[Westheim]

Word ate my report at the end of the Sunday game, but I think I got most of it restored from an autosave... but then again I am too frightened to read through all of it again before I get some direly needed counseling in... Ah, you'll see!

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(sits at his desk on the highest heap of rubble in the still smoldering ruins of Raccoons Ballpark) This is fine.

(yells over to Cristiano Carmona, who in his wheelchair is trapped on top of a dangerously swaying stack of debris and desperately bickering for help) Will you sh-shshsshhh… SHUDDUP?? (throws empty bottle of booze like a girl, missing by miles)

(Slappy is playing with a soot-stained baseball while sitting on the brown couch atop another stash of broken concrete) There’s a ballplayer! You’re hired!

Interlude: Trade

The Raccoons would have a new player upon arrival in Tijuana, striking a nighttime deal with the Miners for the services of career backup C Kurt Wall (.312, 4 HR, 21 RBI). In exchange, the Miners receive AAA SP Jonathan Dykstra (9-10, 2.98 ERA in St. Pete).

Wall’s arrival brought about the purge of Elliott Thompson, who was banished to St. Petersburg. Jason Gurney was waived and designated for assignment to make room on the 40-man roster.

Raccoons (59-46) @ Condors (60-45) – July 31-August 2, 2034

Playing the Condors after the previous week was more than fitting – who else would pick all the yummy innards from our dead bodies? The Raccoons had blown it, and there was no reason they wouldn’t lose another three to the Condors now. The season series stood at 3-3, but a 5-1 tally against the Knights hadn’t stopped the Critters from crapping the nest there, either. Tijuana was second in runs scored, just as good in runs allowed, and they couldn’t wait for us, eagerly flapping their ruffled wings and clappering with their crooked beaks as the Raccoons crawled into their ballpark.

Projected matchups:
Raffaello Sabre (8-5, 3.83 ERA) vs. George Griffin (7-5, 2.58 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (9-5, 3.40 ERA) vs. Juan Garcia (4-2, 2.87 ERA)
Pat Okrasinski (11-5, 4.25 ERA) vs. Jimmy Driver (9-8, 5.55 ERA)

Right, left, right, like any of that actually mattered…

Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – CF M. Fernandez – C Wall – 1B Zitzner – RF Jennings – P Sabre
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – SS C. Miller – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – C J. Flores – LF Sung – 1B Ryu – 2B Hughes – P Griffin

First time up, newly-baked Coon Kurt Wall found Tim Stalker and Manny Fernandez in scoring position with two outs in a 1-0 game and cracked Griffin’s first pitch through the left side for a 2-run single. And then Zitzner farted for an out, but Wall immediately had his first two Critters RBIs! But the Condors had yet to see Sabre, who very much again pitched like he was in the Titans’ employ rather than ours. He walked Chris Murphy and disgusting skunk weasel Shane Sanks in the first, somehow survived that, but spilled a run following Yeong-ha Sung’s leadoff triple in the bottom 2nd. Hiroaki Ryu grounded out to get the run in, but that was the only one the Condors would get off Sabre … in just five innings, which he needed 112 pitches to cover, and which saw him in the bottom 5th again walk Murphy, the skunk weasel, and for good measure Jose Flores. Sung grounded out to Zitzner to strand all of them.

