[Westheim]

Raccoons (14-17) vs. Stars (14-17) – May 9-11, 2023

The Raccoons had not won a series against the Stars since 2014, and had lost the recent edition of the matchup last year, two games to one. Whether they were going to make a run for it this year was still written in the stars, but at least both teams were crummy in their own ways. Here was where one of the worst offenses in the league (the Raccoons were scoring a raging 3.1 runs per game) would encounter the outright worst pitching, with the Stars conceding 5.8 runs per game. That sounded like a real challenge for Portland! The Coons’ pitching and the Stars’ hitting were rather average ranked against their own leagues.

Projected matchups:
Rico Gutierrez (2-3, 5.73 ERA) vs. Alex Contreras (1-1, 5.40 ERA)
Jesus Chavez (3-2, 3.44 ERA) vs. Mo Robinson (2-2, 5.03 ERA)
Ryan Nielson (1-3, 4.79 ERA) vs. Yoo-chul Kim (1-3, 5.72 ERA)

The Stars’ rotation was entirely right-handed, and we were – obviously – going to dodge their best hurler by ERA, David Saccoccio, who was 3-1 with an ERA at a swift 5.02 …

The Raccoons were starting a string of 16 consecutive games without an off day after getting to skip class on Monday of this week.

Game 1
DAL: CF A. Mata – SS Ferrer – 2B R. Maldonado – RF Dally – C J. Vargas – 1B Godown – 3B Padilla – LF Marable – P Contreras
POR: LF Carmona – 2B Spencer – 1B Walter – 3B Nunley – CF Stevenson – SS Stalker – RF Alfaro – C Tovias – P Gutierrez

The crowd was sparse and soon enough in a mood, with Contreras drilling Cookie HARD with a fastball at the beginning of the bottom of the first inning. At least Contreras would pay for it, with a single by Spencer and Walter’s walk loading the bases. Nunley hit into a double play that allowed Cookie to score from third base, and Spencer came home on Stevenson’s single for an early 2-0 lead for Gutierrez, who looked like he could need the runs. In fact, Justin Dally whacked a leadoff shot in the second inning right away, and Gutierrez continued to be anything but sharp, yet the Stars stranded pairs of runners in the third and fifth innings. Three of those four runners had reached base on walks, but we also should not forget about three strong defensive plays made by Omar Alfaro in rightfield in those first five innings that helped keep the Texans in check. The Coons did precious little after the first-inning, small-scale assault. Cookie hit a leadoff single in the bottom 3rd, but was caught stealing, but the Raccoons would get to the corners in the bottom 5th. Gutierrez actually hit a bloop single to begin the inning, but got forced by Spencer after Cookie fouled out. Walter singled, sending Spencer to third, but Nunley’s fly to deep left was readily caught by Brian Marable.

Gutierrez got yanked in the sixth after 2-out singles by Jose Vargas and Justin Godown. Neither of them had been hit hard, but he was a disaster waiting to happen in a 2-1 game. The Coons went to Vince D, who rung up Carlos Padilla to exit the inning. That was the only out collected by Devereaux, who was hit for by Tony Delgado in the bottom 6th with two outs and Alfaro on second base. He grounded out, but the Coons had already scored a run at that point, Stalker and Alfaro reaching the corners two at-bats earlier, with Zach Graves batting for Tovias and at least cashing one run in with a grounder to the right side. While that little breather run was temporary thanks to Billy Brotman allowing a walk, a single, and finally a sac fly to Alex Mata in the top of the seventh, the Coons loaded the bases with singles by Walter, Nunley, and Stevenson off Arturo Arellano in the bottom 7th. This was with two outs, though, so Tim Stalker had to come through for them. He grounded up the middle, Raul Maldonado intercepted the ball, and then the slightest bobble already cost him the play. Stalker was given a single and an RBI on this play, and then Alfaro hit the ball into the pitcher’s pocket to keep the score at 4-2. Bottom 8th, bases loaded, again. John Waker was pitching for the Stars, and the Raccoons’ still-most-recent top-half-of-first-round draft pick, #9 in 2015. Bullock led off with a pinch-hit single, Delgado singled, and Cookie’s fly to right was dropped by the former Logger Dally. Nobody out this time, and can we PLEASE break out for once? Spencer hit a sac fly, and then Waker walked Walter (say that quick, ten times in a row) to refill the bags for a catastrophically struggling Matt Nunley, who was 5-for-28 at that point. This one was gonna count, though – a first-pitch drive to right, well behind Dally, and off the wall. Two runs scored, Waker left charged with three runs already, and the other two Coons aboard scored on Edwin Covarrubias’ watch. The Stars got a run off Juan Barzaga in the ninth, but nobody really bothered with the extra reliever’s fate at that point. 9-3 Raccoons! Walter 3-3, 2 BB; Nunley 2-5, 2B, 2 RBI; Stevenson 3-5, 2 RBI; Stalker 3-5, 2 RBI; Bullock (PH) 1-1; Surginer 1.2 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 2 K;

The Critters had 17 base hits – except for Nunley’s ball off the wall, singles all.

