So far, taxes are still considered important enough to send me to work later (although I usually don't work on Wednesday mornings). Word is that a national lockdown is coming though...
Besides, who could possibly stomach these sulky Critters day in, day out? 
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Raccoons (30-37) @ Loggers (32-37) – June 18-20, 2035
The Loggers were fifth in runs scored, but third from the bottom in runs allowed. Another weak pitching staff that we could look excessively bad against – yaaayyy! The season series was tied at three. You had to watch for their runners, because they led the league in stolen bases (taking almost one per game), while homers and hitting for average weren’t their thing. They were in the bottom three in both of those categories.
Projected matchups:
Darren Brown (2-1, 2.56 ERA) vs. Vinny Olguin (7-4, 3.42 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (5-5, 3.62 ERA) vs. Pau Metzler (1-6, 3.84 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (5-6, 4.61 ERA) vs. Ernesto Lujan (3-8, 4.47 ERA)
All right-handers here! Not that it mattered much – the Coons wouldn’t hurt anybody’s feelings, no matter whether they were left-handed, right-handed, or had lost both hands in a grim accident with an electric can opener and now wielded a pair of battery-powered buzzing claws.
Thursday would be an off day before we’d head on to Atlanta (and maybe just leave Adam Avakian there…). The double header on Sunday thus wouldn’t upset our rotation to a point where we *needed* a spot starter, but Bernie Chavez was pitching so rotten that I was entertaining the idea of sending in Chris Miller for the Wednesday game just to see him start a game at all. Miller had thrown 28 pitches on Sunday; starting on Wednesday would require him to stay out of the first two games.
Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – C Morales – 1B Avakian – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – P Brown
MIL: RF Valenzuela – 2B McWhirter – 1B Leftwich – 3B Conner – SS Garnier – CF Prestwood – LF K. Farmer – C Paiz – P Olguin
Six batters in, the Critters had a 6-0 lead. Berto opened with a triple down the rightfield line, scored on Fernandez’ single up the middle, and then the Loggers kindly chipped in two errors. Jamie Leftwich fumbled Wallace’s grounder for one, then couldn’t handle a wild throw by Edgar Paiz on Justin Fowler’s grounder for the second one. Tony Morales doubled home two, and Avakian hit a ball over the fence in right in a desperate, last-ditch effort to not get tied to a street light post in Atlanta on the weekend. So this was Brown’s game to lose now. He retired the Loggers in order in the bottom 1st before the Coons upped their game in the top 2nd. Berto singled, Manny Fernandez blasted a homer, and it was 8-0! A Jimmy Wallace double and two groundouts made it 9-0, with 3 RBI on Tony Morales. Milwaukee held on to Olguin until Avakian’s 2-out single. Peter “Graveyard” Gill retried Stalker to end that inning. For practicable purposes the game was as good as in the books, although Gill’s double and a Danny Valenzuela single gave the Loggers a run in the bottom 3rd, yet doubles by Morales and Stalker reclaimed it in the fifth. Tony Morales also hit a 2-out RBI single to cash in Wallace in the sixth inning. Up 11-1, the Raccoons removed a number of regulars during the seventh-inning stretch, including Berto and Fowler. Darren Brown went eight innings of 1-run ball, but was not sent out for the ninth against the middle of the order and already well over 100 pitches.
Of course something had to go wrong in the ninth inning. Preston Pinkerton hit a leadoff double off Sergio Piedra in the #4 hole, bringing up a 3-for-4 Tony Morales that was already starting to carve out a permanent spot in the lineup. He ripped another double over Leftwich that gave him his third double in the game as well as his fifth RBI. It also gave him a jammed paw upon sliding into second base, and he had to come out of the game to make sure there was no claw damage. Kurt Wall replaced him. Hugo Salgado would come up with another run on a pinch-hit base knock, running the Coons’ total up to 13. David Fernandez walked one and whiffed three in the bottom 9th while I was freaking out over the Morales injury. 13-1 Coons. Ramos 2-4, 3B; M. Fernandez 2-6, HR, 3 RBI; Wallace 2-5, 2 2B; Pinkerton 1-1, 2B; Morales 4-5, 3 2B, 5 RBI; Avakian 2-5, HR, 2 RBI; Salgado (PH) 1-1, 2B, RBI; Brown 8.0 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 1 BB, 3 K, W (3-1);
Tony Morales wound up with a piece of tape on his claw that was perhaps half an inch wide, and the recommendation by Dr. Chung to leave him out of the Tuesday game because his whining was otherwise unbearable.
