Today in the CBO
News and Notes - Reports from around the Commonwealth
by Nat Wright-Kowalski
28 June 2296 - Case of Swamp Ass Affects Oberland Player
Oberland T-51s backup catcher Toad Harris has never liked to bathe. When he was younger, he was named Todd Harris. However, since he refused to take baths for most of his youth, his father started calling him Toad. That name has stuck, as well as his bathing habits, or lack thereof.
Now, the 30-year-old will have to miss some time due to a bad case of swamp ass. Swamp ass is characterized by a rash on the backside due to excessive sweating, as well as being typically unclean in the bottom areas, like a baby with a dirty diaper.
Harris will be out for the rest of the regular season while he is sent to Vault 81 to try to rid himself of the rash and the infections associated with it, and to ensure there is no blood-poisoning from the bacteria there. Perhaps Dr. Jacob Forsythe can also inject him with some sort of anti-filth anecdote to convince him that daily baths or showers, especially after leaving the baseball field, is a good thing.
One the season, Harris has appeared in just seven games, all as a backup. In seven plate appearances, he has gone 2 for 7 with a double, a run scored, two runs batted in, and two strikeouts. He has a .286 average. Harris has been the third catcher for most of the season, serving mostly as the main bullpen catcher.
The T-51s, 36-15, can clinch the division title on Thursday with a win at Diamond City and an Egret loss to Fairline Hill Estates. Should Oberland lose and the Yao Guai lose, the T-51s will clinch a playoff spot.