Also: most runs the Raccoons have scored in a game since their 11-4 Opening Day effort against the Elks.

Game 2
DAL: CF A. Mata – SS Ferrer – 2B R. Maldonado – RF Dally – C J. Vargas – 1B Godown – LF Fox – 3B Padilla – P M. Robinson
POR: LF Carmona – 2B Spencer – 1B Walter – 3B Nunley – CF Stevenson – SS Stalker – C Delgado – RF Mansfield – P Chavez

Again, Portland scored in the first, this time on Stevenson’s 2-out RBI double off Mo Robinson. Spencer scored from second, but Walter was not quick enough to score from first, and was stranded when Stalker grounded out. This May 10 game would also be the date of Devin Mansfield’s first career base hit, a single free of consequences in the bottom of the second inning. He had gone 0-for-7 to start his career. The endlessly irritating Jesus Chavez struck out six as he retired the first eight batters in a row, but then inexplicably walked Mo Robinson and then surrendered three base hits in fast procession; a single by Mata, an RBI double by Manny Ferrer, and then Raul Maldonado’s tie-breaking 2-run single to center. The middle innings proved uneventful (although you could also say dull), at least until the bottom of the sixth. Walter’s leadoff walk brought the tying run to the plate, a rousing occasion this park seldom saw. Walter made it to third base on a hit-and-run in which Nunley singled to right, after which Stevenson grounded back to the mound. Robinson tried to turn two, threw the ball behind Manny Ferrer, and the line kept moving on the error. Walter scored, 3-2, and runners were on second and first for Stalker, who popped out, and that was the best effort any 6-7-8 batter managed. Delgado and Mansfield both struck out. Chavez even hit a leadoff single in the bottom of the seventh inning! He never moved off first base…

After a Stevenson single in the bottom 8th, the Raccoons batted Zach Graves for Tim Stalker in a case of slight desperation. Mo Robinson was still in the game, why not send a left-hander? Lo and behold, Graves creamed an 0-1 pitch and homered to right center, flipping the score! Yet the truly remarkable thing was how Brett Lillis handled the unexpected save opportunity. You could tell he was grumpy to have his late third dinner interrupted, because he came out of the pen still holding on to a chicken drumstick. The first two batters he was up against were left-handers, starting with Justin Godown, who instantly singled and was run for by Oscar Casillas. Zach Fox grounded out, after which Lillis walked Carlos Padilla in errant fashion. Brian Marable batted for the long-lived Robinson with the tying run at second, and the go-ahead run at first base. He would hit a go-ahead sac fly, which is an odd thing to do with the go-ahead run on first base. How was that ****ing possible!? Turns out, whenever Tony Delgado gave a sign to Lillis, the pitcher was focused on nibbling on the drumstick – he was a gourmet by most Raccoons’ standards; no swallowing the thing whole! However, those two were never on the same page. The runners advanced on a passed ball, then a wild pitch, and then Graves was too deep in rightfield on Marable’s fly to have a shot at Padilla. It was an amazing performance by this third-rate rural theater ensemble of a ballclub!

There was a bottom of the ninth, and it started with Omar Alfaro batting for Lillis, and drawing a 4-pitch walk off Quinn MacCarthy, last year’s Coons southpaw. Cookie singled to right, narrowly getting the ball past Maldonado, so the winning run was on. Jarod Spencer grounded out, advancing the runners, a wild pitch to Walter tied the game, and Walter was then put on intentionally in hope for a double play from Nunley, who drew the Stars a nose and popped out instead… There was still one out left to waste, but Josh Stevenson saved everybody’s sanity with a single up the middle – Cookie scored, and it was a walkoff! 6-5 Critters. Carmona 2-5; Stevenson 3-5, 2B, 3 RBI; Graves (PH) 1-1, HR, 2 RBI; Chavez 7.1 IP, 5 H, 3 R, 3 ER, 2 BB, 8 K and 1-2;

If not for Lillis’ blown save, Omar Alfaro would have missed a game entirely for the first time this year. The Coons still have four players who appeared in every game; besides Alfaro those are Spencer, Walter, and Nunley.

