[Westheim]

Raccoons (0-0) vs. Canadiens (0-0) – April 3-5, 2034

Nothing quite like starting the year with an intense stench laying itself onto the ballpark. The Elks were in for three games, and we really didn’t want that early-season stumble that we had last year *now*. We had beaten them 12 times in ’33 – better keep up that good form!

Projected matchups:
Gilberto Rendon (0-0) vs. Steve Corcoran (0-0)
Bernie Chavez (0-0) vs. Fernando Nora (0-0)
Raffaello Sabre (0-0) vs. Geoff Swayze (0-0)

We would start the year with two southpaws in the first set; only Nora was a right-hander.

Game 1
VAN: 3B D.J. Robinson – 1B Mezzanotte – LF LeJeune – C Ross – RF Korecky – 2B Morrow – SS L. Hernandez – CF Creech – P Corcoran
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF Reichardt – 3B Zeltser – RF Salgado – C Thompson – P Rendon

Rendon got swatted for a run before he registered an out, which was such a great way to start a season against the damn Elks. D.J. Robinson walked, scored on a Dusty Mezzanotte debut double, and Jesse LeJeune dropped in a shallow single before Rendon found an actual working pitch and rung up Toby Ross and Will Korecky. Eric Morrow fouled out, stranding Elks on the corners. Rendon also issued a leadoff walk to Lazaro Hernandez in the second, but kept his crap together after that and actually logged a few outs. Meanwhile, the Raccoons reached once the first time through, and that was Tim Stalker getting hit in the bum with a 2-1 pitch. Their first base hit was a 2-out single by Berto in the bottom 3rd, extending a 10-game hitting streak started six months and small change ago. He was left on.

Glue-like offense – right in the zone on day one, I see! – held the Raccoons to one run in six innings and Rendon to a no-decision after expending 103 pitches and whiffing eight through six. Straight 2-out singles by Reichardt, Zeltser, and Salgado had tied the score at one in the bottom 4th, and there we still were in the top of the seventh inning with the Elks starting from the top against David Fernandez, who put LeJeune (walk) and Ross (single) on the corners before yielding to Ed Blair with two outs. Blair stacked the sacks with a free pass to Korecky, but got Morrow to ground out, stranding three. Blair did the eighth, too, which put him in line for the W when the stars finally aligned again for some Furball offense. Tim Stalker hit a 1-out double past LeJeune in the eighth, then scored swiftly on a Jimmy Wallace single… before Wallace was thrown out at second base on a wholly botched hit-and-run call. Chris Wise faced the top of the order in the ninth inning, served up a first-pitch leadoff triple to D.J. Robinson, and that ninth pretty soon looked like the first, only ****ing worse. Mezzanotte doubled – tying the damn Elks’ franchise record for doubles (3) in his ****ing debut – and LeJeune hit an RBI single to flip the score entirely. The 4-5-6 batters stranded him, but the agony was definitely there. And it remained. Jennings struck out against Dusty Kulp in the bottom 9th, and Salgado grounded out harmlessly. Thompson walked, Tom Hawkins singled, but Ramos struck out to end the game. 3-2 Canadiens. Wallace 2-4, RBI; Rendon 6.0 IP, 6 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 8 K;

Thinking about it, I’d rather have another 90 months of offseason…

Game 2
VAN: 3B D.J. Robinson – 1B Mezzanotte – LF LeJeune – C Ross – RF Korecky – 2B Morrow – SS L. Hernandez – CF Creech – P Nora
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – RF Jennings – C Thompson – P Chavez

A drag bunt, a bloop single by the already reviled Mezzanotte, and the damn Elks were in business right in the first. Chavez right away seemed to have absolutely nothing. Ross and Korecky would hit RBI singles to hammer home the point early. It was 4-0 in the second, courtesy of a leadoff homer by Gabe Creech, who had been nailed by Rendon twice – which I was okay with since I couldn’t stand his ****ing face either – and took it out on Bernie. Robinson then ripped another triple and scored on a Mezzanotte single.

