[Westheim]

The week started with roster moves on Monday, which was an off day. The Raccoons waived and DFA’ed Ryan Allan and added Jimmy Wallace straight from the DL.

Furthermore, the Raccoons returned Armando Leal to the Stars, from where they had taken him in the rule 5 draft last December, and added Elias Tovias from his rehab assignment.

There were more news on the injury front. By the start of the week, Matt Nunley was still in agony and the Druid expected him to remain in such state for the rest of the week. With that, it no longer made sense to carry him as appendix on an otherwise healthy (makes unsure hand movement) roster. He was thus moved to the DL by Tuesday, retroactive to the previous Monday, and would only be allowed to come off the next Tuesday. The Coons called up INF German Sanchez, batting an uninspired .250 in AAA.

Raccoons (51-67) vs. Miners (69-49) – August 19-21, 2031

The Miners were leading a still competitive FL East, although their lead was up to 6 1/2, and had the chance to pounce on the helpless Critters. They led the Federal League in runs scored, and were doing it mostly by power. There was no speed on the roster. Their pitching was *average*. The starters were sixth in ERA, the pen ranked fourth, but because their defense was rather shaky, the team had allowed the fifth-most runs in the FL, and even more than the Critters, who managed to combine a top three defense with a bottom three rotation. This was the last interleague set of the season, and also the first meeting between clubs in three years, with the Miners having won two of three the last time around.

Projected matchups:
Jason Gurney (8-6, 3.16 ERA) vs. Nick Salinas (7-7, 3.69 ERA)
Mark Roberts (5-6, 4.18 ERA) vs. Jonas Mejia (12-7, 4.72 ERA)
Ed Hague (8-8, 4.05 ERA) vs. Josh Walsh (9-6, 3.55 ERA)

Three right-handers of advanced age in this series, which was also the main reason we didn’t bring back Craig Hollenbeck for a few at-bats. Salinas was familiar to the Coons, albeit only as an Indians reliever from 2023 through 2026. This was his second stint with the Miners, his first major league team.

Game 1
PIT: SS Peddle – RF Bonaccorsi – 3B Lastrade – 1B Santillano – CF C. Martinez – 2B McKenzie – C Wall – LF Trawick – P N. Salinas
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – RF Wallace – C Tovias – 1B Howden – CF Magallanes – P Gurney

Yvon Bonaccorsi singled home Josh Peddle after a leadoff triple in the third inning for the first marker on the scoreboard. At that point Gurney had already loaded the bases with one out in the second inning, causing our dear scout to give me that “told you so” look with his eyebrows. However, with Cesar Martinez and Jim McKenzie hitting singles and Kurt Wall walking onto the open base, Gurney fanned Jake Trawick and got Salinas to ground out harmlessly. “Harmless” also aptly described the modus operandi for the Raccoons. They did get Magallanes on base with a soft single in the bottom 3rd, Gurney bunted him to second, and Ramos singled him home, but that was about it for the first five innings. Danny Santillano’s 25th homer of the season would break the tie in the sixth, which sparked *some* reaction from the home team. Jamieson and Hereford hit 2-out singles in the bottom 6th, but Jimmy Wallace, so far 2-2 on his return, grounded out to Peddle at short. Gurney still trailed, 2-1, when he was pinch-hit for by Wilson Rodriguez with Tovias (single) and Magallanes (walk) on base in the bottom 7th. Rodriguez struck out, after which the Miners went to southpaw Robbie Peel, who dallied away their lead by allowing back-to-back singles to Ramos and Stalker, but with the bases teeming, Matt Jamieson grounded out to Peddle to end the inning. Victor Anaya took over on the mound for Portland and swiftly had an embarrassing accident on a wet staircase, allowing a leadoff single to Omar Lastrade, who reached third base via a steal and wild pitch on consecutive offerings to Santillano. The third pitch in the sequence resulted in a single up the middle, and a new lead for Pittsburgh. Bottom 8th, back-to-back 1-out singles by Wallace and Tovias were met enthusiastically by Jarod Howden, the dumb pig, hitting into a 4-6-3 double play. Old foe Travis Giordano would end the game in the ninth, but not without allowing Ramos to second base with a 2-out double. Thankfully for Pittsburgh’s playoff ambitions, Berto was about the only Critter stirring anything but their drinks, and Tim Stalker struck out. 3-2 Miners. Ramos 3-5, 2B, RBI; Wallace 3-4; Tovias 2-4; Gurney 7.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 3 BB, 5 K;

