[jg2977]

GAME 2, WESTERN CONFERENCE FINALS
Chicago 11, Dallas 4
Diagnosis: Embarrassing Collapse. Prognosis: Unclear.

Let’s cut through the nonsense.

Dallas didn’t lose Game 2. Losing implies struggle, grit, a heroic but failed effort. No, Dallas got steamrolled. Anesthesia-free. Quick and brutal, like a kidney punch from a patient who just learned they’ve got six months to live. And the one holding the stethoscope? Chicago shortstop Ron Hextall, who spent the afternoon diagnosing the Stars' pitching staff with a terminal case of mediocrity.

Symptoms:
F. Cespedes, Dallas starter, served up more meatballs than an Olive Garden buffet. Eight earned runs in under three innings? That’s not pitching, it’s arson.
Jong-yong Kim — four-time Great Glove winner and, apparently, part-time executioner — dropped a grand slam on Cespedes like he was deleting junk mail.
Hextall himself? Hit by a pitch, homered, scored three times, drove in three. His OBP wasn’t just high — it was smug.
The Stars' response? A solo shot from R. Grubin, a solo shot from L. Rodriguez, and yet another solo shot from I. Alekanekelo — which is adorable, in the same way that putting a Band-Aid on a severed limb is adorable.

So What Happened, Doctor?
Simple: Chicago adjusted. Dallas didn’t. The Blackhawks turned every two-out situation into an offensive therapy session, exorcising the trauma of Game 1 with surgical precision. Meanwhile, Dallas brought the same plan they had two days ago and expected the same result — which is, as we all know, insanity. Or at least, grounds for medical review.

Cespedes’s ERA is now forty-point-five. That’s not a stat — that’s a fever dream.

O. Ramirez, brought in to stop the bleeding, managed to contain the damage to just one run over three innings, which is like bragging you only crashed one car on the way to the ER.

Chicago’s Pitching?
Not great. C. Kim gave up three solo homers, walked three, and still walked out with the win because Dallas was even worse. Sometimes you don’t need to be a good doctor — just the only one left in the hospital not actively making things worse.

Patient Outlook:
The series is tied 1-1. The Stars head back to Dallas, which may give them home-ice advantage, but unless they find a way to treat whatever’s causing their bullpen to hemorrhage runs, they’re not just in trouble — they’re terminal.

See you Thursday. Bring gauze. And morphine.

—

Dr. Gregory House, M.D.
Diagnosing dysfunction, one collapse at a time.