[Westheim]

There was a roster move … in the front office!

Gustaf, are you not too oily? What if Igor, the Nagorno-Karabakhian, and Nick Valdes’ other henchmen slip right through your hands as you try to defend me? – Ah, I see. – Yes. That sounds logical. – No, they can’t get away when you break them in half.

The Raccoons! Only hiring the best people. Including for the GM’s personal protection.

Raccoons (19-17) vs. Indians (14-23) – May 18-21, 2043

The Indians were frightful, locked into last place and well the worst team in runs scored in the CL, plating only 3.4 markers per game. They were average at conceding runs, which in turn meant that they were losing plenty. And then they were even in the upper half in home runs, f.e., but that .238 team batting average was somewhat gruesome and couldn’t be overcome with 26 home runs (t-4th and one dinger ahead of Portland) alone. We had won the season series three years running, with a 10-8 record last year.

Projected matchups:
Jason Wheatley (2-4, 3.00 ERA) vs. Luke Moses (1-4, 5.06 ERA)
Corey Mathers (4-3, 2.83 ERA) vs. Ayden Cobb (2-0, 2.84 ERA)
Cory Lambert (0-3, 4.37 ERA) vs. Orlando Altreche (2-3, 3.08 ERA)
Jake Jackson (4-2, 3.66 ERA) vs. Bill Drury (2-5, 5.21 ERA)

Their starters were all right-handed. Their only significant injury was outfielder Nick Crocker, who was out with a broken foot.

Game 1
IND: 2B E. Vargas – RF M. Ochoa – 3B Hutson – 1B Huber – CF B. Quinteros – SS A. Avila – LF Galvan – C J. Rose – P Moses
POR: 2B Carreno – RF Nettles – CF Maldonado – LF Fernandez – 1B Yamamoto – 3B de Wit – C Kilmer – SS Castro – P Wheatley

Wheatley retired the first six Indians he faced, then gave up back-to-back doubles to Nelson Galvan and Jacob Rose to begin the third inning. Both runners scored with two productive outs, while the Raccoons also got back-to-back doubles in the inning from, funnily enough, Wheatley and Carreno, but with one out, and without the benefit of a clutch hit either, and so Carreno was stranded in scoring position. The Indians tacked on two more runs in the fourth, as Dan Hutson hit a leadoff double and Bill Quinteros walked, then stole second, and Galvan clipped a 2-run single with two outs. The Coons would put a runner on base in each of their next four offensive innings and scored none of them through a combination of double plays, getting caught stealing, or just plain simply stinking. Wheatley was still behind 4-1 when he left after seven. Only a leadoff jack by Carreno in the bottom 8th got them back on the board and shortened the gap to 4-2. Maldonado joined in with another solo shot off Moses in the same inning, and Manny Fernandez hit a single, but was stranded. Seth Green and Jon Craig kept the Indians to their four runs, and the Raccoons had thus one more run to make up in the ninth (while leading vastly in base hits, 11-7) against right-hander Ruben Vela… and with the bottom of the order. Kilmer, Gutierrez, and Anderson made outs in order to give the game away. 4-3 Indians. Carreno 3-4, HR, 2B, 2 RBI; Maldonado 2-4, HR, 2B, RBI; Fernandez 2-4, 2B; de Wit 2-4;

The ****** team hit for 21 total bases and still managed to land only three runs…

Say, Gustaf, can you also protect me against bad baseball? – Too bad.

Game 2
IND: SS Russ – RF M. Ochoa – 3B Hutson – LF D. Rivera – 1B Huber – 2B E. Vargas – CF Galvan – C J. Rose – P Cobb
POR: 2B Carreno – 3B Jimenez – 1B Maldonado – LF Fernandez – C Sieber – CF Anderson – RF Waltz – SS Castro – P Mathers

Both teams had one base hit the first time through and only two base hits by the end of five innings. On the plus side, they weren’t exactly wasting anybody’s time. Nobody reached third base on their own merit until the bottom of the sixth, when Maldonado zinged a triple into the gap in left-center and reached their with one out. In a scoreless game, the Indians wanted no part of Manny Fernandez, walking him intentionally to get to Sean Sieber, who rolled a 1-0 pitch through the right side between Enrique Vargas and Adam Huber to bring in Maldo with the game’s first run and send Manny to third base. Van Anderson hit a sac fly to center, 2-0, while Justin Waltz grounded out poorly, which was something we were used to.

