[Westheim]

Raccoons (80-58) @ Canadiens (78-58) – September 6-8, 2027

In the grander scheme of things, this series did not matter; both teams were roughly ten games behind the Titans, and it was all but over. On the other hand, this was for second-place honors and bitter hate was involved with these two teams, and goddamnit, Chad, if you don't stop wiggling the antlers of that plush Elk, I will ****ing defenestrate the both of you!! Vancouver led the CL in runs scored with a mighty 672 (the Coons' total shall be consigned to classified status at this point), but they were also giving up quite a bunch with only the sixth-best pitching in the league. And they were up in the season series, and not by little; they had so far won eight of a dozen games from the hapless Critters.

Projected matchups:
George James (4-2, 2.70 ERA) vs. Rodolfo Cervantes (9-6, 3.64 ERA)
Juan Barzaga (1-1, 6.46 ERA) vs. Ernesto Lozano (7-10, 4.35 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (10-11, 3.90 ERA) vs. Joe Martin (3-0, 2.27 ERA)

Three right-handers to see here; what we would not see at least to begin the series was offensive nightmare and proficient coonskinner Tony Coca, who was still on the DL, but could potentially get his .315 average and 21 homers involved any day now.

Game 1
POR: SS Stalker – 2B Hereford – RF Gomez – 1B Harenberg – CF Mora – LF Carmona – C Tovias – 3B Nunley – P James
VAN: RF Day – SS Crosby – LF A. Torres – CF Wojnarowski – 3B Anton – 1B Myles – C M. Sanchez – 2B Gura – P Cervantes

Coca was out of the lineup, but Alex Torres wasn't, and he hit his 25th dinger of the year right in the first inning, a 2-shot collecting Norman Day and his leadoff walk to erase and subdue the run the Coons had scored in the top of the first on a Hereford single, wild pitch, and Gomez RBI single. While Portland position players amounted to zero additional hits – if you discounted Kevin Harenberg getting hit in the bum in the fourth inning – and only had a fifth-inning single off George James' bat to rave about, the Elks added to their lead with a solo shot by Adan Myles in the bottom 4th, then three base hits including a 2-out RBI single by Brian Wojnarowski in the bottom 5th to extend their lead to 4-1. With Harenberg on board in the sixth, Abel Mora's 2-run shot to deep right came certainly unexpected, but then still trailed by a run. Cookie Carmona singled up the middle, but was stranded when Elias Tovias rolled over to Ted Gura for the third out. None of it helped James, who surrendered another run on extra base hits conceded to Myles and Gura in the bottom 6th before being yanked for Kearney, who had Gura steal third base largely unmolested before Curtis Hargraves plated him with a pinch-hit sac fly to restore the damn Elks' 3-run edge. A Nunley single leading off the seventh got the Coons nowhere, but Nunley came back to bat in the eighth, then with the tying runs on and two outs, facing right-hander Joey Hopkins, who had just walked Tovias to fill them up after a pair of 2-out pinch-hit singles by Jarod Spencer and Steve Hollingsworth off different relievers. Nunley grounded out, pathetically as well, and the Coons were surely sunk and stunk once more. Not quite yet. Adam St. Germaine drew a pinch-walk to begin the ninth, although Stalker then forced him out. However, Rich Hereford singled off Sean Carlsen to put them on the corners and bring up Rafael Gomez as the tying run, but Gomez grounded to short for a run-scoring fielder's choice. Harenberg dropped a 2-out single into left, and that brought up the go-ahead run in… Spencer. He ripped Carlsen's first pitch … right at Gura, and the game ended right there. 6-4 Canadiens. Hereford 2-5; Harenberg 2-4; Spencer (PH) 1-2; Carmona 1-2, BB; Hollingsworth (PH) 1-1;

By Tuesday, the Coons made another roster move, sending Hector Morales to the DL with bone chips in his elbow that the Druid would pray out of there over the offseason. At this point we brought up 24-year-old Jeremy Moesker, a Dutch Antillean lefty that had been a scouting discovery seven years back. He had been demoted from St. Pete to Ham Lake a while ago, but was now putting up nice numbers there. His main boon was that he was on the 40-man already, and we were sort of jammed in that regard.