I took it way harder, eventually collapsing from exhaustion after banging on the door to the trainer’s room for ten minutes, and spent the last hours of the day with an oxygen mask on my face and confessing to all my sins. Some say I was exaggerating, but I claim that it’s never wrong to call for a priest in such dire straits…
Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – 1B Avakian – C Wall – 3B Zeltser – 2B Barrios – P Rendon
MIL: RF Valenzuela – 2B McWhirter – 1B Leftwich – 3B Conner – LF D.J. Mendez – CF Prestwood – SS Del Vecchio – C Canas – P Metzler
I assumed the bats to be empty for the rest of the week by default, but at least Avakian hit a double and was scored by Bob Zeltser in the second inning for a 1-0 lead behind Gilberto Rendon. That was it for offense early on. Neither team managed more than two base hits through four innings, and it was only in the fifth that the Critters scratched out another run on a pair of singles by Edgar Barrios, who was bunted to second base, and Berto, who drove in the runner with a single to right-center. Bottom 5th, Tyler Prestwood hit a leadoff single, but got doubled up by Ted Del Vecchio.
Zeltser singled home Avakian for the second time during a 2-out rally in the sixth. The maligned first baseman hit a single himself and Kurt Wall walked in between them to move him to scoring position. Barrios, batting a sad .206, grounded out to Bill McWhirter to end the inning. While Rendon held the Loggers short and to three hits in six innings, the Coons had the chance for the knockout, getting another three Furballs on base with two outs in the seventh. Unfortunately, that meant bases loaded for Avakian, which was not a scenario that had generated lots of runs so far, as his 15 total RBI this season (in a precise 200 at-bats) were witness to. He grounded out to Del Vecchio. Leftwich’s leadoff single in the bottom 7th never saw the Loggers move that runner off first base, and Rendon kept the Loggers shut out through eight, but also reached 95 pitches, and he was not built to go far over 100. One more insurance run would sure help with our confidence here, but his spot was also up to lead off in the ninth, and Alex Banderas rung him up. Berto walked, but was caught stealing before Salgado singled. Wallace flew out to Prestwood, keeping the score at 3-0 while Rendon would face the top of the order. Ed Blair was sure readying in the pen! In the event, Valenzuela singled on the very first pitch thrown by Rendon in the bottom 9th and the switch was made immediately. Blair got a double play grounder from McWhirter, then a game-ending groundout from Leftwich. 3-0 Coons. Ramos 2-4, BB, RBI; Zeltser 2-4, 2 RBI; Rendon 8.0 IP, 5 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 4 K, W (6-5) and 1-3;
Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – C Morales – 1B Avakian – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – P Miller
MIL: RF Valenzuela – 2B McWhirter – 1B Leftwich – 3B Conner – LF D.J. Mendez – SS Garnier – CF Prestwood – C Paiz – P Lujan
Chris Miller (1-2, 3.24 ERA) got romped right from the start, with the Loggers bludgeoning him for six hits and five runs, including three triples, in the first two innings. The first saw only a McWhirter triple and Leftwich’s sac fly, but the second started with singles by Maxime Garnier and Tyler Prestwood, then brought about doom with two outs. Valenzuela and McWhirter hit consecutive triples, Leftwich chucked an RBI single, and it was 5-0 in no time.
While the Critters scratched out only four hits and one run on a Manny Fernandez RBI single in the third inning through the first five, the Loggers knocked out Miller with a D.J. Mendez solo homer in the bottom 5th, extending their lead back to five runs, 6-1. A vague bid for a comeback was made in the top 6th; Lujan conceded a leadoff walk to Jimmy Wallace, then served up Justin Fowler’s 12th homer of the season, a 400-footer to right. Morales whiffed, but Avakian singled and Tim Stalker hit a ball up the line that Gold Glover Valenzuela barely kept to becoming a double. This placed two in scoring position and brought up Bob Zeltser as the tying run with one down. He struck out in a full count, and Rich Vickers hit a fly to Valenzuela to strand the precious runners. The next inning, Ramos and Fernandez were on the corners with nobody out thanks to a pair of singles off Lujan. The middle of the order drew up – none of them plated a run. Strikeout, lineout, and Morales got nailed to fill them up for Avakian, which at least got the Loggers into their pen where Rafael Zacarias had the easiest out at the plate. Avakian, the lousy drain on my psyche, popped out to short. The bottom of the order did nothing in the eighth, except for Kurt Wall drawing a 2-out walk in the #9 hole, but Berto lined out to Prestwood. Top 9th, still three runs behind, Manny Fernandez opened with a single to left off Banderas. Wallace chucked a grounder at McWhirter for a double play, and that was it. 6-3 Loggers. M. Fernandez 3-5, RBI; Fowler 2-5, HR, 2 RBI; Garavito 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;
Well, that was awful! At least we know where we stand with Miller now…
A roster move occurred on our off day, with the Critters optioning Edgar Barrios to St. Petersburg after his average dropped to .200. There were too many second basemen on the roster, and it wasn’t like his lefty bat did anything worthwhile. We brought up utility value at least in Justin Marsingill.