Mathers then walked Galvan and PH Roger Custello in the seventh inning and departed with the tying runs aboard and two down. Alex Ramirez then got a groundout from Andrew Russ on the only pitch he threw in this game, curtailing the Indians’ rally. Chuck Jones got the eighth and allowed a leadoff single to Mario Ochoa, but struck out Hutson, a right-hander, before getting Danny Rivera to wrap things up in a 4-6-3 double play. Portland then filled the bases in the bottom of the eighth in a slow ordeal that consisted of Ricky Jimenez’ leadoff double, a drilled Maldo, and an infield single by Van Anderson after two glacially slow outs against Chris Manley. Jay de Wit batted for the hopeless Waltz, took a 1-0 pitch to the thigh, and limped to first base, bitterly bickering, but no fight broke out while Jimenez scored with the third run of the game. Castro grounded out, leaving the remains to be picked up by Josh Rella. Adam Huber whiffed, Vargas grounded out, and Galvan lined out to Jimenez to end the game. 3-0 Raccoons. Maldonado 2-3, BB, 3B; Anderson 1-2, RBI; de Wit (PH) 0-0, RBI; Mathers 6.2 IP, 3 H, 0 R, 3 BB, 5 K, W (5-3);

Game 3
IND: SS Russ – RF M. Ochoa – 3B Hutson – LF D. Rivera – 1B Zuazo – CF B. Quinteros – 2B Sanderfer – C Custello – P Altreche
POR: 2B Carreno – 3B Jimenez – CF Maldonado – LF Fernandez – RF Nettles – 1B Yamamoto – C Sieber – SS Castro – P Lambert

Carreno hit another leadoff jack, this time in the first inning, which was surprising, given that it was his fourth of the year, tied Maldo for second on the team list, and power hadn’t exactly been advertised in his scouting report. The Indians were *extremely* eager to put the ball in play against Lambert, who threw only 47 pitches through five innings, whiffed five, walked none, and allowed three hits, two of which dissolved themselves in separate baserunning incidents. On the other paw, the Carreno homer was the only Raccoons hit in the game until Sieber legged out an infield single with two outs in the bottom 5th on which a fumbling Andrew Russ could have been reasonably assessed a half-error. Castro then flew out to Quinteros to make the point moot.

Lambert worked fine on the mound until he didn’t, and the collapse game rather abruptly. He struck out two more in the sixth, then was taken deep by Hutson in the seventh inning to tie the game. Danny Rivera singled, Alvin Zuazo doubled him home, and Indianapolis had the lead. The Raccoons continued to do nothing, while Hutson would hit another homer off Zack Kelly in the ninth inning. Ruben Vela was brought out for the save opportunity in the bottom 9th, holding a 2-run lead against the top of the order. Carreno struck out. Jimenez lined out. Maldo singled…! …and Manny grounded out. 3-1 Indians. Lambert 8.0 IP, 7 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 0 BB, 7 K, L (0-4);

Dire.

Game 4
IND: SS Russ – RF M. Ochoa – 3B Hutson – LF D. Rivera – 1B Zuazo – CF B. Quinteros – 2B Sanderfer – C J. Rose – P Drury
POR: 2B Carreno – 3B Jimenez – CF Maldonado – LF Fernandez – 1B Yamamoto – RF Anderson – C Kilmer – SS Gutierrez – P Jackson

