[Westheim]

More than any other year I could remember, sending the boys off to a series in Elktown was like waving your handkerchief at the train which carried the young men of the village off towards the frontline. You just knew that they’d be shot and dinged up, and hardly half of them would come back in one piece, the others being left for dead on the battlefield or grisly maimed.

Raccoons (49-42) @ Canadiens (43-50) – July 21-23, 2036

The Critters were up 6-3 in the season series, which never meant much of anything against the monsters with many tentacles and hooves of the North. They had swept the Loggers coming out of the All Star break and were lusting for more. Their pitching was about league average, but they were lacking in offense.

Projected matchups:
Gilberto Rendon (3-5, 4.63 ERA) vs. Nick Danieley (4-8, 4.61 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (5-5, 3.89 ERA) vs. Joe West (10-7, 3.56 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (5-7, 2.92 ERA) vs. Bryce Neal (8-9, 3.63 ERA)

Neal was the sole left-hander we were expecting.

The Raccoons put Kurt Wall on the DL to begin the week and recalled Chris Manning. There were no news on Colt Willes so far, and I would busy myself trying to work out a deal with some other team for some other player … it was admittedly all rather vague at the present time… As of Monday, the Raccoons didn’t even know whether they were buyers or sellers; and if they were sellers, was there even anything with four legs left to sell…??

Game 1
POR: 3B Downs – LF Hooge – RF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – C Morales – 2B Vickers – 1B Maruyama – SS Triolo – P Rendon
VAN: 2B D.J. Robinson – C Clemente – CF Outram – 1B J. Lopez – LF LeJeune – RF Korecky – SS Schneider – 3B Stephenson – P Danieley

A Jesse LeJeune single, three walks, and a wild pitch booked Rendon for two runs in the first inning, and he could consider himself lucky that he was well out of the blunderbuss’ effective range of fire. That aside it was just a typical Elktown game: the Raccoons did absolutely nothing, collecting two hits in four innings, and the damn Elks opened the bottom 4th with not one, but two infield singles by Will Korecky and Brian Schneider and somehow turned that into a third run on a sac fly hit by their pitcher. Danieley was the only damn Elk to hit the ball out of the infield in that inning…

When Rich Vickers reached on an error by Schneider in the top 5th, Maruyama was quick to wrap him up in a double play before somehow the Coons reaccumulated on base again. Triolo hit a single, Rendon hit a single, and Adam Downs hit an RBI single to right. Ed Hooge, clearly off the hot streak (but not the hot sauce) now, struck out, stranding the tying runs. In response, the damn Elks flagellated Rendon for four singles (another Korecky infield single in there, too…) and two runs before he was yanked in the bottom 5th. Prieto replaced him, allowed an RBI single to Schneider, then got a pop to short that Matt Triolo, the useless ****, dropped to allow Josh Stephenson on base and Korecky to score, 7-1. The game was really over by then. Danieley went eight innings, scattering seven hits for one run, and no sudden fire was lit under the Coons’ furry bums in the ninth inning, either. 7-1 Canadiens. M. Fernandez 3-4, 2B; Triolo 2-4, 2B;

We’ll just put that in the Sell column then….

With a tear biceps, Colt Willes (5-4, 3.85 ERA) was sent to the DL on Tuesday. He was probably out for the season, although a comeback in September was not impossible. The question was whether anybody even wanted him back after he had won but one of his last FOURTEEN starts.

So that was another guy in the unmarked mass grave behind the ballpark. Stretched for spares, the Raccoons brought up Josh Livingston, last year’s surprise (first pleasant, then not so much), who had gone 2-6 with a 3.05 ERA in nine starts in AAA this year. He had also spent two months on the DL with an elbow strain, because that was just what this ****ing year was all about.