Game 2
POR: SS Stalker – 2B Spencer – RF Gomez – 1B Harenberg – CF Mora – LF St. Germaine – C Tovias – 3B Nunley – P Barzaga
VAN: RF Day – SS Crosby – LF A. Torres – CF Wojnarowski – 3B Anton – 1B Myles – C M. Sanchez – 2B Gura – P Lozano

Barzaga's last start had been a straight riot, but this time he held up at least for a few innings, even though he also forced out Nunley at second base with a bad bunt in the third inning. Nevertheless, with one out in the inning the Raccoons went on to fill the bases on a Tim Stalker single, then a Manny Sanchez error, fumbling Spencer's grounder. Gomez, the Coons' RBI king, came up with the bags stacked, popped out on a hefty rip, yet after that Harenberg chipped the ****tiest blooper into shallow left for a 2-run single. Whatever works…! Mora struck out to end the inning. His next time up in the fifth, Harenberg found Stalker (HBP) and Gomez (walk) on base, then crashed the ball into a 4-6-3 double play. Volatile Barzaga maintained a 2-hit shutout through five, so it was all dandy at that point, at least until Adrian Crosby's solo shot in the bottom 6th got the Elks on the board.

At this point, neither team had even four base hits assembled. Matt Nunley changed that with another leadoff single in the seventh, and this time got bunted to second successfully, which was not much of a gain once Tim Stalker was walked intentionally. Spencer hit into a force at second base, but Rafael Gomez lined over Crosby and into the gap. This one was exciting! Wojnarowski failed to cut the ball off, and it almost made it all the way to the fence, allowing Rafael Gomez to reached third base with a 2-out, 2-run triple! Matt Anton then retired Harenberg and his line drive on a sprawling catch to end the inning, and the Coons instantly banished Barzaga after a leadoff walk to Anton in the bottom 7th. Kevin Surginer replaced him, struck out Myles, Anton was caught stealing, and Manny Sanchez flew out to Mora to end the inning. He did allow a single to Gura though, leading off the eighth, which got Kearney involved against Rich Walsh, who had entered the game earlier in a double switch, was playing first base, and batting left-handed with a .212 clip. He spanked a bouncer to Spencer for an easy double play, Norman Day singled, but Crosby grounded out to end that inning, and Josh Boles retired the Elks in order in the ninth to level the series. 4-1 Coons. Spencer 2-5, 2 2B; Barzaga 6.0 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 3 K, W (2-1);

Tony Coca would not come back for the rubber game; the Elks were tight-lipped about the reasons after initially saying he'd be in the lineup on Wednesday. Apparently he fell over his dog while rough-housing with the pet, said to be a 175-pound Saint Bernard. Or the dog fell on him – the details were murky. In any way, Coca was now ruled out for the entire week.

Game 3
POR: SS Stalker – 2B Spencer – RF Hereford – 1B Harenberg – CF Mora – LF Carmona – C Tovias – 3B Nunley – P Gutierrez
VAN: SS Byrd – 3B Anton – LF A. Torres – CF Wojnarowski – C R. Ortíz – 1B Myles – RF Al. Medina – 2B Gura – P J. Martin

Joe Martin had won his first major league game against the Critters back in July, had since been back to AAA and was now in the majors again and so far had put up some neat stats, but took a few knocks right in the opening inning. Stalker singled, John Byrd threw away a grounder by Spencer, and after Rich Hereford struck out, Harenberg tripled in the runners before Martin balked him across, too, putting the Elks in a 3-0 hole right away. Soon enough, the Raccoons made their fans gnash their teeth again, though; Tim Stalker hit a leadoff triple in the third, then was stranded there. Spencer grounded out to third base to keep him pinned, Hereford struck out, and Harenberg flew out easily to right. Oh well, at least Rico held the Elks short; a Gura single in the third, a Myles single in the fifth – that was all they had through qualifying distance.

Then came the sixth, a 1-out single by John Byrd, a grounder to Anton that advanced the runner, and then Alex Torres with a mighty drive to left. Fun fact here, Torres and Rafael Gomez were tied for the CL RBI lead with 89 at this point, so this one better not be long while Rafael Gomez got the day off after being sore, even with an off day coming right up. Cookie hustled back to the fence, leapt, and grabbed the ball before it could bang off the wall for a run-scoring base hit. Instead, the inning was over. Before we could feel too good about ourselves, however, Wojnarowski hit a leadoff jack in the bottom 7th, cutting the lead the Coons held to 3-1, and nope, of course they hadn't done anything since the early innings. Nothing good happened to Raccoons hitters in the eighth either, in which Juan Magallanes pinch-hit for Rico Gutierrez. Bottom 8th, Dan McLin got around a Byrd single to keep the Elks in check, and the ninth was Boles' again. Wojnarowski started off with a bloop single to left, bringing up the tying run right away. Then, Boles ran full counts against Ricky Ortíz and Adan Myles… and lost both of them to walks. Three on, no outs, and why, oh why? Manny Sanchez pinch-hit for Alarico Medina, Boles could not afford any more walks and came over the plate, and Sanchez sure didn't miss it. A 370-foot walkoff slam ended the series. 5-3 Canadiens. Stalker 2-3, 3B; Harenberg 2-4, 3B, 2 RBI; Gutierrez 7.0 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 3 K;

Prior to this disaster, Josh Boles had allowed four earned runs ALL YEAR LONG.

