This Month in the CBO
News and Notes - Reports from around the Commonwealth
by Nat Wright-Kowalski
16 January 2296 - Swatters' Investment Rusts
Diamond City first baseman Jeffrey Curatolo thought he was clever when he stored his life's savings in a sewer grate off the Charles River. Unfortunately, the 7th-rounder did not use an airtight box. Since his life's savings were entirely in bottle caps instead of the paper money Nate Howard has suggested using for large amounts, Curatolo now has just a rusted pile of metal. What he claimed was enough to invest in new restaurants in the Fens now just gets to go to the scrap heap. At least he will make more money hitting balls for the CBO's elite team.
19 January 2296 - Goodneighbor Player Regrets #2 at the Third Rail
Playing for John Hancock has to be among the most thrilling of enterprises for young men in the Commonwealth. However, 16-year-old second baseman Jumper Hayes's introduction to the team got, let's say, a little sticky. While having a team party at Hancock's club, the Third Rail, Hayes had to go number two. What he did not know was that an unidentified-as-yet prankster smeared super glue on one of the toilet seats. Hayes, who was taken in the second round of the inaugural draft, was glued to the seat for several hours before Whitechapel Charlie was able to saw off the metal frame. Still, Hayes will miss a bit of time while the skin regrows on his bum. However, he definitely will not be sitting very much in the next few weeks. Hancock has threatened to publicly execute the prankster. There is no comment yet from Nate Howard.
20 January 2296 - Slog Player Gets Sloshed
In what promises to be a running storyline in the CBO of drunken debauchery among players, Ghouls third baseman Lou Churchman found himself in a pickle at the Steamhouse. Four guys who didn't like Churchman's face nor his boasting at the neighborhood bar, took out their frustration by challenging the rockhead to a fight. While the four guys got the best of Churchman by cracking his tooth, he claimed the other guys got the worst of the punishment. Churchman is a little battered and bruised, but he said he could take on a behemoth today if need be.
23 January 2296 - University Point Still a War Zone
University Point two-bagger Greg Shallowwater learned the hard way that renting an apartment means that neighbors are nearby. Angered by his new neighbor blasting Atomic Radio a little too loud, the late-round pick put his fist through their adjoined wall. It looks like we know what Shallowwater, who will make the league minimum, is going to be doing with his next capbag: paying to replace a wall. Wade in your pool, there, GS.
26 January 2296 – Junkman Knows His Trade
A slightly inebriated member of the Four Leafs forgot his new trade and drunkenly fumbled his way through his old one. Shortstop Tommy Junkman, following a ten-day trend of CBO infielders doing stupid things, got drunk with his new Finch Farm comrades. After most of the party died down, a few heard someone hammering on metal. What they found was Junkman battering the pitching machine into submission.
According to one teammate who wished to remain anonymous, Junkman yelled out, “This is some good scrap, man” in reference to the mutilated machine. “I can get at least 70 caps on this!”
Perhaps the Junkman forgot that he will be making more caps on fielding grounders than he did in collecting scrap.
31 January 2296 - Irony Strikes Concord Player, Long Clinic Stay Imminent
What Concord Radstags reliever Bobby Fairline may not have understood is that joining the Radstags team does not suddenly make actual radstags his friend. Fairline found out the hard way that close encounters with radstags can and do result in aggressive animals with sharp horns poking holes in people. The undrafted free agent pickup is listed in critical but stable condition. While his injuries may not be life-threatening, advances in medicine have yet to speed up healing gapes in the body. Fairline looks to miss some time, with the start of the regular season probably out of the question.