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Pittsburgh Pirates: 4th NLCS berth
1902 1916 1921 1925
Da Superfans enter the room, carrying sausages, beers, and large Cubs-and-Bears-themed belly sizes.
BOB: Sooooo, gentlemen… today we gather to discuss a great baseball contest. A spirited athletic display. A TRUE demonstration of the highest level of competitiveness known to mankind…
ALL: Da Cubs! (they cross themselves)
PAT: Unfortunately, uh… da Cubs did not fare too well today. In fact—dare I say—they got SPANKED. Seven to one. By da Pirates. At PNC Park. A catastrophe of biblical proportions. Like when da Bears forgot Mike Ditka’s birthday.
TODD: A travesty! An embarrassment! A blemish on Great Chicago sports history! And yet… not unexpected.
CARL: Yes. Da Cubs celebrated da Division Series by hittin’ da ol’ snooze button. One run. Five hits. Zero errors… which is about the nicest thing I can say about ‘em.
BOB: Meanwhile, da Pirates—PEW! PEW! PEW!—shootin’ fireworks outta da scoreboard. Seven runs. Ten hits. Two homers. They’re runnin’ wild out dere like Walter Payton on fresh turf.
PAT: And don’t forget—MATT CROKE! Da MVP! Hit .400 for da series! .400! That’s FOUR HUNDRED! Dat’s like givin’ a man four supersized Polish sausages and tellin’ him to finish ‘em without breakin’ a sweat. EASY WORK.
TODD: Two home runs, five RBI, five runs scored. The man is a one-man wreckin’ ball. Like da fridge Perry bowling over a buffet line.
CARL: Pirates movin’ on to da NLCS for da fourth time. FOUR. Da Cubs? Goin’ home. Again. Like they always do.
ALL: (mournfully) Da Cubs…
BOB: Now, let us not forget the REAL star of da game: Tommy Loder.
PAT: AH YES! LODER! DA IRON MAN! DA LEGEND! PITCHES ALL NINE INNINGS! A COMPLETE GAME! Only five hits! One run! Not a single walk! He’s like da pitching version of Mike Ditka riding into battle on a giant bratwurst!
TODD: A true warrior. A hero. A man who would survive a direct collision with a runaway deep-dish pizza.
CARL: And hey, da Pirates stole FOUR bases! FOUR! Dis is not baseball… dis is broad daylight larceny.
BOB: And da Cubs? Only thing dey stole today were da hearts of disappointed fans.
PAT: But hey, look on the bright side—Cubs made the playoffs. They gave us hope. And then ripped it away like a plate of wings during halftime.
ALL: (nodding) True. True.
TODD: So who da Pirates face next?
CARL: Either da Diamondbacks or da Mets.
BOB: Ah da Mets. Natural rivals to da Bears. I don’t know why, but it feels right.
PAT: And da Diamondbacks? Eh. Not worried.
ALL: (chanting) Da Bears… Da Bears… Da Bears…
BOB: So in conclusion, da Pirates march forward… da Cubs go home… and Chicago sports fans return to their natural state of heartburn, indigestion, and faint optimism.
ALL: Da Cubs!
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