Prieto and Hennessy handled the sixth without dire accidents, after which Griffin got into a spot of bother in the top of the seventh inning. He issued a leadoff walk to Wall (the very first on Griffin’s ledger), then allowed soft singles to Zitzner and Jennings. A double switch had already placed Adrian Reichardt in the #9 hole, from where he would hit with three aboard and none sat down, then got sat down on strikes. Berto brought home a run with a fielder’s choice, and Zeltser ****tily grounded out to Andy Hughes to strand a pair. Bottom 7th, Chris Miller and Willie Ojeda opened with singles off Hennessy, bringing up the skunk weasel as the tying run with nobody out. Chris Wise assumed pitching duties in another double switch (replacing Zeltser with Hawkins at the hot corner), then immediately made everything worse with a K to Sanks, but a wild pitch and a Flores single that plated the two runners anyway and cut the lead to 4-3. Because that wasn’t enough, he also cocked up a leadoff double that Hughes hit into the corner in the eighth. David Fernandez replaced Wise, who immediately had his Coons cap slapped off by the pitching coach upon entering the dugout, to be replaced by a red-and-yellow hat with a propeller. Fernandez walked Jimmy Wood in the #9 hole, making doom all but certain until the 1-2-3 batters made three unproductive outs DESPITE hitting two flies to leftfield… Amazingly, following Ed Blair’s best Josh Boles impression of retiring the first two batters in the ninth before putting a pair on base, Andy Hughes hit another fly to leftfield that chased Wallace back… and somehow it landed in his glove without striking him in the noggin first, ending the ballgame and the dastardly depressing losing spill. 4-3 Coons. Stalker 2-4, RBI; Jennings 2-3;

Interlude: Trade

In a last-hour, oh-the-clock-is-ticking-so-fast deal, the Raccoons picked up LF/2B/SS Ross Sibley (.271, 5 HR, 39 RBI) from the Aces, hoping for some left-handed impulses from the 26-year-old third-year player. The Aces received a bushel of misfits in AA SP Willie Gallardo, A INF Eddie Lavender, and A 3B Jake Howell. They had been a $270k cheque, a seventh round pick, and a sixth round pick some whiles back.

Chiyosaku Maruyama, no less useless than Zitzner, was sent back to AAA to make room on the 25-man roster. Space on the 40-man was created by designating left-hander Justin LeDuc for assignment.

Raccoons (59-46) @ Condors (60-45) – July 31-August 2, 2034

Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Hawkins – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – RF Salgado – C Wall – 1B Zitzner – CF Reichardt – P del Rio
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – SS C. Miller – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF J. Williams – 1B Kramer – C J. Wood – 2B Hughes – P J. Garcia

For additional wonders, Kurt Wall threw out Chris Murphy trying to steal second base in the opening frame of Tuesday’s encounter – what a marvel this guy was, a true catcher through and through! Three innings later in an up-to-then well-pitched game, Wall drove in the first Critter with a double between Justin Williams and Murphy, plating Jimmy Wallace with one out. Wall himself scored with two outs on del Rio’s double to center following an intentional walk to Reichardt. Ramos walked to fill them up, but Hawkins’ pathetic pop to second base kept three Critters aboard and the score at 2-0. Seeing his loss float away, del Rio immediately reconsidered and issued four ball to the skunk weasel to begin the bottom 4th, but his evil plan was foiled by sharp defense making the plays against the next three batters…

Undeterred, del Rio was at it again in the bottom 5th and successfully blew the lead with five straight base hits surrendered to begin the inning. Hughes singled, Garcia didn’t even fake a bunt, but doubled right away, and Murphy singled home both runners to get the game even at two before advancing to second base on the futile throw to home plate. Murphy himself was axed down on the next throw to home plate on Miller’s single, with Miller also making it to second base as the new go-ahead run. Ojeda singled and stole second, but Sanks popped out to shallow center and Williams rolled out to Zitzner to strand runners at second and third in the 2-2 affair. In a clear onset of schizophrenia, del Rio then singled home the go-ahead run again in the sixth, plating Manny Fernandez from second base – Fernandez had been inserted as pinch-runner after Reichardt had doubled and then turned around with a bum knee.

