[Westheim]

Raccoons (18-24) @ Bayhawks (17-26) – May 27-29, 2031

Two crummy teams met at the Bay, with both of them already 12 or more games out in their divisions. The Bayhawks blamed it all on offense; their pitching was well enough, but their hitters weren’t hitting, flat out. They had scored only 127 runs in 43 games, which does sound low, and turns out to be fewer than THREE runs per game. Catcher Jimmy Wood led the team with five homers and 21 RBI. Maybe this was the time to break our spell against San Fran, who had taken the season series from the Coons for four straight years, winning five games out of nine in 2030.

Projected matchups:
Dave Martinez (3-1, 2.85 ERA) vs. Guillermo Regalado (4-4, 3.60 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (1-5, 5.64 ERA) vs. Abramo Archibugi (3-4, 2.51 ERA)
Mark Roberts (3-3, 3.72 ERA) vs. Matt Huf (3-6, 3.96 ERA)

The Critters flicked two pairs of pitchers in the rotation, utilizing the Monday off day. Martinez moved ahead of Rico Gutierrez, and Mark Roberts moved ahead of Ed Hague to face his once-upon-a-time team. We expected to see their only southpaw, Archibugi, although they could also do some spin-o-rama…

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – LF Hereford – 3B Nunley – 1B Howden – C Tovias – CF Vanatti – P Martinez
SFB: 2B J. Cruz – 1B Caraballo – RF Suhay – C J. Wood – 3B D. Myers – CF Chaplin – LF Hawthorne – SS Pulido – P Regalado

While the Critters had Jarod Howden thrown out at home plate to end the top of the second inning on Elias Tovias’ double to right – what were we supposed to do? Wait for Vanatti to drive in a run?? – the Bayhawks had the bags full and nobody out to begin the bottom of the same inning. Dave Myers singled to center; Mike Chaplin hit a ground-rule double; and Martinez couldn’t be arsed to throw a strike to George Hawthorne at all. Jose Pulido’s fly in deep left beat Rich Hereford by a good margin for a 2-run double before Regalado and Tomas Caraballo struck out, sandwiching a sad Jose Cruz pop on the infield. The repulsive all-or-nothing hitter Ben Suhay rolled ALL with his die in the third, hitting a solo jack to left and burying the Coons down 3-0. Well, the good news – that’s their daily allotment! Now we can rally past them. The fourth saw Tim Stalker land a leadoff double and be scored on consecutive productive groundouts, but otherwise the Raccoons offered precious little against the Nicaraguan righty opposing them. We had only three base knocks through five innings, but then suddenly added three more in the sixth to create a pinch for the Baybirds. Ramos opened the sixth being robbed by Suhay of extra bases on a vicious liner. Stalker then dropped a single, was forced out by Jimmy Wallace, but Hereford and Nunley hit consecutive singles to the left side to bring Wallace around and cut the gap to 3-2. Jarod Howden had a solid chance to bring the Coons to the top end of the scoreboard here, but poked too eagerly and grounded out to Cruz to end the inning.

Cruz went on to knock out Martinez with an RBI double in the bottom 7th. Pulido had already opened the inning with a double. The Critters used David Fernandez and Chris Wise to wiggle out of the inning on a pair of strikeouts to Caraballo and Suhay (NOTHING!), so the Bayhawks didn’t get further out than two runs, a lead that soon started to melt again. Ramos flew out to begin the eighth (deep rut here…), but Regalado nailed Stalker, then threw a wild pitch. Stalker jogged home when Jimmy Wallace doubled into the corner in left, 4-3, but was stranded when both Hereford and Nunley grounded out. Wise held on in the eighth, and the Coons faced their former flock mate Dan McLin in the ninth inning, which was a weird choice, since McLin had never been great, rarely good, and was walking more batters than he struck out. Oh if only the Raccoons would have gotten the memo. Howden, Tovias, Jamieson all poked in the ninth – all three flew out easily. 4-3 Bayhawks. Stalker 2-3, 2B; Tovias 2-4, 2B;

Okay, glazing cake with the scouting report didn’t work. They just gobbled it up. Back to the drawing board.

