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Blackhawks 7, Wild 6 Bears, Beets, and Baseball
By Dwight Schrute, Assistant (to the) Regional Baseball Correspondent
STATEMENT OF FACT: The Chicago Blackhawks defeated the Minnesota Wild 7-6 in Game 1 of the Western Conference Semifinals.
STATEMENT OF OPINION THAT IS BACKED BY FACTS: This game was a brutal contest of strength, agility, and cunning much like a traditional Schrute family barn melee and Chicago emerged victorious due to superior tactical positioning and clutch performance.
The Blackhawks were outmaneuvered early by Minnesota second baseman Juan Rolon a man who, if he werent so good at baseball, could have made a respectable beet farmer. Rolon went 2-for-3 with 2 home runs, 2 walks, 3 runs scored, and 3 RBIs. That is the offensive equivalent of executing a perfect surprise attack from the northeast quadrant during a beet harvest raid.
But! Victory belongs to the bold. And Ruben Rivera was bold. In the bottom of the seventh inning, with two outs the moment when most men break Rivera faced David Berkley, a pitcher who presumably has never arm-wrestled a bear (because he clearly lacked the killer instinct). Rivera struck with a single that pierced the infield like a well-aimed throwing star, giving Chicago the lead, 7-6.
Was it glorious? No. Glorious is reserved for hand-to-hand combat. But it was effective. And as I always say, A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week. That was General Patton. And also me.
The game took place at United Center, a name that suggests togetherness, unity, and strategy. That was the case for Chicago. Minnesota, meanwhile, had 7 hits and 1 error a crucial failure, since errors in battle (or baseball) mean death (or defeat).
Next Game:
Tomorrow. Same location. United Center.
Will Minnesota retaliate like a Schrute clan vengeance squad? Or will Chicago assert dominance once again?
Prediction: Pain.
And a strong chance of someone being metaphorically eliminated.
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