Del Rio was allowed to continue to fudge on until he put runners on the corners with back-to-back 2-out singles by Ojeda and the skunk weasel in the bottom 7th. With the left-handed hitter Williams up, the Coons sent Garavito, but Tijuana went to Hiroaki Ryu to pinch-hit from the right side, but the plot failed when Ryu flew out to Hugo Salgado. Instead the lead went bust in the eighth, with Garavito walking Ken Kramer on four pitches to begin the inning, a feat previously achieved by del Rio in the sixth. This time the Coons wouldn’t keep him on the bases, which were full after Nick Bates came on and allowed a double to Wood and walked Alfredo Quintana. Sung whiffed and Murphy grounded to short… but the Coons only got one, not two, and Kramer scored to even up things at three. Miller lined out to Tom Hawkins to end the inning. Ken Kramer was not done with reaching base leading off an inning, though – he did so again in the 10th against Hennessy. He didn’t stop at first base that time, though, nor at second or third, and by the time he had circled the bases to conclude the game, the ball he had smashed off Hennessy still hadn’t landed in the Pacific. 4-3 Condors. Stalker 2-5, 2B; Wallace 2-5, 2B; Reichardt 1-2, BB, 2B;

Ross Sibley made his Raccoons debut as a pinch-hitter in the ninth inning, flying out to Miller in another sad 1-2-3-get-back-to-fielding.

Adrian Reichardt was expected to miss a few days with the sore knee. Oh, Adrian, that’s too bad. I wonder what effect this will have on your vesting option…!

Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – RF Jennings – LF Wallace – CF M. Fernandez – 1B Zitzner – 2B Sibley – C Scheffer – P Okrasinski
TIJ: CF C. Murphy – SS C. Miller – RF Willie Ojeda – 3B Sanks – LF J. Williams – C J. Flores – 1B Kramer – 2B Hughes – P Driver

While Jimmy Driver ran three 3-ball counts in the first inning without getting punished in any way, Chris Murphy simply blasted a homer to begin the Condors’ day at the plate. Okrasinksi continued to get shackled with rocket singles by Miller and Ojeda, then a walk drawn by the skunk weasel, three on, no outs. Then Williams flailed out, Flores popped out on a 3-1 pitch, and Kramer’s fly to right was caught by Jennings, and the score remained 1-0…

Offense worth counting only came about on the Coons’ second base hit of the rubber game, with one out in the fourth. Wallace had reached on a Hughes error, bringing up Manny Fernandez, who got a fat one to mash and mashed it fat – 440 feet to right-center, a score-flipper indeed! The smirks were wiped off almost immediately, though, with Okrasinski fooling nobody and allowing a long double to Kramer in the bottom of the inning. Hughes walked, but Driver’s bunt was bad and allowed Okrasinski to get the lead runner for the second out. Murphy doubled up the line to tie the game, but in a bold move Driver was sent from first base – and easily thrown out by Billy Jennings to close the fourth, now in a 2-2 tie. That didn’t the Condors stop from waffling Okrasinksi for another three hits and the go-ahead run in the fifth though…

After Jimmy Wallace tied the game with a homer in the sixth (two in one game?? which team is this??), the game became a bit about putting a runner at second base and leaving him there indefinitely; both teams were guilty of that through the eighth. The ninth broke with Ray Andrews, the righty closer with a 1.56 ERA, pitching for Tijuana, and Zitzner’s spot up. 0-3 on the day, no thanks. Bring Kurt Wall to pinch-hit! He struck out real fast, and the Critters didn’t get the run out of the infield, but neither did the Condors score against Garavito and Bates in the ninth. This game, too, went to extras, and this game, too, ended on a home run. With Murphy on third base and two outs, and on an 0-2 pitch, the ****ing disgusting skunk weasel hit it off the stupendous Chris Wise in the 11th… 5-3 Condors. M. Fernandez 3-5, HR, 2 RBI; Garavito 1.2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

Raccoons (60-48) vs. Loggers (42-66) – August 3-6, 2034

Other than in my dreams, Raccoons Ballpark still stood, but for how much longer? The Loggers were in for four, and even the Loggers could give this dismal team some real trouble. They were ninth in runs scored, tenth in runs allowed, and we led the season series 4-3, but I had by now learned to not underestimate The Suck this team was capable of. The entirety of July had been 31 of days of The Suck.

