[jg2977]

New York Rangers: 19th Conference Finals berth
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New York Rangers at Tampa Bay Lightning — September 25, 2002
Recap by Milton Waddams (yes... yes I was told I could write it)

Um, okay... so the New York Rangers... they, uh, they beat the Tampa Bay Lightning. They scored fifteen runs. That’s a lot of runs, and I was going to watch the game, I told them I was going to watch it, but they turned the channel. Again. They said it was "just a formality" because the Rangers were up three games to none, but I was like, "I like formality..."

Anyway, the Rangers won 15 to 11, and now they’re going to the Conference Finals, and nobody even asked me if I wanted them to win, which... it would’ve been nice, you know?

They said the game was at Amalie Arena, which is where I used to keep my radio before they took my desk. The game started at 1:05 PM, and it lasted three hours and fifty-eight minutes, which is longer than they let me sit in the break room.

Will Cuylle... He Did a Thing
So... this guy, Will Cuylle, he’s apparently very good. He hit a bunch of home runs, four of them in the series. They gave him MVP, and, uh... I didn’t get anything. I asked if I could get a trophy, maybe a small one, just for watching, and they told me I should go back to Storage B.

Cuylle said, and I quote, “On to the Conference Finals and feeling good.” Well, that’s good for him. I also feel good when I’m not being relocated to the basement. Maybe I could come to the Finals? I have a flashlight.

Ben Rice Was Also There
Ben Rice hit two home runs. They called him the Player of the Game. I had a red stapler once. I was the Player of the Office. And, um, they took that too.

Ben Rice had eight total bases, and everyone was very excited, but I bet he didn’t have his cake taken before he got any, which happened to me at the last office birthday party.

Home Runs Were... Everywhere
It was like... a home run contest, I think. The Rangers hit seven home runs. Tampa Bay hit six. That’s thirteen. That’s... that’s one more than twelve. It’s a baker’s dozen of destruction, if you like metaphors. I like metaphors. And cake. Especially bundt.

Anyway, M. Grubin, B. Sattler, W. Cuylle, B. Rice (twice), A. Grubin (twice) — all hit dingers. It was like everyone got to use the good stapler but me.

Tampa had a guy named Dimas hit two homers, and then R. Sifonte, Duqaq, Perez, and Nazi all added one each. Nazi is a weird name. I'm not allowed to say that in the office anymore.

Pitching... Was Not a Priority
So... both teams gave up 14 hits, and the starting pitchers had ERAs that looked like someone sat on the calculator. New York’s G. Contreras gave up 7 runs in 3.1 innings, and Tampa’s M. Gonzalez gave up 6 in 3.0. That’s bad. That’s, like... very bad. It’s like when they said my timecard was “lost.” You can’t lose something you never looked for.

There were a lot of pitching changes. Nobody seemed to know what they were doing. There were zero strikeouts by the Rangers’ bullpen, but they still won. I once reorganized an entire supply closet and didn’t get a raise.

Conference Finals? Huh? Oh... Okay.
So the Rangers are moving on, and they don’t know who they’re playing next. It could be the Long Island Islanders or the Florida Panthers. I could play. I mean, no one asked me, but I brought my own helmet... it’s red.

They said the schedule will be released soon, but last time I asked about a schedule, they told me to “circle back after Q3.” I don’t know what that means. I just want to see the game.

Anyway... the Rangers are very good. Tampa Bay is going home. I’m going back to the basement now. If the Rangers win the Finals, I hope they give me back my stapler. I think that’s fair. I told them it was mine. It was red. And if they don't... I’ll set the rink on fire.