Game 2
PIT: SS Peddle – RF Bonaccorsi – 3B Lastrade – 1B Santillano – CF C. Martinez – C Sanford – 2B McKenzie – LF Trawick – P J. Mejia
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – RF Wallace – C Tovias – 1B Howden – CF Magallanes – P Roberts

In a Launchpad Special, Mark Roberts coughed up five hits in the opening inning, all of which were hit intensely, and most of which went for extra bases. Peddle opened with a single and before long Omar Lastrade walloped one over the fence in left, 2-0. Santillano singled hard to center, and back-to-back doubles by Cesar Martinez and Pat Sanford plated two more runs for an early 4-0 hole. Roberts would somehow wiggle out of having allowed base hits to Mejia and Peddle to begin the second inning, and when they were in scoring position with two outs and Santillano at the plate there was some brief thought about walking him intentionally (again, in the second inning), but then Roberts was old enough to know that there were consequences for his actions. He got Santillano to hit a fly into Jamieson’s reach to end the inning. Roberts ended up going five shutouts innings after the first-frame disaster, which more close calls where crooked numbers were concerned; the Miners also stranded runners in scoring position in the sixth when Wallace raced back to grab Josh Peddle’s 2-out drive… Raccoons activity through six? They had three men on base… in total. That included Ramos twice, and he was caught stealing by Sanford just as often. Mejia kept pitching a shutout through seven, bypassing a 2-out double by Jimmy Wallace in the bottom 7th when Tovias lined out to McKenzie and into, but not outta the eighth. With Howden having somehow glitched on base with one out, 2005 Ugliest Baby Boy winner Sam Cass hit a gapper in left center for an RBI triple, and Mejia walked Ramos on straight balls, but not quite intentionally. The dugout held up a four-by-four (feet) cardboard sheet with the sign for Ramos, subtly: “NO”. Two double switches inadvertently made Wilson Rodriguez the tying run with runners on the corners and one out. He flew out harmlessly to Trawick, and Bonaccorsi had to hustle, but caught Jamieson’s fly to strand them on the corners. Dave Martinez somehow pitched two innings without imploding, even with a stupid Wilson Rodriguez error to boot, and the bottom 9th began with a Hereford homer to dead center off Travis Giordano, 4-2. Toby Ross batted for Martinez and singled softly to right, but Tovias was rung up. Same for Howden, while Magallanes really juiced it up, grounding out to McKenzie. 4-2 Miners. Ross (PH) 1-1; Howden 2-4; Cass 1-2, 3B, RBI; Martinez 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 1 K;

Oh boy. That offense.

No, still no position player prospects on the horizon that could slot in neatly at some place.

Game 3
PIT: SS Peddle – CF C. Martinez – 1B Santillano – 3B Lastrade – RF Bonaccorsi – 2B McKenzie – C Wall – LF Trawick – P Walsh
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – RF Wallace – 1B Howden – C Ross – CF Catella – P Hague