Projected matchups:
Gilberto Rendon (7-5, 4.55 ERA) vs. Cody Chamberlin (2-2, 4.02 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (10-3, 2.51 ERA) vs. William Stockwell (0-4, 5.12 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (9-5, 3.75 ERA) vs. Alfredo Casique (11-9, 4.56 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (9-5, 3.37 ERA) vs. Paul Metzler (6-10, 4.11 ERA)

The 28-year-old sophomore Stockwell would be the only southpaw to encounter in this set, and Chamberlin was listed as day-to-day with a hamstring thing, but would apparently take his start. With Danny Valenzuela, Steve Wilson, and Jeremy Leftwich the Loggers also had a bunch of what they considered major league-worthy batters on the DL.

Game 1
MIL: SS Lockert – RF Wheeler – LF D.J. Mendez – 3B Conner – 2B McWhirter – 1B O. Huerta – C Canas – CF Prestwood – P Chamberlin
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – 1B Hawkins – LF Wallace – CF M Fernandez – 2B Stalker – C Wall – RF Jennings – P Rendon

Two walks and a Mike Wheeler single put the Loggers up 1-0 in the third inning, just as I had imagined it. Portland scattered four hits and two walks in the first four innings without scoring, then made two quick outs against the ailing Chamberlin in the bottom 5th before, of all people, Rendon singled to left. Berto walked, Zeltser dropped a single, and Hawkins could resist the urge to pop out just long enough to coax a bases-loaded walk, tying the score. Jimmy Wallace did not resist the urge and grounded out on the first pitch. Rendon pitched seven innings while allowing as many base runners, but it was not enough for a W, with the Raccoons remaining wholly inept through seven against Chamberlin, who was STILL around against the bottom of the order in the bottom of the ninth inning, with Prieto and Blair having held the fort for the home team. When Kurt Wall singled to left, the winning run was on base and immediately replaced with Hugo Salgado to pinch-run. Not that Salgado reached second base until after Jennings and Sibley had flown out to Mike Wheeler, and Ramos had drawn a 2-out walk. Ying-hua Ou replaced Chamberlin at that point and got Zeltser to ground out to second base. That made it three extra-inning games in three days, and also once more an empty bench once Scheffer filled in behind the plate. Bottom 10th, leadoff single by Hawkins, double play grounder by Wallace, screaming by me, and then a Manny Fernandez double. That brought up Blair in the #6 hole. The Raccoons tried to be smarter than they would get credit for in the Agitator and sent Raffaello Sabre to pinch-hit; the right-hander had a .349 clip on the season and anything was better than the closer batting and taking one to the eye. Sabre struck out, Josh Conner homered off David Fernandez in the 11th, and the Coons began the bottom of the inning with Salgado singling. Sibley walked, Ramos singled, and the tying and winning runs were in scoring position with one out for Zeltser, who hit a grounder at Maxime Garnier manning first base – and firing home to kill off Salgado. The bags remained loaded with two outs for Hawkins, and the game ended with him … and a single up the middle. Sibley scored, Ramos scored, ballgame! 3-2 Blighters! Zeltser 2-6, 2B; Hawkins 2-4, 2 BB, 3 RBI; M. Fernandez 2-5, 2B; Wall 2-4; Salgado 1-1; Rendon 7.0 IP, 3 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 4 BB, 8 K and 1-2; Blair 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

A kingdom for a calm and comfy 6-0 win…

Game 2
MIL: SS Lockert – RF Wheeler – LF D.J. Mendez – 2B McWhirter – 1B O. Huerta – C Canas – 3B Garnier – CF Prestwood – P Stockwell
POR: SS Zeltser – 3B Hawkins – 2B Stalker – CF Reichardt – LF M. Fernandez – C Wall – RF Salgado – 1B Zitzner – P Chavez

Infield single, hit batter, error by the second baseman – three batters into the game the Loggers had three men on and nobody out. Bill McWhirter popped out but Omar Huerta singled in two runs to put the Loggers on top right away and render all my hopes and dreams dashed once more. Henceforth I looked as gloomy as the weather. The only meaningful Coons offense early on was Travis Zitzner’s solo home run in the bottom 3rd – yes, you heard that right. But even the recently installed home run tubas didn’t play for several seconds after the ball landed in the stands, because how could you be ready for that with Zitzner at the plate…? Neither team managed to get more than four hits through six innings… and neither team got another hit afterwards. The seventh was interrupted with Garnier at the plate, leading off, when the rain became too bad to continue playing. It never subsided – the Loggers were eventually awarded a rain-shortened win. More salt in the wounds… 2-1 Loggers. Hawkins 2-3; Zitzner 1-2, HR, RBI;

Even the weather hates us.