Game 3
DAL: CF A. Mata – SS Ferrer – 2B R. Maldonado – RF Dally – C J. Vargas – 1B Godown – 3B Padilla – LF Marable – P Y.C. Kim
POR: LF Carmona – 2B Spencer – 1B Walter – 3B Nunley – CF Stevenson – SS Stalker – RF Alfaro – C Tovias – P Nielson

Both teams had a player single and steal second base in the first inning, and both were left on third base without scoring. That was Spencer (who took his ninth bag) for the Coons, and Mata for the Stars. Mata would come up with the bases loaded in the top 2nd, following singles by Justin Godown and Yoo-chul Kim (…) around a Carlos Padilla walk. Mata struck out to end the inning. Stevenson would get to third base in the bottom 2nd. He reached on Manny Ferrer’s 2-base throwing error to begin the inning, with Stalker and Alfaro haplessly grounding out afterwards. The status Elias Tovias had in the league was clearly visible here; he batted .184 with no homers, and the Stars were not going to give him first base for free, even with two outs. So he snapped a single to left, plating Stevenson with the first tally in the game. Two innings later, the Coons would score the second run of the game, again unearned. Stevenson singled, and made it to third base on a stolen base attempt on which Vargas threw wildly to centerfield. Stalker also walked after that, but Alfaro hit into a double play to score Stevenson. Hey, at least he tried …!(?)

The Stars, who had collected four hits, but nothing of substance in the first four innings, would break out in the fifth, started by another Kim single, this one coming leading off the inning and with nobody out. Nielson issued a walk, allowed a 2-run double to Dally to tie, then issued another walk, and gave up another double to fall out of the tie to Justin Godown, who’s run-scoring two-baser but the Stars ahead, 3-2. Nielson was not seen again after the inning, and remained on the hook in the sixth, in which Shane Walter landed his 10th double of the season while leading off that inning, and yet nobody could be bothered to plate the ****er.

Talking about ****ers… the top 8th saw Kevin Surginer retire two before he allowed a single to Mata, drilled Ferrer, and walked Maldonado. Oh well, maybe bring another pitcher? Bocanegra was it, and the ****er allowed a wild pitch and two walks to run up the score, 5-2. Spencer 2-3;

Raccoons (16-18) vs. Crusaders (16-18) – May 12-14, 2023

The Crusaders had won three in a row, while the Coons had just ended a 3-game winning streak on Thursday, and would probably lose another dozen now. These were the two worst offensive teams in the Continental League, so we’d probably have a strong of swift 2-1 games. New York was outscoring Portland by two, so we were now the worst offensive team outright… The Crusaders also held a 2-1 lead in the season series, and had the second-best pitching corps.

Projected matchups:
Matt Huf (0-4, 5.29 ERA) vs. Alejandro Mendez (4-3, 2.82 ERA)
Jonathan Toner (3-2, 2.42 ERA) vs. Mike Rutkowski (3-3, 4.00 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (3-3, 5.12 ERA) vs. Jeremy Waite (3-1, 4.28 ERA)

Another three right-handers, but not because the Crusaders didn’t have anything else. We would barely miss their pair of southpaws, Tim Dunn (2-3, 3.23 ERA) and Joe Jones (2-2, 5.30 ERA).

The Crusaders had one of their cornerstones of the last few years on the disabled list, with .266 batter INF Sergio Valdez nursing a hamstring injury.

Game 1
NYC: 2B R. Soto – 3B Schmit – RF Fullerton – LF J. Williams – C Asay – 1B I. Flores – CF Douglas – SS Hebberd – P A. Mendez
POR: LF Carmona – 2B Spencer – 1B Walter – 3B Nunley – CF Stevenson – SS Stalker – RF Graves – C Tovias – P Huf

The Critters had three singles in the first, all with two outs, all for nothing. Tim Stalker grounded to third base, Andy Schmit made the play with no problems, and nobody scored. 2-out trouble would also arise half an inning later for Matt Huf, who walked Lance Douglas before Bill Hebberd singled up the middle. That brought up “Ant” Mendez. Ah, **** it, just retire the pitcher. The ****ing pitcher singled up the middle, Douglas scored the first run of the game, and the Raccoons would never win a game again…!