The Arrowheads lost Andrew Russ to injury in the first inning, with Adam Huber filling in afterwards, but also loaded the bases with nobody out in the second inning as Jake Jackson was soul-searching and also zone-searching. Rivera, Zuazo, and Quinteros were stranded when Alex Sanderfer popped out and Jason Rose hit into a double play. Instead the Raccoons scored first when Van Anderson reached on a throwing error by Adam Huber that was good for two bases, then came around on Kilmer’s single to left-center. The unearned 1-0 lead didn’t stand, mostly because Jackson continued to be utter dog **** and getting whacked around for four hits in the third inning, including a leadoff double by the ******* opposing pitcher, and a pair of 2-run homers by Ochoa and Zuazo. The Coons countered with loading the bases and looking menacingly in the bottom of the third as Drury glanced a baseball off Ricky Jimenez, then conceded singles to Maldo and Manny, all with one out, but then contained themselves with a Yamamoto sac fly and Anderson grounding out…

While the Raccoons then hit into a double play whenever somebody reached base by accident (like Yamamoto on an error in the sixth), Jackson went seven, but still found time to allow another double to the opposing pitcher. Bottom 7th, Carreno walked and Jimenez singled, but with two outs, and Maldonado grounded out to short. Instead the Indians tacked on a run in the eighth when Sauerkraut retired nobody and departed with the bases loaded and nobody out. Alex Ramirez allowed a sac fly to Quinteros for the extra run, then walked Vargas with two outs. Jason Rose grounded out to short to end the inning with the score now 5-2. Manny drew a leadoff walk in the bottom 8th, then was immediately doubled off by Yamamoto. Vela was at it again in the bottom 9th, but brought the tying run to the plate in Carreno after a pair of 1-out hits by Gutierrez and Nettles, the latter pinch-hitting for Chuck Jones. Carreno grounded out. Jimenez grounded out. 5-2 Indians. Jimenez 2-4; Gutierrez 2-4, 2B; Nettles (PH) 1-1;

Maud, I don’t think I mind the assassins anymore.

Justin Waltz, now a career .186 hitter (.180 this year) with a Nick Landoesque career OPS of .504, was axed after this traumatic series loss. The Raccoons promoted switch-hitting Jose Casas, hitting .297 with five homers (two this week) in St. Petersburg.

Raccoons (20-20) vs. Condors (10-31) – May 22-24, 2043

Wretched? Yeah. But probably good for two out of three against the shambolic Coons. The Condors were tied with the Critters for ninth in runs scored and were 11th in runs allowed (us: 2nd), with an unhealthy -64 run differential (yours truly: flat zilch). Their rotation was the worst with an ERA well over five. The pen was only marginally better. Their defense was creaky, they had the lowest team OBP in the league at .307, but were hitting the third-most homers, so I had no concerns for them to get out of their .244 hole, and .200 for their last 15 games. Last year, Tijuana won six of nine from the Raccoons.

Projected matchups:
Brent Clark (3-2, 4.53 ERA) vs. Edward Flinn (1-4, 4.79 ERA)
Jason Wheatley (2-5, 3.33 ERA) vs. Adam Howell (0-3, 5.76 ERA)
Corey Mathers (5-3, 2.48 ERA) vs. Matt Schwartz (1-2, 2.80 ERA)

Three more right-handers, as we missed their southpaw and worst punching bag, Tommy “Kitten” Kubik (1-6, 7.74 ERA) by a day.

Game 1
TIJ: 3B Barcia – RF Willie Ojeda – LF Toohey – 2B J. Matos – C Black – SS Kilgallen – CF R. Phillips – 1B Gibbs – P Flinn
POR: 2B Carreno – 3B Jimenez – 1B Maldonado – LF Fernandez – RF Casas – CF Anderson – C Kilmer – SS Castro – P Clark

Flinn ran four 3-ball counts in the first inning, resulting in a Carreno walk, a flyout to left, and two whiffs. That was already as much drama as a non-pitching Raccoon managed to create, with Brent Clark scattering a rich selection of runners, but the Condors being too inept to score anything from their two hits, two walks, two hit batters, and one error (Carreno) in the first five innings. Seven K’s through five innings surely helped Clark, too. The Raccoons barely landed two base hits, and didn’t reach scoring position through five.