Raccoons (32-38) @ Knights (29-42) – June 22-24, 2035
The Knights had swept us the first time round this year, but they were also horrendous and begged to be beaten on their own turf. They were last in the South, 18 1/2 off the pace, and were adrift in the Chattahoochee. Their offense had them in the bottom three in the CL, and their pitching was merely average. They had already piled up a -52 run differential (Coons: +17, somehow).
Projected matchups:
Bernie Chavez (5-6, 4.61 ERA) vs. Chris Inderrieden (7-4, 2.49 ERA)
Colt Willes (5-7, 3.97 ERA) vs. Roland Warner (3-4, 2.49 ERA)
Ignacio del Rio (5-6, 4.06 ERA) vs. Armando Zaragoza (2-9, 5.57 ERA)
Unfortunately we were running into the best bits of their rotation, including the only southpaw scheduled for us this week, Roland Warner, on Saturday. If they got a lead in the game, their pen was a) horrendous to begin with, and b) further scuttled with Marcus Goode and Tommy Weintraub on the DL.
Game 1
POR: SS Ramos – RF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – CF Fowler – C Morales – 1B Avakian – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – P Chavez
ATL: CF Muro – LF Inoa – RF Pincus – 1B Zitzner – SS Thomson – C Dear – 3B Maneke – 2B Ibarra – P Inderrieden
Both teams failed to bring more than nine batters to the plate in three innings, and only Chris Maneke reached base on an infield single before being doubled off by Sergio Ibarra. No, not even Travis Zitzner, batting .277 with three homers, managed to hit a homer right away, but the weekend was still long… While the Knights had Juan Muro loop a leadoff single (and getting forced out by Luis Inoa), then added a 2-out walk drawn by Zitzner, Keith Thomson flew out to strand those runners in the bottom 4th. Portland didn’t get on base until Tony Morales reached on an uncaught third strike with one down in the top 5th. Avakian walked, Tim Stalker hit a ball down the rightfield line for an RBI double, and the Knights wouldn’t pitch to Bob Zeltser. Bernie Chavez hit into a 3-6-1 double play after the intentional walk, but Manny Fernandez singled, stole second, and scored on Fowler’s 2-out double in the sixth to run the score to 2-0. Morales struck out, and this time Matt Dear held on to it.
Bernie retired the first two in the bottom 6th before throwing away Luis Inoa’s grounder for a 2-base error. He walked Roy Pincus… and Travis Zitzner, too. Keith Thomson, batting a sturdy .168, drove a 1-1 pitch to deep center… but Fowler caught up with it and caught the damn thing to end the inning. Bernie! WHY!!?? No answer would be forthcoming, because Chavez immediately stuffed his snout with a banana upon return to the dugout, devouring it noisily. He would pitch another inning, then retired after 101 pitches and with his spot leading off the eighth against Inderrieden. The Raccoons by now had only right-handed bats on the bench, which was another no-good situation, but got a leadoff walk from Salgado, who advanced on Ramos’ groundout. Fernandez hit a fly to deep left on 0-2, got it over Inoa, and Salgado scored on the RBI double! Wallace and Fowler made casual outs, handing the 3-0 lead to the pen. David Fernandez retired Paul Kuehn, Muro, and Inoa in order in the bottom 8th, setting up Ed Blair unless the Raccoons scored upon Kevin Surginer in the ninth. The right-handed long-time Critter had only signed a few days earlier with the Knights and was making his season debut. Surginer retired Morales and Avakian, but then conceded a double to Tim Stalker. Sergio Ibarra then flubbed Zeltser’s grounder, putting Critters on the corners for Salgado, who popped out. The Knights also got a 2-out hit off Blair, a Thomson single, but Matt Dear’s pop to second was caught by Stalker, putting this one into the books as a Critters W. 3-0 Raccoons. M. Fernandez 2-4, 2B, RBI; Stalker 2-4, 2 2B, RBI; Chavez 7.0 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 2 K, W (6-6);
Game 2
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – C Wall – CF Fowler – LF Wallace – 2B Vickers – 1B Avakian – 3B Marsingill – P Willes
ATL: CF Muro – LF Inoa – RF Pincus – 1B Zitzner – SS Thomson – C Dear – 3B Maneke – 2B Ibarra – P Warner
The Raccoons’ Colt Willes was yet un-hit upon when a brisk rain shower brought about an hour-long delay in the bottom of the fourth inning. The game was also still scoreless, and when resumed, saw Roy Pincus reach on an error by .133 hitter Justin Marsingill. But there was always Travis Zitzner to rely on – the colossal dork hit into an inning-ending double play.