Game 2
POR: SS Downs – LF Hooge – RF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – C Morales – 2B Vickers – 1B Maldonado – 3B Marsingill – P Sabre
VAN: 2B D.J. Robinson – C Clemente – CF Outram – RF Phillips – 1B J. Lopez – LF LeJeune – SS Cabral – 3B Stephenson – P J. West

The Coons had four hits the first time through, but never one with somebody already on base. Rich Vickers was picked off first to make that even mathematically possible. The damn Elks weren’t much more successful, either, landing three hits off Sabre, also never disturbing the peace with somebody on the basepaths. Top 5th, Justin Marsingill – who, yes, indeed had spent all year on the 25-man roster without getting noticed – hit a leadoff single to left. Sabre bunted him over, and Ramon Cabral fumbled Downs’ grounder for an error, placing them on the corners for Ed Hooge with one down – by far the best shot the Critters had gotten all day long. Hooge hit a sac fly to center for the first run of the game, Fernandez singled, and Fowler stranded two with a strikeout… In the bottom of the inning there was a clinic for what effective 2-out hitting looked like. With Cabral (single) and Stephenson (walk) in scoring position and two gone, D.J. Robinson hit a gapper to right-center for a double, flipped the score, and doubtlessly sent the Critters careening towards their second straight loss and, by extension, their doom.

Stephenson’s leadoff triple off Sabre in but brief a time led to a third Elks run, with the score now an unrecoverable 3-1. When Ed Hooge drew a leadoff walk in the eighth inning, the Coons hit two grounders and a lazy fly to keep him on base. Garavito kept the damn Elks where they were for one out in the seventh and three in the eighth, before the Coons faced Rafael Urbano and his 2.63 ERA in the ninth. Vickers struck out. Maldonado hit a bloop single, which was better than nothing. With the tying run up, desperation bore the idea of batting Maruyama for Marsingill, but the Japanese roster filler grounded out. This moved Maldonado to third base after he had already advanced on an errant pickoff attempt by backup catcher Edgar Paiz. Preston Pinkerton batted for Garavito, struck out, and that was the ballgame. 3-1 Canadiens. Hooge 1-1, BB, RBI; Maldonado 2-4;

Definitely no point in buying…

…except booze. Booze is always right. – Hey!! (hits on the counter at the liquor store to get the juvenile-looking attendant’s attention) I said BOOZE! – I don’t CARE whether there’s 30% off on the Dud Light! I want BOOZE, not your piss-colored, piss-flavored, kiddie lemonade!! – I’m a connoisseur, for ****’s sake! Now, what’s with those plastic gallon jugs o’ Nebraska wine with the screw cap…? – Three for the price of two? – Make it six.

Game 3
POR: SS Downs – RF Pinkerton – LF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – 1B Maldonado – 3B Marsingill – 2B Hirai – C Manning – P Chavez
VAN: 2B D.J. Robinson – SS Cabral – CF Outram – RF Phillips – 1B J. Lopez – LF LeJeune – C Paiz – 3B Stephenson – P Neal

Both teams managed only one hit and no runs through four innings. Bernie started with three strikeouts in the first before Ryan Phillips singled in the bottom 2nd. Johnny Lopez doubled him off and it was smooth sailing from there for Chavez. And oh, if only the offense could do something against a damn Elks pitcher…! When Maldonado led off the fifth with a single to right-center, Marsingill immediately doubled him off. Yukitsura Hirai singled to center with two outs, Chris Manning walked, and now Bernie was up with two gone, zinged a 3-2 pitch to left, singled, and plated Hirai for the first run of the game. Adam Downs then rolled out to short on the very next pitch, and running the bases even a little bit had unfortunately irreparably ****ed up Bernie Chavez’ rhythm and the damn Elks hit three singles on seven pitches to begin the bottom 5th, loading the bags for Paiz. The catcher struck out, but Stephenson singled to left to score two, the runners advanced on Fernandez’ hopeless throw to home plate, Bryce Neal hit a 2-run single to right, and, Honeypaws, it really all is just pointless. (unscrews jug of Nebraska wine) Don’t hiss at me, I didn’t know it was yours! – Well, your name isn’t on it, mister! – There isn’t even the name of the place where they trampled it on the jug!!