While there was also on-and-off rain, that didn’t do in Clark, but three straight 2-out singles in the sixth did. Bryce Toohey, Jesus Matos, and Terry Black managed to get three hits in a row, and Toohey scored the game’s first run. Ex-Coon Matt Kilgallen grounded out, while the Raccoons then loaded the bases in the bottom 6th on a Maldonado single, a walk to Manny, and a 2-out error by Kilgallen that added Van Anderson after Casas struck out to fall to 0-for-3 for his career. Flinn walked in the tying run against Kilmer, then gave up an RBI single to Jose Castro to fall 2-1 behind. Clark batted for himself and grounded out, then struck out the side in the seventh, attempting to prove that he was worth it. Portland tacked on a run in the bottom of the inning, with Carreno getting on, stealing his way to third base, and then coming home on Manny’s sac fly. Clark came back out for the eighth inning, got a fly out from Willie Ojeda, but that was the only lefty hitter he could hope to see here and then he was lifted on 106 pitches. He had struck out a dozen and got a sizable applause from a thin crowd. Jon Craig replaced him, retired none of the two batters he faced, then was bailed out by Ramirez with the tying runs aboard. Rella offered a walk to Ron Gibbs in the ninth inning, but the remaining Condors made three poor outs on easy grounders and a pop over the infield. 3-1 Coons. Castro 2-3, BB, RBI; Clark 7.1 IP, 5 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 12 K, W (4-2);

Well, at least the pitcher was on… (shrugs)

With no off day until next Thursday, and no lefty coming up either, the Racccoons offered a seat to veteran Manny Fernandez on Saturday.

Game 2
TIJ: CF Phinazee – RF Willie Ojeda – LF Toohey – 1B Gibbs – 2B J. Matos – 3B Barcia – C Black – SS C. Rose – P Howell
POR: 2B Carreno – LF Nettles – 3B Jimenez – CF Maldonado – RF Casas – C Kilmer – 1B Yamamoto – SS Castro – P Wheatley

Wheats struck out three in the first inning! …… while getting whacked for three hits and a walk, with two runs across, first a solo shot by Ojeda, and then a pile of runners gradually pushing each other forwards in one slow drag. He never got any better than that, consistently shuffling runners on base and threatening to drown in them in four of the five innings he pitched – the Condors went 1-2-3 only in the fourth. He was done on 101 pitches after five, with the Condors up 3-1 in the middle of the fifth thanks to solo jacks exchanged between Jose Castro and Bryce Toohey.

Jose Casas got his first major league hit, a single, in his sixth attempt in the fourth inning, but that inning led nowhere. He drew his first walk his next time up in the sixth inning, then as part of a 4-5-6 group that loaded the bases with one out against Howell. Yamamoto then whiffed, and Castro grounded out to Matos to strand everybody. In the seventh, Carreno and Manny (pinch-hitting for the pitcher in the #2 hole) had singles, and then Ricky Jimenez had a 5-4-3 bouncer to make it all go away. Doubles by Chris Rose and Willie Ojeda off Craig and Jones, respectively, scored a tack-on run for Tijuana in the ninth inning, not that it mattered. Against lefty Mario Benavidez, they went down in order in the ninth inning. 4-1 Condors. Carreno 3-4; Fernandez (PH) 1-1; Maldonado 2-4;

Mal Phinazee had a platinum sombrero in the leadoff spot.

The Raccoons merely sucked all the fun out of baseball.

