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3rd Cy Young, 2nd straight
Jim Lahey-style Cy Young Newsflash (with a splash of liquor-fueled wisdom):
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, cats and kittens... let me tell ya somethin’ about Sal Cantu — the man just backed a dump truck full of excellence into the Baseball Awards Office and dumped out a Cy Young trophy so shiny it gave the sun a goddamn inferiority complex.
There’s less room in his trophy case than there is beer in Randy’s fridge, because this beautiful Baltimore hurler just walked away with the 1917 American League Cy Young — unanimous, baby. That means 30 first place votes. Not one stray ballot. That’s rarer than a sober Julian.
Let’s run the numbers like a man on a bender with a calculator:
22 wins, only 6 losses.
2.34 ERA — that’s lower than Ricky’s credit score.
156 K’s across 269.1 innings — the man pitched more innings than I’ve had whiskey shots in November, and that’s saying something.
Only 67 walks — because Sal Cantu doesn’t hand out free passes. Life ain't a charity, and neither is the strike zone, boys.
And where was everyone else?
Mike Deming of the Yankees? Second place. He brought a butter knife to a gun fight.
Kevin Johnson, Cantu’s Orioles teammate? Great pitcher. World Series winner. Third place. Still stuck behind Mount Cantu.
The rest? Just names in the rearview mirror of a man driving a high-octane victory train.
Here's the scoreboard for all you stat-loving liquor jockeys:
Player Team 1st Place Total Points
Sal Cantu Baltimore Orioles 30 210
Mike Deming NY Yankees 0 120
Kevin Johnson Baltimore Orioles 0 76
Cole Galindo Seattle Mariners 0 73
Jesse Vadala KC Royals 0 21
Sean Lorenz NY Yankees 0 4
Julio Morales Seattle Mariners 0 3
Will Goldsmith Houston Astros 0 2
Albert Garay Baltimore Orioles 0 1
So raise a glass, raise a bat, raise Randy if he’s passed out again on the front lawn — because Sal Cantu is the Cy Young, and the rest of the league? Just living in his beautifully pitched shadow.
This isn’t just baseball, boys...
It’s liquor-fueled destiny.
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