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Bill: Dis week… da Eastern Conference Finals… Flyers at da Islanders. Game One… wasn’t even close.
Pat: Islanders!
Carl: Yeah, Long Island 9, Philly 2. A wallopin’. Dis was uglier than Coach Ditka after eatin’ twelve polish sausages.
Bill: [nodding] Lance Clark. Two homers, a double, three runs, two RBI. Dis guy’s hittin’ balls harder than Ditka hittin’ da buffet at Ditka’s Steakhouse.
Pat: And Bernabel, he leads off with a homer right outta da gate. You know what dat means? Flyers were doomed from da first brat.
Carl: [correcting] First pitch, Pat. Not brat.
Pat: [shrugs] Same ting.
Bill: Flyers didn’t do nuttin’ all game. Zero runs through eight. Barry hits a garbage-time homer in da ninth, make it 9–2.
Carl: [leans in] Now lemme ask ya dis: If Ditka were pitchin’ for da Flyers… would da Islanders even score?
Pat: Trick question. Ditka woulda thrown a perfect game. And hit four homers at da same time.
Bill: Final score: Ditka 27, Islanders 0.
Carl: Gentlemen… imagine dis… Ditka playin’ for both teams at once.
Bill & Pat: [pause, then reverently] Ditka wins.
Bill: So Islanders take Game One, 1–0 series lead. Flyers gotta figure out Clark, Bernabel, Bauer… otherwise, dey’re toast.
Pat: Extra crispy. With a side of sausage.
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