Game 3
TIJ: CF Phinazee – RF Willie Ojeda – LF Toohey – 1B Gibbs – 2B J. Matos – 3B Barcia – C Pasko – SS C. Rose – P Schwartz
POR: 2B Carreno – 3B Jimenez – CF Maldonado – LF Fernandez – RF Anderson – 1B Casas – C Sieber – SS Castro – P Mathers

On the seventh day, Corey Mathers divined to allow leadoff singles to Gibbs and Matos in the second inning, advance them with a wild pitch, and then concede their associated runs with a single up the middle to Mark Pasko and a Rose sac fly, digging himself a 2-0 hole that he would be impossible to retrieve from. The Coons got a free runner at second base in the bottom 2nd with Manny drilled by Matt Schwartz and sent to second on a wild pitch, but Van Anderson popped out and the next two pokers whiffed. Top 3rd, leadoff walk to Phinazee, then immediately an RBI double by Willie Ojeda to center. Toohey hit another double to right-center, 4-0, and Gibbs and Barcia singled to get another run home. Mathers was unceremoniously yanked after he walked Pasko to fill the bases with one out. Zack Kelly conceded another run on Rose’s groundout, while Schwartz struck out. Down 6-0, the Raccoons could have kept playing until next Wednesday, and couldn’t have rallied…

The only heroics that could be made out would be Kelly’s, who pitched 3.2 innings in twilight relief for no greater good, but at least didn’t concede more runs to add to the pounding. The Coons had one base hit against seven strikeouts through five innings, a Manny solo homer to center in the fourth. Van Anderson threw out a guy at home plate in the seventh when Sauerkraut struggled once again to get anybody out. Apart from those “highlights” Matt Schwartz completed a 3-hit shutout. 6-1 Condors. Fernandez 1-2, HR, RBI; de Wit (PH) 1-2; Kelly 3.2 IP, 1 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K;

In other news

May 19 – Scoreless through regulation, the Gold Sox scratch out two runs in the 10th inning of their game against the Wolves, getting away with a 2-0 road win.
May 22 – A crumpled ankle will put OCT INF Al Martell (.315, 0 HR, 20 RBI) out of action for most of the remaining season.
May 23 – RIC MR Alex Banderas (3-2, 3.00 ERA, 1 SV) gets a rare save opportunity and converts it for his 300th career save. The 32-year-old shuts down the Stars for a 4-3 win. Banderas was a closer for the Loggers, Indians, and Blue Sox in his career, and had gone 54-70 with a 3.97 ERA.
May 24 – SP Josh Long (3-0, 3.40 ERA) lasted all of 1.1 innings in his Gold Sox debut before coming out with a torn rotator cuff that would probably cost him the rest of the season, only a week after being acquired from the Condors for five prospects.
May 24 – Ruptured finger tendons might put LAP SP Tommy Iezzi (3-2, 3.65 ERA) out for the season.
May 24 – IND INF/LF Andrew Russ (.210, 0 HR, 10 RBI) will miss three weeks with an oblique strain.
May 24 – VAN OF Jerry Outram (.400, 3 HR, 15 RBI) is listed as day-to-day with a concussion.

FL Player of the Week: NAS 2B/SS Billy Bouldin (.320, 1 HR, 24 RBI), hitting .464 (13-28) with 1 HR, 7 RBI
CL Player of the Week: IND 3B Dan Hutson (.241, 10 HR, 24 RBI), swatting .417 (10-24) with 4 HR, 5 RBI

Complaints and stuff

This was the ********* ******* *** week in quite a while. I am frankly fed up with the team a bit here, tied for bottoms in runs scored in the league as they are now, but I have figured out a plan that will make them annoy me a whole lot less.

Maud has booked me onto the team flight to the next beating on the calendar in Vegas, but I’ll just abscond at the airport and board the flight to Cochabamba instead, just to get away from it all. - No, Gustaf, thank you, but I won't need your services and oiliness in Cochabamba. - It's the last place Nick Valdes and Igor, the Nagorno-Karabakhian, would look for me.

There I will then live, in a hut covered with banana leaves, wearing the same colorful woven skirt every day, and living off the land. In piece and tranquility.

Give or take the occasional earthquake, volcano, or military coup burning everything to the ground.

Fun Fact: Jose Casas is from Panama, like Cookie Carmona.

I hope the Panamanians figured out the brittle bits in their players by now…

…and that he can maybe hit more than .100 against big league pitching.