POR: 2B Walter – 3B Nunley – 1B Mendoza – LF DeWeese – RF Waggoner – C Denny – SS McKnight – C Petracek – P Knight

Damani Knight got raked for three runs in the first inning, including a 2-run homer by Adrian Quebell, which did not amuse the home crowd. While technically knocked out during a rain delay, this was once more a start that looked badly like Knight’s last for the franchise. He basically didn’t get anybody out without major defensive heroics by all other Critters involved, and Waggoner, Walter, and McKnight all had at least one eye-opening play. Knight’s tenure expired during a 1-hour rain delay in the fifth inning, with the Raccoons down 4-2 and with a man on, although Chris Mathis would take care of that after play resumed. The Coons didn’t have an earned base runner the first time through the order, then had runners on the corners for Tiger with two outs in the bottom 3rd, but he grounded out to Pat Green. DeWeese opened the fourth with a jack before Waggoner doubled and worked his way around. Kreider also got no claim on the win, also knocked out by the rain. Right-hander Scott Hanson took over in the bottom 5th, walked Walter and Nunley, but then got three pathetic outs from the middle of the order with two whiffs (Mendoza, Waggoner) and a pop to short (DeWeese).

Mathis conceded another run in the sixth inning on a single and three walks before Waggoner spoiled a pop off Morgan Little’s bat before it could dink into shallow right, hit off Jayden Reed, the disgraced Mathis’ replacement, but Reed created his own mess that had to be cleaned up by Beaver in the following inning. The Raccoons actually got the tying run to the plate in the bottom 7th after Walter reached on a 1-out bloop single and Nunley added himself when southpaw Orlando Valdez dropped his pop. Bottom 8th, tying run at the plate again after a Waggoner single off Valdez, and then a Denny single off Juan Jimenez, another left-handed reliever. McKnight appeared and hit into his second double play of the game, and despite Cookie’s 2-out RBI single the Raccoons had just wasted the last opportunity they were going to get. Instead, Alex Ramirez, the closer-turned-dud, allowed another run on nothing but hard contact in the ninth. To be fair, Shane Walter did hit a leadoff single in the bottom 9th – he just was thrown out aimlessly dawdling to second base. 6-3 Canadiens. Walter 2-3, 2 BB; Waggoner 2-4, 2B; Denny 2-3, BB; Carmona (PH) 1-1, RBI;

0-5, K, 6 LOB. Mendoza is starting to blend in with the team…

Game 2
VAN: RF K. Evans – 2B Rinehart – CF Rocha – 1B Quebell – C Little – SS Lawrence – LF Varone – 3B Grooms – P Clayton
POR: CF Carmona – SS Walter – RF Mendoza – LF DeWeese – 3B Nunley – C Denny – 1B Young – 2B Petracek – P Morrison

Another day, another 3-spot in the first, and again for the team with bad breath. Morrison walked the first two and allowed a single to Mario Rocha, before RBI singles were hit by ****ing Adrian Quebell and Jaylin Lawrence. Manlio Varone’s sac fly was the cherry on top. Cookie opened the bottom 1st with a single but was instantly wiped when Walter grounded to Jeff Rinehart for a double play. I had enough already and went for a stroll into the storage in the cellar under the clubhouse. I opened a box labelled with just ‘1993’, took out the framed team photo after the Capitals had been beaten, which already had plenty of marks from dried tears on the glass and just let emotions burst out for a bit. We weren’t ever going to get back to taking another photo like that. Not this year, not in 10 years, and not as long as the world would keep turning absentmindedly.

