[Westheim]

Raccoons (20-25) @ Aces (16-28) – May 24-26, 2050

While the Raccoons had issues, the Aces probably had more; they were bottoms in runs scored (3.6 per game) *and* runs allowed (5.2 a game). Worst defense, worst rotation by ERA, second from the bottom in batting average. It was rough watching! Wouldn’t it been nice to actually win a season series from them? We had not done so since 2047, dropping five of nine games each of the last two years.

Projected matchups:
Jason Wheatley (2-4, 4.53 ERA) vs. Larry Broad (1-6, 6.50 ERA)
Bubba Wolinsky (2-3, 3.51 ERA) vs. Dave Saldivar (3-5, 4.20 ERA)
Elijah Powell (3-5, 5.09 ERA) vs. Dave Washington (4-2, 3.78 ERA)

After a common off day on Monday, we’d see a righty on Tuesday, then two southpaws. I didn’t see much reason to artificially move up Marty Madera, who had lost all but one of his 10 starts, had a 6.52 ERA, and would be fourth in line.

Game 1
POR: LF Watt – SS Lavorano – 1B Maldonado – 2B Waters – RF Puckeridge – C Gonzalez – CF Suzuki – 3B Luna – P Wheatley
LVA: CF Cramer – 3B Welter – RF Austin – 1B Witherspoon – C Weese – LF van de Wouw – SS R. Ramos – 2B Landstrom – P Broad

RBI singles by Waters and Gonzalez gave the Coons a 2-0 lead after Matt Watt opened the game with a walk and Maldo snuck a double into leftfield, but Larry Broad would tie the game himself with a first-pitch, 2-out, 2-run single in the bottom 2nd even after the Raccoons walked Josh Landstrom intentionally when two runners were already in scoring position. Brent Cramer then struck out with Wheats noticeably mad at himself.

Waters doubled in the third, but got no help; Suzuki doubled to left in the fourth and Eddy Luna at least found a single, putting runners on the corners with one gone for Wheats, who smacked the first pitch from Broad up the middle now for an RBI single to take that damn lead back. Matt Watt grounded to short, but Rafael Ramos threw the ball past Landstrom for an error, loading the sacks for Lonzo, whom Broad simply nailed to push home Luna with a run, 4-2. Maldo popped out, Waters grounded out, and even in their 46th game of the year, the Raccoons were still looking for somebody to get past that mighty 20 RBI speed bump.

Ramos singled to begin the bottom 4th, stole second, and eventually scored on a sac fly by Gary Tabano, batting for Broad already. Another thick chance for the Coons developed in the fifth against Jayden Woods, who nicked Gonzalez with one out, then gave up a double to right to Suzuki, putting two in scoring position. Luna got four wide ones and pointers to first base, to bring back Wheats, who already had an RBI single in the game, as well as still sufficient steam under his head over his own mistakes (6 H, 3 ER in 4 IP), but flailed himself back to the bench. Matt Watt grinded out a walk in a full count, however, restoring that 2-run lead, but Lonzo grounded out, and a walk to Aubrey Austin and a Kevin Weese homer tied the game at five in the bottom of the same ******* inning. Porter and Ponce then imploded for another five runs in the bottom 6th; Porter put everything on base that had legs, and Ponce then gave up a grand slam to Sam Witherspoon, basically. Watt, Lonzo, and Maldo all hit 2-out singles off Efrain Estrada in the seventh, but Waters grounded out to Witherspoon with the bags full, and that was the ballgame. 10-5 Aces. Lavorano 2-5, RBI; Maldonado 3-6, 2B; Waters 2-6, 2B, RBI; Gonzalez 2-3, BB, RBI; Suzuki 2-5, 2 2B; Hitchcock 2.0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 1 K;

Game 2
POR: SS Lavorano – CF Herrera – 1B Maldonado – 2B Waters – C Gonzalez – RF Suzuki – 3B Lamotta – LF Watt – P Wolinsky
LVA: 2B R. Ramos – SS Holbrook – C Weese – RF Austin – CF J. Harris – 1B Witherspoon – 3B Welter – LF van de Wouw – P Saldivar

The Aces lineup had five right-handers on top, then four left-handers at the bottom, which was … odd, but they had just clomped us for two pawsful, so what the **** did I know about baseball?

