[Westheim]

2031 PORTLAND RACCOONS – Opening Day Roster (first set in parenthesis shows 2030 numbers, second set career numbers; players with an * are off season acquisitions):

SP Mark Roberts, 36, B:L, T:L (13-11, 3.69 ERA | 143-98, 3.11 ERA) – for once did not lead the league in dingers allowed, and instead walked 40% more guys than usual, all of which I sign up to old age and stuff and control going away. That doesn’t mean he will get rid of the launchpad moniker ever again in his career. Two more years on his contract, both guaranteed. It’s unlikely that he can muster the numbers necessary for serious Hall of Fame consideration; he currently has 2,149 strikeouts in addition to his other stats.
SP Tom Shumway, 34, B:L, T:L (8-15, 4.06 ERA | 139-115, 3.33 ERA) – no-hit the Loggers in May, then went straight into the toilet. Oh well, still better than the DL. One of a couple of former Aces just not cutting it anymore. Strikeouts were down, walks were up in ’30, and there are another $9.9M left on this contract…
SP Dave Martinez, 25, B:S, T:R (14-11, 3.79 ERA | 20-14, 3.65 ERA) – run-of-the-mill righty getting by mostly on prayers to Odilon, who demands abstinence from wenches, vices, and meat, the latter of which confuses his teammates so much that he is not particularly liked, but as long as he turns his nondescript stuff into a sub-league-average ERA he can do whatever he ****ing wants.
SP Ed Hague *, 34, B:R, T:R (11-13, 4.18 ERA | 105-98, 4.11 ERA, 1 SV) – proven veteran that once each led the CL in wins (2026) and homers allowed (2030). Placeholder on a 2-year contract until we can get our young starts to rise from the minors.
SP Rico Gutierrez, 31, B:L, T:L (6-12, 5.32 ERA | 96-74, 3.42 ERA) – the baseball equivalent of a snuff movie, Rico went to the mound 26 times in ’30 (as often as various nagging injuries allowed) and almost as often came back in a litter with half his intestines dragging behind him. His absolutely brutal crash landing from winning the ERA title as recently as *2028* to the absolute garbage he delivered in ’30 is hard to put into words. Can’t get people away with two strikes, walked everybody and their mother, but hey, at least people are not hitting dingers off him anymore. But then it’s hard to hit a pitch that bounces six feet from home plate. And, oh yeah, there’s five years left on that contract…

LR Eddie Krumm *, 31, B:R, T:R (4-18, 4.93 ERA | 27-56, 5.07 ERA, 4 SV) – signed as fifth starter before we got Ed Hague for that job, Krumm led the FL in losses last year, which prompted the Scorpions to let go of him. Nothing special, and his K/BB usually just barely exceeds 1.2 or so. Will provide long relief and spot start duties and might take over once Rico Gutierrez inevitably goes to the DL again.
MR Jonathan Fleischer, 28, B:L, T:R (3-3, 4.76 ERA, 1 SV | 11-8, 3.75 ERA, 3 SV) – right-hander with a 96mph heater and a nasty curveball, but unfortunately also with some significant control issues. Walked six per nine in 2030, and I don’t know how much more patience I have for that sort of attitude.
MR Mauricio Garavito, 29, B:L, T:L (1-2, 2.92 ERA, 2 SV | 7-8, 2.99 ERA, 7 SV) – left-hander with balanced splits that was claimed off waivers by the Bayhawks early in the 2029 season when Jeremy Moesker turned out to be a turd. Did little to draw negative or positive attention since then; mostly very reliable.
MR John Hennessy *, 23, B:L, T:L (rookie) – selected in the Rule 5 draft from the Blue Sox, Hennessy throws 92 and has a rather wicked slider to fool hitters with.
MR Chris Wise, 24, B:R, T:R (3-2, 3.24 ERA | 3-2, 3.24 ERA) – debuted mid-season and was largely decent in his outings; if only he didn’t walk a guy every two innings on average...
SU Ricky Ohl, 32, B:R, T:R (2-5, 2.45 ERA, 16 SV | 27-22, 2.51 ERA, 47 SV) – aggressive strikeout pitcher who usually has no trouble whiffing a dozen per nine innings and most of the time keeps the ball in the park, too… there was that one year, where he gave up ten bombs in 56 innings, but it was for a change not ’30…
CL Josh Boles, 27, B:L, T:L (1-0, 0.68 ERA, 20 SV | 12-9, 1.96 ERA, 122 SV) – his dazzling knuckle curve unnerves both left- and right-handed batters and we can not imagine a better closer right now. Hasn’t lost a game since ’28, which would have been more of an achievement if he hadn’t missed more than half of 2030 on the DL…