No, Matt, I don’t have cake. – I just talked about cake. – Get your claws off me …!

Game 2
POR: SS Stalker – RF Wallace – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – 1B Howden – C Leal – CF Catella – 2B Baldwin – P Gutierrez
SFB: 2B J. Cruz – 1B Dupuis – RF Suhay – C J. Wood – LF Hawthorne – 3B D. Myers – SS M. Martin – CF Chaplin – P Archibugi

The Raccoons unfurled a 3-spot in the opening inning with Stalker and Jamieson setting the table with singles before the 4-5-6 batters each cashed a runner. Rich Hereford hit an RBI double past Hawthorne, Jarod Howden dropped an RBI single in front of Hawthorne, and Armando Leal hit a sac fly. Then the league-wide experiment of how many runs it would take for the Coons to dump Rico Gutierrez and his albatross contract in the nearest river continued. Jon Dupuis, not even batting .200, launched a real rocket right in the bottom 1st for a solo homer. Mike Chaplin missed a 2-out RBI double to score Mike Martin in the bottom 2nd only because Sean Catella made a flying catch that was all over the highlights for the next two days. In the third, at least, Rico got a highlight, picking Jose Cruz off first base to end the frame.

While the outfielders got their work in, and the Coons might still beat the Baybirds despite Rico on account of Archibugi’s higher rate of decomposing, Gutierrez’ pitching remained worrisome. At least the outfielders got their work in, and Rico got his 11th K in almost 50 innings when Suhay came up with NOTHING. In the fifth, the Coons added an unearned run to their tally, Stalker scoring on a Jamieson sac fly after initially reaching base on a 2-base throwing error by Myers. Bottom 5th, there were two out and nobody on when Jamieson couldn’t get to a Chaplin double. At least that brought the pitcher’s spot up. Archibugi was 2-for-19 and generally not much of a threat, at least until he belted an 0-2 pitch and buried it in the depths of the alley in left-center, and since the outfield had played rather shallow to curtail bloop singles, Archibugi wound up with a 2-out RBI triple. Cruz singled him in on the very next pitch, it was a 4-3 game, and the bullpen began to stir with 58 pitches on Gutierrez’ clock – too many already! Dupuis flew out to Catella to prevent an immediate collapse, and in the sixth Rico struck out Suhay again AND Jimmy Wood on top of that. Hawthorne walked, but Catella caught a Myers fly to end the inning. Come the seventh, Archibugi fell behind basically everybody. Stalker hit a leadoff single, Wallace flew out. Jamieson walked in a full count, and Hereford and Howden dropped back-to-back RBI knocks, a single and a double respectively. That got us to 6-3, two in scoring position, and one out. With Leal in the box, the Bayhawks didn’t make a move, probably because they expected the Critters to make one with a chance for the knockout blow. We made no move in fact, and then the Baybirds chirped in agitated fashion and walked the .216 menace Leal intentionally to load the bases. Then they sent for right-hander Jesus Blanco. The Coons launced Alberto Ramos from the dugout immediately, batting for Sean Catella. He worked a full count into a run-scoring walk, 7-3, and then Nunley batted for an 0-for-3 Baldwin and hit a sac fly. Vanatti batted for Gutierrez and poked an RBI single to right, 9-3. Stalker finally grounded out, ending the 5-run inning. That was the ballgame for all intents and purposes. The Coons added a pair of runs on a Howden double in the eighth, Wallace and Hereford scoring, and the Coons got two clean innings from Nick Derks and a serviceable one from Fleischer, who allowed a run for a leadoff double by Dave Myers in the bottom of the ninth, but the score was not notably changed by it. 11-4 Raccoons. Stalker 2-6; Wallace 2-4, BB; Hereford 2-4, BB, 2B, 2 RBI; Howden 4-5, 2 2B, 4 RBI; Ramos (PH) 0-1, BB, RBI; Vanatti (PH) 1-2, RBI; Derks 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 0 K;

