[Westheim]

Raccoons (33-17) vs. Falcons (20-30) – May 31-June 2, 2038

The Falcons were burdened with the unhappy combination of having an endless parade of mediocre to bad starting pitchers, with the second-worst ERA in the Continental League, while also having the worst offense. They were scoring only 3.7 runs per game, which was bad enough, but combined with the bad pitching they just had no hope. The Raccoons were up 2-1 in the season series.

Projected matchups:
Steve Fidler (2-1, 4.32 ERA) vs. Keith Black (4-4, 4.57 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (3-4, 4.66 ERA) vs. Vinny Olguin (1-5, 6.00 ERA)
Bryce Sparkes (5-2, 2.54 ERA) vs. Rafael Pedraza (4-4, 4.95 ERA)

The Raccoons continued to dance out of the way of left-handed starters; again they’d see only right-handers in this series.

Game 1
CHA: 2B O. Aguirre – CF J. Reyna – SS Aparicio – 1B Levis – 3B Farfan – RF Trahan – C K. Morris – LF Aarhus – P K. Black
POR: SS Myers – 2B Vickers – LF M. Fernandez – RF Greenway – CF Maldonado – 3B Ramos – C Morales – 1B Stedham – P Fidler

Worst offense or not – with Steve Fidler on the mound we were concerned about open season being declared on our starter at any time but he actually got a few zeroes up early, while the Raccoons cobbled a run together in the bottom of the first, Maldonado singling home Dave Myers with two outs. In the second, Jesse Stedham actually showed a ******* pulse, going yard to right with Tony Morales on base after a leadoff single, and after Vickers’ double and a walk drawn by Manny Fernandez, Troy Greenway took Keith Black’s soul away with a blast to right-center, his 13th of the season, so now I was actually concerned about broken legs for him.

And yet, ******* Steve Fidler would not get the W. He didn’t get much of anything, except torn to shreds. The Falcons got their start in the fourth with a Myers error, actually the third Raccoons in error in the game, but this was the one that exploded the game. The throwing error gave Kevin Morris two bases and allowed Dave Trahan (double) to score, but it was still 6-1, and Greg Aarhus from Aalborg grounded out, so now there were two outs. From here, Fabien Ugolino, Oscar Aguirre, Jonathan Reyna, Tony Aparicio, and Doug Levis hit an endless stream of singles, narrowing the lead from 6-1 to 6-5, all runs unearned, but honestly, **** that. Fidler was hauled after walking Jose Farfan, then put straight on the next bus to the swamps. David Fernandez struck out Trahan, ending the inning, and I opened another bottle of Capt’n Coma, because I needed it. That, and another starting pitcher.

2-out hits by Manny, Greenway (double), and Maldonado procured two runs in the bottom 4th to re-stretch the lead to 8-5. Ben Feist was sent out for two innings in the sixth and seventh, which worked until it didn’t and the Falcons ripped him for three straight 2-out knocks, getting two runs across to narrow the score to 8-7 again. Yeom Soung got a key K on PH Federico Nuno in the #2 hole to exit that nightmare inning. The Raccoons got Myers and Vickers to the corners in the bottom 8th, but then Manny Fernandez hit into a double play to kill the chance. At least Jermaine Campbell was good for two strikeouts and an easy Aarhus fly to Maldonado to save this klunker of a game. 8-7 Raccoons. Vickers 3-5, 2B; Greenway 3-3, BB, HR, 2B, 4 RBI; Maldonado 3-4, 2 RBI;

Fidler was gone. His ERA was now under four, but he was a nightmare. Five unearned runs? He sure had a paw in them!

The Raccoons didn’t bring up a starter right away; with Thursday off, they could get around a fifth starter until next week. Instead we duplicated Rich Vickers, bringing up Jose Brito, batting .335 with 8 homers in St. Petersburg.