C Elias Tovias, 31, B:S, T:R (.220, 4 HR, 27 RBI | .249, 97 HR, 433 RBI) – the question to the answer of “who does NOTHING and still gets $1.1M a year?”, Elias Matias Tovias Diaz once had good defense, called a smart game, had a rather strong arm, and a few years in the mid-20s was actually an offensive contributor. None of these bullet points I would still subscribe to. It says something about the early-30s Coons that they never came close to importing serious competition for the primary backstop’s job. This is the last year on Tovias’ contract. I don’t see him getting another one. With anybody.
C Armando Leal *, 35, B:S, T:R (.190, 0 HR, 1 RBI | .280, 87 HR, 540 RBI) – returns for a second tour of duty as a Rule 5 pick after getting next to no attention in his gap year in San Francisco. Will probably not win a second ring with the Critters... but if Tovias keeps doing Tovias, there is no reason Leal shouldn’t jump ahead and catch the bulk of the games. They’re both old. They’re both ****.

1B Jarod Howden *, 25, B:L, T:L (.274, 11 HR, 66 RBI | .269, 18 HR, 105 RBI) – has some shoes to fill after being acquired from the Blue Sox for nothing more but Butch Gerster. So-so defense, some power in the stick, and yes we DO wish that one of those first base blokes we draft every year would finally pan out, but they never do...
2B/SS Tim Stalker, 32, B:R, T:R (.232, 7 HR, 64 RBI | .259, 77 HR, 491 RBI) – very good defensive middle infielder, more than just token speed, and most of the time also a good batter, even though he ended 2029 in a terrible slump that carried on through ALL of the 2030 season. Probably the worst disappointment that wasn’t actually talked about a whole lot because everybody was so focused on the daily “man overboard” pitching clown show we had going on for most of the summer. Oh yeah, that rotten contract also has four years left at a crisp rate...
SS Alberto Ramos, 25, B:L, T:R (.317, 3 HR, 58 RBI | .322, 11 HR, 210 RBI) – The Excitement finally stayed on the field for a full season and tied, but didn’t break, the ABL record for stolen bases in a season, while SHATTERING the franchise mark by a mere 20 sacks when he stole 74 in ’30. Parlayed his success into a big contract that will completely not turn sour the second the umpire orders ball to be played on April 7.
3B/2B/SS/LF/RF Rich Hereford, 33, B:S, T:R (.242, 11 HR, 52 RBI | .279, 176 HR, 738 RBI) – without question part of the basket of Critters that were amazing as recently as 2028, and since then it has been nothing but horrors and/or injuries for them. Hereford missed 119 games between the last two years, and hasn’t come close to any sort of matching production compared to his once-in-a-decade season in ’28 when he homered 32 times and scored 140. Once-in-a-decade meaning that we only get such a season once in a decade from somebody, at best, not that it only happens as seldomly across the league…
3B Matt Nunley, 40, B:L, T:R (.283, 10 HR, 75 RBI | .279, 168 HR, 1,013 RBI) – endless Matt Nunley re-upped for another season, which will be his 19th overall, setting a new record for longevity among Raccoons. Was wildly amazing with the stick in the first half of the 2030 season, but slid off a bit later, but him winning a batting title at 39 years old was probably a bit too much asked from the baseball gods. He won a Gold Glove, though....
RF/LF/3B/CF/2B/1B Chris Baldwin, 27, B:R, T:R (.273, 0 HR, 7 RBI | .248, 1 HR, 18 RBI) – super utility player (I like the type) that spent almost the entire season on the major league roster and came up with just SEVEN ribbies in almost 200 plate appearances. At least he knows how to use all his gloves, and the last time I touched him he still had appropriate temperature …