Marsingill doubled and scored on a 2-out single by Berto in the fifth inning, finally getting a run on the board. The Knights got a fat scoring chance in the bottom 5th without getting a hit still as Willes walked Thomson, fumbled a comebacker by Dear for an error, and then still logged two pops from Maneke and Ibarra before balking the runners into scoring position with Warner at the plate. Warner lined the 2-1 pitch to the right side – but Rich Vickers played spoiler and shagged the ball to end the inning.
Come the sixth, the Raccoons lost Justin Fowler to a groin strain, merely shattering the lineup fully and completely, and Juan Muro hit a leadoff double off Willes, getting rid of that no-hit flair. The run would score on a Vickers error with two outs, fumbling a Zitzner grounder that should have ended the inning. Top 7th, Marsingill leaked a 1-out single to right before Tim Stalker hit for Willes and ripped a double past Gold Glover Chris Maneke. Berto batted with two runners in scoring position and one down, struck out, and Salgado did the same… Oh no, I’m fine. They’re merely killing me…
The Knights then did the rest against Dusty Kulp in the bottom 7th. Maneke walked, PH Paul Kuehn doubled to right, and another pinch-hitter, Brian Eppler, romped a homer to left. That was well enough to win the game for Atlanta; Rich Vickers drove in a token run against George Barnett, plating Wall with two outs in the eighth, but the tying run that came up at that point had Avakian shape, so you knew not to bet on a game-tying event in the inning. He popped out to short, like the ****ing ****ter he was. The tying run came back up in the ninth inning after Tony Morales’ pinch-hit, 1-out double off Brad Santry and the right-hander’s 6.16 ERA. Berto singled to left-center, bringing up the go-ahead run in an 0-4 Salgado, who fanned. Kurt Wall fell to 1-2, missed once more, and that game was over. 4-2 Knights. Ramos 2-5, RBI; Wall 2-5; Fowler 2-3, 2B; Marsingill 2-3, 2B; Stalker (PH) 1-1, 2B; Morales (PH) 1-1, 2B; Willes 6.0 IP, 1 H, 1 R, 0 ER, 2 BB, 5 K and 1-2;
12-4. We out-hit them… 12-4.
TWELVE-FOUR!! (throws a baseball like a girl at the nearest Critter, then clutches shoulder for the shooting pain resulting from it)
In non-psychological damage, Justin Fowler’s groin strain was bad enough to require a DL stint, which Dr. Chung estimated to take us through the All Star break at three weeks. He could heal up in two weeks, Dr. Chung declared, if he wasn’t such a damn sissy!
Another roster move was obviously required, and while I was crying bitter tears over our bereavement, the Raccoons eventually added another outfielder for Sunday, calling up Ed Hooge, last seen here in ’33, who had been batting .329 in partial action for the Alley Cats.
Game 3
POR: SS Ramos – RF Salgado – CF M. Fernandez – LF Wallace – C Morales – 1B Avakian – 2B Stalker – 3B Zeltser – P del Rio
ATL: CF Muro – LF Inoa – RF Pincus – 1B Zitzner – SS Thomson – 3B Maneke – C Kuehn – 2B Greene – P Zaragoza
The nightmare continued unabated with del Rio leaking a single and three walks in the bottom 1st, loading the bases for an in-between double play hit into by – who else – Zitzner. Maneke slapped a 2-run single in a full count, and del Rio fell to 3-2 even against Kuehn, who grounded out to Avakian. That was almost 40 pitches of absolute ****-*** ********ery, and I would make sure he’d learn of my opinion. While Zaragoza, the worst pitcher to come up on the weekend, struck out five the first time through, the Raccoons’ tosser walked another guy in the bottom of the second, then surrendered a third-inning homer to ****ING TRAVIS ZITZNER.