About 90 minutes later I went back to my office, where I found Maud, who had been worried about no sounds coming from the room despite the kind of game that was taking place. As I stepped up to the window front, the scoreboard showed it to be the fifth inning, neither starting pitcher still alive, and the Coons down 5-4 with the bases loaded, two outs, and Hanson pitching to Petracek. The fiendish ex-Elk struck out, because what else would he do? My fault for bringing in traitors. Maud told me I had missed another five runners left on base, two more double plays, and that the potential sponsor she had tried to entertain had instead gotten into a conversation with the Elks’ press guy, a sleezy guy with think, fingerprint-littered glasses and a pronounced lisp. Also Kevin Clayton had left with an injury, but Bruce Morrison had been canned for sucking. I had guessed as much from the scoreboard.

Ron Thrasher walked two after Chris Grooms’ leadoff double in the top 6th. Mario Rocha batted with one out, hit a liner into the gap and sealed the game with a bases-clearing double. Kurt Evans would drive in two runs against John Korb in the seventh, while the Raccoons actually managed to bring up the somebody with the bases loaded and two outs twice. Once, Nunley hit a 2-run single before Denny grounded out. The other time Young hit a ****ty fly to shallow right that didn’t do anything. 10-6 Canadiens. Carmona 2-5; Nunley 3-4, BB, 2B, 3 RBI; Denny 2-3, 2B;

The Indians won both their games on the weekend so far, so the season was heading for its merciless end. Now 7 1/2 games out and completely hopeless, the Raccoons were trundling towards another meaningless August and September.

Game 3
VAN: RF K. Evans – 2B Rinehart – CF Rocha – 1B Quebell – C Little – LF Cameron – SS Lawrence – 3B Grooms – P B. King
POR: CF Carmona – 3B Nunley – 1B Mendoza – LF DeWeese – RF Waggoner – C Margolis – SS McKnight – 2B Bergquist – P Toner

While Jonny battled through the adverse conditions of the Elks’ beastly stench and an early rain delay, spot starter Bill King sat down the first ten Critters before Nunley rolled a single through Lawrence with one out in the fourth. Mendoza had a drive to deep right spoiled by Evans before King hit DeWeese. Waggoner and Margolis then hit consecutive drives to right that Evans didn’t get, both of them getting run-scoring doubles for three runs total and a 3-0 lead for Jonny. Evans also defused drives by Cookie and Nunley in the bottom 5th. This was after Bergquist and Toner had reached base on walks to start the inning, but at least they were deep outs and Bergquist scored on a sac fly eventually. The Raccoons would not get another actual base hit until another Waggoner double in the eighth inning, then off righty Armando Gonzales, but the crowd at least got to see some of the best pitching you could see these days from their own guy, who was carrying an effortless shutout into the ninth inning, where he pinpointed out pinch-hitter Mike Gershkovich with a precision fastball in a full count, then got the last two outs from Mendoza, who caught Evans’ foul pop and picked up Rinehart’s grounder to end the game. 4-0 Coons. Waggoner 2-3, 2 2B, 2 RBI; Toner 9.0 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 12 K, W (11-4);

Unfortunately the Indians completed a sweep of the Crusaders, so our distance at the break remained a frustrating 7 1/2 games, with the Crusaders right back on the plate afterwards.

All Star Game

Jonny Toner was the only pitcher for the Raccoons at the All Star Game, while their only batting representative was going to be … Shane Walter. Cookie was infamously snubbed once again. One more reason not to bother about the glorified bull****ting going on in Vegas.

In the bull****ting event the CL piled eight runs on the FL in the seventh inning to claim victory in an 11-2 rout. Some bloody insane ****tard actually had Jonny Toner pitch an inning 48 hours removed from a 108-pitch complete game effort, so I guess I will have to throw rocks at the league office again. Shane Walter pinch-hit and struck out. Atlanta’s Devin Hibbard hit two home runs, including a 3-piece off Angel Casas and drove in four, earning MVP honors.

Raccoons (52-38) @ Crusaders (42-47) – July 13-16, 2017

The Crusaders were still an annoying, though ancient and fragile, bunch. Having lost four in a row (most of those to the Indians of course), they were seventh in runs scored and tenth in runs allowed. Last week’s 4-game split now had the season series at 5-3 in Portland’s favor, which was just not enough going forward.