The Raccoons would have six base hits in the first three innings against Nora and didn’t score anything. Zitzner hit into a double play with two aboard in the first, Manny Fernandez reached and was left in the second, and they filled the bags in the third before Tim Stalker flew out to Creech in center to strand them all. Portland only got on board in the fourth, in which Billy Jennings drew a walk, stole second, then was plated by Ramos with a 2-out single. Berto also stole his first base of the season, but was left when Bob Zeltser flew out casually. The following inning we had a 45-minute rain delay – remember, rainy season in Portland is from July until June – and that would prove the end of Bernie Chavez, who had thrown 76 pitches, most of them poor, in five innings, getting lit up for eight hits and four quick runs. Nora returned after the rain, but only barely made it to qualifying distance for a win. He was lifted after walking Thompson with one out in the bottom 6th, replaced by Cameron Cherry, a 30-year-old southpaw that had most recently seen ABL action with the Wolves… in *2028*! Was THAT the sort of team you runts of the litter were going to drop to 0-2 against??? SCORE SOME ****ING RUNS!! … Reichardt batting for Prieto and walking sure helped, for it brought up Ramos with the tying run. Berto flew out to Korecky, though, and while Zeltser hit a soft single to load them up, Wallace grounded out to Eric Morrow, leading the Critters to strand their second full set of the game. Instead, the damn, STUPID Elks tacked on a run against Portland in the seventh. Garavito walked Pat Pohl in the #9 hole to begin the inning, and when Robinson failed to lay down a bunt, Garavito threw a wild pitch to advance the runner to second base anyway. Robinson grounded out, but Mezzanotte (screams!!) dropped an RBI single between Ramos and Wallace to get the run home, 5-1.

Bottom 7th, Cherry still hard at work, and maybe there was a reason he hadn’t seen action in six years. Before long, two singles and a walk loaded the bases and brought up Jennings as the tying run, with nobody out to boot. Cherry fell to 3-1 before Jennings inexplicably poked and popped out, with an audible “hh!!!” from the crowd. Even Slappy shook his head. Thompson whiffed. Marsingill batted for Garavito and held the **** still after the count went to 3-0. Cherry walked in a run, and then Ramos bid for a gapper, but LeJeune caught the damn thing on the run, stranding ANOTHER three. Rather the damn Elks scored an unearned run on John Hennessy in the ninth. A Zeltser error was involved, but then there were also three base hits. Of course Mezzanotte, the hideous little rat, got the RBI, his fifth of the series, and career. …and then after all that pain, the damn Critters brought the tying run to the plate once more in the bottom 9th. At that point it would be Ramos with two outs, following on a Jennings double, Thompson RBI single, and a pinch-walk by Hawkins. Ramos grinded Dusty Kulp for nine pitches, including four fouls, the last of them an RBI single up the middle, bringing up the winning run in Bob Zeltser, who grounded out to Morrow. 6-4 Canadiens. Ramos 2-6, 2 RBI; Zeltser 2-6; Wallace 2-5; Zitzner 3-5, 2B; Thompson 2-4, BB, RBI;

(without a word, opens the drop drawer, pulls out a buzzer, places it on the desk, and hits it with full force – a siren goes off, concealed lights all over the room flash red, and across the big window to the playing field a banner reading “PANIC!!” unfurls)

Game 3
VAN: 3B D.J. Robinson – SS L. Hernandez – LF LeJeune – C Ross – RF Korecky – 2B Morrow – 1B Caraballo – CF Pohl – P Swayze
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF Reichardt – 3B Hawkins – RF Salgado – C Scheffer – P Sabre

While Philip Scheffer was the final non-starting pitcher to make his first appearance of the season, Tom Hawkins was on his first lineup assignment, but lasted only into the bottom 2nd, banging his knee on a slide into second base after doubling to right. Justin Marsingill replaced him while the Critters had a chance here with Reichardt on third base and nobody out. Hugo Salgado grounded out to the mound, and Scheffer at least made it a 1-0 game with a sac fly to Pat Pohl in center. Sabre was rung up, but at least had yet to allow an Elk on base. Tomas Caraballo and Pohl promptly hit singles past either side of Tim Stalker to go to the corners in the top 3rd. Swayze bunted Pohl to second, but Robinson bounced out to Zitzner, runners holding, and Hernandez popped out. Good! Glad to have gotten rid of the midnight-shaped death squad in the #2 hole!!