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – LF Hereford – 3B Nunley – 1B Howden – C Tovias – CF Vanatti – P Roberts
SFB: 2B J. Cruz – 1B Dupuis – RF Suhay – C J. Wood – LF Hawthorne – 3B D. Myers – SS Pulido – CF Chaplin – P Huf

Huf, who had been part of the package for Roberts almost a decade ago, got whisked for four runs in the opening frame, which started innocently enough with a Ramos Special that was completed with a Wallace single with one out, but then blossomed once the Coons kept hitting away. Hereford hit a double, Nunley reached on an infield single when Huf took too long to look and threaten Wallace back to third base, and Howden hit a sac fly. Just when we seemed done, Elias Tovias walked in a full count to restock the bags, and Vanatti clubbed in two with a double to left. Tovias struck out because Roberts was one of the best-hitting pitcher and why get your lead-footed catchers mauled at home plate in the first place? Roberts struck out, stranding two, then served up a homer to Jose Cruz on his second pitch of the game. Dave Myers launched a homer of his own in the bottom 2nd, and with one out Pulido singled and was doubled home by Chaplin, 4-3, and Chaplin didn’t miss a game-tying homer by much, either… instead, Jon Dupuis completed the uncomfortably quick comeback with a leadoff jack in the third inning. Hey, Roberts!! I remember a time when nobody could hit a homer in this dump!! – Why are all the Bayhawks guys glaring at me?

Neither pitcher lived long in this game. There was a brief delay for a quick shower in the fourth, which didn’t mess up much since everything was already a mess in a 4-4 game. The Coons finally hit a homer of their own, a 2-run shot by Rich Hereford that would knock out Huf in the top of the fifth. Roberts had to get through the top of the order now to at least qualify for a tainted version of a W, but offered a leadoff walk to Cruz before throwing a fat 0-2 putch to Dupuis that was also turned into a souvenir for some ugly little boy in the leftfield stands. As the crowd gave the bespectacled and freckled elementary schooler a standing ovation for making a clean catch on the game-tying homer, I, without much effort, broke my glass of booze in my right hand, and for the next few innings had the shards removed from the hand that was stitched and bandaged up by a medical attendant that repeatedly asked me whether it hurt, and I always answered truthfully that it hurt nowhere near as much as watching this goddamn team every single ****ing day. Roberts was yanked after giving up a 6-6 score (and Jon Dupuis was now 3-for-6 in the series, every hit a homer). The Coons would leave runners on the corners when Tovias struck out in the seventh, then had their pen collapse in the bottom of the same inning. Garavito had pitched the bottom 6th already, then allowed a leadoff single to Cruz in the seventh. Ricky Ohl came on, but continued to simply suck, allowing hard hits to PH Joseph McClenon, Wood, and PH Caraballo, which was good enough for two runs. Myers whiffed for the second out before Fernandez replaced Ohl against the switch-hitting Pulido, who popped out to strand two, but now in an 8-6 game. The Coons got Leal on base with a 1-out single in the eighth inning, hit out of the #9 hole. Ramos forced him out, then was caught stealing. Top 9th, McLin was back in the fray, facing the 2-3-4 batters. The Coons let themselves be retired on five pitches… 8-6 Bayhawks. Hereford 3-5, 2 2B, 2 RBI; Leal 1-1;

Raccoons (19-26) @ Condors (33-15) – May 30-June 1, 2031

Amid the sea of stats that explained why the Coons would not suddenly turn to winning in this weekend set, this one stood out: the Loggers had just completed a 3-game sweep of the Loggers, and had allowed only TWO runs in that series. What the heck were we supposed to do? Would we score at all? The Condors were second in runs scored, second in runs allowed, second in starters’ ERA, second in bullpen ERA, had the best defense and the most homers, and only a lousy 2-1 edge in the season series…

Projected matchups:
Ed Hague (2-2, 5.73 ERA) vs. Jorge Villalobos (5-1, 1.40 ERA)
Jason Gurney (1-1, 3.12 ERA) vs. Joe Perry (3-2, 3.02 ERA)
Dave Martinez (3-2, 3.23 ERA) vs. George Griffin (5-2, 3.12 ERA)

Southpaw in the middle of the series. They had two more we’d miss, including undefeated Jeff Little (6-0, 1.57 ERA), whose ERA screamed out league leader, but he wasn’t even first on his own team …! Villalobos led the league in ERA, and in between the two Vultures sat Milwaukee’s Mike Hodge with a 1.44 mark.