Projected matchups:
Tadasu Abe (9-8, 3.19 ERA) vs. Bob King (9-8, 4.21 ERA)
Hector Santos (4-4, 3.24 ERA) vs. Hwa-pyung Choe (4-8, 6.99 ERA)
Jonathan Toner (11-4, 1.74 ERA) vs. Jaylen Martin (8-10, 3.48 ERA)
Bruce Morrison (7-7, 3.69 ERA) vs. Fernando Cruz (8-5, 5.23 ERA)

Cruz would be the only left-hander on Sunday, but in all honesty, due to the break they could still juggle things.

Game 1
POR: CF Carmona – 2B Walter – 1B Mendoza – LF DeWeese – RF Waggoner – 3B Nunley – C Denny – SS McKnight – P Abe
NYC: LF M. Ortíz – CF Paraz – 1B Gilbert – RF W. Jones – 3B M. Salinas – 2B C. Martinez – C Lowe – SS Paull – P Bo. King

The Coons hit the ball right where they had to in the first inning and exploited Jose Paraz, who was 40 years old and played like it, for a massive 5-run outburst right in the opening frame. DeWeese tripled past Paraz to score Cookie and Tiger initially, after which Waggoner hit a ball past Eric Paull to run the score to 3-0. Nunley reached on a Carlos Martinez error, and then Mike Denny doubled past Paraz once again to run the score to 5-0. Then Abe, the fool, stepped on the mound and loaded the bases without retiring anybody, allowing a single to Paraz, sandwiched between 4-pitch walks to both Martin Ortíz and ****ing Ray Gilbert. Two runs ended up scoring, and Abe cost the team a run in the third inning with a ****ty bunt attempt, too. Nunley had already scored after a leadoff walk and consecutive soft lines by Denny and McKnight that fell for singles in front of Martin Ortíz, when Abe got Denny forced on third base and nobody else scored in the inning, which ended at 6-2. At least his pitching picked up slightly in the middle innings, and the Coons tacked on a run in the sixth with a solo jack by DeWeese, 7-2. Abe logged seven innings eventually despite the miserable start, with Ortíz hitting into an inning-ending double play entangling Francisco Caraballo on Abe’s 101st pitch of the game. The Critters tacked on a pair of runs in the top 8th, starting with Brandon Johnson, who hit for Abe and singled. Cookie tripled to drive him in (also in the vague direction of Paraz’ lawn chair) and scored on Walter’s groundout. 9-2 Furballs. Carmona 3-5, 3B, RBI; DeWeese 2-3, 2 BB, 3B, 3 RBI; Waggoner 2-5, RBI; Denny 2-5; McKnight 4-5, RBI; Johnson (PH) 1-2; Abe 7.0 IP, 7 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 BB, 2 K, W (10-8);

Game 2
POR: LF Carmona – CF Petracek – 3B Walter – RF Mendoza – C Denny – SS McKnight – 2B Bergquist – 1B Young – P Santos
NYC: LF M. Ortíz – CF Paraz – 1B Gilbert – RF W. Jones – 3B M. Salinas – 2B C. Martinez – C Lowe – SS Paull – P F. Cruz

After a few games of being completely absent from the lineup, “Tiger” hit an RBI single to plate Petracek for the first run in the game, right in the first inning. The effect on Santos that this early run had was not entirely positive. He allowed a single to Ortíz and walked Paraz to start his day, and presumably only bailed out because Gilbert fouled out and Winston Jones hit into a double play that McKnight turned very nicely. Santos remained wonky early on, but the Coons would soon set a big mark, and it wasn’t exactly the guy you expected that from. Denny opened the fourth with a single, but was soon forced by McKnight. Bergquist singled past Martinez to put two on, after which Adam Young swatted a 3-piece to right to run the score to 4-0. Young? A homer? What?

