Today in the CBO
News and Notes - Reports from around the Commonwealth
by Nat Wright-Kowalski
26 July 2297 - Swim Succeeded in Stupidity, Swell-headed Swim
Mass Pike Interchange Robobrains reliever Eric Swim may have learned a lesson in humility the wrong way. While bragging to some teammates and friends that his name is Swim because his family was born natural swimmers who could not get radiation poisoning, a teammate dared him to swim through a toxic pond near Lake Cochituate.
Being unable to back down, Swim swam and swung himself deep radiation poisoning. So deep, in fact, that seven eyeballs spontaneously emerged from his backside, simultaneously surveying in surprise.
Swim will now need to be decontaminated, get those extra eyeballs surgically removed, and probably sign a contract never to swim again. He is out for the remainder of the season.
Fellow reliever Matt Harrell, who was considered to be the main instigator in the dare, has been suspended for one game by the team. Robobrains manager Chris Puzey said he was suspended "mostly for stupidity and caring too much about being right."
On the year, Swim pitched in four games, allowing one earned run on three hits with three walks and five strikeouts in 6.0 innings. The one run allowed was a solo home run by Dusty Glow of the Natick Banks Big Leaguers. We felt it was strangely appropriate to add to this story.