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Western Conference Finals
Howard Hamlin Reporting — Clear, Candid, and Courtroom-Ready.
October 1, 2001 — United Center, Chicago
Stars Light Up Chicago Courtroom in Game 1 Beatdown
Let me be clear: this was not a contest. This was a deposition… and the Dallas Stars were extremely well-prepared counsel. Game 1 of the Conference Finals wasn’t just a win — it was an opening statement, forceful and irrefutable. Final score: Dallas 14, Chicago 4. The Stars now lead the series 1-0.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to introduce George Costanza — yes, that Costanza. Tonight, he wasn’t coming from Vandelay Industries. He was filing legal damage at United Center, submitting two home runs as Exhibits A and B, including a grand slam that would have been inadmissible in most jurisdictions due to excessive cruelty. Three hits, seven RBIs, three runs scored. Case closed.
“He’s not a marine biologist — he’s a shortstop with teeth,” I said to no one in particular in the firm’s skybox.
Of course, this wasn’t a solo act. The Stars came into this courtroom with a full team of litigators:
R. Grubin: Three hits, two RBIs, and a home run that objected—sustained.
A. Jabiri: Walked into the building and owned the record. Three runs, two RBIs, and another long ball for his ledger.
L. Rodriguez and B. Thien: Exhibits of consistency and control.
Naoki Kunisada on the mound? Eight and a third of deliberate, measured justice.
Compare that to Chicago’s defense? Well…
K. Song, the starter for the Blackhawks, surrendered eight earned runs in one and a third innings. I've seen friendlier opening statements from opposing counsel in a murder trial.
Now don’t get me wrong, Connor Bedard continues to shine — a home run and a triple — but even he couldn’t turn this circus into a courtroom. He was litigating solo while the rest of his firm floundered.
Chicago manager Bob Valdivia tried to play it cool:
“We’ll rinse this one off and get ready for the next game.”
Sure, Bob. And I’ll just rinse off an SEC investigation.
The Stars now hold home-ice advantage and momentum. Chicago? They’ll need a complete rewrite of their closing argument by puck drop tomorrow night.
GAME BRIEFS
Player of the Game: George Costanza — because when he’s locked in, it’s not “shrinkage,” it’s a seven-RBI night.
Pitching Gem: N. Kunisada — over 100 pitches, barely a blink. That’s a closer’s mindset in a starter’s body.
Ballpark: United Center — 41,509 in attendance, and at least 20,000 of them are rethinking their Game 2 plans.
We’ll be back in court tomorrow night. Until then: stay sharp, stay clean, and if you’re Chicago... find a new defense strategy.
— Howard Hamlin, Esq.
Managing Partner, Hamlin, Hamlin & McGill (Hockey Division)
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