The Aces had a Witherspoon triple in the bottom 2nd, but Jeremy Welter’s 1-out pop contributed to ruin the inning, but Welter would later drive in the game’s first run in the bottom 4th with a 2-out, 2-strike RBI single to get Aubrey Austin across. The Coons had two hits the first time through, including a Wolinsky single, and didn’t get anywhere near to third base. By the fourth, we lost Suzuki to injury (again), and by the fifth Wolinsky ceased to retire… anybody, really. Saldivar opened with a single up the middle, and Ramos swiftly smacked a double. Steve Holbrook walked, followed by two RBI singles for Kevin Weese and Aubrey Austin, 3-0, although Holbrook tried to get around on Austin’s single to right, and was thrown out by Alan Puckeridge, Suzuki’s replacement. Jonathan Harris’ triple then made it a 5-pack on another Raccoons starter anyway. Welter singled him home with two outs, 6-0. Worst offense in the league, my ***. A run fell out of Landeta in the sixth, but the Coons actually scored (!) in the eighth on Matt Watt getting smitten with a fastball, and singles by Castner and Maldo – oh, so someone finally DID get over 20 RBI! I almost enjoyed myself dead over that one…

And then an actual rally started in the ninth, with two outs, as Evan Van Hoy singled in the #7 spot when we were just about to empty our silly bench before the game was out so everybody could have a share of the misery. Watt and Castner singled two, the latter driving in a run, and then Luna smacked a 2-run double from the #1 hole (there had been *a few* double switches…). The Aces went to a new pitcher there in closer Jose Santamaria, who faced only Herrera, who grounded over to Holbrook – who peppered the ball into the stands for a 2-base, run-scoring error, and Santamaria then left injured (probably a stroke). It was then 7-5, and Maldo came up as the tying run against lefty B.J. Brantley. He singled, putting the tying runs on the corners for Waters, who at 3-2 grounded out to Landstrom. 7-5 Aces. Luna 1-2, 2B, 2 RBI; Maldonado 2-4, RBI; Van Hoy (PH) 1-1; Castner (PH) 3-3, RBI;

I think we can add Vegas to the list of places where nothing good ever happens to the Raccoons, next to the Bay, Boston, British Columbia, and Bloody Portland itself.

Game 3
POR: SS Lavorano – CF Herrera – 1B Maldonado – 3B Waters – RF Lamotta – LF Puckeridge – C Jimenez – 2B Castner – P Powell
LVA: CF Cramer – 3B Welter – RF Austin – 1B Witherspoon – C Weese – SS Holbrook – LF F. Rojas – 2B Landstrom – P Washington

Single, single, single, homer – after Witherspoon’s 3-spot in the bottom 1st the Aces were up 4-0 without making a single ******* out. The Raccoons went on to pile up errors, one by Waters, one by Powell, who allowed another run in the bottom 4th after a leadoff triple by Felix Rojas, thus making it 3-for-3 in getting a five-punch from the worst offense (my ***) in the league. What did that say about our pitching again?

On offense the Raccoons had five hits in four innings and enough double plays and silly pops to short to not grab any runs that far, or in the next two innings either. Armando Herrera doubled home a pair in the seventh inning, but those runners (Castner, Lonzo) had reached on an error and on getting plunked… But then there was only Lonzo reaching on a single in the ninth inning, and he never got off first base before the game ended. 5-2 Aces. Herrera 3-5, 2B, 2 RBI; Lamotta 2-4;

Woof.

Raccoons (20-28) vs. Thunder (30-16) – May 27-29, 2050

After that waffling, the Thunder could hardly do anything that would shock me in this weekend set. They were in first place anyway, the Raccoons were rapidly racing the Loggers for bottoms in the North, and we had already lost two of three to the Thunder in April. Oklahoma was fourth in runs scored, fifth in runs allowed, but their +22 run differential still beat the Coons’ -40 by a country mile.

Projected matchups:
Victor Merino (2-6, 4.14 ERA) vs. Victor Marquez (5-1, 2.94 ERA)
Victor Salcido (3-2, 4.24 ERA) vs. Ben Lehman (6-3, 3.76 ERA)
Jason Wheatley (2-4, 4.88 ERA) vs. J.J. Hendrix (4-4, 4.82 ERA)

Third straight lefty to begin the set, then two right-handers to finish the week.

Mikio Suzuki also hit the DL (again) on Friday, this time with a sprained ankle that would keep him out until the second half of June. Have some Matt Glodowski, everybody, batting .324 in nine games back in St. Pete.