Game 2
CHA: 2B O. Aguirre – C Sawyer – 3B Farfan – SS Aparicio – 1B Regan – RF Trahan – CF J. Reyna – LF Ugolino – P Olguin
POR: 3B Ramos – SS Myers – LF M. Fernandez – RF Greenway – CF Maldonado – 2B Brito – 1B Stedham – C Kilmer – P Chavez

Come Tuesday, the Raccoons couldn’t get anybody out in the second inning. Aparicio, Greg Regan, and Trahan opened with straight hits, eventually amounting to two runs, while Bernie Chavez also walked Ugolino and Aguirre before Mike Sawyer mercifully popped out on a 3-1 pitch, stranding three. Bernie was yelled at a bit between innings, I was yelled at by Maud for accidentally discharging the blunderbuss into the drywall (I was aiming at Stedham, who dropped a feed from Myers in the third inning for an error), and the Raccoons took their sweet time to get going. In the fourth inning they had Myers on base leading off, and when Manny Fernandez grounded to Aguirre, the Gold Glover threw the ball well past Tony Aparicio for a 2-base error. And then with runners in scoring position and nobody out, Greenway popped out, Maldonado hit a comebacker, and Brito flew out to center, and nobody scored. The agony was … the agony was there.

Top 6th, the score was still 2-0 when Dave Trahan hit a leadoff single off Chavez. Our pitcher threw away Reyna’s bunt, and after a fielder’s choice grounder, Olguin was down 0-2, then ripped an RBI double to left. That was it for Bernie, and the Falcons packed five total on him with the single Aguirre whacked off Antonio Prieto. The Raccoons scratched out a meaningless run in the bottom of the inning, Jose Brito getting his first RBI of the season, and then Myers gave it back with another stupid error behind Garavito, conceding an unearned run in the seventh. By the seventh inning stretch, the team looked dead. Olguin got Kilmer on a grounder to begin the eighth, then gave up a single to Ed Hooge, pinch-hitting in the #9 hole. Berto singled, Myers hit a gapper for a 2-run double, and Fernandez shoved an RBI single to right, and suddenly Greenway was up as the tying run, but grounded out. Fernandez advanced there, then again on a wild pitch, then scored on Maldonado’s single, 6-5. Brad Ledford hit for Brito, but grounded out.

David Fernandez was promptly raided for a 3-run homer by Tony Aparicio in the ninth inning, putting the Raccoons back by slam depth again. Bottom 9th? Stedham and Kilmer reached base to lead off. Elijah Williams popped out. The Falcons frantically changed pitchers here, bringing the left-hander Daniel Miller against Berto. Ramos put the 2-2 in play, Aparicio fumbled it, and the bases were loaded for Myers. Lorenzo Campos was the fourth reliever of the inning, but gave up an RBI single to Dave Myers, as everybody went station by station. That brought up the good bats in a winning-run position and with one out; Manny ran a full count before taking ball four low, forcing home a run, 9-7. Troy Greenway never got nearly as far, getting nicked by an 0-1 pitch, again shoving everybody on by 90 feet, 9-8. Maldonado was next, and slapped a 1-2 pitch up the middle – neither infielder reached it, RBI single, tied ballgame!! Holy …!! The #6 slot held the pitcher Fernandez, who might end up winning if he could get Manny across. Tony Morales pinch-hit, the last lefty option on the bench (besides Steve Nickas, ha-hah). Morales struck out. Stedham popped out. The rally died, and we went to extra innings…

