[jg2977]

[Tony Kornheiser voice – sarcastic, sharp, a little exasperated, a little amused]

Okay, so let me get this straight. It’s Game 1 of the Division Series. You’ve got the Minnesota Twins—who won 100 games, might I add—rolling into Seattle to face the Mariners, who themselves won 106. You’re thinking fireworks, right? Something dramatic. Something memorable. Maybe a slugfest. Maybe a walk-off. You’re thinking postseason baseball, baby!

And what do you get?

Crickets.

You get a 3–0 Mariners win that felt more like a two-hour nap than a playoff opener. I mean, it’s not that it wasn’t good baseball, it’s just that it was... it was broccoli. It was fiber. It was good for you, but nobody’s waking up tomorrow screaming about fiber.

Let’s talk about Julio Morales for a second. Eight innings. No runs. Seven hits. A smooth 89 pitches. Guy probably could’ve gone nine but, God forbid we let a starting pitcher finish a game in 1917. What is this, 1910?

He was great. He was terrific. He was boring. That’s the point. He sliced through the Twins lineup like a hot knife through butter. You’d think the Twins might fight a little—scratch out a run, cause some havoc—but no. Just… eight singles and a sigh.

And can we talk about Minnesota’s baserunning? They had two triples! Two triples! That’s like finding a working pay phone—and they did nothing with them. Nothing! They couldn’t move a guy 90 feet if the base path was downhill. You’d think someone was out there with a stop sign and a whistle yelling, “DON’T SCORE!”

Meanwhile, Seattle just methodically pecked away. One run here, one run there, a Josh Freeman single, a McCall homer, a Welch homer—bam, bam, we're done here. It’s like they ran a tutorial on “How to Win Without Breaking a Sweat.”

And the fielding? Double plays everywhere. I counted six between the two teams. At one point I thought I was watching an infield defense drill at Spring Training. It’s like they were competing to see who could hit into the most well-turned 4–6–3s.

Bottom line: Seattle wins Game 1. Minnesota looks like they overslept. Morales shoves. Freeman and the gang scratch out enough. Nobody makes a peep. Game over.

If you’re the Twins, you better show up tomorrow with some runs and a pulse. Otherwise, Seattle’s gonna lull you into winter while sipping chamomile tea.

I’m Tony Kornheiser. That’s the show.