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"New York Rangers: Threat Level Midnight!"
By Michael Scott, World’s Best Boss & Now Apparently a Sportswriter
🎉 Cue the “Gonna Fly Now” montage music! 🎉
The New York Rangers — my new favorite team unless the Scranton Stranglers are a thing — dominated Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals against the Long Island Islanders. And I mean dom-in-ated. Final score? 9 to 2. That’s like... if baseball and a sledgehammer had a baby. And the baby’s name? Victory.
Let me break it down for you like I break it down at office parties:
Eli Grubin — aka the Babe Ruth of today, tomorrow, and possibly yesterday. This guy went 3-for-4 with a home run, a triple (the most exciting hit in sports!), a walk, 3 RBI and scored. I haven’t seen numbers that good since Pam told me how many people watched my homemade action movie.
Eli, if you're reading this: You're invited to my next pizza party. No pineapple.
Mark Grubin — which I assume is Eli’s brother or clone — went 2-for-4, hit a homer of his own, drove in 2, scored 2, and walked once. The man is basically Dwight and Jim combined, and I do not say that lightly.
Seong Gi-Hun — Yes, THAT Seong Gi-Hun! The guy from Squid Game! Okay, maybe not, but this dude pitched 8.1 innings with only 2 earned runs and just one strikeout. Some people say strikeouts are flashy — I say, sometimes you gotta Dwight Schrute it: Quiet, efficient, and always on target.
AND THEN — Octavio Alcala, probably named after a Greek god of timely hits, had a clutch 2-out, bases-loaded single in the fifth that cracked the game wide open. If that hit were a Dundie Award, it would be “Best Use of Pressure in a High-Stakes Situation.”
Manager Manuel Santiago was like, “We can still play better,” and honestly... that’s what a true Michael Scott-level leader says. Great job, Manuel. Call me if you want to do a Trust Fall seminar.
Next Game:
📍 UBS Arena, Belmont
📅 Tomorrow
🕘 TBD, but I assume it’s during prime popcorn time.
Let’s go Rangers! Bring that Dundie-level energy and crush some more Islanders! (Not literally. HR would have a field day.)
MICHAEL SCOTT, OUT. 🏒🔥
P.S. This article will self-destruct in 5 seconds.
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