The bottom 6th began with a Phillips homer, and Lopez and LeJeune hit singles, knocking out Chavez with nobody out and two aboard in a 5-1 game. Chris Wise replaced him, but the ****ing ***hole gave up a single to Paiz and, after Stephenson struck out by accident, a 2-run double up the rightfield line to Neal. That one ****ing starting pitcher on the ****ing Elks had now driven in more runs in this game than the stupid ****ty Coons in the entire ****ing series! That was how you recognized a quality team! Robinson hit a sac fly, Cabral hit an RBI double, Jerry Outram hit an RBI single, and Phillips walked. Wise was put on a pike after that unpleasant performance, which only ended when Lopez grounded out to Hirai against David Fernandez. Of course, after cocking up six in the sixth, the Raccoons were surely swept, entirely ending their pathetic playoff pretender status. Fowler hit an RBI single in the eighth. Nobody gave a damn ****. The Coons scored two unearned runs in the ninth when the damn Elks made two errors on them. And still, nobody gave a damn ****. 10-4 Canadiens. Fowler 2-5, RBI; Maldonado 3-4; Vickers (PH) 1-1; Triolo 1-1, BB; D. Fernandez 2.1 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 3 K;

Raccoons (49-45) @ Bayhawks (49-45) – July 25-27, 2036

Nothing good had ever happened in San Francisco. And that 200-odd year streak wouldn’t change this weekend, either. The Baybirds were fourth in offense, sixth in pitching, and third in the South, just as far out as the Critters, who, fun fact, were terrible in every aspect of the game. Portland had won two of three so far this year, but being in the green at a .667 rate hadn’t ****ing helped them in Vancouver, either!

Projected matchups:
Josh Livingston (0-0) vs. Matt Peterson (3-12, 5.40 ERA)
Jared Ottinger (3-2, 3.25 ERA) vs. Ben Lipsky (6-3, 3.46 ERA)
Gilberto Rendon (3-6, 5.10 ERA) vs. Josh Long (13-4, 3.15 ERA)

All right-handers on the weekend. The Bayhawks had nobody on the DL. No wonder – WE had drawn all the injury cards!

Game 1
POR: 3B Downs – LF Hooge – RF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – C Morales – 2B Vickers – 1B Maldonado – SS Triolo – P Livingston
SFB: 2B J. Cruz – CF Pridgeon – RF Sagredo – 1B Levis – 3B Greer – C Dear – LF Hawthorne – SS A. Castillo – P M. Peterson

Tony Morales hit a solo jack in the second inning to give Portland a 1-0 lead, but when had that ever meant anything? (eyes the Bay for a good spot to drown himself) While Livingston retired the Baybirds in order the first time through, he was jumped for homers by Jose Cruz and Luis Sagredo in the bottom of the fourth, and that gave the other team the lead, 2-1. After a leadoff walk to Matt Dear in the bottom 5th, that runner advanced on two groundouts before Matt Peterson hit a single between Triolo and Downs, that comedy duo, to up his lead to 3-1. Cruz popped out; through five, the Bayhawks had three hits to the Critters’ four, and every single one of those three hits had given them a run…

In the sixth the Coons finally strung something together against the pushover Peterson with one out and the middle of the order up. Manny Fernandez hit a gapper for a triple, scored on a Fowler single to right, and then Morales hit a ball to the fence for an RBI double, tying the score at three. Vickers singled to put them on the corners, but Maldonado popped out and Triolo flew out to Jaden Pridgeon in center, stranding the go-ahead runs, and opening the door for the Bayhawks to instead get it back. Luis Sagredo hit ANOTHER jack off Livingston in the bottom 6th, and it was 4-3 for the home team… While the Coons were retired in order in the seventh and eighth innings, the Bayhawks got an insurance run (like they needed it…) with doubles by Cruz and PH Keith Damron off Mauricio Garavito in the bottom 8th. Right-hander Jeremy Bloedow faced the 6-7-8 batters in the ninth, also known as not much of a threat at all. Vickers flew out to Damron in right, with the defender hurting himself and requiring replacement by Dave Trahan. Pinkerton pinch-hit and grounded out. Marsingill pinch-hit and whiffed. 5-3 Bayhawks. Fowler 2-4, RBI; Morales 2-4, HR, 2B, 2 RBI; Vickers 2-4;

Game 2
POR: 3B Downs – LF Hooge – RF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – C Morales – 1B Maruyama – SS Triolo – 2B Hirai – P Ottinger
SFB: CF Dahlman – 3B Greer – RF Sagredo – 1B Levis – 2B J. Cruz – C Dear – LF Hawthorne – SS A. Castillo – P Lipsky