Why does this litter suck so ****ing hard?

Raccoons (81-60) vs. Crusaders (71-67) – September 10-12, 2027

As before, nothing mattered anymore in this series, and maybe it was good that nothing mattered anymore, because the Raccoons were just … ah… (waves with his arms) … The Crusaders ranked fourth in runs scored, seventh in runs allowed, and the Raccoons had already locked up the season series. This was the last meeting between the two teams in '27, and the Raccoons were ahead 10-5. It has been a decade since they won *more* than 11 games from the Crusaders.

Projected matchups:
Dan Delgadillo (8-9, 3.40 ERA) vs. Eddie Cannon (8-11, 4.36 ERA)
Rin Nomura (16-6, 2.67 ERA) vs. Jesse Wright (3-0, 2.45 ERA)
George James (4-3, 3.20 ERA) vs. Chris Klein (16-9, 3.69 ERA)

Three more right-handers on offer here, and they had more (Rutkowski, Marron) on the DL as well as in their rotation (Lowrey, Moffatt).

Game 1
NYC: 1B Elder – LF Richardson – RF Ellis – CF Hatley – 3B Schmit – C Asay – SS Laughery – 2B M. Fletcher – P E. Cannon
POR: SS Stalker – 2B Hereford – RF Gomez – 1B Harenberg – CF Mora – C Tovias – LF Magallanes – 3B Nunley – P Delgadillo

From the start, Yusneldan got whacked around; Jay Elder opened with a sharp single to center, and before long Nick Hatley cracked a 2-piece to right. Andy Schmit singled in the same inning before Jason Asay struck out. The Crusaders loaded the bases (although Delgadillo helped them out with nicking Elder) in the top of the second, but Nate Ellis hacked himself out to end that inning. They added a run in the third, which Hatley and Schmit opened with singles. The former scored on a grounder and J.D. Laughery's sac fly, 3-0, before Rafael Gomez sold out on Mike Fletcher's fly in the gap to maintain the most remote chance for Portland. Bottom 3rd, Delgadillo hit a single up the middle to begin the frame before Cannon nicked Tim Stalker to bring up the tying run. And what did the meaty part of the lineup do? Sucking they did. Hereford flew out to left. Gomez grounded out, as did Harenberg. The runners were stranded in scoring position, which was not something the Crusaders did in the fourth. They skinned Delgadillo right down to the bones. After Cannon opened the frame by grounding out, Delgadillo stunk up the joint by walking both Elder and Jamie Richardson, then loaded them up with Nate Ellis' single. Hatley hit a sac fly to right, Elder went for home, and Gomez' terrible throw got him an error. One run scored there, two more scored on Andy Schmit's double into the gap in right-center, and with that, Delgadillo was yanked after 3.2 innings and six runs. Steve Costilow got a grounder from Asay to end the inning, while Abel Mora hit an absolutely meaningless leadoff homer in the bottom 4th. You could have kept that one to yourself now, too!

The game was in the bin already, and the Coons would manage to suck their way into a real creaming. Nick Derks allowed a run in the fifth, then put two runners on base in the seventh. Jeremy Moesker made his major league debut with two on and one out, struck out Jamie Richardson, then yielded three straight RBI singles against Ellis, Hatley, and Schmit, then a 3-run homer mashed by Asay. The Raccoons didn't get a base hit in the final four innings at all… 13-1 Crusaders.

