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1916 AL MVP Award
Oh God… of course Ethan Holtzen wins the MVP. Why not? The guy’s 34 years old, still plays like a freakin’ cyborg, and meanwhile I can’t walk up a flight of stairs without wondering if my hip just filed for divorce. Holtzen hits .295, gets on base like a monk with a vow to never strike out — .435 OBP! What is he, allergic to outs?! I haven’t been that consistent with anything since Clinton was in office!
He racks up 152 hits, 20 doubles, 10 triples — TRIPLES! I haven’t seen a triple since dial-up internet! Then he adds 21 home runs and walks 133 times. That’s not a stat, that’s an intervention. I’ve dated people who paid less attention to me than pitchers did to this guy!
And then, just to drive it home like a nail in my self-esteem, he unanimously wins the MVP. Thirty out of thirty first-place votes. That’s a landslide, folks. That’s the kind of result you only see in rigged elections or Beatles albums.
Eric Rehfeld of the White Sox came in second — sorry, pal, you’re just the “meh” after the masterpiece. Josh Freeman was third, which is basically second place for losers. All solid seasons, but Ethan’s just out here rewriting the Torah of baseball.
Here’s the full breakdown, if you want to ruin your day:
Player - Team - First Place - Total Points
Ethan Holtzen - Twins - 30 - 420
Eric Rehfeld - White Sox - 0 - 229
Josh Freeman - Mariners - 0 - 197
Mark McCall - Mariners - 0 - 182
Luke Satterwhite - White Sox - 0 - 127
Jesus Fagundes - Red Sox - 0 - 104
… and then it’s a giant conga line of very nice, very talented, very not MVPs.
Bottom line? Holtzen is an offensive machine with the patience of a saint and the legs of a gazelle. I’m happy for him. I’m also furious. And tired. And I might need a nap.
God, I hate how good he is.
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