Well, none of these players are going to excite you whatsoever, but here's the opening day roster!
Starting Pitchers:
2 of our 3 genuinely good players are starting pitchers, but unfortunately, they're somehow both hurt on opening day. Sal Morales (one of the chumps stupid enough to resign) will be back within a week, but Danny Medina will be lucky to be back by the all-star break. And if that isn't bad enough, another warm body, Jose Cuellar, is hurt too!
George Armour is the de facto ace for now, and he actually has some decent stuff, but he's only passable everywhere else. Lupe Enriquez rounds out our healthy starting rotation, we have some borderline starters in Felix Lechuga and Bobby Matthews who can eat innings, and to fully express how dire things are, Brian Hash, a terrible pitcher who surrenders the long ball like crazy and is lucky to make it out the 5th inning is in the lineup. He's seemingly only a starter because he can throw 4 decent pitches.
Relieving Pitchers:
The Reliever core is mostly made up of scrubs too weird to start. Ernesto Gallego would be an ace, if he had any movement or more than 2 pitches. Randy Falloon would make a great workhorse, but he has no control. Dave Gauger, Bob Grosvenor, and Guy Williams are all in the same camp as the ones above, and then we have our closer, Bill Wilkins, chosen mostly because he has no real flaws. Or strengths.
Can you believe the pitching is the better of our two fronts?
Catcher & Infield:
Surprisingly, a coherent infield can be cobbled together, headlined by first baseman Dave Schultz, who can hit for some power, and Dave Arroyo, another guy we resigned, who is our only healthy player worth paying to see at this point. He's pretty alright at just about everything.
Rounding out the starting lineup is catcher Bob Butler, who strikes out rarely (which probably just means more double plays), the thoroughly mediocre Henry Castillo, and Victor Gonzales, who is by far the worst hitting player on the team, but is a bit of a defensive wunderkind, and has the added benefit of being 23. He's our shortstop going forward. The backups here are Alex Velez at catcher, who hopefully plays as little as possible, and a series of increasingly middling infielders in in Salvatore Florez, Mort Lucke, Al Petrosky, and John Knippers.
Outfield:
Awful. Just awful. John St. Amant is keeping the lights on in center, but nobody else worth anything can be found. In left, a clown car of Jerry Bartlett, Dave Bastarache, and Frank Wallace are all competing in a race to the bottom, so close that I am genuinely unsure who the starter is supposed to be (it's Bartlett, for now), and in right, the 36 year old Bob Menzel, who has never played this position before. He can't even hit very well, but I guess his raw fielding numbers are above-average, so if he manages to learn to play he'll be passable.
Prospect Pipeline:
Well, we have no ranked players in the top 100, which isn't that much of a shock given the 60 teams, but we also have none in the top 250, with the top prospect being the aformentioned Enriquez. The highest prospect who isn't on the starting roster is 20 year old outfielder Ken O'Leary at #312 (!), who's a few years away from starting, at least assuming this team doesn't give up and start him anyways. He'll get walked a ton if he makes it to the majors. Also in the pipeline is infielder Ed Allen, who honestly shows a little more promise as a contact hitter, but has no power to speak of.
Outlook:
Oh god, we are terrible. We are terrible, and we barely have any highlights to look forward too. At the very least, the first overall pick in the draft is likely to have a superstar to look forward to. But that'll be over a year away, and until then we just have to grin and bear it.