We wouldn’t have thought such thing possible, but Ed Hague had an even more violent first-inning implosion than Mark Roberts had suffered on Wednesday. Peddle raked a single to right before Cesar Martinez (to left) and Danny Santillano (to right) hit back-to-back bombs, immediately followed by a Lastrade double, after which Hague got a good old yelling-at on the mound by the assorted staff. Lastrade would score on two grounders, giving the Miners another 4-0 lead they were not expected to relinquish. But like Roberts, Hague then kept his hole shut for the next few innings, giving the Raccoons ample chance to rally back from that 4-0 deficit… on paper at least. On the field, Ramos drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 1st and for once was not caught stealing, but rather doubled up by Tim Stalker. The next Coons base runner would be Stalker with a 1-out single in the fourth, and he would be … caught stealing. (deep breath) Then, in the bottom of the fifth, Wallace hit a single to center, Howden worked a walk in a full count, and while Ross flew one over to Trawick for the second out, Sean Catella got a grounder past Peddle for a single. Wallace was sent and scored, and Howden, the dumb pig, was caught up between second and third and was run down to end the inning. Oh boy.

Hereford homered to make it 4-2 for the second day in a row, but this time came up oomph in the seventh inning already. The Coons started the eighth with Hague on the mound, having thrown only 86 pitches, most of them very hittable. He struck out the side, starting with the opposing pitcher, after getting only two fans in the first seven innings, then was hit for in the bottom 8th by the 2005 Ugliest Baby Boy, which led nowhere in particular, but Ramos singled with two outs …! And then Stalker grounded out to short again. For the third straight day, Travis Giordano would get the assignment, and walked Rich Hereford with one out in the bottom 9th. The tying run was up, and it was Jimmy Wallace, which actually made a game-tying comeback possib- … and he grounded to second base, Bobby Marshall to Peddle to Santillano, the slow-motion sweep complete. 4-2 Miners. Howden 1-2, BB;

Well, the good news is that this makes an 0-6 week possible. Maybe we can convince the league to revoke the franchise and expunge the team from the league record!

Raccoons (51-70) vs. Titans (76-45) – August 22-24, 2031

The Titans were also aiming for a 6-0 week as they came in second in both runs scored and runs allowed in the CL and a +142 run differential (Coons: -30). There was nothing to like about them Coons, but lots of things to like about the Titans, except that they were beating our little skulls in with staggeringly little effort this season, leading the season series, 9-2.

Projected matchups:
Tom Shumway (1-4, 3.71 ERA) vs. Dave Dyer (3-2, 3.48 ERA)
Rico Gutierrez (7-10, 5.14 ERA) vs. Eric Williams (13-7, 3.60 ERA)
Jason Gurney (8-6, 3.12 ERA) vs. Dustin Wingo (12-8, 2.75 ERA)

Right, left, left. They had enjoyed Thursday off and could also mix it up, bringing right-hander Greg Gannon (14-7, 2.66 ERA) into the series, although to be honest, then I’d have skipped Dyer, and they didn’t.

Game 1
BOS: CF Acor – LF W. Vega – 1B Uliasz – RF Braun – 2B R. West – C Lessman – 3B Czachor – SS Perkins – P Dyer
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – RF Wallace – LF Hereford – C Tovias – 1B Howden – 3B Sanchez – CF Magallanes – P Shumway

Another game, another 4-run meltdown in the opening inning! Unbelievable! How can they be so ****ing stupid every ****ing day?? – What is it, Maud? – What? – Oh, that’s *our* boys that put up four? – Oh golly, good job, boys! Daddy’s proud’a ya! (barely manages to hold himself upright embracing a Capt’n Coma bottle) … Ramos opened the bottom 1st with a double to right, reached third on a bloop single, and would score on a Hereford sac fly after Wallace had whiffed. Tovias singled over Justin Uliasz’ head, and then Jarod Howden nailed a 3-piece to left, which led me to think that one of these teams would plate a dozen, because no way a Howden homer could matter in the end…

