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Alright… picture dis… you’re sittin’ there, behind da Blackhawks’ dugout, got yourself a couple’a polish sausages, maybe a cold brew, heart full’a hope for da hometown Hawks, right? And den—BOOM—Wayne freakin’ Gretzky shows up, like a one-man wreckin’ crew, and suddenly it’s 8–3, Edmonton.
“Da Hawks… dey got blitzed, Bob.”
“Blitzed, Don. I seen it wit’ my own eyes. Gretzky… two homers… two! You can’t let da Great One do dat. Not in our house. Not at the United Center. You just can’t.”
“Wayne Gretzky was out dere like it was da mid-’80s. Guy’s got 3 hits, 4 RBIs, 2 bombs, stole two bags… he basically ran da joint.”
“Meanwhile, da Hawks are out dere like a bunch of guys who just found out da buffet’s been closed. You get one from Gonzalez, one from Klompus… little solo jobs… cute. But dat ain’t beatin’ Gretzky.”
Top of da fifth—dat’s when it all fell apart. Edmonton down 2-1, runners on second and third. Gretzky steps up. “Whaddya think he’s gonna do, Bob?”
“Bob, he’s Gretzky. He’s gonna launch it to Schaumburg. BOOM. Three-run dinger. You could see da sausage vendors cryin’.”
And once da Oilers took dat lead? Fuhgeddaboudit. Da Hawks were toast. Toast wit’ no butter.
And don’t get me started on da pitching. D. Amaya out dere throwin’ like he’s tossin’ kielbasa at da brat stand. Five innings, four runs, a homer to Gretzky. “He was hittable, Don.”
“Hittable? My Aunt Carol’s knuckleball got more movement.”
Meanwhile, T. Yamamoto for Edmonton, he’s out dere givin’ da Hawks fits. Six innings, only two runs. Crowd’s tryin’ to rally—“Let’s go Hawks!”—but Gretzky’s got no mercy.
Seventh inning? Another Gretzky blast. Guy’s laughin’ runnin’ da bases like he owns da place. By da time Nakamoto comes in, it’s just damage control… which, for da record, didn’t work.
“Da Oilers, Don, dey up 3–0 in da series now. Three–nothing. You know what dat means.”
“Yeah. Da Hawks need a miracle. Not just a ‘win one at home’ miracle. I’m talkin’ Ditka partin’ da Red Sea, Walter Payton comin’ back, Mike Singletary coverin’ center field miracle.”
“Da only thing stoppin’ Gretzky right now is a Polish sausage to da face.”
FINAL:
Oilers 8, Hawks 3
Gretzky — 3 hits, 2 bombs, 4 RBI, 2 steals.
Da Hawks? A couple’a solo shots, a lotta sadness, and maybe some indigestion.
Next game’s tomorrow at da United Center. Bring your rosaries. Bring Ditka. Bring da sausage. You’re gonna need divine intervention.
“Can da Hawks come back, Don?”
“Da Hawks? Against Gretzky? Buddy, da only team dat could beat Gretzky is Gretzky. And maybe Ditka.”
“Da Hawks vs. Gretzky… who wins?”
“Gretzky. By six.”
DA FINAL WORD: Gretzky’s da GOAT. Da Hawks? Dey’re da roast. 🐐🥩
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