[jg2977]

Tommy Callahan (from Tommy Boy):

Alright! Lemme tell ya something, buddy — this game? WHOA! It was like watching a freight train full of fireworks and cheeseburgers slam into a dunk tank full of bald eagles! KA-BOOM! The Reds take Game 1, 6 to 3, and they did it with style, baby!

So right outta the gate, Washington’s like, “Hey, we came to play,” and BAM — Vinnie Pham launches a three-run tater into orbit off Johnny Landaverde. I mean, whoa Nelly, this guy hit it so far I thought it was gonna land in Toledo! But Landaverde just dusts himself off, probably eats a Slim Jim, and says, “Let’s go, boys!”

AND THEN — Cincinnati goes full-on Red Alert! Freddy Martinez hits a double! BOOM! Another one! DOUBLE-BOOM! That guy was swattin’ baseballs like they owed him money! And Nicholson? That dude goes deep! Like, really deep. I’m talkin’ “you’re gonna need a bigger boat” kinda deep. BOOM!

Meanwhile Chris Thomas — the Nats pitcher? Yikes. That poor guy got lit up like my Uncle Ted’s RV at a Fourth of July tailgate. Four and a third innings, nine hits, six earned runs, one souvenir home run. Call it what it is, folks — a dumpster fire in cleats.

Also — A.J. Liotta? A double AND a triple? What is this, Mario Kart? That dude had the star power activated. Zoom zoom, baby!

And look, I know Washington had some action: nine hits, a couple of clutch knocks from Villalobos and Pirelli, and they even got a little rally brewin’ in the ninth, but TONY PLASCENCIA came in and slammed the door like your dad catching you sneaking in past curfew.

So what's the bottom line?!

The Reds win! Landaverde gets the W, Martinez is hotter than a microwave burrito, and Cincinnati’s ONE GAME AWAY from moving on! Washington? Well, they gotta wake up tomorrow, look in the mirror and say, “I’m not gonna cry about it... I’m gonna win Game 2, dang it!”

Alright, I’m outta here. I gotta polish my batting helmet and carbo-load for tomorrow’s pregame. And remember: you miss 100% of the pitches you don’t swing at.