Young actually got another base hit off the left-hander Cruz in the sixth inning. Following Bergquist’s 2-out walk with a single to right, Young brought up Santos, who hit a looper into the gap in left center, and that gap was pretty big between the limited ranges of the ancient Ortíz and Paraz. Santos had an RBI double, 5-0, before Cookie fouled out. The Coons would leave the bases loaded in the seventh, but Santos didn’t need any more runs, pitching efficiently after the mild early drama, and went on to collect all but four outs. Beaver and Ramirez (who needed work outside of gun-to-the-head situations) ended the game without any comeback threat from the New Yorkers. 5-0 Raccoons. DeWeese (PH) 1-1, 2B; Denny 1-2, 2 BB; Young 3-4, HR, 3 RBI; Santos 7.2 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 4 K, W (5-4) and 1-3, 2B, RBI;

This was the first win for Hector Santos in a dozen starts. He had last beaten the Wolves on May 7, also in a 5-0 game. He had gone 0-2 with 10 no-decisions in the meantime, but had never allowed zero runs, so maybe it was all his fault after all.

Game 3
POR: CF Carmona – 2B Walter – 1B Mendoza – LF DeWeese – RF Waggoner – 3B Nunley – C Denny – SS McKnight – P Toner
NYC: LF M. Ortíz – CF Paraz – 1B Gilbert – RF W. Jones – 3B M. Salinas – 2B C. Martinez – C Lowe – SS Paull – P Choe

Choe had beaten Jonny in an absolute killer of a game on Independence Day so I was not exactly preferring him over “Midnight” Martin, and he started the game by striking out Cookie, which immediately made me put another scratch into the loss column. Choe sat down the first seven before McKnight singled in the third inning. Toner bunted him to second, after which Cookie walked and Walter singled to load the bases for an uncomfortably struggling Tiger, who ran a full count without finding something to poke the stick at. Choe missed grossly on the first 3-2 pitch, walking him and pushing in the first run of the game. DeWeese now batted and hit another one past Paraz, a 2-out, bases-clearing triple to run the score to 4-0. The parade ended when Waggoner walked and was caught stealing, and the Crusaders soon were on the upswing again. There was something about Jonny that they liked a lot, and they hammered a huge dent into him in the bottom 4th. Winston Jones hit a 1-out double, Miguel Salinas walked, and Carlos Martinez hit an RBI single. Lowe made a poor out, which almost put Toner out of the woods if he could get Eric Paull, but in fact he was lucky that Paull’s hard shot to left wasn’t five feet higher or the game would have been tied. As it was, it rammed off the wall and confused a startled R.J. DeWeese long enough to become a 2-out, 2-run triple. Choe struck out, but the Crusaders were only one run back, 4-3.

Cookie was left on third base when Mendoza struck out (…!) and DeWeese lifted out to Jones in the fifth. The top 6th started with singles by Waggoner and Nunley, both to right center, who went to the corners. Denny lined a pitch up the rightfield line for an RBI double, after which the Crusaders put McKnight on intentionally, then brought a new pitcher in Dave Shannon for Jonny Toner, which was a bit odd. Bases loaded, no outs in a 5-3 game, Jonny ran a full count before lifting a soft fly to left center – and once again bad defense betrayed the poor sod pitching for New York. The ball fell in for an RBI single, 6-3, and kept the line moving. Shannon faced for Raccoons in a row that would drive in a run each then, as Cookie walked, Walter hit a sac fly, Mendoza singled, and DeWeese doubled. Only then did Waggoner strike out and that was only the second out in a 6-run frame. Nunley grounded sharply up the middle where Paull made a splendid play to zing the ball to first base in time to get Shannon off the mound, now in a 10-3 contest. Jonny was removed from the game after a perfect, but fairly long (17 pitches) bottom 6th, to be preserved for future heroics.