The Raccoons hit two singles in the first, but Morales popped out and they didn’t score. They also had two singles in the second, one single in the third, another single in the fourth… and never scored. Ottinger meanwhile was pitching rather well, allowing one hit and two walks through the first four innings, but like anybody else he too just couldn’t buy support here anymore. Nobody reached in the fifth inning at all before the top 6th began with Fernandez and Fowler going to the corners with a pair of singles. Morales struck out, but Maruyama hit a gapper in right-center – Fernandez scored, Fowler was waved around on the double – and thrown out by Luis Sagredo. A Matt Triolo single – a rare beat indeed – plated Maruyama to make it 2-0 with two outs, the Bayhawks didn’t pitch even to Hirai with two down and first open, but Ottinger also singled, loading the bases for Adam Downs. At this point Portland out-hit the Bayhawks ELEVEN to one. But Downs uselessly popped out, and another three runners were stranded, making nine for the day…

And then the tying runs were on the corners in the bottom of the inning. Alex Castillo hit a leadoff double through Maruyama, Justin Uliasz grounded out to short, even failing to advance the runner, but then Hirai botched Josh Dahlman’s grounder to let the tying run aboard. Marshall Greer doubled over Fowler’s head on the very next pitch to tie the game, and wasn’t it all horrible? (eyes the Bay again)

Maruyama hit a single in the top 8th, advanced on two wild pitches by Eric Fox, but at the same time Marsingill, hitting for Triolo, struck out, and Hirai popped out, and nobody scored AGAIN. Between David Fernandez, Jeremy Bloedow, and Casey Moore nobody was scored upon in the next three half-innings, sending a pathetic contest to extras with the Coons up 12-3 in terms of base knocks. The 10th yielded no base runners, either, but Maruyama rocked a leadoff double off Jorge Villegas jr. in the 11th. Unfortunately that brought up the third-rate travelling circus at the bottom of the order, where Marsingill fell to 1-2 before singling to left. Maruyama blew through the stop sign at third base and was thrown out at home by George Hawthorne, with Marsingill hesitating his way back to first base after turning that corner initially. Vickers batted for Hirai, straight into a double play, and the game dragged itself on without an invitation to do so. Top 12th, Downs singled with one out. The Coons had the pitcher in the #2 hole, so Chris Manning batted for Prieto and grounded to short. The Gold Glover Castillo had a double play ball there, but fumbled it, and the Coons now had two aboard with one out. And then? Fernandez struck out. Fowler struck out. Calmly I broke the fake moustache and the monocle from my pockets, donned both, and henceforth pretended not to be associated with the suckers anymore.

The 13th saw Morales on with a leadoff single, then also featured Morales doubled off by Maruyama’s hard bouncer to third base. Through 13 innings it was still 2-2, but 16-4 in terms of base knocks. The Bayhawks were out of bench players (the Coons still had Preston Pinkerton), but Portland was nearing the end of their pen. When Downs hit a 2-out single off Villegas (in his fourth frame) in the top 14th, Pinkerton batted for Dusty Kulp, but grounded out. The Coons went on to Garavito, who retired the 1-2-3 in 1-2-3 fashion to get everybody to the 15th, where Villegas walked Manny Fernandez to begin the inning, then was removed for left-hander Jesus Rodarte. Fowler struck out, Morales flew out, and Maruyama singled to left. There was nobody left to bat for Marsingill, but he pushed a grounder through the left side and Fernandez dashed around third base and scored, breaking a tie that had been preserved since before records were being kept by the Ancients. Vickers fanned, handing a 3-2 score to Yeom Soung, who had been idle all week and retired Cruz, Dear, and Hawthorne in order. 3-2 Blighters. M. Fernandez 2-6; Maruyama 5-7, 2 2B, RBI; Triolo 2-3, RBI; Marsingill 2-4, RBI; Ottinger 7.0 IP, 3 H, 2 R, 1 ER, 3 BB, 1 K and 2-3; Prieto 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 4 K; Kulp 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

Good, boys, good. At least you killed the pen!

Oh, wait, I forgot. I don’t even know you anymore!

Game 3
POR: 3B Downs – LF Hooge – RF M. Fernandez – CF Fowler – 1B Maruyama – 2B Vickers – SS Triolo – C Manning – P Rendon
SFB: CF Dahlman – 3B Greer – RF Sagredo – 1B Levis – 2B J. Cruz – C Dear – LF Hawthorne – SS A. Castillo – P J. Long

Rendon folded fast on Sunday, falling 3-0 behind in the first inning, in which he allowed a homer to Greer, then nailed Luis Sagredo. The veteran scored on Doug Levis’ triple to right, and Jose Cruz’ sac fly brought that guy in to score as well… Starting with Hawthorne in the bottom 2nd then, Rendon struck out five in a row. Would the madness ever stop?