Berto singled and was moved around to score on a Zitzner base knock in the bottom 3rd, making it 2-0, and while Korecky reached against Sabre in the fourth, he was caught stealing. The bottom of the inning saw the Coons’ first homer of the year, and it was the same guy that had landed their first RBI, Hugo Salgado. After Marsingill drew the leadoff walk against Swayze, Salgado ripped a 2-2 pitch over the fence in left-center, putting us up 4-0. Sabre had a knack of getting back into trouble, however, allowing 2-out, 2-strike singles to both Pohl and Swayze (…) in the top 5th before ringing up Robinson to escape. All would be well for Sabre through six, but come the seventh he issued a leadoff walk to Korecky and then served up a blast to Eric Morrow, cutting the 4-0 lead in half. He retired the next three, but with only a 4-2 lead and three left-handers coming up in the top 8th, Sabre was lifted after only 92 pitches. Fernandez and Prieto ending up piecing the eighth inning together and setting up Chris Wise for a chance at making good this time. So he served up a leadoff triple to Will Korecky this time… Morrow scored him with a grounder, and the cushion was gone. Caraballo grounded out, and then Mezzanotte, the skunk, hit for Pohl… but struck out. 4-3 Coons. Stalker 2-4; Hawkins 1-1, 2B; Salgado 2-4, HR, 2 RBI; Sabre 7.0 IP, 7 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 1 BB, 5 K, W (1-0);

Tom Hawkins would be hampered with a bum knee for the rest of the week, but could be used if absolutely necessary. Maybe not for pinch-running…

Raccoons (1-2) vs. Condors (2-2) – April 7-9, 2034

The Condors came off a high-gasoline split with the Aces in which both pitching staffs had suffered plenty of abuse. As a consequence of this and having played four games when most teams had played only three, the Condors led the league in runs scored, something the Coons were not bloody close to… The Condors had beaten us, 5-4, last season.

Projected matchups:
Ignacio del Rio (0-0) vs. Robbie Ciampa (0-0)
Pat Okrasinski (0-0) vs. Mario Rosas (0-1, 7.50 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (0-0, 1.50 ERA) vs. George Griffin (0-0, 5.40 ERA)

Rosas would be the third southpaw of the week. We’ve seen that guy before, if only I knew where and when…

Game 1
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – SS C. Miller – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – C J. Flores – LF Sung – 1B Kramer – 2B Ryu – P Ciampa
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – RF Jennings – C Thompson – P del Rio

Portland got on the board first thanks to a pair of doubles hit by Stalker and Thompson in the second inning, giving them a 1-0 lead. While Chris Murphy and Chris Miller landed base hits to go to the corners with one out in the following inning, Willie Ojeda’s grounder to short cleaned up in 6-4-3 fashion, but that didn’t mean del Rio wouldn’t find some other stupid way to throw the lead away; granted, the handbrake-engaged offense of the early days of the season was no help, directly or indirectly, but Robby Ciampa hitting a 1-out double in the fifth and then moving up on a 2-strike groundout and scoring on a 2-strike balk was extraordinarily nerve-straining. While del Rio hit a 2-out double himself in the bottom of the inning, Ramos couldn’t get the ball past Hiroaki Ryu and the chance was wasted again. Bob Zeltser would open the sixth with a single, his third hit in the game, then advanced on a Wallace groundout. When Zitzner hit a roller near the first base line, Ciampa had to hurry and threw the ball from insecure footing, and while actually falling down. Ken Kramer couldn’t come up with the wayward toss and the Coons got two bases and the go-ahead run, restoring their lead, on the throwing error.

The joy lasted but briefly; Kramer came back with a 1-out homer in the seventh and del Rio walked both PH Ken Hess and Murphy before being yanked with two outs and PH Bobby Fernandez wiggling a stick in place of Chris Miller. Garavito came on, fanned him, and kept the game locked at two, and that score remained true through the middle of the ninth with Garavito and Blair splitting the duties there while the offense still tried to find out which end of the bat was supposed to be up and which side they could put bacon on. Manny Fernandez, Tim Stalker, and Adrian Reichardt (hitting for Blair) amounted to nothing against Ciampa in his ninth inning, and the game went to extras, where the Coons got a quick 10th from Hennessy, but the bottom of the inning only saw Ramos hit a single – but this killed the oh-fer and kept his hitting streak alive, now at 14 games. Come the 11th, Chris Wise tried to blow his third game after Hennessy got rid of Ojeda to begin the inning. He walked the skunk weasel Shane Sanks, almost gave up a bomb to Jose Flores that Hugo Salgado caught at the fence, then dropped Zitzner’s feed on Yeong-ha Sung’s grounder for an error. When Kramer grounded to first, Zitzner handled it himself to end the inning. Ray Andrews’ surrender of a leadoff double in left-center to Jimmy Wallace put the winning run in scoring position in the bottom 11th. Zitzner flew out, Fernandez was walked intentionally, Stalker whiffed, and Marsingill, in the #7 hole after a second double switch, fell to 0-2 before poking and half falling over home plate. The ball went over the middle infielders into shallow center for a single and Wallace had been a-running with two strikes … and he barely scored for the first walkoff of the year. 3-2 Blighters. Zeltser 3-5; Marsingill 1-1, RBI; Salgado 1-2, 2B; Blair 1.2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 2 K;

Man, I’d be up for one of those 5-run first innings now.