Our run differential is diminishing at this point…

Game 2
NYC: 2B J. Gutierrez – 1B Elder – 3B Schmit – C F. Delgado – RF Ellis – SS Ts'ai – CF Hatley – LF Espinosa – P Wright
POR: SS Stalker – 2B Hereford – RF Gomez – 1B Harenberg – CF Mora – LF Spencer – C Rocha – 3B Bullock – P Nomura

14 pitches in, Nomura had retired nobody, and the Crusaders had two walks and an infield single and were ready to score with Felipe Delgado at the plate. Scoring they did on a double play grounder, and that was their only run in the inning before Nate Ellis popped out, but how were the damn Coons supposed to make up a 1-0 deficit? And that didn't mean that the Crusaders couldn't make their score blossom, either. The second inning began with Zheng-ze Ts'ai singling in a full count, after which Hatley spanked into a double play. Juan Espinosa homered, Jesse Wright double, ancient Jose Gutierrez – who had started his career with the Mitanni before having been traded to Babylon in 960 BC – singled, and then Nomura brought in the Crusaders' third run with a wild pitch before Elder fanned by accident. That was a 3-0 score in the second inning, and probably the ballgame… By the way, hey – attendant! What is this drink supposed to be!? – Who asked for mango and grapefruit!? DOES MANGO ERASE BAD MEMORIES??

Daniel Bullock hit an RBI single in the bottom 2nd, which would at least make one member of the front office excited, and Rich Hereford launched a solo homer to left-center in the third, so maybe the Coons were not quite as dead on arrival as previously thought. But even down only 3-2 now, Nomura still blew out of his ears. The fourth was palatable, the fifth was a walk to Elder, a Delgado single, and then Harenberg somehow getting in the way of a spiked 2-out bouncer by Ellis to end the inning. The Coons' middle innings were pathetic, as in … no base hits whatsoever. Nomura jammed for good in the seventh, issuing a leadoff single to Gutierrez, who had witnessed the collapse of the walls of Jericho, and then walked Schmit with one out. Surginer came in as replacement, ran a full count against Delgado, who shot a bouncer at Tim Stalker just not lethal enough to break up a double play by sheer force. Tim turned the 6-4-3, and the Coons maintained a hypothetical chance.

That was the only batter that Surginer faced in the game; his spot in the lineup came up in the bottom 7th when the runts of the litter, Daniels Rocha and Bullock, went to the corners with a pair of 2-out hits off Jesse Wright. The Coons sent Elias Tovias to pinch-hit, and he grounded out to Elder on the first pitch. In the eighth, Gomez (double) and Harenberg (walk) knocked out Wright with two outs, but Steve Casey then struck out Mora. That was the last chance they squandered – Travis Giordano retired them 1-2-3 in the ninth. 3-2 Crusaders. Bullock 2-3, RBI;

When Daniel Bullock is your best guy, you don't have to wonder why you are freefalling in the standings.

Game 3
NYC: 1B Elder – LF Richardson – RF Ellis – CF Hatley – 3B Schmit – C Asay – SS Laughery – 2B Ts'ai – P Klein
POR: SS Stalker – 2B Hereford – RF Gomez – 1B Harenberg – CF Mora – 3B Nunley – C Tovias – LF St. Germaine – P James

George James seamlessly got in line with the rest of the sucker parade, allowing five straight base hits to begin the Sunday game. Jay Elder singled, Jamie Richardson singled, Nate Ellis singled, Nick Hatley doubled, and Andy Schmit finally singled. Jason Asay's sac fly brought in the fourth and final run of the inning before J.D. Laughery struck out and Zheng-ze Ts'ai flew out to shallow left. In other words – ballgame. AGAIN. James didn't last even two innings, walking a pair in the second before surrendering RBI singles to Hatley and Asay. The latter was ENOUGH. Jeff Kearney got out of the inning with two men stranded, but what did it even matter? The Coons were down 6-0 and were never going to make it up. Even when Jing-quo Liu and Tim Stalker opened the bottom 3rd with singles, and Hereford got a double past Elder for the Coons' first RBI, they were still down by a handful. Rafael Gomez' RBI single made it 6-2, and Harenberg's sac fly 6-3. Mora flew out before Nunley hit a single to left, bringing up Tovias as the tying run with two down. He flew out to center.

Tovias would be the tying run with two outs again in the bottom 5th, then striking out. In the meantime, St. Germaine had doubled to lead off the bottom 4th and had scored eventually on a sac fly by Tim Stalker. This moved the score to 6-4, which almost sounded like a legit ballgame. The Coons were cycling through all their horrible relievers and also a few decent ones in rapid succession while getting no closer though until the seventh inning, where Rich Hereford reached on a Sergio Valdez throwing error to lead off the inning. Gomez grounded out to short, keeping the runner pinned, and Hereford only reached third base on Harenberg's single to right-center. A walk to Mora issued by Jared Stone loaded the bases for Nunley, the franchise king of double plays. He struck out, which was obviously so much better. Cookie batted for McLin in the #7 hole then and flew out to left, stranding a full set. In turn, Nate Ellis extended the Crusaders' lead to 7-4 with a homer off Billy Brotman in the eighth.