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – LF Jamieson – RF Wallace – 2B Hereford – 3B Nunley – 1B Howden – C Tovias – CF Catella – P Hague
TIJ: C Zarate – SS O. Camacho – 3B Sanks – 1B McGrath – RF C. Murphy – 2B C. Miller – LF Palbes – CF Sung – P Villalobos

The first time through, neither team had much to show for. Both had two base hits, although the Coons’ most impressive at-bat was actually a deep fly out by Elias Tovias to Juan Palbes in the second inning. Beleaguered Ed Hague struck out the side in his half of the second inning. The Critters actually reached second base not until the fourth, and then in unearned fashion, when Jimmy Wallace was put there to begin the inning thanks to a throwing error by Chris Miller. Hereford walked on base behind him, giving the Critters a decently-sized scoring opportunity, especially since Villalobos kept unravelling and walked Matt Nunley on four pitches. Three on, no outs, and how about lighting a fire under the league ERA leader’s bum now? Nope, Villalobos’ ERA would go nothing but down… but this came back to the Miller error at the top of the frame. Granted, Jarod Howden, the dumb pig, hitting into a run-scoring double play did little to further our cause, but at least Tovias got a clean 2-out RBI single in, too. Of course both runs were unearned. Catella ended the inning with a grounder to short.

By the fifth, the Condors lost Chris Murphy to injury on a tumbling play to catch an Ed Hague fly. Hague remained oh-for-plenty with the stick this year, but Murphy was the one stretchered off, with Willie Ojeda the replacement. The 19-year-old, highly touted outfielder, who was rumored to be having bis breakout any minute now, but was batting .209 coming into the series, struck out to begin the bottom 5th and grounded out to end the seventh. In between, Hague allowed only a Palbes single, and a near-game-tying-homer to Yeong-ha Sung that Chris Wallace caught right at the fence in the fifth. Through seven innings, the Critters continued to show no serious bid to score an earned run, but at least Hague nursed the 2-0 lead. He got Miller to ground out to begin the bottom 8th, then was replaced with Garavito for the bottom of the order, beginning with the left-handed batting Palbes, and also for having reached 99 pitches already without much of a whiff to complete the game. Garavito at once put the tying runs on the corners with two vicious line drive base hits by Palbes and Sung, and on only three pitches. The Critters scrambled for Ricky Ohl against PH Juan Camps, who legged out an infield roller for an RBI single. Danny Zarate flew out to Jamieson; Omar Camacho bounced out to Hereford to let the Critters off the hook in the eighth. An even better attempt at blowing the game was delivered by Josh Boles in the ninth. Still up merely 2-1, Boles walked not only the despicable skunk weasel Shane Sanks to start the inning (and on four pitches…), but also Kevin McGrath in a full count after that. Ojeda grounded into a fielder’s choice at second base, meaning Sanks moved to third with the tying run. Chris Miller hit a fly to shallow right-center in a 1-1 count then, with Wallace having to race hard to be able to make a catch. Sanks was sent by the Condors, with Wallace’s momentum carrying him into centerfield, but the Coons rookie managed to throw the anchor and kept a great throw off to home plate. The ball reached Tovias on one perfect bounce, Tovias threw himself into the sliding Sanks, and the runner was … OUT!! 2-1 Critters! Ramos 2-4; Howden 2-3, BB; Hague 7.1 IP, 4 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 7 K, W (3-2);