Overall Rendon struck out six through five innings, paling in comparison to Josh Long, who rung up nine Critters against six base hits. AGAIN, the Raccoons were ahead in hits (6-3) and this time weren’t on the scoreboard at all! Maruyama and Vickers both got rung up in the sixth, giving Long 11 K, while in the bottom of the inning the Bayhawks exploded for another set of three extra-base hits. Greer doubled to center, Levis hit an RBI double to right, and Matt Dear hit a monstrous homer to center and probably all the way to Japan. That ran the tally to 6-0, Rendon from the game, and left us with the cold comfort that the pen only had to get seven more outs… Wise got three and David Fernandez got one before Justin Fowler crushed a mammoth bomb in the eighth off long; with Ed Hooge on base it counted for two, but like everything else was too little, too late. The Raccoons never got another base runner in the game. 6-2 Bayhawks. Hooge 2-4; M. Fernandez 3-4;

In other news

July 23 – SAL SP Brandon Nickerson (11-6, 3.55 ERA) 3-hits the Pacifics in a 5-0 shutout.
July 23 – Sacramento’s Steve Corcoran (10-5, 2.62 ERA) pitches a shutout against the Gold Sox with much the same result: 5-0 win, three hits for the opposition.
July 23 – The Indians trade 3B Ryan Czachor (.287, 2 HR, 12 RBI) to the Stars for a prospect. Czachor, 40 years old, is only a part time player at this stage of his career.
July 24 – The Loggers get two prospects from the Blue Sox for trading MR Rafael Zacarias (4-0, 2.57 ERA, 1 SV) their way.
July 26 – The Titans’ OF/2B Moises Avila (.271, 2 HR, 25 RBI) will miss three weeks with a strained hamstring.
July 26 – Richmond’s 2B/3B Ben “Nine Fingers” Freeman (.260, 5 HR, 37 RBI) already doesn’t have a complete body, and now has a broken kneecap that puts him out for the season.
July 27 – The Falcons trade SP Joe Feltman (6-10, 4.95 ERA) to the Scorpions for two prospects, including #28 SP Jerry Felix.
July 27 – Atlanta OF/1B/SS Luis Inoa (.307, 9 HR, 43 RBI) might be alright after spending just 15 days on the DL for a sprained ankle.

Complaints and stuff

(noisily closes huge 19th century tome of fairy tales) The End!

Cristiano showed me someone’s message on Gobble which went like this –
Q: What is the strongest part of the Portland Raccoons?
A: Their odor.

We will not trade the few remaining big pieces at the deadline. First, I don’t want Valdes to think that we’ve given up and that he can slash the budget. Second, it’s impossible to gauge how good the team would have been if they hadn’t been caught with their ass in the breeze by Jackson on the Orange Turnpike… I still was convinced that the roster as built was good for 90+ wins. But the roster built was not the roster on the field, barely half of it, and there was no point in turning Fowler into some 21-year-old jack*** now, then having to burn another draft pick to sign a replacement in November.

Because, let’s be honest, Jesus Maldonado (.242, 2 HR, 21 RBI in 248 AB for his career) was as far from being Fowler’s replacement as you, or me, or Maud. Or, **** it, Cristiano. At least Cristiano’s related to major league ballplayer – must be something in those genes!

The Raccoons gave up their pursuit of 1B Willie Hernandez, a 16-year-old Dominican in the IFA pool, and Hernandez ended up signing with the Pacifics for just over $500k. Making another offer to him would have blown us threw the soft cap and would have prevented us from making any major offer next season, and he wasn’t the obvious talent of the Alberto Ramos magnitude that was worth the sacrifice. The Raccoons thus paid just $82k for two players, the second baseman Carreno and the pitcher Cortes, this year.

Thinking about it, giving up is what we are best in…

Fun Fact: Manny Fernandez has hit safely in his last 13 games, excluding the All Star Game.

Also in 16 of his last 17 games, and in 27 of his last 29.