But other than expected, the game developed like the last two in this place against a different team, and the other way round. The leading team didn’t tack on, and the trailing team nibbled in vain. The Titans had somebody or other on base in every inning against Shumway, but couldn’t break through, not even when Adrian Reichardt doubled as pinch-hitter in Dyer’s spot in the fifth. Uliasz opened the sixth with a double to left-center, but then was also doubled off second base when Stalker shagged an Adam Braun line drive that Uliasz had read badly. Shumway would complete seven innings of shutout ball on exactly 100 pitches, and the eighth also yielded no success for Boston. Fleischer walked Willie Vega with one out, and Uliasz smashed a bouncer into a double play to end that inning, too. The Critters, who were never even remotely near scoring another run, sent an otherwise so far unemployed Chris Wise into the ninth inning, despite the lack of urgency with a 4-0 lead. Wise also failed to create such urgency, retiring the 4-5-6 batters on relatively easy grounders. 4-0 Coons. Stalker 2-3; Shumway 7.0 IP, 5 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 4 K, W (2-4);

Well. Technically, the Howden homer *didn’t* matter…!

The longer the season goes, the more I am convinced that Jarod Howden does not matter to begin with…

Game 2
BOS: CF Acor – LF W. Vega – 1B Uliasz – RF Braun – 2B R. West – C Lessman – 3B Czachor – SS Perkins – P E. Williams
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – RF Rodriguez – 1B Howden – CF Magallanes – C Ross – P Gutierrez

After a few outings in which he didn’t look entirely like horse ****, Rico Gutierrez had his paws full with the Titans that rallied over him for a run in the first on doubles by Dustin Acor and Justin Uliasz, and the Dustin and Justin show continued in the following innings, with Dustin doubling in vain in the second, and Justin reaching on a Howden error to begin the third inning. The latter one ended up scoring following singles by Adam Braun and Rhett West, then finally a David Lessman sac fly hit to mighty deep center on an 0-2 pitch. Ryan Czachor grounded out, and they stranded two more in the fourth inning with Rodriguez catching up (barely) with an Uliasz fly to right. Meanwhile the Coons were doing a splendid job… as long as their main concern was to bring by the end in speedy fashion, and didn’t inhibit proceedings too much with unnecessary offensive ambitions.

Rico even got his bloated ERA back down to five in the sixth inning, which began with a walk issued to Justin Perkins before Williams, staggeringly, swung away and flew out to Rodriguez. Dustin Acor popped out, getting Rico’s ERA to a nearly amazing 4.99 on the season! However, when Willie Vega singled on his 107th pitch, that was also the end of the day for him, eight hits and three walks deep into a near-clobbering, and that could still come about if Anaya woudn’t be cautious with Uliasz, a .236 batter with 11 homers. Anaya promptly gave up an RBI double, 3-0, in a 1-2 count, ruining Rico’s 4.xx ERA, and Rodriguez defused a hard Braun drive to end the inning before it could score two more. The Coons continued to do NOTHING. The Titans did little, but tacked on a run in the ninth inning against Ricky Ohl, who allowed another double to Uliasz, a single to Braun, and then the Critters couldn’t end it with a double play on West’s grounder to Stalker, and the run scored as West was called safe at first. We got to face Jermaine Campbell anyway in the bottom 9th, and to anybody’s surprise actually scratched out a run on a Jamieson double and a well-placed pinch-hit single by Jimmy Wallace. That was all for the game though; the fifth contest this week in which neither team managed to score even a handful. 4-1 Titans. Jamieson 2-4, 2B; Wallace (PH) 1-1, RBI; Sanchez (PH) 1-1; Martinez 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 2 BB, 0 K;

Oh boy, I sure say “oh boy” a lot these days…

Sunday would indeed bring Gannon over Wingo, so no second southpaw to fail against. It also brought Nick Valdes (thankfully alone!), who had a few redecorating ideas and had proofs of concept for advertisement on the field for one company or another. When I asked why the heck we’d paint the grass purple and yellow for some fast food temple, he responded that this was not grass, but a digital representation of grass on a new playing surface where huge screens under a clear glass floor would display various messages and ads to fans and people watching the broadcast between innings, or, well, show grass during the annoying times of the game, you know, where there was actually a game going on.

Yeah, Nick, I see the dollar signs in your eyes alright, but won’t that hurt like a lot if players dive for a ball? – Oh, I see, they’d have to stop doing that.