Top 10th, Dennis Citriniti put on Nuno with a single past Ramos, Andres Santana on a walk, and Aguirre by drilling him with two outs. Sawyer dished a drive to center – but Maldonado remained master of that ball. Portland did nothing, and Citriniti gave up leadoff singles in the 11th to put two on, then somehow got a pop and a double play. Then the Raccoons’ turn to load the bases was up. Manny hit a 1-out single, then stole second base off Ernie Quintero. Greenway was walked intentionally, and Maldonado was nicked, and at this point you didn’t know whether the pitchers were this inept or were doing it with intent. Rich Vickers hit for Citriniti, with any deep fly good enough. He hit a hard grounder to Aparicio, who killed Manny at home before Stedham ran a full count and somehow flicked a 2-out single into left to end the miserable charade. 10-9 Blighters. Myers 2-4, 2 BB, 2B, 2 RBI; M. Fernandez 2-5, BB, 3 RBI; Maldonado 2-5, 2 RBI; Stedham 3-5, BB, 2B, RBI; Hooge (PH) 1-1; Citriniti 2.0 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 0 K, W (3-0);

I would like to say that a win is a win is a win, but I can’t get it out.

Maybe after another bottle of booze and another pawful of these muscle relaxants.

Game 3
CHA: CF J. Reyna – C Sawyer – 3B Farfan – SS Aparicio – RF Trahan – 2B A. Santana – 1B Ugolino – LF Nuno – P Pedraza
POR: 3B Myers – 2B Vickers – LF M. Fernandez – RF Greenway – CF Maldonado – C Morales – SS Williams – 1B Stedham – P Sparkes

All I did was ask Bryce Sparkes for decency. I got a Sawyer single and an Aparicio homer right in the first. Sparkes had no decency to offer, being behind most hitters, and giving up another run on two hits in the third inning. The rest of the team? Not much better. Greenway was on in the bottom 2nd. Morales doubled him off. Pedraza saw the minimum the first time through, and also in the fourth. By the fifth, the Falcons were up 5-0 thanks to another Sawyer single and Dave Trahan’s homer to center. Dead center at that. Portland had Maldonado and Morales on with one out in the bottom 5th, then saw Williams hit into a 6-4-3 double play.

The only vague offense was a pinch-hit double by Ed Hooge in the sixth inning, which led to a run on a Vickers single. Apart from that we could point at scoreless relief by Garavito and Feist after six sparky innings by Bryce Shambles, and that was about it. Well – and then the middle of the order came up in he bottom 9th against Pedraza, who got a grounder from Vickers, then saw Manny reach on a Santana error, and gave up a single to Greenway. Josh Livingston, the ex-Coon, replaced him, and gave up a single to Maldonado. Bases full, tying run at the plate, but Morales hadn’t gotten it done the day before, either. He didn’t this time, either, swatting a grounder into a 4-6-3 double play. 5-1 Falcons. Greenway 2-4; Maldonado 3-4; Hooge (PH) 1-1, 2B; Garavito 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 1 BB, 2 K;

Our rotation is racing to the bottom of the table…

Raccoons (35-18) vs. Canadiens (30-21) – June 4-6, 2038

The Raccoons’ rotation was not really in a position to play the most odorous team in baseball, but the schedule demanded a 3-game set on the weekend. That most odorous team was four games behind and in third place, and was up 3-2 in the season set, so we had to scratch and claw and not let them get closer. These were the two teams with the most runs scored, but other than us they actually had decent defense and good pitching. They were second in runs allowed, with a +83 run differential, which was reason to be scared. The Raccoons’ was down to +49 after the Falcons set.

Projected matchups:
Jared Ottinger (4-1, 3.61 ERA) vs. Matt Sealock (5-2, 3.86 ERA)
Raffaello Sabre (4-3, 4.07 ERA) vs. Alexander Lewis (2-4, 2.83 ERA)
Bernie Chavez (3-4, 4.99 ERA) vs. David Arias (5-3, 2.62 ERA)

Southpaw on Saturday!