The Raccoons would again put three on in the bottom 2nd, but after Zach Graves’ leadoff single he was found off the bag when Tovias lined out to Ivan Flores, who tagged the returning runner for a double play. Huf walked (…!), and Cookie singled up the middle, but Spencer popped out to shallow right and D.J. Fullerton. Walks were Huf’s thing in general; he issued five of the little buggers in the first four innings, and also struck out five. Jake Williams drew a sixth walk in the top of the fifth, but that came with two outs and didn’t lead to any nightmare, for once. The Raccoons couldn’t get a paw on the ground with the offense. Bullock batted for Huf to begin the bottom 5th, got nicked, but was then ignored by the top of the order. Stalker got on base in the bottom 6th, stole a base, and then was ignored. The Crusaders added a run on Billy Brotman, who issued a leadoff walk to Schmit in the seventh. Bottom 8th, Spencer hit a leadoff single off the “Ant”, only for Shane Walter to knock one right into a two-for-one. Hebberd’s error put Stevenson on base leading off the ninth. Mendez would now face the tying run… however impressive that was against Stalker, Graves, and Tovias, or whatever we could pry from the bench. Stalker grounded to Robby Soto, but the Crusaders were too slow for the double play, getting just Stevenson at second base. The missed double play opportunity wouldn’t hurt the Crusaders… Zach Graves was on his post and hit into a 1-6-3 … 2-0 Crusaders. Barzaga 2.0 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

Game 2
NYC: 2B R. Soto – 3B Schmit – RF Fullerton – LF J. Williams – C Asay – 1B I. Flores – CF Douglas – SS Hebberd – P Rutkowski
POR: LF Carmona – 2B Spencer – 1B Walter – CF Stevenson – SS Stalker – RF Alfaro – 3B Bullock – C Tovias – P Toner

For the third time this week, the Critters scored in the first inning, thanks to singles by Cookie, who moved up on a groundout, and Stevenson, on which Cookie scored from second base. As usual, it was all for nought, because Toner continued to be awful. Robby Soto walked with one out in the third, and the Crusaders would rip Toner apart for four hits and as many runs in the inning. Schmit singled, as did Fullerton, plating the tying run. Jake Williams doubled in the go-ahead run, Jason Asay hit a sac fly, and Ivan Flores hit an RBI single, and just like that it was 4-1 New York. The low point was not actually reached until the next inning, issuing a leadoff walk to Rutkowski. A career in ruins, befitting of the team Toner was on. He walked the bases full – and then was yanked. Brotman replaced him, allowed a run on a sac fly, 5-1, but at least go the Critters out of the inning. Another run fell out of Brotman the following inning, and the game dulled down considerably with the Coons down by five and not going anywhere. Adam Cowen pitched long relief, and hit a 2-out single in the bottom 7th that loaded the bases with Stalker and Alfaro already on. Cookie popped out to strand all three of them. Walter and Stevenson singled in the bottom 8th. Eager for any kind of movement at all, the Coons sent Nunley to bat for Stalker, netting them a fly out to centerfield, and then Alfaro flew out to Craig Abraham in deep right. Nobody scored, ever. 6-1 Crusaders. Stevenson 2-4, RBI; Alfaro 2-4; Cowen 4.1 IP, 4 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 1 K and 1-2;

Not enough that we can’t get anybody to hit at all – we already have an extra man in the bullpen, and we still struggle to distribute all the innings the pen has to pitch to the relievers…

Before the Sunday game, the Crusaders traded SP Joe Jones (2-2, 5.30 ERA) to the Miners for two prospects.

Game 3
NYC: 2B R. Soto – 3B Schmit – RF Fullerton – LF J. Williams – C Asay – 1B I. Flores – CF Abraham – SS Hebberd – P Waite
POR: LF Carmona – 2B Spencer – 1B Walter – 3B Nunley – C Delgado – RF Graves – SS Stalker – CF Mansfield – P Gutierrez

Rico Gutierrez allowed no base runners the first time through, which made for as many outs as Toner had gotten in the previous game with five runs conceded. The Raccoons scattered a few early hits, but usually found a way to hit into a double play, like Walter in the first inning, or suck in various other ways. Rico retired the first 14 batters overall until he walked Ivan Flores. The no-hitter went out of the way, too, in a real hurry, with Craig Abraham lining a ball up the rightfield line for a double, with Flores racing around the bases to score, too. Andy Schmit doubled in the sixth, and moved to third base on a wild pitch. Fullerton worked a 2-out walk, but somehow Mansfield got paws on Jake Williams’ howling drive to center to end the inning. In another splendid performance, no Raccoon reached base in the middle innings at all, and no Raccoon was particularly close to doing so. Waite didn’t put another Critter aboard until a 2-out single by Graves in the bottom 7th, and then Tim Stalker grounded out to short pathetically.