Game 3
BOS: CF Acor – LF W. Vega – 1B Uliasz – RF Braun – 2B R. West – C Lessman – 3B Czachor – SS Perkins – P Gannon
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Jamieson – 3B Hereford – RF Wallace – C Tovias – 1B Howden – CF Catella – P Gurney

This time the Coons scored first, and in the first. Ramos was narrowly retired on a bang-bang play, but then a Stalker single and walks issued to Jamieson and Wallace filled the bags for Tovias, who poked a 1-2 pitch up the middle and past Rhett West into centerfield, plating two runs. Howden ended the inning with a lame groundout. The following inning Gannon lost Sean Catella to a leadoff walk. Gurney bunted the runner to second, and Ramos drove him in with a single up the rightfield line that stayed away from Adam Braun for long enough to allow Catella around, which was good news given that Stalker pounced on the opportunity of another inning-ending double play, keeping the score a civil 3-0 after two.

While the third inning saw Hereford thrown out at home plate after being sent from second on a bloop single by Tovias to left-center, the Titans also played fast and loose with their playoff chances. Willie Vega grounded out to begin the fourth, negligently poking at a 3-0 pitch. That cost them at least one run in the inning given how Braun doubled with two outs and Vega could at least have scored on Rhett West’s following grounder near the second base bag, which would then have occurred with one man down. The fifth inning then saw Gurney cook up a mess all his own. A 1-out walk to Czachor was already unfortunate, but then he also threw a wild pitch in falling from 0-2 to 3-2 against Justin Perkins, who proceeded to pop out to Stalker. Gannon singled (…!) to right, but apparenty Czachor had forgotten how many outs there were (two) because he didn’t go on contact, and hung around until the ball was ready to drop well in front of Jimmy Wallace. That kept him at third base for good once Dustin Acor flew out to Catella.

Like Rico, Gurney cleared a major hurdle in terms of ERA in the game, stringing up 5.1 innings of shutout ball to get his ERA into the 2 range, 2.99 precisely. It didn’t stay there, though, thanks to more shoddy pitching not appropriate for a hurler chasing a 2.xx ERA. Uliasz singled, Braun doubled, and there were Titans in scoring position with one down. Rhett West dropped a roller in front of home plate that Tovias played for the second out, and the runners were waiting on Lessman, who fell to two strikes again and then STILL had the audacity to come through with a 2-run single to right on 1-2, cutting the lead to 3-2. Czachor flew out. Rich Hereford then went on to hit a leadoff jack in the bottom 6th. It was the third homer for Hereford on the week (and still no team wanted a piece of him for a playoff push), and also the third homer that made it a 4-2 game, though this time the Coons were ahead for a change… Gurney would last eight innings without blowing the lead into the afternoon sky, and Mike Baker retired the Coons’ meat of the order with little fuss in the bottom 8th, bringing about Chris Wise for an actual save chance, which he gave a good run to blow. Leadoff walk to Lessman, then after a Czachor strikeout a single conceded to Perkins. Manny Ramirez appeared as pinch-hitter (Reichardt had already been used the last time through the #9 hole), grounded to second base, Ramos hustling and whooping the ball to Stalker, turn and throw to first – out! Ballgame! 4-2 Coons! Hereford 2-4, HR, RBI; Tovias 2-3, 2 RBI; Gurney 8.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 2 BB, 3 K, W (9-6);

