Philadelphia 76ers (43-43, .500, 4th NL East) @ Miami United (46-42, .523, 3rd NL East)
We’re 28-18 at home so far in 2079 – that’s been the gift of the 1st half for us. But it’s a gift that we bought for ourselves and the bill is about to come due. Though, not until August & September – so, here we are, living on borrowed time and staring down the barrel of the business end of a gun with a 4-game series against Philadelphia on the other side. The truth of the matter, on paper at least, is that they are, in every conceivable way, a better ballclub than us. They hit better, they field better, and their pitchers have better stuff than ours… but, if the trend holds, none of that matters when we are in Miami. This is where you want to be when you have a date with Palmer Parker and his ragtag group of rude boys – within walking distance of the Twin Palms Bar & Laundromat, on a houseboat with a premium sound system and nonexistent moorage fees, and never far from a well-made Cubano. A man could get used to this – spending Elvira’s settlement on premium talent, trips to Barbados and Cuba under the guise of business and spending your nights in the Carnival Cruise Lines Ballpark playing catch. And, outside of the fact that we have to play a hard-nosed, never-quit ballclub like the 76ers, there’s no place else I’d rather be… except a yacht, just off the coast of Jamaica, with a line in the water while sipping on a Golden Cadillac.
89 of 162: Jimmy Garcia (1-3, 6.93) @ Radoslav Borovsky (6-5, 3.10)
Loss, 3-2. It took 15 innings to sort this one out – a
Justin Jenkins solo-HR was all she wrote for us at the top of that frame. We can take solace in the fact that less than half of the 32K fans who showed up were still in the park to see us unable to answer them back in the bottom of the 15th before we shuffled off the field like a horde of zombies whose aimless pursuit of flesh was replaced with a primal desire to find our beds so we could sleep this one-off. In 53 total at-bats, we could only muster 3 doubles, a SAC BUNT, and 2 runs as a club while leaving twelve of our best and brightest stranded like lost dogs on the Isle of Wight. We’re tired, a bit pissed, and determined to come back tomorrow for more existential punishment. Also,
Palmer Parker went 2 for 5 with a HR tonight. The man is relentless.
Elsewhere: Look, I don’t know how many sidecar’s I had after the game at the Twin Palms Bar & Laundromat last night – it’s not that I lost count, it’s just that it wasn’t a count your drinks kind of night – losing a 15-inning game is an emotionally draining experience. More importantly, I’m not sure how I missed it during our game – maybe I was so dialed into the back and forth that my tunnel vision made it impossible to see – but,
SP Newton Weiser, of the Los Angeles Kings, etched his name into the history books with a NO HITTER and 4-0 win over, you guessed it, LA’s arch-nemesis, and frequent whipping boys, the Phoenix Suns! In addition to not allowing a single hit, Newton handed out 4 free passes and fanned 7 batters. If you’re keeping track, that’s two no-hitters for hurlers associated with my ex-ballclub so far this year. What a scandal. There was a couple of ‘close, but no cigar’ moment in the International League as well…
- Ned Pitt – 9 IP, 1 H, 0 ER, 1 BB, 7 K in Sacramento’s 4-0 win over the Louisville Bats
- Elijah Rees – 9 IP, 2 H, 0 ER, 2 BB, 9 K in Salt Lake’s 4-0 win over the Staten Island Killer Bees
90 of 162: Logan Maldonado (8-4, 3.180 @ Kordell Littles (5-7, 4.88)
Loss, 5-4. Clipped at home again – this time off a late-game, multiple inning rally that saw Philly stay just one, short step ahead of our team. We got three doubles (including
Weaver’s 19th), a triple (courtesy of
Early Felger), and two, 2-out RBIs. It just wasn’t enough – we came out a step too slow at the outset and, while we gave a good chase, just didn’t have the wherewithal to pull even with Philly. I’d like to point to
Parker’s 3 K’s as a moral victory here, but it seems that the fact that they did it without him being his usual self will be the catalyst for another evening spent at the Twin Palms bar & Laundromat imbibing too many cocktails, getting too loose with my tips (those Amazonian, University of Miami Volleyball players deserve my support!), and moving much closer to my inevitable midlife crisis. If someone at the bar offers to sell me a convertible Camaro, you may never see the likes of me again…
91 of 162: Vin Uhlman (7-8, 5.74) @ Thomas Deane (5-6, 4.73)
Loss, 14-2. Allow me to set the scene for you – You’ve risen from your well-deserved slumber refreshed, your mood is bright, the coffee is flowing, it’s got that bite to it that you like… you’re off on the good foot. When you turn the key to your ride she purrs, you get that sweet sound that can only be produced by that good ol’ American muscle. Things are good, traffic is light, you’re seeing green at every intersection and then…
BLAMMO – you get jack-knifed by a semi carrying a full load of black licorice and everlasting gobstoppers… your wheels fly one way, your fastback GTO flips four times, and everywhere you look all you can see is two of the worst candies ever created and the flashing lights of multiple emergency vehicles… that’s what this one felt like.
Cody Keenan was behind the wheel for Philly – 3 for 6, a double, a homer, 5 riblets, and 2 runs – and
Palmer Parker was his co-pilot – 3 for 5, with a double, 3 RBIs, and 2 runs. Meanwhile,
Vin Uhlman is putting you up on the gurney while hurling bad news your way in the form of
sliders,
curveballs, and
change-ups – he’s giving you the business here over 9 innings of sublime work where he only allows 4 hits and 2 runs… it’s a nightmare.
One, Two… Parker’s coming for you, Three, Four… better lock your door…
Elsewhere: After tonight’s gut-wrenchingly thorough shellacking, the proprietor in charge of the Twin Palms bar & Laundromat has informed me that I’ll need to pay my tab and apologize to his waitstaff before he will serve me again… I’m not 100% sure what I did last night but I’m told that it included an episode where I attempted to breakdance on top of a table that I had lit on fire and ended with me asking each server to marry me despite the chorus of boos being rained down upon me by the regulars. I may need to find a new bar. Hell, after tonight, I may need to find a new town. Also,
Tony Voorhis hit a GRAND SLAM for Phoenix in a 6-5 loss against the Los Angeles Kings – that’s a win-win if you ask me.
Other bad news: Tom Franzone is out for 5 weeks with a broken collarbone. That sucks. I hate it when one of our greats goes down for that length of time.
92 of 162: Wilson Pena (4-2, 3.29) @ Lucas Brandt (4-4, 3.33)
Loss, 2-1. Well, it’s safe to say that the good times are killing me… another day, another loss. A 4-game sweep at the hands of the Philadelphia 76ers in our park, in front of our fans, our wives, our mistresses, their cabana boy boy-toys, some other people that showed up for a hot dog and beer, and a smattering of folks who, really, have no idea how they got here. Listen, the details of this one are not important. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we suck, we’re terrible, and our time of faking it until we’ve made it has come to an end by virtue of the fact that we weren’t ever going to make it anyways. It’s all downhill from here folks… do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars.
Elsewhere: Ian Hanan, former King & current member of the Galaxy, went 4 for 4 with a 3-run dinger in LA’s 9-1 win over the Dallas Cowboys. So, that’s cool – it’s nice to see a player that I was, in some small way, associated with have himself a bit of success. Especially when my club is having none of that – now or in the foreseeable future.
Notes: We’re now 6 ½ games off the pace and have dropped to 4th on the NL East table… just in time for the all-star break which I plan to spend drinking myself into a stupor within the friendly confined of my super swanky houseboat… that is if Elvira and her Body Guard haven’t changed the locks on me.