[jg2977]

MIKE AND THE MAD DOG MODE: ON — fast, loud, overlapping, arguing, and somehow still deeply informed.
MIKE:
Alright, lemme tell ya somethin’, DOG — this is more of the same. You’ve seen this movie. I’ve seen this movie. The Yankees have seen this movie. It’s the same movie every October: Indians absolutely own the Yankees in this matchup. OWN ‘em!
Nine-and-one in the ALCS over the past three seasons! NINE AND ONE! You can’t make it up!
DOG:
MIKEY, MIKEY, IT’S EMBARRASSING! EMBARRASSING! EIGHTEEN TO FOUR! AT HOME! IN THE BRONX! You can’t lose like that! YOU CAN’T LOSE LIKE THAT IN YOUR OWN BALLPARK! They cleared out the Stadium! I’m tellin’ ya — by the seventh inning, you coulda landed a plane in left field. Nobody there! NOOOOBODY!
MIKE:
Seventy-five percent of the crowd gone. SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT! Come on. These fans have seen bad baseball before — this is the NEW YORK YANKEES we’re talkin’ about. But even THEY said, “I’m outta here. I’m beatin’ the traffic.”
DOG:
I STILL don’t know how the Yankees swept these guys in ’21. I STILL don’t get it! Every other time? The Indians treat ‘em like a doormat! They wipe the floor with ‘em, Mikey! WIPE! THE! FLOOR!
MIKE:
Oh my gosh, it was a beatdown from pitch one. First inning — PHIPPS — BOOM! Two-run shot! Crowd’s still findin’ their seats, eatin’ their pretzels, and it’s THREE–NOTHIN’ already. You can’t start the ALCS like that!
DOG:
And then — then! — they don’t stop! Eighteen runs, twenty-two hits! They got guys hittin’ doubles, triples, home runs, the whole lineup hittin’ rockets!
Niccolai on the mound for Cleveland’s cruisin’, no pressure, feet up, sippin’ lemonade, throwin’ strikes. Meanwhile the Yankees got SIX pitchers and every one of ‘em looks like they’re throwin’ batting practice!
MIKE:
You look at that Yankee pitching line — it’s a disaster, DOG. It’s an absolute mess. Jenkins — SIX RUNS in not even two innings. ERA? Twenty-five! TWENTY-FIVE! I mean, at some point you gotta pull the plug, show mercy.
DOG:
And Phipps — he’s laughin’! Goin’ three-for-five, four runs scored! FOUR! He gets hit by a pitch and still scores! Even when they HIT him he scores!
MIKE:
Let me tell ya somethin': this rivalry is completely one-sided. The Yankees? They think they're the big, bad empire. The Indians? They’re the ones runnin’ the building! They OWN the Yankees in October. No contest. No debate.
DOG:
They SHOULD refund the fans! “Here’s your money back, sorry about the four hours we just wasted!”
MIKE:
Tomorrow they play again. Same stadium. Same matchup. The question is — can the Yankees even COMPETE? Forget winning — compete! Show signs of life! Because right now, this looks like a varsity team and a JV team.
DOG:
MIKEY — MIKEY — if they fall behind EARLY tomorrow? GOODNIGHT! I don’t care if it’s one run! You fall behind one-nothin’, two-nothin’ to this Indians team? They’re dead! D-E-A-D!
MIKE:
Indians take Game 1. Domination. And if you’re the Yankees, you better hope this isn’t the start of another four-game humiliation. Because right now? It looks like it is.

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HARRY DOYLE MODE — dry, sarcastic, with that “I can’t believe I’m calling this” energy.
“Well folks, if you stuck around for all nine innings — and judging by the crowd, not many of you did — the Cleveland Indians absolutely flattened the New York Yankees today, 18–4.
A real nail-biter… if you passed out in the third inning.”
“Once again the Tribe continues their, uh… habit of turning the Yankees into decorative floor mats. Over the last three years, the Indians are now NINE and ONE against New York in the ALCS. Nine and one! That’s domination, folks. That’s ‘hope you have insurance’ domination.”
“And if you’re a Yankees fan? Well, the less said about this one, the better. Eighteen to four. At home. In your own shiny ballpark. The fans started heading for the exits by the seventh inning. Three-quarters of them gone, off to beat traffic or maybe take a long walk off a short pier.”
“Star of the game? Easy. Ryan Phipps — from Provo, Utah — who went 3-for-5 with a homer, drove in four, scored four, probably sold hot dogs between innings, and still had time to sign a few autographs on the way back to the dugout.”
“He got the scoring started early with a two-run shot in the first, and let’s be honest — that’s all Cleveland really needed. The rest was just… well, decorative padding. Like throwing extra pillows on the couch when the couch already looks fine.”
“Tomorrow these two teams go at it again, though after today’s performance, the Yankees may want to consider pretending they’re someone else.”
“This is Harry Doyle, saying: Indians win big, Yankees lose big, and if you missed the game — congratulations, you made the right choice.”