Game 1
OCT: C Adames – 2B Ban – 1B Worthington – LF Humphreys – RF Benavides – SS R. Cox – 3B Adame – CF M. Allen – P V. Marquez
POR: SS Lavorano – CF Herrera – 1B Maldonado – 2B Waters – 3B Lamotta – C Gonzalez – LF Puckeridge – RF Glodowski – P Merino

The Friday series opener saw another first-frame 4-spot on the hapless Raccoons, with Merino getting smacked around for four hits and runs each, although a Maldo error at the very beginning of the game that put Jesus Adames on base made three of the runs unearned. Adames, Jonathan Ban, and Steve Humphreys loaded the bags in the second inning, but Merino eloped that time with a K to Juan Benavides, but Benavides got back at him with a leadoff jack in the fifth inning that would Merino give his own 5-spot in five innings or less. Merino became the first pitcher this week to actually see the sixth, but hardly sparkled, walking Mike Allen to lead off and then getting a bunt from Marquez, who was still firing a 1-hit shutout, before getting yoinked.

Marquez nicked Lonzo in the bottom 6th, and Lonzo took his 20th base off him out of spite, then was singled home by Armando Herrera, who was about the last guy stirring in that lineup. And then? Then Landeta, the ex-Thunder, walked the bags full in the top of the seventh, and allowed all the free runners to score on singles by ex-Coon Alex Adame and Mike Allen. It was so hard to watch, I climbed into the XXXL box of donuts Maud had brought in, and closed the lid behind me in another 8-1 drubbing. That was before two unearned runs were beaten out of Eloy Sencion, with a 2-base error by Glodowski really fueling the Thunder offense to begin with. By this game we had to use Willie Cruz in a 9-run blowout just to make ends meet in the shudderworthy bullpen, and at least he struck out the side in the ninth inning… Singles by Maldo, Jimenez, and Gonzalez would load the bases against Marquez in the bottom 9th, but Puckeridge’s 4-6-3 double play gave him a 101-pitch complete-game 8-hitter after all. 10-1 Thunder. Lavorano 1-2; Jimenez (PH) 1-1; Castner (PH) 1-1;

Maud, stop knocking on the lid of the donut box! I’m not coming out again! – Actually, Maud can you slip my bottle of One-Eyed Jack’s in here? – Thanks, Maud, you’re my favorite!

Whoever’s tickling my tail out there, stop it! I can’t help it hanging out, it won’t fit in the box!!

Game 2
OCT: 3B A. Montes de Oca – CF M. Allen – 1B Worthington – RF Benavides – 2B Ban – SS R. Cox – C Burnham – LF Harmon – P Lehman
POR: LF Watt – SS Lavorano – CF Herrera – 2B Waters – 1B Maldonado – RF Puckeridge – C Gonzalez – 3B Luna – P Salcido

Salcido had pitched that no-hitter his last time out, but I’d be entirely content with seven innings and two runs for now. Well. Walking Allen, whacking David Worthington, and a Lonzo error put one on board in the top 1st, but at least Herrera ran down Ryan Cox’ drive to deep center to end the inning with two still aboard. Only down 1-0 in the first – ******* progress!! Armando Herrera homered to get the Coons back into a tie in the bottom 1st, and in fact Herrera would make plus catches to end each of the first three inning, stranding a total of five runners that might have crept onto Salcido’s ledger. What a nice change of pace – not quite getting to hit them were a brownshirt stands, but at least where your 36-year-old centerfielder can reach them at breakneck pace….

Like Wheats on Tuesday, Salcido drove his own lead In the bottom 4th, chipping an RBI single to center after Lehman carelessly walked both Gonzalez and Luna with two outs. Watt grounded out to strand a pair, and Worthington and Ban doubles tied the damn game immediately in the fifth. Salcido tagged on two more innings without coughing up more runs, which technically gave me what I despondently had asked for at the start, but him only a no-decision, for the Raccoons being unable to score. Ponce held the game tied in the eighth (!), but Willie Cruz now broke, walking Allen and getting bombed by Worthington in the ninth. In turn, another ex-Coon, Mike Lynn, saved the game for Oklahoma… 4-2 Thunder. Salcido 7.0 IP, 6 H, 2 R, 1 ER, 2 BB, 5 K and 1-3, RBI;

Sometimes I wonder whether any of them buggers would still be alive if Kisho Saito and his ceremonial sword were still pitching on the Critters…

Game 3
OCT: 3B A. Montes de Oca – CF M. Allen – 1B Worthington – RF Benavides – 2B Ban – SS R. Cox – C Adames – LF Harmon – P Hendrix
POR: SS Lavorano – CF Herrera – LF Puckeridge – 2B Waters – RF Lamotta – 3B Luna – C Jimenez – 1B Van Hoy – P Wheatley

The week was gonna end, but the sucking wouldn’t. Wheatley gave up three hits, three walks, and three runs in the first after retiring the leadoff man Angel Montes de Oca, then none of the next six batters. Lamotta singled and Luna homered in the bottom 2nd to narrow the gap a little bit, but Wheats just cocked up another run right away, nailing Jesus Adames with a 1-2 pitch with two outs, then gave up the run on a Mike Harmon double into the gap in right-center. A Benavides homer in the fifth left him with the usual line for a Raccoons starter this week – five runs in five frames. Sometimes more of one and less of the other. Or for Wheats, more of both – he came back for the sixth, allowed a single to Harmon, threw away Hendrix’ bunt, and then surrendered another single to Montes. Harmon went home and was thrown out by Puckeridge, but Mike Allen singled the other runners home against Eloy Sencion when he replaced a smothered Wheatley.