LF/CF Matt Jamieson, 35, B:R, T:R (.272, 11 HR, 51 RBI | .264, 99 HR, 605 RBI) – played a competent leftfield and hit the ball more or less as expected, which is already a bit of a compliment given how 2030 had gone down. Will probably split at least some time with Hereford again given that only one guy can occupy third base at any given time.
LF/CF/RF/1B Joe Vanatti *, 33, B:L, T:L (.231, 5 HR, 32 RBI | .277, 61 HR, 425 RBI) – acquired from the Gold Sox, Vanatti is on his fourth team in 18 months, but it’s not like that always has to be a bad thing. Could be a perennial All Star being in high demand! But that’s not Vanatti…
RF/LF Jimmy Wallace, 24, B:L, T:L (.270, 1 HR, 8 RBI | .270, 1 HR, 8 RBI) – dubious defense, but he swung a hot stick after injuries prompted his promotion soon after he was acquired from the Buffaloes in the Jose Menendez trade, then went on the DL, and then batted .150 in September. Somehow, that was enough to win him a job in the starting lineup for Game One.
1B/LF/RF Ryan Allan, 29, B:L, T:R (.299, 0 HR, 20 RBI | .273, 1 HR, 29 RBI) – came out of nowhere last year and hit well over .300 for a while before fading, amassing 244 at-bats in total. Given that players don’t usually blossom at 28, we expect regression and him being deported to Florida before it stops raining in Portland.
CF/SS/LF/3B/2B/RF Sean Catella, 26, B:S, T:R (.250, 0 HR, 9 RBI | .237, 0 HR, 9 RBI) – the versatile, but not stellar defender ran into a job by virtue of being not absolutely ghastly terrible after everybody else had gone on the DL and/or to hell.

On disabled list: Nobody.

Otherwise unavailable: Nobody.

Other roster movement:
MR/C Mike Hugh *, 23, B:R, T:R (no stats) – returned to Crusaders. Was taken in the Rule 5 draft, but to my utmost regret we couldn’t work out a way to keep this extremely interesting pitcher slash catcher on the roster.
MR Nick Derks, 30, B:R, T:R (0-2, 1.57 ERA | 5-4, 4.60 ERA) – waived and DFA’ed – below-average right-hander with ill control, who will never learn.
2B/SS Alex Geraldo *, 25, B:R, T:R (.273, 0 HR, 2 RBI | .213, 0 HR, 4 RBI) – decent defensive depth for the middle infield, never wrong to have around with Alberto Ramos on staff. Only has 47 at-bats to his career, all with the Stars, from where we claimed him off waivers.

Not listed individually here are all the pitchers that were kept on the extended roster throughout the offseason but were reassigned to AAA on an option: Raffaello Sabre, Nick Bates, Bryan Rabbitt, and Victor Anaya.

OPENING DAY LINEUP:

Vs. RHP: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Nunley – LF Hereford – 1B Howden – RF Wallace – CF Vanatti – C Tovias – P
(Vs. LHP: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – 3B Hereford – LF Jamieson – 1B Howden – RF Wallace – C Tovias – CF Baldwin – P)

Still too many lefty bats, but we might make it work somehow… or maybe not. If Howden batted right-handed, I would like the lefty lineup quite a bit more, but it’s not to be.

OFF SEASON CHANGES:

The Raccoons shed a bunch of their key personnel during their twin titles late in the expired decade. Abel Mora is no more. Rafael Gomez is no more (and unsigned). Billy Brotman, Kevin Surginer, Kevin Harenberg – all gone. We made two smart trades right at the start of the offseason to add Howden and Vanatti, but then couldn’t get rid of some other personnel that we’ve seen enough of… None of our free agent acquisition cries out future champ. We then ended up signing a pile of over-the-hill has-beens. Nevertheless for a while in the winter the Coons led the offseason WAR gains board over at BNN. That didn’t hold, and we ended up fading to sixth with a +2.5 gain during the winter.

