This Month in the CBO
News and Notes - Reports from around the Commonwealth
by Nat Wright-Kowalski
23 March 2296 –Howard Praises Preseason Tournaments, Addresses Protest in Quincy
Commissioner Nate Howard gave each of the hosts praise for their tournaments.
“I want to thank the six host settlements for all their efforts,” Howard said at Starlight Drive-In. “I enjoyed my time watching the Bloodbugs, Lady Killers, Scrappers, and Treasures. It was a joy to see the players show off all their hard work, and I can’t wait for the first regular season to start.”
This reporter was in attendance and asked the commish about the purported incident in Quincy. He described it as “unfortunate” but also mentioned that he would like to hear personally from the protesters and seek solutions for their concerns.
When asked about other potentially threatening names, like the host team, the Starlight Lady Killers, Howard mentioned that the name itself was slang and not meant as a literal interpretation.
He also mentioned that a lot of traditional team names included double entendre. “I mean, I played on a softball team called the Angry Dolphins, for mercy sake," Howard said. "The Angry Dolphins.”
This reporter is not sure what Howard meant by references to "softball," slang, double entendre, nor "Angry Dolphins," but I suppose politicians will be politicians when it comes to answering questions directly. In the meantime, there may be more questions about some of the baseball teams’ nicknames.
25 March 2296 – Runaway History Bites Witch Hat
Little Johnny Orphan may make it in the Commonwealth Baseball Organization, but he has a lot of maturing to do.
The 16-year-old reliever, Orphan, is on his tenth different team, and the official start of the spring season does not start until tomorrow.
Barney Rook gave the young man a "talking to" in a team gathering, telling the young man that committing to something is the very thing he needs.
Orphan has not switched teams so often because teams are looking to muddle through the waiver wire, but because Orphan has quit on his team each time practice got rough. He tried the same thing today, but teammates and Rook convinced him he would be “****** up a ***** with a ********* **** *****” if he quit on them. Also, Rook told him that all contractual payment was being withheld until he completed a month’s service with the team or was released before that time.
Whether Orphan stays or goes this time, he definitely does not want to ****** up a ***** with a ********* **** *****. Nobody does!
26 March 2296 – Gambling Problem Haunts Yao Guai Pitcher
Fairline Hill Estates pitcher Crick Dubya stands out in a crowd. At 6’7” the pitcher stands a head above many, which means it is tough when he is trying not to be seen.
That was especially evident when an unseemly loan shark and gang leader at Easy City Downs, Babyface Aorta, paid Dubya a visit. Apparently, before heading to Diamond City from Lynn Woods for the draft, Dubya made a detour to Easy Town to gamble on the robot races. He paid for his gambling by taking out a loan from Babyface. After losing all day at the track, Dubya headed off without repaying his debts.
Yesterday, Babyface found Dubya, and there was an issue. For one, a group of guards was able to chase away Babyface and his diaper-wearing goons. That means Babyface is probably going to put a hit on Dubya. Two, Dubya will soon get a visit from the commish based on a strict no gambling rule in the league. In all fairness, Dubya gambled at Easy City Downs before he became a league player. However, if that gambling past jumps out of the bushes and shouts “Boo!” then there be ghosts in Dubya’s pantry, or however that phrase goes.
30 March 2296 – Incident in Oberland
After a team meeting in Greygarden, young reliever Vince McCort returned to his loft shack at Oberland Station to get some rest, where he discovered Third Saturday Montana allowing his molerat to root through McCort’s porch garden. Angered by the animal ruining his silt beans and tatos, McCort stabbed the beast to death with a combat knife. Montana tried to intervene on his pet’s behalf, but McCort turned on him and stabbed Montana three times in the abdomen. Onlookers intervened before McCort could deliver the final slash.
Montana was rushed to the Oberland Clinic where he is in critical condition. McCort was escorted to the guardhouse to be processed for attempted murder. If Montana passes away, McCort would have more severe charges.
Oberland T-51s owner August Oberland made a statement:
“When I built up this settlement from nothing more than a train station to one of the more important trading posts, I thought I had accomplished two great things up until now: a safe place and a peaceful place. Due to the incident today, I learned I was fooling myself. I’m trying to do too much, and I need to rethink what I can do to keep Oberland what I dreamed it could be. I know Mr. McCort is not from here and where he’s from that may be acceptable action, but it’s not here. Old Third Saturday [Montana] also has to understand that his pets need to have limits. Both of them messed up today, and I hope [Montana] pulls out of it and we can move on. With that said, McCort is suspended from the team, probably forever, but I will file it with the league office to make it official.”