|
Morty Seinfeld Reporting, ALCS Style — Live from Guaranteed Rate Field!
Listen, let me tell you something about this ballgame — it had more errors than your cousin Marvin trying to program a VCR. And don’t get me started on the wind, it was blowing like the air conditioning in Del Boca Vista when the board forgets I get cold!
So here we are, October 13th — Friday the 13th, if you believe in that kind of thing — and the Houston Astros come into Chicago, and what do they do? They take Game One of the ALCS right out from under the White Sox's noses! I’m not saying the Sox didn’t try, I’m just saying... they looked like they forgot what month it was!
The score was 5 to 2, Astros win. Ay, yai yai.
Now let’s talk about that Luke Peters, this kid pitched seven innings, gave up six hits, only two runs — and not even both earned! That’s the kind of arm you want if you're moving to Phase III at the condo board meeting. Solid! Reliable! He’s the kind of guy who refills the seltzer before it runs out. And then they bring in this A. Reyes fella? Two innings, shuts the door. Not a peep! Like the security guard at the shuffleboard courts when the Boca boys show up.
And that Jon Dunham — he had two doubles! One in the 4th, one in the 6th. The man was running like he left his car parked at a meter. Two runs scored, just kept trotting around the bases like he owned the building. Impressive!
Now Chicago... oy, Chicago. The White Sox looked like they forgot they were playing baseball, not hosting a yard sale. I saw more life in a Bridge game at the rec center. I mean, two errors, runners left everywhere — they had nine guys stranded! Nine! That’s more than the turnout for Elaine’s dance recital!
That J. Huskey came in off the bench — two hits, an RBI, even a double. Looked good! If you ask me, that kid should’ve been starting from the get-go! What are these managers thinking? You got a hot bat, you use it! It’s like Frank Costanza always says, "You put the good players in the game!"
And poor M. Terry on the mound for the Sox — 7.2 innings, 108 pitches, guy threw his whole arm out there! But three earned runs and no run support? That’s like organizing the community garage sale and nobody shows up to help. It’s not right!
So now the Astros are up 1-0 in the series. They’re feeling good, they’re staying in a hotel with working elevators, and they’ve got momentum. Meanwhile, the White Sox? They better wake up before Game Two, or they’ll be back in their apartments watching the rest of the postseason on that tiny TV with rabbit ears.
Alright, I gotta go — Helen’s yelling something about the thermostat again. White Sox fans — don’t give up hope! And remember: if you leave men on base, you lose the game! That’s baseball. That’s life. That’s Boca.
– Morty Seinfeld, signing off from Guaranteed Rate Field.
|