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – RF Hereford – 3B Nunley – C Tovias – 1B Howden – CF Baldwin – P Gurney
TIJ: C Zarate – SS O. Camacho – 3B Sanks – 1B McGrath – 2B C. Miller – CF Sung – RF Camps – LF Palbes – P Perry

Jason Gurney was involved in two rather intense bases-loaded situations in the early innings, the first of which came as a batter after the Critters had flocked to occupy all the bases with two 2-out singles by Tovias and Howden, and Baldwin being simply nailed, which was the only recognized way to reach base currently available to him. Gurney struck out to strand them all, eviscerated by Perry with breaking pitches. While the Condors took a 1-0 lead on a line drive homer by Juan Camps in the bottom 2nd, they had an even better chance in the third, which saw Zarate and Camacho reach with base hits, Sanks filling them up on balls, and there was only one out against Kevin McGrath, who had 12 homers and three times as many RBI. He was also a bit too eager to get more numbers into his tally and hacked through three pitches by Gurney to take a very somber walk back to the dugout before Chris Miller flew out easily to Baldwin to strand three. McGrath only found success his next time around, with a solo homer in the fifth inning.

Gurney pitched seven innings without allowing more damage, and outlasted Joe Perry by a full inning, which didn’t mean that much since Perry had about the least stamina of any notable starting pitcher in the league right now.* The Coons still had to crack the scoreboard in a meaningful way when they got to see the bullpen. George Barnett retired them in orderly fashion in the seventh, but in the eighth allowed a pinch-hit leadoff single to Joe Vanatti. On came Ken Kramer, who walked Ramos, then disappeared immediately in favor of Pat Selby, a right-hander and recently a closer. Tim Stalker grounded up the middle, Camacho was probably going to turn two as he picked up the roller near the bag, but lost it in the transfer and retired nobody at all; the error loaded the bases with no Coon retired. Jamieson struck out. Hereford struck out. Nunley put a quick bouncer into play… right at Miller for the third out. The ninth was much less dramatic; Tovias, Howden, and Wallace went down in order against Erik David. 2-0 Condors. Howden 2-4; Vanatti (PH) 1-1; Gurney 7.0 IP, 7 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 BB, 4 K, L (1-2);

I see that the bookies are not going to pay out a lot of money if you were mean enough to wager against the Raccoons coming up with an earned run in this series…

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – RF Wallace – 3B Nunley – 1B Howden – CF Vanatti – C Leal – P Martinez
TIJ: LF Palbes – SS O. Camacho – 3B Sanks – 1B McGrath – 2B C. Miller – RF Camps – C Wool – CF Sung – P Griffin

Coons offense continued to be indeed non-existent. They had two base hits through five innings, and no runner reaching third base. Martinez did his best in channeling Odilon’s Strength, but gave up a run on singles by Camacho, McGrath, and Miller in the first, and another one on a Palbes double, stolen base, and Sanks sac fly in the third for a 2-0 deficit. While Martinez kept scratching and clawing to keep the Condors close, including stranding Wool and Sung in scoring position in the bottom of the seventh, he was still no match for Griffin, who retired the miserable Coons in order in the sixth, seventh, and eighth, and was probably hoping for some tack-on offense so that management would allow him to complete a shutout. No extra run came about as Martinez completed eight innings on 111 pitches, working around a 2-out walk to McGrath to get a groundout to Nunley from Chris Miller. Thus, no shot at glory for Griffin – he was replaced with Ray Andrews and his 1.89 ERA in the ninth inning. The #8 slot was up to begin the inning, but the Critters went to the bench. Catella batted for Leal and grounded out to short on the first pitch. Rich Hereford batted for Martinez and laced a 1-0 pitch into the rightfield corner for a double – by far the most impressive Critters at-bat for about two hours. But of course it wasn’t enough. Ramos grounded out to short. Stalker grounded out to Sanks. 2-0 Condors. Howden 2-3, 2B; Hereford (PH) 1-1, 2B; Martinez 8.0 IP, 7 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 BB, 4 K, L (3-3);

Talk about losing with the least possible amount of effort. Condors pitchers threw all of 98 pitches and the loss was in the books in a hurry, taking barely over two hours, 2:09 to be exact. The entire series was completed in 7:16.