Game 1
VAN: 2B Morrow – 1B J. Lopez – CF Outram – C Clemente – RF R. Phillips – SS Cabral – LF LeJeune – 3B Schneider – P Sealock
POR: SS Myers – 2B Vickers – LF M. Fernandez – RF Greenway – CF Maldonado – 3B Ramos – 1B Stedham – C Morales – P Ottinger

The #1 and #2 offenses in the CL offered no runs the first time through, with only Jerry Outram reaching base with a 2-out triple over Maldonado in the first inning. Calm before the storm – the fourth began with Johnny Lopez and Outram whacking singles, then a 3-run bomb by Timóteo Clemente. Jesse LeJeune, the dismal ****head, hit a single with two outs, stole second, and scored on Brian Schneider’s single, giving them a 4-0 lead. (reaches for Cristiano Carmona’s hand) I just… Cristiano, I just want to hold this for a while…

Ottinger did not allow more runs, but also only lasted six innings and struck out only one batter, the opposing pitcher in a glue-like outing. The Raccoons had all of three base hits during his tenure, which included a solo homer by Greenway in the fifth, and also one Maldonado single that immediately led to Clemente throwing out a base stealer… They didn’t get anything off Sealock in the seventh and eighth, with righty Tim Zimmerman replacing the starter only in the bottom of the ninth. A pinch-hit single by Jose Brito and Manny Fernandez getting nailed with two outs brought up Greenway as the tying run, and Greenway found a hanger and hung it in a new place, 12 rows up in the rightfield stands. (jumps up still grabbing Cristiano’s paw and throws hands in the air, ripping Cristiano out of his seat) HOME RUN!! HOME RUN!! HOME RUN!! TIED BALLGAME!!

…which led to extras when new pitcher Marcos Ochoa got Maldonado to ground out. With four left-handers in the next five hitters for Vancouver, Yeom Soung got the ball in the 10th. Outram singled. Timóteo Clemente (not a lefty bat) walked. Then Soung, without moving a facial muscle, struck out three, including a pair of righty pinch-hitters, Pat Pohl and Edgar Serrano. The Raccoons made two outs against Ochoa to begin the bottom 10th before Morales hit a ball off the fence for a double. Hooge flicked a single to left, and Morals had gone on contact and scored two steps ahead of Outram’s throw. It’s a walkoff!! 5-4 Raccoons!! Brito (PH) 1-1; Greenway 2-4, 2 HR, 4 RBI;

Dr. Chung? I think I tore Cristiano’s arm from the shoulder socket. – Well, I was excited! – I see, I see, Dr. Chung. They don’t like excited in Pyongyang, huh?

Game 2
VAN: 2B Morrow – 1B J. Lopez – CF Outram – C Clemente – RF R. Phillips – SS Cabral – LF LeJeune – 3B Schneider – P A. Lewis
POR: 3B Myers – 1B Vickers – LF M. Fernandez – CF Maldonado – RF Greenway – 2B Brito – SS Williams – C Kilmer – P Sabre

As usual, the Coons fell behind, with Sabre giving up two hits for a run in the second inning, and that was with the revolting thorn in our sides LeJeune being robbed in the gap by Maldonado. Sabre made it up to us, finding Williams and Kilmer on the corners with two outs in the bottom 2nd and hitting a duck snort for a game-tying single. Myers legged out an infield single to load the bases for Vickers, still hitting .321 now with more regular appearances, but his fly to left ended up with LeJeune. Maldonado would also rob Jerry Outram in deep center in the fifth inning, and in between Greenway also made a heroic play in right. The Elks only got three hits in five innings, but they also hit quite a few balls that looked like damage that didn’t do any…

After a Ryan Phillips single and a walk to LeJeune (grumble grumble) in the sixth, Brian Schneider grounded out to short, stranding two. At that point, the teams were tied with four hits and one run each. Lewis retired the meat of the Critters’ order in the bottom 6th, while Sabre got three grounders from the 9-1-2 hitters in the seventh. Brito hit a deep fly to center in the bottom 7th, but the ball was caught by Outram racing back. Sabre would end up with a no-decision; he got two more outs in the eighth from Outram and Phillips, but after 102 pitches and three lefty bats up, the Raccoons pulled the plug on him. With #9 leading off in the bottom 8th, a double switch removed Brito for Stedham (with Vickers to his usual position), and Soung coming in to pitch. Phillips grounded out to end the inning, and Soung kept the tie in a kempt state through regulation, with the damn Elks sticking to Lewis in the bottom 9th, with the meat of the order back up. Manny grounded out, but Maldonado singled in the infield fashion. Greenway then got doubled up, sending another game to extra innings…