And the rest of the miscreants? Lonzo hit a leadoff homer in the bottom 6th, reducing the gap to 7-3, but not much happened after that. Bob Ibold struck out the 1-2-3 batters in order in the eighth, which was neat, but the ship had sailed a while back by then. Lonzo knocked out Hendrix with a leadoff double to left in the bottom 8th, but was nevertheless stranded right at second base. Luna singled off Willie Maldonado in the bottom 9th, but was doubled up by John Castner, who was useless even *while* batting .333 … 7-3 Thunder. Lavorano 2-4, HR, 2B, RBI; Herrera 2-4; Luna 2-4, HR, 2 RBI;

In other news

May 25 – The Scorpions suffer a two-way flogging against the Miners, amounting to just two hits against PIT SP Marcos Nabo (2-6, 6.33 ERA) while getting romped for 15 runs in the shutout themselves. It’s never close – 11 runs score in the second inning alone.
May 25 – DEN INF/RF Rick Price (.311, 2 HR, 22 RBI) socks his first two home runs of the season and walks four times, bringing in six RBI in an 18-7 blasting of the Cyclones.
May 26 – ATL CL David Hardaway (5-1, 1.90 ERA, 7 SV) will miss two weeks after suffering an oblique strain during what the team calls “a workout” and the tabloid Daily Outrage labels “rough horsing around with his mistress”.
May 28 – A broken thumb will keep DAL INF/RF/LF Felix Marquez (.207, 1 HR, 14 RBI) out for at least a month.
May 29 – SAL 3B Ricky Jimenez (.270, 2 HR, 29 RBI) hits a home run for the only marker on the board in a 1-0 Wolves in over the Cyclones.

FL Player of the Week: DEN INF/RF Rick Price (.337, 2 HR, 23 RBI), batting .565 (13-23) with 2 HR, 9 RBI
CL Player of the Week: IND 2B Hugo Acosta (.372, 1 HR, 26 RBI), slapping .522 (12-23) with 1 HR, 6 RBI

Complaints and stuff

I had to look this up, but I think the technical term for what the Raccoons did with this week was “schlonzing”. In short, nothing worked. Everybody* sucked. And they should all* be drowned in a river. And the Willamette is RIGHT THERE, so what’s stopping me?

I will make an exception for Salcido (ND!), Lonzo, and Herrera (both .318 with a homer each). The rest was just wholly awful. Although, Salcido needs a talking-to as well. He’s TOTALLY ruining the chemistry in the rotation, because take this string of pitching lines:

5 IP, 5 R/ER
5 IP, 6 R/ER, L
5 IP, 5 R/ER, L
5.1 IP, 5 R, 2 ER, L
7 IP, 2 R, 1 ER
5.1 IP, 7 R, 6 ER, L

Completely ruining any harmony there! Too much excellence! He needs trading to the Buffos.

And the offense? Schlonzing it so good that Maldo’s 21 RBI still lead the team. In fact, Lonzo is in no way excelling in stealing bases (he’s been thrown out 11 times in 31 tries), but we’re that close to having the team leader in stolen bases outdo the team leader in RBI at the end of May. And don’t get me started on the team home run lead of THREE.

THREE!!

Blargh. And now another road trip to the damn Bay and Indy. Although, if you stay away from home during these seasons, the kids in the other cities usually don’t recognize you on your way home from another 10-2 waffling at the old ballpark and yell “Coons suck! You suck!” at you.

Fun Fact: There is no fun.

There’s only schlonzing.

(gets puffed by Maud with the elbow)

Fine! Here’s a neat one. (clears throat)

Fun Fact: Danny Hall made all of two starts, but is t-2nd in salary per WAR on the team.

That’d be $544k per WAR, twice his minimum salary with 0.5 WAR. Salcido – on more starts, mind – has the same values. Only Lonzo beats them, bringing in precisely his minimum salary of $272k with 1.0 WAR. Only Wolinsky, Sencion, and Puckeridge are even under $1M per WAR, and three of those six ******* started the season in AAA!!

Waters and Maldo don’t show up on the list at all, because Steve from Accounting tells me that dividing by zero is really really hard and we can’t even handle the Aces…