I hate everything.

Game 3
MIL: SS Lockert – RF Wheeler – LF D.J. Mendez – 3B Conner – 1B O. Huerta – C Canas – 2B Yoshioka – CF Prestwood – P Casique
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – 1B Hawkins – LF Wallace – CF M Fernandez – 2B Sibley – RF Jennings – C Scheffer – P Sabre

Saturday brought more of the same; icky clouds, no hitting, and me hating on my own team. The Loggers were expected to be pathetic, but the Raccoons were getting worse and worse every day. They amounted to a pair of 2-out singles by Ramos and Zeltser in the third inning and nothing more through five, with the Loggers getting three hits off Sabre, including a pair of 2-out singles of their own in the fifth. Rodrigo Canas and Kenta Yoshioka were then stranded when Tyler Prestwood struck out. They got Wheeler on with a drag bunt single in the sixth, but that was it again, and by then they had also lost Casique to injury – not that this was implying that seeing the pen would help the Critters. There was no helping those Critters anymore…

The impossible happened in the bottom 6th when the Raccoons broke the ice. Zeltser hit a leadoff single to left, advanced on a grounder, and was doubled home by Jimmy Wallace. Fernandez and Sibley then immediately made poor outs lest we develop a taste for scoring here. Sibley continued to make no friends when he dropped Josh Conner’s pop to begin the top 7th, and while Huerta washed up everybody in a double play, I was mad with anger already and tried to get the Aces to reverse the trade. Canas singled up the middle, but Yoshioka flew out to center, leisurely. Come the eighth, Wallace ran less leisurely after a fly hit by PH Maxime Garnier, and in vain, too, for that ball was outta here and the game tied at one. Sabre completed nine innings on 100 pitches, then had to wish upon a star that a run may fall from its tail, because the guys with striped tails on the field couldn’t possibly score one off Ying-hua Ou in the bottom 9th. Wallace singled, Fernandez hit into a double play, and Sibley flew out to right. Extra innings, part four on the week.

After a harmless 10th the 11th looked just as mellow until Tom Hawkins reached with two outs on a Conner error. Wallace singled to right, sending the winning run all the way to third base against righty Alex Banderas. Fernandez grounded up the middle, and Yoshioka made the play, extending the game to the 12th, where Chris Wise – in his second inning of work – led off by nailing Omar Huerta, then served up a bomb to Canas. Hennessy replaced him and got out of the inning, but who the **** was supposed to make up not one, but TWO runs in the bottom 12th? Right-hander Rafael Zacarias would see the 6-7-8 batters. Salgado hit for Sibley and fouled out. Jennings was out on a comebacker. Stalker batted for Scheffer … and grounded out to Yoshioka. 3-1 Loggers. Zeltser 2-5; Wallace 3-5, 2B, RBI; Sabre 9.0 IP, 6 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 0 BB, 5 K;

Cristiano, I think I had a stroke. I can’t move. – Cristiano? – Cristiano?

