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Panthers Come Back, Canadiens Collapse, and I’m Just Saying… Something Felt Off
By Larry David (yes, that Larry David)
So here we are — Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinals. Big stage, bright lights, a historic venue like the Bell Centre, and guess what? Florida. Yeah, Florida — the land of humidity, retirees, and questionable beach etiquette — comes into Montreal, of all places, and steals Game 1. Just... steals it. Like George Costanza stealing shrimp from a catered event.
The Canadiens had it. They had it. Up 4–3 going into the 9th. The crowd’s buzzing, the poutine's hot, Postal Worker Newman (great name, by the way) had hit three home runs! THREE! The guy single-handedly kept Montreal in it — and not like a cheap solo shot either. These were boomers. The kind of shots where you just nod and say, “Yeah... alright.”
But then... enter Sebastian Mills. This guy steps up in the 9th, Florida down a run, and what does he do? He hits a home run that just barely stays fair. I mean we’re talking millimeters. Could’ve gone either way. Fair? Foul? I’ve seen people get into screaming matches over less at a deli counter. I don’t know. I'm not saying it was rigged — I'm just saying, maybe we review it longer next time. Get a second opinion. Maybe even a third. You can't trust a single camera angle these days.
So now it's 4–4. Game tied. Montreal’s rattled. Fans are sweating. I’m sweating. My uncle Sal is sweating and he doesn’t even like hockey. And THEN — Rick Hansen, 25 years old, left fielder, guy probably still uses two-in-one shampoo — hits a 2-run double to give Florida the lead. Boom. Silence. You could hear a bagel drop.
And the Canadiens? Nothing in the bottom of the 9th. Nada. No magic. Newman’s bat? Cold. Like, “waited too long to eat your knish” cold.
Jon Smith, Montreal’s manager — and what a generic name that is, by the way — doesn’t even take questions after the game. Says he’ll talk “if and when we win the Stanley Cup Finals.” Oh! That’s rich. I love confidence. Especially after blowing a 9th-inning lead. Very inspiring. What’s next, gonna write your parade speech now?
Anyway, Game 2 is tomorrow. Still in Montreal. Same place, probably same goalie, hopefully a little less heartbreak. Because if Florida wins again? Ohhh... it’s gonna be awkward.
Very awkward.
Final Thought: Newman — you were incredible. But if you’re gonna hit three home runs and still lose? Maybe it's time to stop delivering the mail and start delivering pep talks.
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