[Westheim]

You know the feeling when you are so stark raving mad that you can’t even get the words and letters out in order? That was me for an hour after I finished watching Wednesday's royal miscarriage of a game from the archives. I was so kind and compiled my list of scapegoats – you always need scapegoats, otherwise it’s your fault for following such a wonderously inept franchise that in terms of professionalism, knowledge and sheer cunning couldn’t hold a candle to a medium-sized basket full of newborn kittens. Scapegoats keep you sane. Maybe.

Shoutout to Familia, who was finally gone, doing his melting down for somebody else, and is on such a great track to the Meltdown Hall of Fame that the Mets weren’t gonna miss out on that future HoF’er and just had to bring him back for more epic meltdowns.

Shoutout to Brodie Van Waffletown for that ingenious trade with Seattle. Without a doubt Jarred Kelenic will win 11 MVPs as a Mariner, while the Mets are stuck with their next flash-in-the-pan closer and another $79m to pay Cano for being a lazy bum that can’t hit, can’t field, won’t run, and is currently parked on the DL where he can at least only do minimal damage to his own team. Just keep him on there. At least he’s not costing MY money while he’s on the DL.

Shoutout to Captain Mickey, whose dumb expression drives me up the wall, and whose stupid decisions keep unravelling a borderline wild card team. Maybe Diaz would have stunk just a little less if he hadn’t pitched in last night’s non-save situation? Who knows! Captain Mickey surely doesn’t know. Captain Mickey knows NOTHING. Wouldn’t surprise me to find strings attached to his arms and fingers and somebody playing that muppet from atop the dugout, always cleverly staying out of shot.

Shoutout to Amed Rosario, who has none of his four paws under control, and whose level of play at short is as appalling as a kid playing with matches in the dynamite factory. Can we get Wilmer Flores back, please? I hear Ruben Tejada keeps in shape in Syracuse. I will taken Ruben Tejada *immediately* over A Met Evoking Disappointment.

Shoutout to Rob Numbfred and the rest of the corrupt MLB brass for the supercharged baseballs that turn every game into 11-7 bombfests. Or sometimes 5-4 with nine homers. There is no integrity in the game, and that fish is stinking from the head on down.

Shoutout also to mlb.tv, who managed to show a 4 in the bottom 9th of the line score when Muncy hit that ball to Sacramento. I mean… I was pretty prescient about how this was going to unravel at that point, but … COME ON.