Game 4
MIL: SS Lockert – C Canas – LF S. Wilson – 3B Conner – 2B McWhirter – 1B O. Huerta – RF D.J. Mendez – CF Prestwood – P Metzler
POR: SS Ramos – 3B Zeltser – 2B Stalker – LF Wallace – C Wall – CF M. Fernandez – 1B Zitzner – RF Jennings – P del Rio

Fresh off the DL, Steve Wilson singled home Lockert from third base where he had made it via walk, stolen base, and a throwing error by Wall. Josh Conner’s double and Omar Huerta’s single brought in two more runs to bury the Raccoons several games’ worth of runs deep, 3-0. Ramos singled and was picked off first before Zeltser singled in the bottom 1st, and Stalker and Wallace made anemic outs, the only sort of out this team had in them. Five straight 2-out singles in the third inning then tore del Rio’s stupid *** wide open, plating another three runs before their pitcher regrettably swung over a pathetic ball in the dirt for strike three. Del Rio was left in for five innings because why would we bother other pitchers with his own stew on the scoreboard? During those five innings the Raccoons dropped in seven hits in the most unhelpful fashion, scoring only one run on a Stalker double that plated Hugo Salgado in the bottom 5th. It was already the seventh (and another Josh Conner homer off Hennessy was on the board) when Wallace doubled home Ramos and Zeltser to get the deficit reduced to 7-3. The following inning, with two outs, Sibley walked in the #8 hole and Salgado doubled, bringing up Ramos with a chance to make it clo– and new pitcher Mike Cockcroft whiffed him. Tantalizingly, the Coons would get runners on the corners via 1-out singles by Stalker and Wallace in the bottom 9th, knocking out Cockcroft in favor of right-hander Sergio Piedra and his 4.84 ERA. Reichardt batted for Wall and struck out. Manny Fernandez chopped a ball past McWhirter for an RBI single, bringing up the tying run in… Zitzner. He chased the high heat to end the game. 7-4 Loggers. Ramos 2-4, BB; Zeltser 2-5; Stalker 3-5, 2B, RBI; Wallace 3-5, 2B, 2 RBI; Salgado (PH) 2-3;

In other news

July 31 – BOS LF/RF Ivan Vega (.311, 5 HR, 28 RBI) drives in five runs on three hits in the Titans’ 16-0 smothering of the Aces. Eight of the nine Titans in the starting lineup land multi-hit games.
August 1 – IND SP Sal Bedoya (9-8, 2.97 ERA) 3-hits the Knights in a 5-0 Indians shutout.
August 4 – LVA LF/RF Graciano Salto (.264, 10 HR, 48 RBI) enters the record books with a cycle in a 9-5 win over the Thunder. Salto does the four required hits and nothing more, and drives in four runs. Salto’s cycle is the fifth in Aces history and comes only 13 days after teammate Nick Danieley’s no-hitter against the Canadiens.
August 4 – Pittsburgh’s SP Julio Palomo (8-12, 4.85 ERA) spins a 2-hit shutout in a 4-0 Miners win over the Buffaloes.
August 5 – ATL SS Keith Thomson (.292, 6 HR, 49 RBI) wins the Knights’ 1-0 game over the Condors with a solo home run.
August 6 – IND CF/LF John Baron (.288, 11 HR, 42 RBI) is lost for the season after suffering a concussion.

Complaints and stuff

What is worse than watching THIS team seven days a week? Watching them play extra innings FOUR times in the same week.

The Raccoons fired hitting coach Zhi-peng Chin on Sunday. The Taiwanese impostor had been in his third season with the team.

Our next franchise catcher Tony Morales, batting .237 in AAA, is on the shelf for two weeks owing to having taken a knock on the knee. Never mind that we once thought Elliott Thompson as the franchise catcher and look where he’s now.

When I look at Gilberto Rendon’s contract (two more years at $2.92M each) I very much feel like we took our “RG” problem and turned it rather seamlessly into a “GR” problem. Cristiano threw in a snippy-sounding “GG”, which I’m not sure what it even means, but I don’t like his tone and I will now… (starts to pull a strip of silver tape from a fresh roll) …tape his snout shut. That will teach him!

Fun Fact: The Care Bears are having a rerun on Channel 29!

(watches fascinated how everything turns out well in Care Bear Land with, on either side, Slappy and Chad, wearing the mascot head, all three grabbing from the same bowl of popcorn)

(popcorn repeatedly falls out of the mascot head’s immobile mouth)