A Cookie sac fly added a run in the top 7th before the Coons got to see a healed up Curtis Tobitt in long relief, his first appearance of the season after missing a good year after Tommy John Surgery. Despite putting Mendoza on with an error and allowing a single to DeWeese right afterwards, all with nobody out in the eighth inning, Tobitt had a scoreless inning, thanks to Nunley being doubled up. That was before the Crusaders came within two batters of placing the tying run in the batter’s box. Starting the bottom 8th down 11-3, they placed two runners on base thanks to walks issued by Jayden Reed, who was promptly roughed up on two hard hits including a double off the fence by Drew Lowe. Mathis replaced him with three runs across, drilled Paull, but then got a grounder to third from Caraballo to end the inning. The uprising was not successful. Instead, the Coons got a run off Salvadaro Soure in the ninth, ending the game with a swift dozen runs. 12-6 Critters. Carmona 1-2, 2 BB, 2 RBI; DeWeese 3-5, 3B, 2B, 4 RBI; Nunley 2-5; Denny 2-4, BB, 2 2B, RBI; Petracek (PH) 1-1; McKnight 2-4; Young (PH) 1-2;

Offense. We’ve now won four in a row for a change, and the Indians dropped two in the meantime, getting us back to 5 1/2, which is still not where we want to be, but better than a few days ago.

Game 4
POR: CF Carmona – 2B Walter – RF Mendoza – LF DeWeese – 3B Nunley – 1B Young – C Margolis – SS McKnight – P Morrison
NYC: LF M. Ortíz – CF Paraz – 1B Gilbert – RF W. Jones – 3B M. Salinas – 2B C. Martinez – C Lowe – SS Paull – P J. Martin

Consecutive 2-out doubles by Gilbert, Jones, and Salinas put the Crusaders 2-0 ahead in the first, and once more Morrison didn’t look like anything you’d want in your rotation. The Crusaders had two more on base in the bottom 2nd and Morrison only escaped when he encountered Paraz at the right time. Paraz, old and blind, struck out routinely, and that was Morrison’s escape. The Raccoons offense was completely dead against “Midnight” Martin. They had two on in the second, but Margolis hit into a double play, and when they had two more on in the fifth with nobody out, Margolis was the first to strike out. McKnight was the second, and after Morrison hit an actual, ****ing RBI single, Cookie was the third. Bottom 5th, with the world upside down, as Paraz hit a leadoff single and Morrison didn’t hesitate to put Gilbert on as well. A run scored on Nunley’s error on Jones’ grounder, and Morrison just didn’t offer any resistance anymore. He was done after five innings, having allowed four runs.

The Coons only got the tying run up against Martin in unearned fashion in the seventh. Martin had thrown poorly on Nunley’s grounder that opened the inning, and Gilbert hadn’t been able to come up with it. McKnight blooped for a 2-out single, but Waggoner bounced the ball right into Martin’s pocket to end the inning. Top 8th, 1-out single by Walter, and a walk drawn by Mendoza (which was better than the 16th soft fly out in the series…) made DeWeese appear as the tying run, which was little hope given his tendencies and Martin’s combination of a 98mph fastball and knowledge of the corners. In mindboggling fashion, the count ran to 3-1 before DeWeese poked and flew out to left. The Coons again didn’t score, Martin allowed only five hits in eight innings, and while McKnight hit a double off Helio Maggessi in the ninth, that was with two outs and pointless. 4-1 Crusaders. McKnight 2-4, 2B;

