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[Scene opens: three Bears guys in their classic sweaters, seated around a table with bratwursts, Polish sausages, and beers.]
Bill: Dis week… de Minnesota Wilds… playin’ de Calgary Flames in de Western Conference Finals. Game One… went to… da Flames.
Pat: Da Flames!
Carl: Yeah, 4–3, in eleven innings. I tell ya, dat Lloyd Braun, dis guy’s 38 years old, built like a Polish sausage, and he still cranks one out in da 11th like it’s nuttin’.
Bill: [nodding] He goes three for four, homer, double, two walks. He’s got more bases tonight than I got bratwursts sittin’ in front of me.
Pat: [leans in] Dat’s a lotta bases.
Carl: But hey, don’t forget M. Grubin — dis guy hits a homer in de sixth, two doubles late, and he’s stealin’ bases like Ditka stealin’ hearts.
Pat: [dreamily] Ditka…
Bill: [serious] If Ditka was in dis game, he woulda ended it in de third inning. Flames win 99–0.
Carl: [correcting] No, no, no. Ditka against da Wild by himself? Ditka 12, Wild 3.
Pat: Gentlemen… imagine dis… Ditka pitching to Ditka.
Bill & Carl: [pause, then reverently] Ditka wins.
Bill: Anyway, back to da game — Minnesota actually looked pretty good, eh? Mendosa had three hits, Kim had three hits, Oldenburger had a double, they just couldn’t push one more across.
Carl: Yeah, and dat bullpen… Gabriel Rodriguez, poor guy gives up dat dinger to Braun. One pitch, boom, game over.
Pat: So it’s Flames up 1–0 in de series. But let’s be honest… if da Wilds don’t figure out how to pitch to Braun and Grubin… dis thing’s over in four.
Bill: Flames in four!
Pat: Flames in four!
Carl: Flames in four! Unless… unless… Ditka laces up skates, puts on da Wild sweater, den I say Wild in three.
Bill & Pat: [together, crossing themselves] Amen.
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