Gutierrez lasted seven innings on 110 pitches and remained on a 1-0 hook during his time. Joe Moore replaced him for the eighth and right away allowed a single up the middle to the leadoff batter … which happened to be Waite. Oh for crying out loud …! Moore walked Schmit, got beaten off the mound and replaced with Bocanegra, who got Fullerton on a pop, then indiscriminately walked Williams to load the ****ing bases. Vince D came on again in a highly dramatic spot and struck out Jason Asay to end the inning, so it was STILL a 1-0 game, and the Raccoons were STILL playing like they had been born as deep sea fish and struggled to do even the most basic things on land, like ****ing breathing. Oh – wait! There’s movement! After Mansfield popped out and Alfaro flew out to shallow right, Cookie rolled a ball up the middle that made it through and lived to grow up a single. That was the tying run with two outs and on first base, a long shot for most teams in many situations, still like the ****ing lottery for the ****ing Coons. When Spencer walked (and who was hoping for a homer here? – get a grip!), the chance became real, since Shane Walter in a previous life had been a real batter and technically still nursed a dying .800 OPS. Grounding out to Robby Soto didn’t help anybody’s case, except maybe Waite’s, who was STILL in the game.

Top 9th, Devereaux still in the game. Ivan Flores drew a leadoff walk. Oh well, how bad could it get? Pretty bad. A passed ball advanced the runner before Lance Douglas singled to left, scoring Flores, 2-0. Kyle Mims grounded into a force, two outs. Soto singled to left, with Cookie trying to get Flores at third base, which didn’t work; instead Soto moved up to second. None of this mattered, because Schmit’s 2-out triple was always going to score both of them. Brett Lillis came into the 4-0 game to retire Fullerton, which was a pretty sad sight to begin with, but the bottom 9th was also plenty sad. Steve Casey struck out Nunley and Delgado, then left with an injury. Jon Ozier allowed a pinch-hit single to Stevenson, before Bullock grounded to short. Soto dangled the ball, and the Coons had two on. Oh well, another five errors for a comeback! Mansfield was at the plate, the Critters were out of bench, but luckily nothing mattered in the grand scheme of things, as the Crusaders were on their third pitcher in three batters. Frank Yeager harvested a grounder from Mansfield to second base, and himself a save. 4-0 Crusaders. Graves 2-3, 2B; Stevenson (PH) 1-1; Gutierrez 7.0 IP, 2 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 3 BB, 5 K, L (3-4);

In other news

May 14 – The Thunder deal CL Ryan Corkum (1-1, 2.08 ERA, 15 SV) to the Falcons for two prospects.
May 14 – SAL C/1B Barry McCosh (.214, 1 HR, 1 RBI) hits his first career home run for the only score in the Wolves’ 1-0 win over the Stars.

Complaints and stuff

(the ballpark after dark; four straight losses; silence; your resident GM lies on the brown couch with a wet, cold washcloth over his eyes, while Chad is practicing new dance moves in the full mascot costume near the window front that faces the interior ballpark)

This is a dead team, with no future whatsoever; indeed, one could say that they do not even have a present. You found the 2003 Coons glum? Well, these ’23 Coons might be well worse.

With the team scoring less than 3.1 runs per game by Sunday night, the Raccoons canned their hitting coach Billy Tarras, who had done the job for the last six years, with mostly decent results in the first five of them, but that was definitely over.

I don’t even know what to say. We have the fifth-highest batting average, but we are last in on-base percentage and slugging percentage. The entire team bats like Jarod Spencer – except worse. Of all the players I intended to build a new contender around (Alfaro, Stalker, Spencer, Tovias, Bullock), Spencer and his cucked up line of .317/.338/.373 is still the best … and he’s still of no use to man nor beast, dead or alive.

The best thing is … we have the worst farm, and there is no way to rebuild with a single draft. You need many drafts and many good picks that actually turn into something other than more horse ****. Last time I checked, the draft was but once a year.

Fun Fact: There’s going to be another 127 games of this miserable spectacle this season! By the way, Bill Conway started exactly 127 games for the Raccoons between 2011 and 2015, and somehow he’d fit right into the mix here.

No, thanks, Maud, I am - … I don’t need anything. (lies down again with the wet, cold washcloth over his eyes and keeps babbling)

Conway, who went 54-68 with a 4.18 ERA in his career that ended in ’16 at age 30 because of sucking too hard, was a member of the post-2010 Raccoons a.k.a. the last Critters team that made the World Series. Probably the last Raccoons team to ever make the World Series.

Nick Brown won two games in a 6-game defeat to the Cyclones in that World Series. At least he will have been the last Raccoon to ever win a World Series game.

(even Chad is annoyed by the negativity by now and dances out of the room, killing the light on his way out)

(the office lies in complete darkness now as well)

(some silent moans can still be heard)