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jg2977 · 07-29-2025, 12:20 PM

Hey! It's Kenny Bania! And you know what this is?
This is GOLD, Jerry! GOLD!

We are talkin’ about the 2002 Eastern Conference Platinum Stick Award winners, baby! These guys didn’t just hit — they mashed, they raked, they destroyed baseballs like they were trying to impress Elaine on a first date! I mean, these numbers are insane! These aren't your run-of-the-mill, grab-a-bagel-and-a-coffee stats. These are filet mignon stats!

Let’s go down the list — you ready? Here it comes!

🥇 Catcher – Postal Worker Newman (Montreal Canadiens)
.414/.493/1.011, 85 HR, 206 runs, 14.8 WAR
Newman! I always knew he had it in him. The man crushes junk mail and junk pitches!

🥇 First Baseman – Boone Jenner (Columbus Blue Jackets)
.519/.637/1.332, 99 HR, 216 RBI, 19.6 WAR
Boone Jenner? More like BOOM Jenner! That slugging percentage? That’s not a stat — that’s a power surge!

🥇 Second Baseman – Adrie Sijtsma (Long Island Islanders)
.469/.542/1.170, 291 RBI, 240 runs
This guy wasn’t just on fire — he WAS fire! Like a flamethrower in cleats!

🥇 Third Baseman – Itsuro Bliebernicht (New York Rangers)
.529/.667/1.383, 125 HR, 332 RBI, 25.4 WAR
You see those numbers? That’s not a slash line, that’s a nuclear launch code!

🥇 Shortstop – Warming Bernabel (Long Island Islanders)
.501/.627/1.252, 98 HR, 75 SB, 22.7 WAR
Warming? Warming?! The guy was melting the bases! The only thing hotter is soup — and I know soup!

🥇 Left Fielder – Lance Clark (Long Island Islanders)
.324/.359/.598, 47 HR, 3.7 WAR
Underrated, but consistent. Like a solid bowl of minestrone — not flashy, but gets the job done.

🥇 Center Fielder – Will Cuylle (New York Rangers)
.549/.654/1.396, 123 HR, 358 RBI, 27.0 WAR
This guy’s a video game glitch! A living cheat code! He's like Newman in a buffet line — unstoppable!

🥇 Right Fielder – Sean Couturier (Philadelphia Flyers)
.527/.633/1.433, 113 HR, 23.6 WAR
That’s not hitting — that’s supernatural interference! This guy must’ve made a deal with Costanza’s accountant!

🥇 Designated Hitter – Vinny Hixson (Long Island Islanders)
.369/.392/.761, 73 HR, 195 RBI, 8.9 WAR
DH? More like Destroyer of Hopes! Vinny doesn’t swing a bat, he swings a sledgehammer!

Folks, this isn’t just a lineup — this is the greatest episode of “The Platinum Stick Show” you’ve never seen! So give it up for these absolute legends of the plate.

I'm tellin' ya — this is the best thing since Ovaltine!

And remember: Platinum Stick winners... they're real, and they're spectacular!

07-29-2025, 12:20 PM	#2694
jg2977 Hall Of Famer Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 26,065	2002 East Hey! It's Kenny Bania! And you know what this is? This is GOLD, Jerry! GOLD! We are talkin’ about the 2002 Eastern Conference Platinum Stick Award winners, baby! These guys didn’t just hit — they mashed, they raked, they destroyed baseballs like they were trying to impress Elaine on a first date! I mean, these numbers are insane! These aren't your run-of-the-mill, grab-a-bagel-and-a-coffee stats. These are filet mignon stats! Let’s go down the list — you ready? Here it comes! 🥇 Catcher – Postal Worker Newman (Montreal Canadiens) .414/.493/1.011, 85 HR, 206 runs, 14.8 WAR Newman! I always knew he had it in him. The man crushes junk mail and junk pitches! 🥇 First Baseman – Boone Jenner (Columbus Blue Jackets) .519/.637/1.332, 99 HR, 216 RBI, 19.6 WAR Boone Jenner? More like BOOM Jenner! That slugging percentage? That’s not a stat — that’s a power surge! 🥇 Second Baseman – Adrie Sijtsma (Long Island Islanders) .469/.542/1.170, 291 RBI, 240 runs This guy wasn’t just on fire — he WAS fire! Like a flamethrower in cleats! 🥇 Third Baseman – Itsuro Bliebernicht (New York Rangers) .529/.667/1.383, 125 HR, 332 RBI, 25.4 WAR You see those numbers? That’s not a slash line, that’s a nuclear launch code! 🥇 Shortstop – Warming Bernabel (Long Island Islanders) .501/.627/1.252, 98 HR, 75 SB, 22.7 WAR Warming? Warming?! The guy was melting the bases! The only thing hotter is soup — and I know soup! 🥇 Left Fielder – Lance Clark (Long Island Islanders) .324/.359/.598, 47 HR, 3.7 WAR Underrated, but consistent. Like a solid bowl of minestrone — not flashy, but gets the job done. 🥇 Center Fielder – Will Cuylle (New York Rangers) .549/.654/1.396, 123 HR, 358 RBI, 27.0 WAR This guy’s a video game glitch! A living cheat code! He's like Newman in a buffet line — unstoppable! 🥇 Right Fielder – Sean Couturier (Philadelphia Flyers) .527/.633/1.433, 113 HR, 23.6 WAR That’s not hitting — that’s supernatural interference! This guy must’ve made a deal with Costanza’s accountant! 🥇 Designated Hitter – Vinny Hixson (Long Island Islanders) .369/.392/.761, 73 HR, 195 RBI, 8.9 WAR DH? More like Destroyer of Hopes! Vinny doesn’t swing a bat, he swings a sledgehammer! Folks, this isn’t just a lineup — this is the greatest episode of “The Platinum Stick Show” you’ve never seen! So give it up for these absolute legends of the plate. I'm tellin' ya — this is the best thing since Ovaltine! And remember: Platinum Stick winners... they're real, and they're spectacular!