There, the Critters stuck to Soung with Fernando Alba pinch-hitting. He gave up a single, but got a groundout from the next left-hander, Jacob Kolbe, batting first. Prieto then replaced him, walked Johnny Lopez, and allowed two singles and a run to break the tie… Phillips grounded out to end the inning. Prieto had entered in a double switch, with Ledford leading off the bottom 10th and Greenway gone. Ledford doubled off Tim Zimmerman, Berto hit for Williams, shot a liner – but right at Alex Perez at short for the first out. Thankfully Ledford was alert and stepped back to the base immediately. No such problems with Jeff Kilmer. His fly to right was well and truly gone, for ANOTHER extra-inning walkoff!! 3-2 Critters!! Ledford 1-1, 2B; Kilmer 2-4, HR, 2 RBI; Sabre 7.2 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 4 BB, 4 K and 1-2, RBI; Soung 2.0 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

(breathless)

Alright, yes, Cristiano. I‘ll bring you to the elevator. – (pushes Cristiano with arm in sling towards the door, then on the turn rams his knee into the door frame) – I am very … is that blood? – Dr. Chung? – DR. CHU-HUNG??

Game 3
VAN: 2B Morrow – 1B J. Lopez – CF Outram – C Clemente – RF R. Phillips – SS Cabral – LF LeJeune – 3B Schneider – P D. Arias
POR: 3B Ramos – SS Maldonado – CF Hooge – RF Greenway – LF Ledford – 2B Vickers – 1B Stedham – C Morales – P Chavez

Would Bernie finally not suck? He stranded runners on the corners in the first, and got a 1-0 lead when Troy Greenway continued to destroy pitching with a solo homer to right. Bernie remained wobbly though; Morrow walked and Outram singled in the third, but were stranded, but in the fourth the Elks’ 5-6-7 went single, double, RBI single to open the inning, tying the game in the process. Bernie got a crucial K against Brian Schneider, Arias made a poor out, and the go-ahead runs were stranded when Morrow grounded out to Ramos. Troy Greenway shrugged, homered, and it was 2-1 with one gone in the bottom 4th. Ledford and Vickers both hit deep flies to left, but both were caught by LeJeune. Outram singled with one out in the fifth, but was caught stealing, and Bernie Chavez kept his pokey black nose above water despite the Raccoons being out-hit 6-3. Morales and Ramos hit singles in the bottom 5th, but in between Bernie Chavez forced out Morales with a bad bunt, and nobody scored.

Bernie was done after six, having conceded just the one run on seven hits. He also struck out seven, which amounted to 104 pitches through six innings, which was quite a bit much. Prieto had a clean seventh, after which the wheels were about coming off. Outram, unretired in this game and hitting .423 overall now (…!), hit a leadoff single off Garavito, who got two outs and a Ramos error behind him that didn’t ******* help anything. With Edgar Serrano pinch-hitting for LeJeune, Citriniti came in over Garavito, good stuff against inconsistent contact in the money spot. Strikeout, inning over. Top 9th, Campbell struck out Schneider, then walked Alba, who was run for by Alex Perez, while Jacob Kolbe hit for Morrow again. The third full count of the inning saw a fly out to deep center, and Perez raced for second base when Hooge’s momentum took him near the warning track. Johnny Lopez grounded out to Stedham, completing the sweep! 2-1 Critters! Ramos 3-4; Greenway 2-3, 2 HR, 2 RBI; Chavez 6.0 IP, 7 H, 1 R 1, ER 2 BB; 7 K, W (4-4);