Bottom 8th, more false hope. St. Germaine hit a leadoff single to left, and after Rocha flew out, Stalker also hit a single to left. The Crusaders sent lefty Bryce Neal to face Hereford, who flew out to right, then brought righty Sean Byrd to face Rafael Gomez, who chucked an RBI single up the middle – and now Harenberg came up with the tying runs on, two down, and the Crusaders didn't have another left-handed pitcher. And Harenberg? Flew out to right, pathetically. Jason Butler somehow survived the ninth for Portland, who then faced Travis Giordano again in the bottom of the inning. A leadoff walk to Mora brought up the tying run again with nobody out. Nunley grounded into a fielder's choice, Spencer grounded out to move Nunley to second, and a passed ball moved him to third even. He scored on St. Germaine's single to center, but only now was the tying run on base, there were two outs, and Daniel Rocha could not be pinch-hit for and HAD to bat because the Coons had already spent all their catchers. He struck out. 7-6 Crusaders. Stalker 3-4, 2B, RBI; Hereford 2-5, 2B, RBI; Gomez 2-5, 2 RBI; Nunley 2-5; St. Germaine 3-5, 2B, RBI; Liu (PH) 1-1;

In other news

September 6 – SFW MR J.D. Ryerson (0-1, 5.40 ERA) ends the Warriors' 14-inning slog with the Wolves by plating Salem's 3B Milt Lewis (.364, 1 HR, 5 RBI) with a wild pitch, giving the Wolves a 5-4 walkoff win.
September 8 – CHA LF/RF Barend Kok (.277, 12 HR, 50 RBI) might be out for the season after suffering a concussion.
September 12 – The Condors lose 3B/SS Shane Sanks (.296, 23 HR, 73 RBI) for the season with a torn triceps.

Complaints and stuff

Collapse.

Manny Sanchez' walkoff slam on Wednesday secured us back-to-back losing seasons against the goddamn ****ing **** Elks for the first time since going 20-34 against them between 2015 and 2017.

That was also the 4,000th regular season loss for the Coons. How could it not be? How could it not come against the ****ing **** Elks? Thanks, Josh Boles. Thanks a bunch!

One third of an inning, four earned runs – this stellar outing on Friday made Jeremy Moesker the worst Coons pitcher ever by ERA at this point, beating out Mauro Castro's 54.00 ERA from 2013 by … well, another 54 runs. For Castro, that was his only start for the Raccoons, abbreviated after one third of an inning due to injury. The next two worst pitchers by ERA are actually position players; Mark Thomas (36.00 ERA) and Bobby Quinn (27.00 ERA) were pressed into service decades ago and didn't fare well. Jaime Feliz, who allowed six runs in two innings for a 27.00 ERA in 1995 is actually the next-worst reliever to Moesker.

But hey, Moesker allowed two walks, a hit, yet no runs in an inning on Sunday, meaning his ERA is also already down to 27.00! What a talent!

Rafael Gomez, who was level with Alex Torres for the RBI lead in the CL and within sneezing distance of the home run lead, had all of it taken away over the weekend. Torres went ballistic against Boston with six hits, a homer, and 8 RBI to solidify his case for those two CL titles. He has no chance for a triple crown, though, batting only .280.

Fun Fact: In 1993, the Wolves finished last in the FL West, while at the same time missing the playoffs by only six games.

The 77-85 Wolves came in six behind the 83-79 Stars, the second-worst ABL team ever to make the playoffs. Sacramento and Denver both came up one game short, Sioux Falls missed by two, and L.A. by four. Now, that division was not abysmal in itself – all teams combined were only four games under .500 – but it was just all one puddle of mediocrity.

The '21 Blue Sox also won the FL East with an 83-79 total, with four teams bunched up within four games of them, and only the Buffaloes junked at 62-100.

The worst playoffs team in ABL history were the 82-80 Knights in 2009, who couldn't quite upset the Crusaders on their way to a three-peat. The CL South that year ended up a combined 76 games under .500. And now look at the CL South this year. There is still a chance that the ABL will see its first playoff team with a losing record! Look at the Falcons. They are 65-77 and still have plausible playoff chances …!

And the Coons? The Coons were defeated at the start of September when they were 25 games over .500. Life ain't fair. And since Baseball is Life, Baseball ain't fair either.