In other news

August 18 – While the Titans smother the Rebels, 14-0, BOS SP Dustin Wingo (12-8, 2.75 ERA) records a 2-hit shutout, whiffing eight.
August 19 – SFB INF Dave Myers (.320, 3 HR, 40 RBI) figures to miss five to six weeks with elbow tendinitis.
August 21 – SAL SP Phil Harrington (13-3, 1.67 ERA) and four relievers fire a combined 1-hitter for a 4-1 win at the Warriors, who only manage to make one drop in on a fourth-inning single by OF/1B Kevin Parks (.286, 2 HR, 11 RBI).
August 22 – NYC LF/RF Jeremy Houghtaling (.327, 11 HR, 41 RBI) goes 4-for-4 with 4 RBI in a 12-4 mauling of the Indians, and misses the cycle by the triple.
August 23 – Scorpions and Pacifics play two, sort of, with the Scorpions walking off on L.A. in the 18th inning, 2-1 on four singles after both teams combined for only five hits in the prior 8 1/2 innings of overtime.
August 23 – VAN 3B Matt Anton (.227, 7 HR, 49 RBI) could be out until the middle of September with elbow tendinitis.

Complaints and stuff

Yup, six games this week, and no team managed to score even five in any single contest. In fact, the winning team scored exactly four runs in five of the games, except Tuesday’s affair. The losing side never managed more than two. The Raccoons have only been involved in six games in which the losing side scored more than two all month, and only once did the losing side score five, that was in our 6-5 win to end the series in Oklahoma.

Berto went 0-for-3 on the basepaths this week and was doubled up by Tim Stalker a whole lot more outside of that. He does however hold a stake in the batting title race. With his current .323 clip he sits second behind Atlanta’s Roy Pincus, who currently has a frozen, because DL’ed, .336 mark on the leaderboard.

One more week until rosters expand… IF we can find personnel buried under the detritus that are the Alley Cats. We will see the Elks here, and the Aces in the desert.

This week Dan Delgadillo was on waivers by the Indians, who had seen him toss to a 1-1 record and 5.59 ERA in garbage time relief this season. He had walked SEVEN batters per nine innings, as a right-hander to boot! Five years removed from a splendid 12-7, 2.76 ERA campaign with the ’26 Coons and the first of two rings, Yusneldan’s career looked over and done. And he was not even 29 years old yet… at least, per his alleged birthday of November 1, 2002, which nobody has ever really taken for true value… everybody’s best guess always was that he was three years older than that…

Chris Baldwin was sent for a rehab assignment in St. Pete this week. Not that we need him. I think 2005 Ugliest Baby Boy Sam Cass and German Sanchez and the assorted other four-pawed failures do cover Baldwin’s specialty, batting .200 with absolutely no impact, rather well.

I got the first hint of things to come this week when Nick Valdes casually dropped that the budget would be slashed for ’32 during a phone call. Looks like Juan Magallanes will be a career Critter. And where else but Portland should he play? Who else should employ him? Where would a Colombian kid that attended a Jewish high school in Brooklyn and who is a regional Dance Dance Revolution champ turn to other than this ramshackle franchise in Portland? Where would he stick but with the team that hung onto for almost a decade to a Brazilian shortstop with no samba, or with the team that consisted mostly of Australians in the late 1990s, not that that gave them any success…

Speaking of Australians, our head scout, who’s name I totally know, really, honestly, dug up a 16-year-old kid in New South Wales this week. He goes by Sebastian Waddingham, which is in the Bradley Heathershaw category of winners’ names, and our scout found him during a youth cricket game, where he refused to hit the ball on the ground with his weird paddle, but consistently aimed for the boundary shot. Yeah, he, too, will be a star, surely.

Cristiano, what is a boundary shot? – Cristiano, are you blushing? – Now he wheeled out, squeaking. *Him*, not the wheels! Everybody’s weird again today. (looks over to Valdes and Chad in full costume, having high tea on the table) Sometimes I wonder how normal franchises are run.

Fun Fact: 49 years ago today, Carlos León hit for his second of two cycles in the 1982 season in his Wolves’ 8-4 win over the Stars.

León became a Raccoon later, of course, but never worked out as we hoped for. León remains one of only three players with multiple cycles to their name, the others being the recently regurgitated Bruce Boyle, and Ricardo Garcia, who hit for two cycles for the Aces in the late 2000s, but also retired at 31 because of torn back muscles.

Sic transit gloria mundi.