When Avakian hit a leadoff double in a 3-0 deficit in the top 5th, it took two outs and a del Rio single to get him around to score, which was the sort of thing that was draining my will to live away here… Berto then slapped another single, Salgado walked, and Fernandez came up with three on and two outs… and poked the first pitch at Drew Greene to end the inning. del Rio was yanked after five and over 100 pitches, not that it made anything less ****. Garavito replaced him, put Maneke on base with a leadoff single, and then Tony Morales chipped in with a 2-base throwing error on Kuehn’s grounder. Greene chipped an RBI single, Zaragoza bunted Greene to second, and Juan Muro dropped a 2-run single in shallow center. Prieto replaced Garavito, allowed another run to score on a Pincus single, and it was 7-1 when Zitzner struck out to end the ****ING inning. – Oh, very thoughtful. (nods to the Knights’ attendant) I will gladly take a few peaches. I can always use more ammunition.
Further pointless heroics included a 1-out walk by Fernandez in the eighth. Jimmy Wallace seamlessly fed the baseball into a double play, and somehow Zaragoza appeared in the ninth inning despite five hits and four walks against him. He had also whiffed nine. Tony Morales lined out to begin the inning, but Vickers landed a pinch-hit single. Kurt Wall batted for Tim Stalker and doubled. Bob Zeltser singled to right, scoring one run, still not enough to knock out Zaragoza, but Ed Hooge’s RBI double did, bringing about a save situation for the dandy Santry and his six-ish ERA. The Coons had two in scoring position with one out and the top of the order coming up. Berto buried the baseball in the leftfield corner for a 2-run double, reducing the deficit to 7-5, with Hugo Salgado appearing as the tying run. He popped out. And so did Manny Fernandez. For pointless heroics – a 4-run ninth that was entirely for the hairy bum. 7-5 Knights. Ramos 2-5, 2B, 2 RBI; Vickers (PH) 1-1; Wall (PH) 1-1, 2B; Hooge 1-2, RBI;
In other news
June 23 – Only 32 years old, LAP SP Dave Christiansen (6-6, 4.01 ERA) joins the 200-win club with a victorious 6-2 performance against the Capitals, a complete-game 7-hitter with five strikeouts. A career Pacific, Christiansen is 200-95 with a 3.06 ERA overall and has piled up 2,292 strikeouts. He was Pitcher of the Year twice, an All Star eight times, and has three World Series rings, which means there is a legit conversation to be had about his Hall of Fame candidacy even now.
Complaints and stuff
Justin Fowler moving to the DL is another dagger in the side we didn’t really need. Like, at all. Not the season I envisioned. Now eight games behind the damn Elks.
THE DAMN ELKS.
Dave Christiansen has led the FL in wins six times, in strikeouts three times, but only once in ERA, and that year (2027) snugly fit into the whole while he went 6-for-7 in the wins title, so he’s never won a triple crown.
I have a problem. I mean, I have many, but this is about the rotation and not about rampant substance abuse and anger issues. Flames licked his body in his first rehab start, but ultimately we have to bring back Raffaello Sabre, but – realistically – who gets bumped from the rotation? I mean, the obvious choice would be Bernie Chavez, but he was THIRD in ERA last year, and that can’t all have been a fluke, can it? Darren Brown would be an obvious choice, and I can’t stand him, but he has a 2.27 ERA and has to be doing *something* right…
Rendon has to stay in the rotation because he is not paid like a long reliever. He’s paid like two All Stars. That gets us down to Willes and del Rio, and the latter is already an ***hole as things are. Can he crank the prickitude up to 11 if moved to the bullpen? After Wednesday at least, nobody’s married to Chris Miller any more than we were to … what was the name of the other guy? … Robby Ciampa? – Thanks, Rodrigo. I tend to forget the names of not-so-important people. – Oh. Sorry. *Cristiano*.
Fun Fact: Kevin Surginer has signed a 1-year deal after the start of the season for the fourth year in a row, and for the second time with the Knights.
That’s only 31 games pitched combined between the three previous years, a far cry from the steady workhorse he was with the Raccoons.
Surginer appeared in 503 games (all but one emergency start in relief) in his eight years (2023 to 2030) with Portland, the 12th-most (tied with Kisho Saito) appearances for a pitcher in franchise history, and second-most behind Scott Wade for pitchers that made at least one start for the team.
He went 34-31 with 10 saves in those eight years, pitching 512.1 innings and whiffing 518 batters. Ever since, luck has however clearly deserted him…