In other news

July 7 – Atlanta’s Stephen Quirion (9-7, 3.80 ERA) spins a 3-hit shutout over the helpless Falcons, who go down 6-0 to the Knights. Quirion now has two shutouts in his last three starts.
July 7 – With a torn flexor tendon in his elbow, OCT SP Jorge Gine (9-4, 3.09 ERA) will be out for the rest of this season and will also be questionable for the start of the 2018 campaign.
July 9 – The Miners out-hit the Cyclones, 8-4, but somehow never make it around the bases. Instead, the Cyclones take a 3-0 win.
July 11 – The Canadiens deal 1B Mike Gershkovich (.319, 3 HR, 10 RBI in 94 AB) to the Stars for SP A.J. Bartels (5-10, 5.37 ERA).
July 11 – SFW LF/RF Jose “Dingus” Morales (.349, 20 HR, 82 RBI) will be out until late August with a fractured wrist.
July 13 – Career hits leader PIT LF Victorino Sanchez (.335, 6 HR, 35 RBI) continues to make a case for 4,000 base hits. The 38-year old snips five singles in the Miners’ 9-2 win over the Rebels to reach 3,824.
July 13 – The Condors pick up 25-yr old RF/LF Robert Mascorro (.279, 1 HR, 15 RBI) from the Titans, parting with unranked prospect 1B Jon Gonzalez, who is said to have untapped power potential.
July 13 – Shoulder inflammation might mean that the season of NAS SP Jimmy Lee (3-8, 4.02 ERA) is over.
July 14 – Canadiens pitching gets bowled over in the ninth inning by the Titans. Not only do the Canadiens blow a 10-6 lead, they allow seven runs total to take a 13-10 defeat.
July 16 – Dallas claims victory in an 11-inning contest with the Scorpions, 7-3, thanks to LF/RF Justin Dally’s (.299, 17 HR, 67 RBI) walkoff grand slam.
July 16 – A shoulder injury sustained in a car accident is likely to put TIJ SP Troy McCaskill (6-8, 4.27 ERA) out of action for the remainder of the season.
July 16 – ATL 1B Mike Rucker (.276, 9 HR, 26 RBI) is dealing with knee tendinitis and could miss up to four weeks.

Complaints and stuff

Jonny Toner had 170 strikeouts at the All Star break, which I have never seen before. Next in line in the CL was SFB Joao Joo with 126. The FL mark was RIC Ian Van Meter’s, with a paltry 135. And yet Jonny will have October off. Forever. As long as he wears the brown hat.

R.J. DeWeese was CL Player of the Week in that rump week after the All Star Game. He batted .538 (7-for-13) with 1 HR and 7 RBI. Two clutch hits is apparently all it takes these days.

Related, this Saturday’s win over the Crusaders put the Coons at a flat +100 run differential. It’s the first time they’ve made it there since 2014.

We signed the catcher, Elias Tovias, for $18k of international pool money, and dropped out of all other races besides that for the slugger Omar Alfaro. The price on him is up to $316k, which leaves us just under the soft cap. How much am I willing to sacrifice for him? Don’t know yet. But he doesn’t cry out to be a blue chip, so I will probably not get us to the higher penalty brackets.

RF Omar Alfaro - $316,000
SS Hector Gaitan - $25,000 - SIGNED
C Elias Tovias - $18,000 - SIGNED
SP Marco Ramirez - $15,600 - SIGNED
CF Guillermo Morales - $9,800 - SIGNED

TOTAL - $384,400 ($68,400 SIGNED)

Tried to get rid of Adam Young over the break. No chance. Absolutely no chance. You can really only get rid of that by waiving it. Yes, neutral gender. Slashing .255/.305/.351 doesn’t make you a man.

But even Tiger Mendoza has shed 60 points of average since arriving here, and that gap is growing fast. He still has a .900 OPS as a Raccoon, but that was with a couple of 3-run homers in his first games. In the last seven games, he’s batted .107/.250/.107 with 4 BB and 3 K, which pretends to mask as bad luck, but the baseball gods and foremost their ugly leader, Igor, can’t fool me no longer! This was all a well set-up plan to make me look like an idiot once more. But not with me, not anymore! I will now board my heavenly rocket to reach their realm and tell Igor what I think of him! (puts on World War I era goggles and takes a seat in an empty cardboard box in the middle of the room that once held bananas from Guatemala) Engines, engage!