In other news

June 2 – The Condors put 10 runs on the Crusaders in the first inning, then cruise to a 12-1 win. TIJ RF/LF/1B Giacomino Vitalini (.333, 4 HR, 11 RBI) has three hits, two homers and a triple, and drives in four runs.
June 5 – CHA 2B/SS Oscar Aguirre (.238, 1 HR, 27 RBI) was off to the DL with a sore shoulder. He was expected back at the end of the month.
June 6 – TOP SP Miguel Alvarado (5-5, 4.32 ERA) 3-hits the Rebels in a 3-0 shutout.
June 6 – The Loggers put four runs on the Titans in the first inning, then nothing more in the next 16 innings before 1B Travis Park (.242, 2 HR, 5 RBI) hits a 2-run home run off Sean Bastone (0-0, 6.35 ERA) in the top of the 18th, leading to a 6-4 Loggers win.

FL Player of the Week: SAL INF Jose Castro (.225, 6 HR, 22 RBI), hitting .393 (11-28) with 4 HR, 9 RBI
CL Player of the Week: VAN OF Jerry Outram (.423, 9 HR, 40 RBI), hitting .667 (18-27) with 1 HR, 1 RBI

FL Hitter of the Month: SFW LF/1B/RF Melvin Hernandez (.369, 6 HR, 32 RBI), hitting .409, 3 HR, 23 RBI
CL Hitter of the Month: MIL SS/2B Ted Del Vecchio (.365, 3 HR, 40 RBI), hitting .396, 2 HR, 25 RBI
FL Pitcher of the Month: SFW SP Zach Warner (6-0, 3.00 ERA), hurling 5-0, 2.13 ERA
CL Pitcher of the Month: MIL MR Carlos Padilla (6-0, 2.52 ERA), relieving at 6-0, 1.50 ERA
FL Rookie of the Month: SAL 1B/LF/RF Jose Rivera (.333, 9 HR, 28 RBI), hitting .315, 5 HR, 17 RBI
CL Rookie of the Month: SFB RF/LF/1B Dave Martinez (.270, 11 HR, 32 RBI), hitting .236, 6 HR, 19 RBI

Complaints and stuff

(tries to feed Cristiano soup) Cristiano, you have to stop crying, you’re making a mess. – Yes, I’m sorry. – Yes, for the shoulder. – And the leg. – And that I poured your painkillers into my booze as soon as Bernie put a guy on base.

Troy Greenway won the Friday game mostly by himself; while the walkoff job was done by Hooge, that was only because Greenway didn’t come up in extras. That was also the 54th game of the year, marking one third of the season completed. At that point, Greenway had 53 RBI. Merely on pace for 159! Sunday was of course all Greenway.

For these reasons, the Raccoons will be renamed the Portland Greenways.

Of course, hitting five homers and driving in 11 this week got him no love from the braindead electorate, who made a ******* stupid Elk Player of the Week over him. Greenway hit .455, for ****’s sake!!

And for breaking news – the Raccoons’ defense and pitching is still dead. That is the rotation; the pen is doing just fine. They posted a 4.15 ERA as a group this week. That doesn’t include the five unearned runs off Fidler, the insufferable sod. They were giving up 5.45 runs per nine innings.

No off day next week, with four games in Boston and then three at home against the Warriors. We will bring up Gene Tennis for Jose Brito to take the open slot in the rotation. It’s not what anybody wants – besides maybe Gene Tennis’ mom.

Fun Fact: Jerry Outram is hitting .423/.502/.635 with 9 HR and 40 RBI in a dazzling display of offense at age 23.

It worms me greatly that he’s with the enemy, and shoved us ELEVEN hits in the three games this weekend. You know, what’s funny? Yes, he hit .786, yada-yada. But he drove in no runs and scored only once!

*Last* time around, he hit .333 (4-12) in a 3-game set, drove in nobody, and scored only once. In fact he hasn’t drive in a run against Portland in seven straight games, after hitting two homers and driving in five on Opening Day against us.