Wouldn’t hurt to get it against Rosas either. For the good vibes, you know?

Game 2
TIJ: 1B Zuazo – SS C. Miller – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF B. Fernandez – CF Sung – C J. Wood – 2B Hughes – P Rosas
POR: SS Ramos – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF Reichardt – RF Salgado – 3B Marsingill – C Thompson – P Okrasinski

Shockingly, nothing of the sort happened and the Coons went down in order all the way until Okrasinski became unglued at the seams in the third inning, walking Alvin Suazo, who stole second base, as well as Miller, threw a wild pitch, then nailed Ojeda anyway, all with one out. That brought up the skunk weasel, so I wisely marked down a 4 on my scorecard before the supersized rodent had even scratched out a burrow in the batter’s box. The Condors got two in the end, on a Sanks single no less, with Bobby Fernandez grounding out and Sung flying out to Reichardt in center. But that was bad enough!! Jimmy Wood still made it 3-0 with a homer in the fourth. Zitzner hit a solo jack of his own in the bottom of the inning, but was not even the first Critter to reach base. The first two Raccoons on board had been Okrasinski and Stalker … both nailed by Rosas. Berto had grounded out to end the bottom 3rd, and Wallace had hit into a double play to get rid of the runner in front of Zitzner, again, splendid defense all around, and I had Maud drafting up player contracts for Slappy, Chad, Cristiano, and even ****ing Steve from Accounting at that precise moment…

Okrasinski remained stuck in the morass, walked Sanks in the fifth and threw another wild pitch. Somehow the Condors let him live another inning. Wood hit another bomb in the sixth, though, and Andy Hughes doubled and came around on a wild pitch and a Miller sac fly, zooming the Condors out to 5-1. Hennessy replaced the yanked Okrasinski with two outs and got out of the damn inning. The plunkfest continued with Rosas nicking Wallace to begin the bottom 7th, although that probably wasn’t intentional, just not giving a ****. Zitzner doubled to left, which was his second base hit in the game, and the same was true for the team as an entity. The tying run DID however appear in the on-deck circle for a change… Reichardt swung and missed in a full count, but Salgado looped a ball over Miller’s head for an RBI single, bringing the tying run to the plate in, uh, the pitcher. For a team with vague aspirations we were double-switching in the middle innings way too much!! Tom Hawkins found himself good enough to pinch-hit and socked a ball over Bobby Fernandez for a double, plating a pair, but Rosas eloped by retiring Thompson and Zeltser, keeping the tying run stranded. Thompson also committed a gross throwing error that put Wood on second base to begin the eighth inning, and the kit Prieto couldn’t keep that run from scoring, either. That would not turn out to be the difference… for that the Raccoons would have had to at least reach base in the last two innings… 6-4 Condors. Zitzner 2-4, HR, 2B, RBI; Hawkins (PH) 1-1, 2B, 2 RBI;

To be honest, so far, I don’t like anything they’re doing…

Game 3
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – SS C. Miller – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF B. Fernandez – C J. Flores – 1B Zuazo – 2B Hughes – P Griffin
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – LF Wallace – 1B Zitzner – CF M. Fernandez – 2B Stalker – RF Jennings – C Thompson – P Rendon

Pitcher’s stupidity only got worse in the Sunday game, which had me screaming obscenities by the second inning, as usual. Rendon retired the first five, then allowed a single to Jose Flores. Seamlessly that bled into an RBI triple into the rightfield corner hit by Alvin Zuazo, then a wild pitch in a 1-2 count. Seriously! What the **** is wrong with you lot!? Wild pitches, balks, errors galore! At least they knew how to keep the double play machine whirring – Ramos drew a leadoff walk in the first, and was swiftly polished off by Zeltser’s grounder to short. Jennings drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 3rd and was caught stealing – wonderful!

