Orlando City (58-78, .426, 6th NL West) @ Los Angeles Kings (76-59, .563, 2nd NL West)
As a Los Angeles based club, and regardless of how good you are, attendance is always an issue – and, when you mix poor form with a visiting club whose own form tops out at dreadful you need a hook. A promotion – something to get the fans off their couch and down to the park. After an August that saw us go 13-14 and mired in a 2-2 start to September, we recognize the need to turn our attention to the business of baseball. After winning two straight World Series titles we raised our average ticket price by 5.6%... at the time it seemed like a reasonable request of our fans – they should be more than willing to spend a few extra of their hard-earned bucks to see the greatest show on earth. Turns out, that our crackerjack marketing department, like so many other marketing departments, was wrong as evidenced by the 5.6% drop in attendance, 4% drop in season ticket sales, and 2% decline in revenue. So, as my assistant, Yan likes to say, if you give them a free manicure, they will come… or something like that, I’m not really sure – I was only half listening and she was talking to someone on the phone when she said it. So, my whip-smart marketing crew, who ignored my idea to offer free Los Angles Kings halter-tops to the first 15-thousand female fans, will offer the following promotions over the next 3 nights:
- 9/5/2078: Team-Logo Tighty Whities will be given out to the first 25K fans.
- 9/6/2018: Free Feed Me Otto Bobblehead dolls to the first 10K fans. This one is kind of neat, if you lift up the head you can fill the doll with water to reveal a physique more in line with that of an actual baseball player.
- 9/7/2048: Free Wasabi Pea snack-packs to the first 20K fans. I mean, besides heartburn, what could go wrong with this one?
So, if you are willing to shuffle on down to the ballpark to see our suspect ballclub take on one of the worst teams in baseball then you are in for a treat! Free swag, poorly played baseball, and overpriced beer – what else could you want?
136 of 162: Mirko Samsonenko (5-8, 5.76) @ Newton Weiser (15-9, 3.82)
Win, 8-4. Let it be known that Newton Weiser is a boxer-brief man – but, that didn’t stop him from putting in 7 solid innings of work with 8 K’s and 4 runs earned in this one, Dick McTaggart went 3 for 4 with a double and an RBI, and the sight of 25K screaming fans losing their minds in unison while wearing their brand new team-themed tighty whitey’s on their head like skull caps when OH HONG hit the 2-run homer in the bottom of the 8th that would put us up for good, will go down in the annuals of LA Kings folklore after this one…. It’s a sight that you just can’t un-see and, well, why would you want to? Barbaccia secured his 39th save of the season as tighty whiteys rained down from the cheap seats, we hit a team cycle (Rajkumar & Dick with the two-bagger, Dom with the triplet, and OH HONG with the ding-dong), and Dom let another ball get past his leaky glove.
Elsewhere: Palmer Parker, after announcing that his next foray into the world of popular music would be a country album, went 4 for 6 with a double, a homer, 4 RBIs, and 3 runs in Philadelphia’s 13-5 win over the Minnesota North Stars… Hamza McDonnell went 4 for 5 with a two-bagger, a jack, 4 ribbies, and 2 runs in Toronto’s 17-1 dismantling of the Seattle Sounders… SS Ray Gerhold, of the universally despised Phoenix Suns, saw his 20-game hitting streak end against the Pittsburgh Steelers… the Suns won anyway, by a score of 4-1… SP Young-Wong Kang, our your
CITY OF COMPTON RAIDERS, picked up his 1st career victory in a 4-1 win over the Austin Grackles – Kang, who was recently signed by Megan, went 6.1 innings and struck out 7 for the game… I don’t really have high hopes for Kang, but, if for nothing else, the young Seoul-born Korean will be fun to have around if his reputation as the ‘life of the party’ holds water… I do love me some shenanigans.
137 of 162: KJ Judd (3-8, 5.14) @ Jonny Garcia (8-8, 3.43)
Win, 1-0. A complete game, 3-hit, shutout from Jonny and a bottom of the 4th solo-HR from Rajkumar was all we would need to bring this one home – a real snoozefest for our fans, many of whom busied themselves by filling out their Otto bobbleheads to a physique that reminded them of the good ol’ days before he went weird and got himself injured… Also, McTaggart stole a base, and a local sleep doctor, Dr. Benjamin Nottingburg, announced that he will use the video of this contest as a sleep aid for all of his future patients. After we’ve collected a nominal licensing fee, of course.
138 of 162: Cliff Slavinski (9-12, 3.11) @ Aiden Jensen (12-10, 3.76)
Loss, 5-2. Aiden couldn’t quite navigate the 6th and gave up 5 earned for his efforts and Nolan Steffan went 3 for 3 with a run-scoring double in the losing effort – Rajkumar hit his 38th double, Ethan went 2 for 5 and scored, Dick McTaggart hit a SAC FLY, Mullens got caught with his hand in the honey pot for the 13th time this year, and the sight of 20K fans raining down wasabi peas to put action behind their displeasure (what is that? like 2,000,000 individual wasabi flavored peas?) is truly a sight to behold – like some kind of radioactive hail storm signifying the end of our reign as world series champions.
Elsewhere: Tom Franzone has hit his 50th HR and I don’t really want to talk about it… that it came against Phoenix is fun, but still… RF Neil Jahraus, of the New York Jets, went 4 for 5 with THREE HOMERS, 6 RBIs, and 3 runs in his clubs 13-3 win over the Portland Timbers… and SP Adam White, of the San Francisco Seals, completed the 2nd no-no in the Major Leagues in 2078… 9 IP, 0 H, 0 ER, 5 BB, 8 K, and the W… Seals won 1-0 over the Brooklyn Citizens… So, Mr. White can now add a place in the annuals of time with his name etched into it to go along with his $29.1M in career earnings – not bad, not bad at all… And, lastly, we are now 6 games behind the Suns in the NL West, and, despite our marketing teams best efforts, only averaged 33K fans per game for the set, which, after adjusting for day of the week, is about 10% below our normal gate – so, when you think about the price of the tchotchkes and the overtime we paid our custodial staff in clean up the whole thing was a bust.