In other news

May 27 – Indians reliever Marcus Owens (4-1, 1.35 ERA, 7 SV) achieves eternal shame for ending the Indians’ 11-inning affair in Las Vegas by hitting the batter with the bases loaded, resulting in a 3-2 Aces win. That batter is the game’s official winner, LVA MR J.J. Rodd (1-0, 0.00 ERA).
May 29 – IND SP Andy Bressner (5-6, 2.18 ERA) 3-hits the Aces in a 3-0 shutout. It is the third complete game and second shutout for the 25-year-old right-hander this season.
May 31 – 19-year-old DAL INF Jon Ramos (.356, 2 HR, 13 RBI) stuns the league by hitting for the cycle in a 12-2 Stars win over the Cyclones. The sophomore doubles in the first, triples in the second, singles in the sixth, and completes the cycle with a solo home run off CIN MR Sean Rhinehart (0-1, 11.25 ERA) in the seventh inning. This is the 80th cycle in ABL history, and the ninth for the Stars, who most recently had seen Josh Wool hit for the cycle in 2025, then as now in Cincinnati.
June 1 – In the second instance of a walkoff hit-by pitch of the week, BOS MR Tim Zimmerman (2-1, 6.10 ERA, 1 SV) drills Las Vegas’ Nick Hatley (.229, 1 HR, 10 RBI) with the bases loaded in the ninth inning to give away the game to the Aces, 2-1. Zimmerman actually hits two batters in the inning, with LVA C Mike Pizzo (.263, 1 HR, 6 RBI) the prior victim.
June 1 – The Falcons are out-hit 11-2 by the Crusades, but win the game anyway, 3-2, on a single stroke by LF/RF Barend Kok (.207, 2 HR, 14 RBI) for a 3-run home run off NYC SP Keith Roofener (2-5, 5.53 ERA) in the eighth inning.

Complaints and stuff

Jimmy Wallace hit only .255 with 4 dingers and 18 RBI in May, but that was enough to come up with his second Rookie of the Month belt. Is the field that week in the CL?

Rico Gutierrez says that he is very worried about his performance. He should relax. It’s not like we are going to pay him out the remainder of his very regrettable contract this week or next… no, I really wonder what he has to worry about – besides, of course, the three guys he’s put on base and the .217 sod wiggling the stick and drooling in the batter’s box.

If you look at the stats carefully, you will notice that we are more games under .500 than runs under .500 … I hope Nick Valdes will not look at the stats, because it could reflect badly on management. (casually pours an assortment of colorful pills into a half-empty bottle of Capt’n Coma)

Fun Fact: The Dallas Stars lead all ABL teams with nine cycles in their name, and while they play in a shoebox in Texas have actually hit for more cycles on the road than at home.

It’s 5-4 in that regard. However, of the five cycles hit *against* them, four have occurred in Dallas. For all the cycles, no pitcher has ever tossed a no-hitter in a game involving the Dallas Stars… except for the combined no-hitter put in by Chris Klein and Ron Thrasher of the 2023 Titans. That one even occurred in Texas.

No player with Raccoons ties ever hit a cycle for the Stars, but one did so against them. The Wolves’ Carlos León hit for two cycles in the 1982 season – the only player to achieve that feat, though not the only player to hit for two cycles in 12 months (LVA Ricardo Garcia, 2009-2010) – including against the Stars on August 24 of that year. León would play his final major league season with the Critters in 1987, hitting .272 with six homers and 38 RBI in 459 at-bats, which wasn’t *bad*, but not enough to help the Coons not lose the division by one game.

Joe Perry’s stamina is 6 (on a 20 scale), which is about the bare minimum to have a viable starter at all. It shows in his innings totals; in 2030 he made 30 starts and pitched only 184.1 innings for a 15-6 record and 2.69 ERA. Those were the most innings pitched of his career; in 2028 he averaged fewer than six innings per start f.e.