The skunk weasel hit one outta here to extend the Condors’ lead to 3-0 in the fourth inning, which also saw three more singles to load the bases off the bats of Fernandez, Zuazo, and Hughes. Somehow Griffin didn’t hit a triple, but struck out, and Murphy grounded out to first base to strand all three of the lot. The Raccoons had yet to get a base hit at all; Ramos drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 4th and was caught stealing on a pitch in the dirt, which … whatever! Wallace also walked, the fourth free pass issued by Griffin, but Zitzner grounded out to Hughes to end the inning. With nothing working at all, Rendon allowed straight singles to the 6-7-8 batters to begin the sixth, which cost him another run, and was yanked after Griffin’s bunt moved Zuazo and Hughes into scoring position with one out. Garavito coaxed a comebacker from Murphy and as lucky that Miller lined right into Stalker’s mitten to strand the runners in a 4-0 game in which the Raccoons were by now out-hit eleven-zip. But – oh surprise! – they couldn’t even get no-hit correctly, and Elliott Thompson opened the bottom 6th with a double to right. It didn’t come as a shock that nothing came of the 2-base hit to begin the frame. Reichardt popped out, Ramos whiffed, and Zeltser walked, making way for Wallace’s inning-ending grounder to Hughes’ shoes.

Zitzner tried the leadoff double approach in the bottom 7th, still in a 4-0 game. Fernandez walked, which was the sixth free pass doled out by Griffin and also the last one. Jose Ornelas replaced him, whiffed Stalker, but allowed a single to center against Billy Jennings. Murphy overran the ball, and the error got Portland on the board, 4-1, with runners in scoring position and the tying run at the plate. Thompson hit a comebacker, Philip Scheffer walked in the #9 hole, and then Berto Ramos popped out over home plate to strand another set of three in this week from hell, which continued unabated through a Wallace single, Zitzner walk, and Stalker RBI single off three different pitchers in the bottom 8th. Stalker’s single came with two outs, and also ended the inning when Zitzner was sent around from second base and thrown out at home plate. Somehow they still brought up the tying run in the bottom 9th when Salgado batted for Jennings and legged out an infield single against Steve Gowan, who was immediately replaced with another left-hander in Adam Moran, who struck out Thompson. Hawkins batted for Blair and flew out to left-center where Bobby Fernandez tumbled and rolled, but held on to the ball and didn’t break both legs, either. Ramos was up with two outs, 15-game hitting streak on the line… and struck out. 4-2 Condors. Jennings 1-2, BB, RBI; Salgado (PH) 1-1;

In other news

April 4 – DAL SP Eric Weitz (1-0, 0.00 ERA) spins a 1-hit shutout against the Gold Sox in a 3-0 victory. OF Federico Nuno (.333, 0 HR, 0 RBI) has the sole Denver hit, a second-inning single.
April 4 – The first hit of the season for ATL OF/1B/2B Luis Inoa (.167, 1 HR, 1 RBI) is a walkoff homer off SFB Joe Dishon (0-1, 3.00 ERA) in the 16th inning, ending hours of scorelessness with a 3-2 Knights victory.
April 6 – The rare instance of a game suspended further than the following day occurs in the Scorpions-Wolves contest. Ill weather interrupts proceedings in the seventh inning after the Scorpions had just turned a 3-2 deficit into a 5-3 lead. The game will be picked up on April 28.
April 7 – 39-year-old and superbly salaried TOP LF/RF Pablo Sanchez (.200, 0 HR, 1 RBI) is diagnosed with a severe concussion that could render him out for the rest of the season or even end his career.
April 8 – The Aces score four on the Titans’ pen in the ninth inning to break a 6-2 tie, then collapse to concede five runs in the bottom 9th to allow Boston to walk off, 7-6, on four hits, three of them in the ninth inning, including the walkoff homer by outfielder Mark Walker (.500, 2 HR, 6 RBI).
April 8 – The Loggers crush the Thunder with a 10-run first inning before zooming out to win a 15-2 laugher. The bottom three players in the lineup all drive in three runs: Omar Huerta (.353, 1 HR, 5 RBI), Rodrigo Canas (.222, 0 HR, 3 RBI), and also pitcher Cody Chamberlin (.500, 0 HR, 3 RBI).
April 9 – The Knights rap out 12 hits in a regulation game and still get shutout, stranding 13 runners in a 2-0 loss to the Indians.

Complaints and stuff

Well, that was horrendous. Everybody was horrendous. Sometimes you can measure “horrendous” in many ways, but how about no player penciled into the lineup getting a 2-run hit the entire week? The only guy that did it was Hawkins on Saturday, and that was as pinch-hitter with the bum knee.

Nope, that was a bottomless week, we’re already three games behind Boston, and I don’t know what I had drunk when I proclaimed 90 wins were possible. This team will have a hard time winning 19….

We lost our 4,500th regular season game on Sunday. They also played like there’s a real chance for 4,600 this year…

Fun Fact: After sucking all life out of the Raccoons in the first two games of the season and his career, Dusty Mezzanotte went 2-for-13 against the Bayhawks on the weekend.

I mean, yeah, well, that’s… that’s …

Uff.