Top 5: Pacifics (+6.4), Knights (+4.9), Titans (+4.8), Loggers (+4.0), Bayhawks (+2.9)
Bottom 5: Rebels (-3.3), Stars (-3.6), Crusaders (-5.2), Scorpions (-6.6), Blue Sox (-11.7)

PREDICTION TIME:

Last year I elaborated in detail why we were the team to beat, and we didn’t lead our division once, and ended up finishing last after a suffocating collapse from ho-hum .500 ball in August.

This year? Doom. Nothing but doom. Doom is all there is to look forward to. The Raccoons lost 88 games last year. They will probably not stop there. Most of the pitching is old or sucks. There are two real assets in the pen, maybe three if Wise pans out. There are very few assets in the lineup. Everybody loves Ramos. He could be on the DL for half the year. Wouldn’t be the first time. Just look at the lineups above. We really, actually, can’t do any better than that.

The Raccoons will suck from day one, and minus some individual performances (maybe Tim Stalker defrosts at some point? Maybe Wallace is not a turd? Perhaps Hennessy amazes us?) will hope for company in the cellar, where they will doubtlessly end up after a 67-95 season.

PLAYER DEVELOPMENT:

Such a horrendous team better have a good farm system! … Weeeeell……… okay, we did improve further from 21st to 17th in terms of farm system which is surely an upswing after sitting at the very bottom a few times in the latter half of the 20s. Selling everything with four paws to squeak out another win or two won us two titles, but we still see the results of it. Last year we had all but five ranked prospects (which was already an improvement over the most barren times…), which has gone up to TEN this year. Three of those are in the top 100 compared to two last year.

Two of the five ranked prospects from last year are not on the list anymore. #124 Chris Wise exceeded rookie limits. #150 Izzy Chavez was rolled up in the trade for Jimmy Wallace, who was not ranked, but who we liked nevertheless!

32nd (+20) – AA C Elliott Thompson, 21 – 2028 sixth-round pick by Raccoons
48th (new) – AAA SP Raffaello Sabre, 22 – 2025 international free agent signed by Raccoons
77th (+5) – AA SP Darren Brown, 21 – 2028 first-round pick by Raccoons
113th (+32) – AA SP Ignacio del Rio, 21 – 2026 international free agent signed by Raccoons
148th (new) – A SP Jason Lucas, 21 – 2030 second-round pick by Raccoons
150th (new) – A OF Ed Hooge, 21 – 2030 first-round pick by Raccoons
175th (new) – A C Chris Manning, 18 – 2030 fourth-round pick by Raccoons
177th (new) – AA SP Travis Coffee, 23 – 2028 third-round pick by Raccoons
178th (new) – AAA SP Bernie Chavez, 21 – 2026 fourth-round pick by Gold Sox, acquired via trade for Rin Nomura
185th (new) – INT SS Jose Agosto, 18 – 2030 international free agent signed by Raccoons

Yeah, right NOW it seems lie we drafted well in ’30. That will take care of itself, too.

The top 5 overall prospects this year are:

#1 RIC AA SP Justin Kaiser (was #1)
#2 DEN AA SS/2B Enrique Vargas (was #6)
#3 PIT ML INF Sergio Barcia (was #18)
#4 RIC AA 2B/3B Ben Freeman (newly drafted)
#5 CHA A SP Chris Turner (newly drafted) – might miss entire season after Tommy John surgery

For last year’s remaining top 5 picks, Boston’s Rich Willett slipped from #5 to #6, and the #2 through #4 prospects – BOS Moises Avila, SFW Mario Colon, TIJ Willie Ojeda in order – all exceeded rookie limits in the Bigs.

Next: first pitch. (but probably not today, it’s scathing hot and I want to lie down and close my eyes in a dark corner…)