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HA HA HA HAAAA!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, peasants and paupers, let me introduce you to Game 1 of the Conference Semifinals, where the mighty fell, and the rich just got richer — because when you’ve got talent, dominance, and swagger dripping like diamonds... YOU WIN.
And tonight? The Vegas Golden Knights cashed in.
💰 The Million Dollar Beatdown at United Center
Chicago! You may be the reigning Stanley Cup champions, but tonight? YOU looked broke!
The Golden Knights strutted into your house like they owned the deed, the ice, and your dignity. Why? Because everybody’s got a price… and tonight, that price was 12 runs, 16 hits, and one very expensive L for the Blackhawks.
You fans in the stands paid top dollar... but what you saw was priceless — unless you're a Vegas fan. Then it was just business.
💎 Ivan Barbashev: Worth Every Penny
Let me tell you about Ivan Barbashev — my kind of guy. Two bombs, four RBIs, three hits. This man wasn’t playing baseball, he was investing in pain.
While Chicago was still doing their warmups, Barbashev had already made his first deposit — a double off D. Perez in the first. But he wasn’t done. Oh no. The seventh? A homer. The eighth? Another. That’s called compound interest, baby.
"We were able to get some things going offensively," Barbashev said with a smirk.
Of course you did, Ivan — when you’re this rich in talent, the hits just keep coming.
💵 Aroche and the Boys: Making It Rain
You thought it was just Barbashev? HA! Vegas came loaded like a Swiss bank account.
Raul Aroche? Two-run moonshot in the fourth. That ball had more hang time than your mortgage.
Tiller, Morales, Squillino, Soto — these guys didn’t come to play. They came to collect.
Even the team LOB was rich — 7 men stranded on base like they were waiting for a limo!
💸 Chicago's Effort? Admirable... but Broke
Listen, I’ll give credit where it’s due:
Connor Bedard? A home run and a stolen base.
Nick Foligno? Two doubles and a triple? That’s what I call hustling for the bonus.
E. Trevino? Three RBIs from the DH spot — you’re on the payroll, baby.
But your pitching? Oh my… D. Perez gave up 6 runs faster than I spend six figures on a Tuesday lunch. Garduno? Showed up, gave up four, disappeared. Gould? Thanks for the two-run parting gift.
You can’t win the stock market when all your investments go bust. You need million-dollar arms, not bargain-bin bullpen scraps!
🏦 Final Thoughts From the Top Floor
You want to win in October? You want the championship rings? The custom suits? The jet engines warming up after the game? You better be ready to pay the price.
Because Vegas? They just walked into Chicago’s penthouse and said,
"This is ours now."
And Game 2? Let’s just say the Golden Knights are already writing checks that Chicago might not be able to cash.
I’m Ted DiBiase, the Million Dollar Man… and tonight? The Vegas Golden Knights proved it again:
EVERYBODY’S GOT A PRICE.
💰💰💰
Cue the evil laugh…
HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!
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